I messed up big time!

  • robinson242

    Posts: 5

    Mar 06, 2016 4:25 PM GMT
    Hi guys, I am new to this forum and I want to shout out a big hello to all of you. I am sorry in advance for the first lengthy message but I need your advice.

    I am going through a relationship crisis, well a break-up is more accurate. I had been with my boyfriend for two years. He is an exchange student from another country and we met while taking the same classes. I am 25 and he is 35. This is my first relationship and it had been wonderful as we loved each other very much. We often talked about our future, how we would get married and have adopt many kids.

    Fast forward, around last August, I had a one night stand with another person!! This was a horrible thing for me to do to someone I loved. Our relationship was a little rocky at this point and I just wanted the attentions. I cheated on my then boyfriend a couple more time after this with different people. I thought as long as I love him, these random physical encounters didn't mean anything (what a f***ed up thought I know). The last encoutner happened three months ago.

    Ok, here is how the whole thing went down. He found the massages these guys and I exchanged on my phone and he flipped out. He was extremely angry and heart broken. I confessed right at that moment. We were on our vacation at a different city when this happened so I left to go back home by myself.

    I have been so depressed after the incident. I have cried myself to sleep every night. I never meant to hurt him like that. I felt so stupid, guilty and ashamed for cheating on him. This will be a lesson for me and I will never ever do anything like this to anybody again.

    About a week later, he called me saying that he had my stuff for me to pick-up. I came pick up my stuff and asked him if we could talk. I broke down and cried and apologized for what I had put him through. I didn't mention anything about me wanting us to get back together even though that was the only thing I wanted to do at the moment because he was still very angry and hurt. At the end, he wanted to give me a hug but I refused. He eventually left (we were having this conversation outside of his apartment) and I started to walk back to my apartment. When I was half way to my apartment, he caught up to me (I guess he was chasing me after I left). He said that what I did was a mistake and he forgave me. He also said that I have a great future in front of me and he insisted to hug me. It seems to me like he wanted me to move on. We departed after that.

    I am quite confused about the whole thing. I deeply regretted what I did and I still love him very much. I am willing to do whatever it takes to have him back in my life. The problem is that he is going back to his country in a few months and I don't know if he wants to give me a chance considering all of the mixed signals he gave me.

    What should I do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2016 5:51 PM GMT
    Well, this relationship is toast. You wrecked it. Find a man who will be okay with you being open if you can't control yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2016 7:00 PM GMT
    What I don't understand is why you didn't hug him when he offered. You leave and then he runs after you. Seems like he gave you ample opportunity to possibly patch things up, or at least part as friends.

    There used to be an expression about throwing happiness away with both hands. It may have been intended for you. Well, that door may be closed now. I guess you start over with somebody else. And learn from your mistakes, while you're still young.
  • robinson242

    Posts: 5

    Mar 06, 2016 7:17 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidWhat I don't understand is why you didn't hug him when he offered. You leave and then he runs after you. Seems like he gave you an opportunity to patch things up.

    There used to be an expression about throwing happiness away with both hands. It may have been intended for you. Well, that door may be shut now. I guess you start over with somebody else.


    I didn't hug him the first time because of the the high emotions I was having. I felt like it was a GOODBYE hug and I was not ready for it. I did, however, hug him after he ran after me.

    Of course I want to patch things up with him. It is the only thing I want to do now. But I just knew that it was not the right moment since he was still hurt and angry and I was crying too much to logically put everything together. Should I give us sometime to cool down before telling him how I feel?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2016 7:20 PM GMT
    robinson242 said
    Art_Deco saidWhat I don't understand is why you didn't hug him when he offered. You leave and then he runs after you. Seems like he gave you ample opportunity to possibly patch things up, or at least part as friends.

    There used to be an expression about throwing happiness away with both hands. It may have been intended for you. Well, that door may be closed now. I guess you start over with somebody else. And learn from your mistakes, while you're still young.

    I didn't hug him the first time because of the the high emotions I was having. I felt like it was a GOODBYE hug and I was not ready for it. I did, however, hug him after he ran after me.

    Of course I want to patch things up with him. It is the only thing I want to do now. But I just knew that it was not the right moment since he was still hurt and angry and I was crying too much to logically put everything together. Should I give us sometime to cool down before telling him how I feel?

    Are you still in contact?
  • robinson242

    Posts: 5

    Mar 06, 2016 7:23 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    robinson242 said
    Art_Deco saidWhat I don't understand is why you didn't hug him when he offered. You leave and then he runs after you. Seems like he gave you ample opportunity to possibly patch things up, or at least part as friends.

    There used to be an expression about throwing happiness away with both hands. It may have been intended for you. Well, that door may be closed now. I guess you start over with somebody else. And learn from your mistakes, while you're still young.

    I didn't hug him the first time because of the the high emotions I was having. I felt like it was a GOODBYE hug and I was not ready for it. I did, however, hug him after he ran after me.

    Of course I want to patch things up with him. It is the only thing I want to do now. But I just knew that it was not the right moment since he was still hurt and angry and I was crying too much to logically put everything together. Should I give us sometime to cool down before telling him how I feel?

    Are you still in contact?


    We are not. The conversation happened a couple of days ago and we haven't talked since. I still have his stuff at my place and I am thinking of returning them sometime this week.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2016 7:49 PM GMT
    Why do people create new identities so they can come on a forum like this and write a badly written short novel about some personal drama?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2016 7:53 PM GMT
    Move on. I think it's not good for either of you to be in relationship anymore. You will never get his trust back, and if he gets mad at you for something, he will use this incident to remind you of what a cheater you're.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2016 8:56 PM GMT
    You're just going through the part of a break up where you look back and idealize everything, leaving out the bad part that made you want to cheat on him multiple times.

    Let him go back to his own country and move on with your own life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 06, 2016 10:16 PM GMT
    The same thing can happen even without the cheating. One person finds fault in the other and that becomes more important then the relationship.

    I'm single now because my BF developed fears about multiple things regarding the relationship.

    The choice is to focus on love or the imperfection of your partner and the fear of what could happen in the future. Read Eckhardt Tolle's The Power of Now.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Mar 06, 2016 10:39 PM GMT
    Why not talk to him and see where you stand?
    The best thing to do is keep the dialogue open until you know whether it can work or if it is the end.

    At this point there is nothing to lose from speaking to him and you need to do it quickly before he leaves.

    You may have to give up pride or fear of what he will say and be persistent.
  • robinson242

    Posts: 5

    Mar 06, 2016 11:23 PM GMT
    swimmersf saidYou're just going through the part of a break up where you look back and idealize everything, leaving out the bad part that made you want to cheat on him multiple times.

    Let him go back to his own country and move on with your own life.


    Omg I never thought of this. There were some rough moments in our relationship but the good ones def outweighed the bad ones.
  • robinson242

    Posts: 5

    Mar 06, 2016 11:25 PM GMT
    Fireworkz saidWhy not talk to him and see where you stand?
    The best thing to do is keep the dialogue open until you know whether it can work or if it is the end.

    At this point there is nothing to lose from speaking to him and you need to do it quickly before he leaves.

    You may have to give up pride or fear of what he will say and be persistent.


    Thanks for your advise Fireworkz. I do want to talk with him but I wonder how soon is too soon, you know, the "time to heal" stuff!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 07, 2016 1:58 AM GMT
    One random hookup is something he should be able to forgive. A whole series of them, no.
    Multiple infidelities are a pretty clear sign something was wrong about the relationship - there was something you weren't getting from him and had to seek elsewhere.
    If you somehow had been able to patch things up, issues of trust would always linger.
    He was right to let you go. Learn from the experience and your next relationship will be better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 08, 2016 1:47 AM GMT
    If he doesn't want to stay together, you can't make him. You fucked it up, and now you have to deal with the consequences.

    You'll get over him eventually and fall for someone else, but when you do, you need to ask yourself: can I stay monogamous with this new guy? If the answer is no, you need to make certain he's okay with that. If he's not, find someone who is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 08, 2016 6:03 PM GMT
    When you cheat on someone who loves you , the trust is gone .
    That person might forgive you but his trust in you has been altered by your multiple infedelties .
    Walk away , you don't deserve him , and he deserves better than a cheater .I do think you are a good person as you have remorse , and i hope you learned your lesson .
  • Relajado

    Posts: 409

    Mar 09, 2016 10:46 AM GMT
    javelin7 saidWell, this relationship is toast. You wrecked it. Find a man who will be okay with you being open if you can't control yourself.


    This.

    Unbelievable behaviour.

    Control yourself.
  • Relajado

    Posts: 409

    Mar 09, 2016 10:49 AM GMT
    neffa saidWhen you cheat on someone who loves you , the trust is gone .
    That person might forgive you but his trust in you has been altered by your multiple infedelties .
    Walk away , you don't deserve him , and he deserves better than a cheater .I do think you are a good person as you have remorse , and i hope you learned your lesson .


    Yup!
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Mar 09, 2016 6:31 PM GMT
    Everyone can offer their opinions but the only way you will know is if you speak to him and fight for what you want.

    Yes it is hard to earn back trust and you might both need some counselling to get over it. But are you both willing to do what it takes to make it work?

    But before that look to see if this is really a relationship that serves the both of you because if you feel like cheating there are some needs that are not being met for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2016 2:42 AM GMT
    In my honest opinion, there is no saving this relationship. Of course, as everyone has mentioned, it wasn't just one time, but multiple cheating incidents.

    Please let this be a lesson that communication is KEY in any relationship. Instead of communicating your needs (or lack in the relationship,) you went outside. There is no trust anymore. There needs to be communication if you are missing something in the relationship. The grass is NEVER greener on the other side.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Mar 10, 2016 3:45 AM GMT
    Multiple infidelities are a pretty clear sign something was wrong about the relationship


    Some people are whores. They crave the attention of random people moreso than the stability of a relationship.

    I wouldn't go too doom and gloom on the relationships of those types of people, some of them will never ever be satisfied with just one person. The problem with expecting them to be, is it pushes them into the shadows and they end up lying to everyone and wondering what's wrong with them, questioning what's wrong with their partners that they don't satisfy etc. etc.


    I am not saying the OP is or isn't one of those people, i am just saying that some people are serious attention whores who are just wired differently.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Mar 17, 2016 10:51 PM GMT
    Fireworkz saidEveryone can offer their opinions but the only way you will know is if you speak to him and fight for what you want.

    Yes it is hard to earn back trust and you might both need some counselling to get over it. But are you both willing to do what it takes to make it work?

    But before that look to see if this is really a relationship that serves the both of you because if you feel like cheating there are some needs that are not being met for you.


    Yes, I'm surprised by those who think that one mistake destroys a relationship. If that is the case, then a person can find ANY reason to break up with someone. Maybe they don't agree with your religious views, or political views. It seems like there is a paucity of compassion operating.

    If you believe he is The One for you, let some time pass for self-reflection, consider your insecurities and then ask him if he's willing to talk to you about what you did. People seem to forget that other cultures have different perspectives (usually better ones at that) than in the US, where the idea seems to be: you fucked up - get lost. If that's Love these days, Love is getting a bad name. I thought Love included forgiveness and compassion. If that is part of the culture of his country, then perhaps all is not lost.
    Like Fireworks said, talk to him and see if it makes sense to do counseling together. This whole 'scorched-earth' perspective in some comments on what is called "Love" has more to do with ego:"you hurt me, now you're going to pay for it." Jeez.