When dating a guy for 3-4 months, what message am I sending if I decide to stay the night -OR- if I don't stay the night when asked?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2016 1:34 AM GMT
    Update: Thanks for the responses. Many of them were quite helpful. It's good to be able to use this forum bounce questions off of others who have been there before and can offer perspective from the outside. That's what brings many of us here.

    As for my post... the guy and I had another deep talk about things. It was great. He is great. And even though he says he doesn't snore in his sleep, he actually does....icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 10, 2016 1:39 AM GMT
    have you guys had "that talk" ?

    if you arent official, then it sounds more like friends with benefits

    JMO.
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    Mar 10, 2016 3:35 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    So, are you saying it took you three to four months to get to the point of spending the whole night together? I am not clear.

    Nor am I. If a guy asked me to join him in bed (were I single again and I liked him) I'd already have my clothes off. And after knowing him nearly 4 months??? Whudda yah need? An engraved invitation, roses and champagne? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Mar 10, 2016 3:48 AM GMT
    I would be a bit annoyed if i asked you to spend the night and you didn't. It would send a clear message that i wasn't the most appetizing relationship prospect.

    Now of course, if we had discussions that would lead me to not making too rash an interpretation one way or another that could negate my initial feelings of rejection but i would still feel a bit wary, assuming i asked you to sleep over cause i wanted you to and didn't do it out of a sense of obligation.


    Of course i am not a normal person and read into everything anyone does or says!!!


    But at age 40, i would expect that 3-4 months of dating would of been enough time for you to have some sense of what you wanted from me. I would probably feel like it was a big old red flag if you weren't willing to cuddle. If you did stay the night, i am not sure it sends too much of a message if i had to ask.

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    Mar 10, 2016 4:17 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidSo, are you saying it took you three to four months to get to the point of spending the whole night together? I am not clear.


    Yup. And it still has not happened. We've been taking the "slow route" since we've both been in shitty relationships. Started off as friends and it's been growing steadily at a very comfortable pace. Neither of us have been asked fyi.
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    Mar 10, 2016 12:07 PM GMT

    Agree with MMTM...you've both been hurt, so be honest and open. Don't worry about 'messages'...tell him what you are thinking and feeling.

    If you are feeling afraid (possibly of being hurt again), tell him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2016 12:51 PM GMT
    Three or four months and you've never spent the night?
    At this point if he asks and you say no, the message you are sending is that any true intimacy isn't ever happening.

  • milehiguy2

    Posts: 10

    Mar 10, 2016 1:35 PM GMT
    Listen to MMTM. He gives good advice.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 10, 2016 5:42 PM GMT
    See? This is why I like sex in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. All this awkwardness is bypassed. If at the end of sex, we're both laughing and happy, there's the start of a friendship that may become more. Though I do (did) spend time online getting to know the guy a bit before meeting. So I always knew in advance that he was someone I could trust and like.
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    Mar 10, 2016 6:18 PM GMT
    Not staying the night after three to four months would be sending a message that you're asexual or you're not sexually interested in him or you're both bottoms. If you do stay the night and it sucks, you totally just wasted a lot of time.
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    Mar 10, 2016 9:41 PM GMT
    Does anyone just talk anymore?
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    Mar 10, 2016 9:49 PM GMT
    robbaker saidIf you stay the night he's going to want you to give it up . Don't be fooled to stay the night i would give it another 5 or 6 months years and if you do stay the night make sure you're well prepared icon_eek.gif

    Fixed.   icon_twisted.gif
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    Mar 10, 2016 11:06 PM GMT
    woodfordr:
    ....you're SUCH a handsome dude (damn sexy too) - I would have been crawling all over you on the second date icon_wink.gif

    Understood that you are taking it slow, and starting as friends - but after this amount of time? Oh golly....make the move!
    Or get your friend some new glasses !icon_lol.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Mar 11, 2016 12:39 AM GMT
    that you are a twelve year old girl. your test results could be valid by then. do him already
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    Mar 11, 2016 1:42 AM GMT
    Apparition saidthat you are a twelve year old girl. your test results could be valid by then. do him already


    Fellas... Nowhere did I say we weren't having sex. We hang out every weekend... dinners, hiking, movies, cuddling, long talks, coffee and have a vigorous sex life. We have even had several talks about "us" which is how we know that we've both been through shitty relationships in the past. We just retreat back to our own beds at night after a lengthy cuddling. I'm just asking about the "spending the night together" part.
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    Mar 11, 2016 5:48 AM GMT
    CODY4U saidNot staying the night after three to four months would be sending a message that you're asexual or you're not sexually interested in him or you're both bottoms. If you do stay the night and it sucks, you totally just wasted a lot of time.


    Laugh out loud!

    woodfordr said
    Apparition saidthat you are a twelve year old girl. your test results could be valid by then. do him already


    Fellas... Nowhere did I say we weren't having sex. We hang out every weekend... dinners, hiking, movies, cuddling, long talks, coffee and have a vigorous sex life. We have even had several talks about "us" which is how we know that we've both been through shitty relationships in the past. We just retreat back to our own beds at night after a lengthy cuddling. I'm just asking about the "spending the night together" part.


    Ooooooooo, okay. Well I'm going to take a dab into this one. And only because I've been reading online relationship articles about 3-4 times a day trying to work thru my own dating wonders.

    I don't know. there's a difference between slow, sneaky, and successful relationships. I feel like you guys are on the iPhone 3Ssssshit. You seem to have a succesful thing going, but it seems to be going awfully slow if you can't sneak in a night together.

    To me, spending the night with someone can be very hard if I have feelings for someone else I've been seeing. But it's also something that I truly enjoy. If a guy can't do that and goes home at the end of the night, where is he going home to? Kids, parents, another man or woman? That's what I'd be wondering because in all the times I could not spend a night with another guy or he could only spend the night with me...that was the reason.

    The fact that y'all both had bad relationships before has nothing to do with spending the night or not, especially if you're already seeing each other and having sex. That's baggage and emotional walls and that has no place whatsoever in a new relationship. This almost sounds like you guys are just friends with benefits. Not saying that spending the night would equate to something more, but something seems dubious about the whole thing.

    You guys should set a weekend to spend a night together. If he flakes, that's your answer right there.

    woodfordr saidWe just retreat back to our own beds at night after a lengthy cuddling. I'm just asking about the "spending the night together" part.


    I'm almost finding this hard to believe and there's got to be something else going on. I've been in situations just like that, where you're cuddling, it's late...the weather is horrible (if you live where it snows). Drinks might be involved. You're both off the next day. You mean to tell me y'all stop cuddling after "lengthy" cuddling to go back to your own beds? Are y'all neighbors? Cuz if not this is def not sounding right.

    That's not to say y'all should be spending the night every weekend, but never in 3-4 months?
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    Mar 11, 2016 7:37 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidSee? This is why I like sex in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. All this awkwardness is bypassed. If at the end of sex, we're both laughing and happy, there's the start of a friendship that may become more. Though I do (did) spend time online getting to know the guy a bit before meeting. So I always knew in advance that he was someone I could trust and like.

    Not everyone is like you. I don't understand why is it so hard for you to understand. I have seen you reiterating this thought over and over on this forum.
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    Mar 11, 2016 11:18 AM GMT
    It depends on who is asking to stay the night and for what reason. If you ask someone to spend the night and sleep in the same bed post sexual activity it means you trust that person and want his company. if you avoid it that may mean you don't trust the other person and feel safe, or it may mean you need alone time to process that day's emotions privately.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 11, 2016 12:23 PM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    Destinharbor saidSee? This is why I like sex in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. All this awkwardness is bypassed. If at the end of sex, we're both laughing and happy, there's the start of a friendship that may become more. Though I do (did) spend time online getting to know the guy a bit before meeting. So I always knew in advance that he was someone I could trust and like.

    Not everyone is like you. I don't understand why is it so hard for you to understand. I have seen you reiterating this thought over and over on this forum.

    How rediculous. Because I like everyone else thought he was asking about first sex. I was stating my opinion, that it shouldn't be a nervous issue and doesn't have to be.

    And your contribution to his question, attacking me, is helpful how?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2016 9:41 PM GMT
    Some people are different. Sleeping together can be more intimate than sex. But there are other issues: work schedules, dogs, our own time clocks, snoring, sheet pullers.....just waking up next to someone.

    I have a friend, we've fucked many times over 2 years. I've stayed over a few times. But he's up early, works two jobs and has his dogs!
    Last time we "slept" I woke him up twice. So neither of us got much sleep.

    FB? yeah but more than that.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 12, 2016 2:05 AM GMT
    I'd say that you need to invite him if you would like and that if you don't want to do the inviting at this point then it is OK to just ask him something like, "How do you feel about spending the night together. I was thinking about us going somewhere for a weekend." The weekend thing would give him an out if the idea freaks him. Or it could give him an opening like, "Well, I can't really get away for a weekend soon but how about you bring your toothbrush next time you come over?" I think the idea is to not make to much of a big deal over it while you are testing the waters.

    As to building relationships, at some point you have to get used to being vulnerable to each other. Just be polite and you will be fine.

  • Falconcc_24

    Posts: 75

    Mar 12, 2016 3:06 AM GMT
    Hopefully an honest one.
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    Mar 12, 2016 7:01 AM GMT
    timmm55 said
    I have a friend, we've fucked many times over 2 years. I've stayed over a few times. But he's up early, works two jobs and has his dogs!
    Last time we "slept" I woke him up twice. So neither of us got much sleep.

    FB? yeah but more than that.


    Ok, tell me....what is up with middle aged gay men and dogs? Especially with white guys. I'm starting to take a pledge to not date guys with dogs. Especially if it's DOGSSS as in more than 1. Dogs are for kids and families in my opinion. If someone is single and they have to have multiple dogs, it seems like they're trying to live on a social diet where they can mingle, but never let anyone get too close.

    It seems like the guys with multiple dogs are already married to their companions. Guys like that, you can't get too close with because their dogs come before anyone else they meet. Most of them are really shy and don't get involved in the gay community as much. All they do is whore around and make it seem they're above the community somehow by abandoning it. But they still fuck around. Please.

    Like I said before, most guys with dogs are dogs themselves. I've met some nasty ass mother fuckers who sleep around...and of course, what are dogs known for? I'm talking nasty mother fuckers. Like, they'll fuck someone before you and then afterwards fuck someone else...and do it bareback and have the nerve to tell you about it AFTER the fact. They usually have atleast 2 dogs, maybe 3 or 4.

    I however....have a cat. 1 cat. Wasn't really my choice to get it, but she's here. I also have aquariums. When guys Come over...I don't even have to tell her ain't no sleeping in my bed when a guy is over. Hell no.
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    Mar 12, 2016 6:06 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 said
    timmm55 said
    I have a friend, we've fucked many times over 2 years. I've stayed over a few times. But he's up early, works two jobs and has his dogs!
    Last time we "slept" I woke him up twice. So neither of us got much sleep.

    FB? yeah but more than that.


    Ok, tell me....what is up with middle aged gay men and dogs? Especially with white guys. I'm starting to take a pledge to not date guys with dogs. Especially if it's DOGSSS as in more than 1. Dogs are for kids and families in my opinion. If someone is single and they have to have multiple dogs, it seems like they're trying to live on a social diet where they can mingle, but never let anyone get too close.

    It seems like the guys with multiple dogs are already married to their companions. Guys like that, you can't get too close with because their dogs come before anyone else they meet. Most of them are really shy and don't get involved in the gay community as much. All they do is whore around and make it seem they're above the community somehow by abandoning it. But they still fuck around. Please.

    Like I said before, most guys with dogs are dogs themselves. I've met some nasty ass mother fuckers who sleep around...and of course, what are dogs known for? I'm talking nasty mother fuckers. Like, they'll fuck someone before you and then afterwards fuck someone else...and do it bareback and have the nerve to tell you about it AFTER the fact. They usually have atleast 2 dogs, maybe 3 or 4.

    I however....have a cat. 1 cat. Wasn't really my choice to get it, but she's here. I also have aquariums. When guys Come over...I don't even have to tell her ain't no sleeping in my bed when a guy is over. Hell no.


    Gay men love their dogs, it's obvious. My ex and I had a Beagle/Bassett. My other ex has 2 schnauzers with his current boy friend of 20+ years.
    Focus, the adaption place said Gay men are the best. We treat our dogs like our children. Not necessarily a bad thing! If a man doesn't like dogs or cats I don't know if I could like HIM.

    Luc doesn't whore around. He's too busy. His 3 dogs are a lot to handle. One is my buddy. And his ex lives in the Casita behind his house. (Who I dated 3 years ago). It's complicated! But worth it.

    I've had the house in the burbs, with the fireplace, pool and 4 cars. It didn't work out. I can't ever judge what makes a relationship work between two people. No matter how unorthodox it may seem. If they are happy it is working.
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    Mar 12, 2016 8:29 PM GMT
    LJay saidI'd say that you need to invite him if you would like and that if you don't want to do the inviting at this point then it is OK to just ask him something like, "How do you feel about spending the night together. I was thinking about us going somewhere for a weekend." The weekend thing would give him an out if the idea freaks him. Or it could give him an opening like, "Well, I can't really get away for a weekend soon but how about you bring your toothbrush next time you come over?" I think the idea is to not make to much of a big deal over it while you are testing the waters.

    As to building relationships, at some point you have to get used to being vulnerable to each other. Just be polite and you will be fine.



    This is great. Thanks!