Breaking up with a nice guy, help?

  • weneedlovetoo

    Posts: 92

    Mar 12, 2016 5:10 AM GMT
    ** Warning, long post**


    Wow it's been awhile since i posted sth here. anyway here is my dilemma:

    I am so torn right now since I am about to break up with this guy i've been dating for the past 4 months (well i don't know if break up would be a good term to use since we've never have the "talk").

    So i met this guy 4 months ago, he is graduating from law school and is from a good family. He is from the nice guy category,he drives to see me once every 2 weeks (sometimes every week), does everything a boyfriend would do. We've never argue, and he is definitely a 10/10 on paper that i would want to marry.... except i'm not. I just find he is so different, and because he likes me more i feel like there is no challenge,and at times i get bored.

    Eventhough we are not official, i think it is implied that we are in committed relationship since we talk everyday and we both deleted the dating app. Eventhough, he is such an amazing catch deep down in side i know he is not my one, at times i find him not attractive.I really really want to like him and i've tried to talk myself into it , and try to make it work but it just doesn't.

    I've finally decided to drop the bomb on him tomorrow, but i'm so scared that it is going to hurt him badly since i'm the first guy he's dated too ( that's my concern too, because there is a huge gap in our dating experience.).

    I feel so guilty that i am doing it, but i think he deserves someone who loves him the same way he loves them.

    So we are having a date tomorrow, do you think i should tell him before going on a date or after our date?

    Sorry for such a long essay. also, any advice how to do it gently so he won't be hurt ba
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 12, 2016 5:15 AM GMT
    Good choice ... it sounds like you have his best interests in mind .... he deserves some one who really loves him ... not someone who is just going through the motions ... it is better to break it off sooner than later so you both can get on with your lives
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 12, 2016 5:18 AM GMT
    Just tell him you really like him, but you are not in love with him and see him more as a friend than a partner and long term relationship and you want to break it off so you can both move on and find the relationship you are both looking for
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Mar 12, 2016 7:57 AM GMT
    Yup. If you need to let him go, do so ASAP. Be kind and courteous about it, but do not leave him in any doubt about where your feelings are.

    No doubt, he has no dating experience. He has apparently committed the most common of all the usual 10/10 nice guys errors. He is genuinely nice, drives over to see you, spends time with you, acts in both responsive and responsible manner. This is actually the dude you would want to marry.

    But,

    there is no challenge; he is actually boring, and you still probably want to see if there is someone else 'better' waiting for you around the block?

    Hopefully, he'll learn that hardly any relationship functions over a longer time without an inherent tension. Letting someone take you for granted is the most common poison to practically all the relationships.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 2:56 PM GMT
    Well...aren't you the ALTRUIST?
    Pre-emptively breaking it off with him before he has the chance to dump your sorry ass....nice. By all means, walk away from this guy, he deserves a whole lot more than you are.
    Your written attempts at justification for breaking up, make you sound like the typical shallow, insecure, insincere, immature, game-playing queen, that always has wanderlust... the "challenge" for you of "the chase", will be the guarantee of a very long life as a single person with a trail of broken relationships behind you...Congratulations!
    Yes, please hurry up and dump him. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 12, 2016 3:07 PM GMT
    Send him down to New Orleans.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 4:05 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidNo doubt, he has no dating experience. He has apparently committed the most common of all the usual 10/10 nice guys errors. He is genuinely nice, drives over to see you, spends time with you, acts in both responsive and responsible manner. This is actually the dude you would want to marry.

    But,

    there is no challenge; he is actually boring, and you still probably want to see if there is someone else 'better' waiting for you around the block?

    Hopefully, he'll learn that hardly any relationship functions over a longer time without an inherent tension. Letting someone take you for granted is the most common poison to practically all the relationships.

    SC


    What exactly is your point? Decent, nice guys are boring? They should create tension and drama? Either chemistry is there or it isn't. However, I'd kill for a nice,decent guy who made the effort to spend time with me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 5:06 PM GMT
    I certainly look at this and say to myself don't even think of giving an opinion. Then I said, well opinions are like a particular "anatomical part" everybody has one.

    "I've finally decided to drop the bomb on him tomorrow, but i'm so scared that it is going to hurt him badly".

    From my experience bombs are always catastrophic.... and you're scared?

    What exactly are you prepared to do once you've dropped the bomb?

    As for going on that "date" of destiny I wonder about that. Face to face-yeah that's fair.

    He hasn't passed the BAR right? lucky for you bobola (was a Catholic Saint).



  • Carpe_diem0

    Posts: 1

    Mar 12, 2016 8:19 PM GMT
    Just want to point out from the perspective of a law student that it's actually a huge time commitment for him to drive over to see you every one/ two weeks. He's probably sacrificing his grades to be with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 9:45 PM GMT
    (a) Do it quick, do it thoroughly, don't leave any options. He deserves to know it's over, he deserves to move on as speedily as possible. It doesn't hurt to look like you're an asshole during the breakup, it will make it easier for him to forget about you.

    (b) From your message, I get a sense that you realize you might be making a mistake. Don't fret about it: if it's a mistake, you'll learn from it. In that case, it will hurt like crazy, but sadly pain is the only logic the heart understands.

    (c) First relationships often break up relatively quickly. If you can break up amicably, you are much better off than many other people I know that won't even talk to their first love anymore.

    Don't worry too much. You are doing the right thing for both of you. He sounds like a real catch, and you'll find someone else that suits you better.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 12, 2016 10:25 PM GMT
    Sporty_G saidWell...aren't you the ALTRUIST?
    Pre-emptively breaking it off with him before he has the chance to dump your sorry ass....nice. By all means, walk away from this guy, he deserves a whole lot more than you are.
    Your written attempts at justification for breaking up, make you sound like the typical shallow, insecure, insincere, immature, game-playing queen, that always has wanderlust... the "challenge" for you of "the chase", will be the guarantee of a very long life as a single person with a trail of broken relationships behind you...Congratulations!
    Yes, please hurry up and dump him. icon_rolleyes.gif







    Truth.





    icon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 2:01 AM GMT
    Please tell him before the date. And don't have the date.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Mar 13, 2016 2:10 PM GMT
    rnch said
    Sporty_G saidWell...aren't you the ALTRUIST?
    Pre-emptively breaking it off with him before he has the chance to dump your sorry ass....nice. By all means, walk away from this guy, he deserves a whole lot more than you are.
    Your written attempts at justification for breaking up, make you sound like the typical shallow, insecure, insincere, immature, game-playing queen, that always has wanderlust... the "challenge" for you of "the chase", will be the guarantee of a very long life as a single person with a trail of broken relationships behind you...Congratulations!
    Yes, please hurry up and dump him. icon_rolleyes.gif







    Truth.

    I second that!





    icon_idea.gif
  • Kinneticbrian

    Posts: 230

    Mar 13, 2016 3:59 PM GMT
    So you're ready, if eager from the sound of it, to have the break-up conversation and want to do it in an adult manner, presumably with adult (low drama) results despite clearly never having had a mature dating conversation during these four months. With you having more dating experience, the responsibility really was yours.

    Nobody can tell you that this guy is going to be hurt or to what level, because none of us are him. But there's little doubt he's going to feel played, possibly used and ultimately that his trust in you was at the very least, misplaced.

    Let's take a look at this. You've found a guy who's from a good family, is beginning what will undoubtedly be a good, solid, stable career, who is nice (I realize in the gay world this is some sort of venial sin) loyal, who clearly cares for you, and who you describe using terms such as "10/10", "The guy I would want to marry" and "quality". You've found, or been found, by a genuine guy of substance as opposed to some counterfeit jackass full of substances and your rationale is that you need to dump him because although he's "an amazing catch, you know he's not your one" and you try to justify it because of a gap in "dating experience".

    Experience has taught me some very valuable things, one of which is that there is such a thing as dating experience, which you reference and then there's what I call relationship capacity. And a wealth of one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the quantity of the other. It sounds like you're quite dating experienced, but your capacity for being in a relationship is lacking and trailing his tremendously and that is the real problem here.

    It also sounds like you've yet to master the art of contentment, the discipline of commitment and, frankly, a heart of gratitude. So what if there's no challenge left? Ask yourself how you'd really feel when you no longer hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hand touching yours... Of course, special days like Pride or Valentine's day are best being spent alone in a bar, self-medicating. But hey! It's better that way, right?

    The big problem here isn't with this guy. It hasn't anything to do with his being "too nice" or lacking dating experience. It has everything to do with the seemingly pervasive attitude in the gay community that a gay "Zac Efron, with a 7 figure a year income, 5 million dollar trust fund, no full time job, yet career successful, homes and playgrounds all over the world, connected to every diva and celebrity yet is down to earth" is somehow painstakingly searching for you and he'll turn up just as you commit to a quality guy (cue The Price Is Right "You lost" music about here) and you'll be stuck with someone who all of a sudden transforms at midnight from a nice guy to an ugly mother in law in a faded bathrobe, fuzzy slippers and hair in curlers, screaming at you while your kids, complete with fudgesicle stained faces and dirty bare feet cry in the background while the Aldi brand "Cheese and Macaroni" burns on the stove in your house trailer. Let me tell you something, you're chasing unicorns.

    If I seem a bit irritated here, I am. Because it's behavior like yours often turns otherwise nice guys into either bitter queens, or jaded guys who just won't allow themselves to trust anyone. 4 dates or a couple of weeks is one thing. 4 months is just playing him.

    What this really comes down to is fear and moreover you letting fear control you. You're afraid he just might be the one to take you off the "market". You're afraid his family might just accept you. You're afraid that someday you might wake up and be older with someone you grew older with. You're ultimately afraid because this guy is genuine and you haven't been with him. If you had, breaking up would be the farthest thing from your mind.

    You talk about there being "no real challenge" left. Let me clue you in here. The "challenge" isn't in the pursuit of someone. The challenge is when they lose a loved one and you have to be strong for both of you. The challenge is when the doctor says "we have a problem" and you realize they're all you have. The challenge is slamming the door on fear and insecurity that the world tries to bring in, because commitment and that one guy means more to you than anything else. The challenge is standing by him through it all. The challenge is opening your heart and soul and letting his heart look at yours and his soul touch yours. Acting like a horny teenager, chasing guys and being "ever in the game" isn't a challenge - it's a cop out and a cheap, insipid one at that.

    Do him a favor and end this now. Be honest with yourself first and then with him. It'll do him good and hopefully it does you too.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Mar 13, 2016 5:52 PM GMT
    Kinneticbrian saidSo you're ready, if eager from the sound of it, to have the break-up conversation and want to do it in an adult manner, presumably with adult (low drama) results despite clearly never having had a mature dating conversation during these four months. With you having more dating experience, the responsibility really was yours.

    Nobody can tell you that this guy is going to be hurt or to what level, because none of us are him. But there's little doubt he's going to feel played, possibly used and ultimately that his trust in you was at the very least, misplaced.

    Let's take a look at this. You've found a guy who's from a good family, is beginning what will undoubtedly be a good, solid, stable career, who is nice (I realize in the gay world this is some sort of venial sin) loyal, who clearly cares for you, and who you describe using terms such as "10/10", "The guy I would want to marry" and "quality". You've found, or been found, by a genuine guy of substance as opposed to some counterfeit jackass full of substances and your rationale is that you need to dump him because although he's "an amazing catch, you know he's not your one" and you try to justify it because of a gap in "dating experience".

    Experience has taught me some very valuable things, one of which is that there is such a thing as dating experience, which you reference and then there's what I call relationship capacity. And a wealth of one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the quantity of the other. It sounds like you're quite dating experienced, but your capacity for being in a relationship is lacking and trailing his tremendously and that is the real problem here.

    It also sounds like you've yet to master the art of contentment, the discipline of commitment and, frankly, a heart of gratitude. So what if there's no challenge left? Ask yourself how you'd really feel when you no longer hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hand touching yours... Of course, special days like Pride or Valentine's day are best being spent alone in a bar, self-medicating. But hey! It's better that way, right?

    The big problem here isn't with this guy. It hasn't anything to do with his being "too nice" or lacking dating experience. It has everything to do with the seemingly pervasive attitude in the gay community that a gay "Zac Efron, with a 7 figure a year income, 5 million dollar trust fund, no full time job, yet career successful, homes and playgrounds all over the world, connected to every diva and celebrity yet is down to earth" is somehow painstakingly searching for you and he'll turn up just as you commit to a quality guy (cue The Price Is Right "You lost" music about here) and you'll be stuck with someone who all of a sudden transforms at midnight from a nice guy to an ugly mother in law in a faded bathrobe, fuzzy slippers and hair in curlers, screaming at you while your kids, complete with fudgesicle stained faces and dirty bare feet cry in the background while the Aldi brand "Cheese and Macaroni" burns on the stove in your house trailer. Let me tell you something, you're chasing unicorns.

    If I seem a bit irritated here, I am. Because it's behavior like yours often turns otherwise nice guys into either bitter queens, or jaded guys who just won't allow themselves to trust anyone. 4 dates or a couple of weeks is one thing. 4 months is just playing him.

    What this really comes down to is fear and moreover you letting fear control you. You're afraid he just might be the one to take you off the "market". You're afraid his family might just accept you. You're afraid that someday you might wake up and be older with someone you grew older with. You're ultimately afraid because this guy is genuine and you haven't been with him. If you had, breaking up would be the farthest thing from your mind.

    You talk about there being "no real challenge" left. Let me clue you in here. The "challenge" isn't in the pursuit of someone. The challenge is when they lose a loved one and you have to be strong for both of you. The challenge is when the doctor says "we have a problem" and you realize they're all you have. The challenge is slamming the door on fear and insecurity that the world tries to bring in, because commitment and that one guy means more to you than anything else. The challenge is standing by him through it all. The challenge is opening your heart and soul and letting his heart look at yours and his soul touch yours. Acting like a horny teenager, chasing guys and being "ever in the game" isn't a challenge - it's a cop out and a cheap, insipid one at that.

    Do him a favor and end this now. Be honest with yourself first and then with him. It'll do him good and hopefully it does you too.


    Wow! its being a long while since I viewed a comment on Realjock worth reading! thank you!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 6:15 PM GMT
    Sporty_G saidWell...aren't you the ALTRUIST?
    Pre-emptively breaking it off with him before he has the chance to dump your sorry ass....nice. By all means, walk away from this guy, he deserves a whole lot more than you are.
    Your written attempts at justification for breaking up, make you sound like the typical shallow, insecure, insincere, immature, game-playing queen, that always has wanderlust... the "challenge" for you of "the chase", will be the guarantee of a very long life as a single person with a trail of broken relationships behind you...Congratulations!
    Yes, please hurry up and dump him. icon_rolleyes.gif


    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 6:16 PM GMT
    Kinneticbrian saidSo you're ready, if eager from the sound of it, to have the break-up conversation and want to do it in an adult manner, presumably with adult (low drama) results despite clearly never having had a mature dating conversation during these four months. With you having more dating experience, the responsibility really was yours.

    Nobody can tell you that this guy is going to be hurt or to what level, because none of us are him. But there's little doubt he's going to feel played, possibly used and ultimately that his trust in you was at the very least, misplaced.

    Let's take a look at this. You've found a guy who's from a good family, is beginning what will undoubtedly be a good, solid, stable career, who is nice (I realize in the gay world this is some sort of venial sin) loyal, who clearly cares for you, and who you describe using terms such as "10/10", "The guy I would want to marry" and "quality". You've found, or been found, by a genuine guy of substance as opposed to some counterfeit jackass full of substances and your rationale is that you need to dump him because although he's "an amazing catch, you know he's not your one" and you try to justify it because of a gap in "dating experience".

    Experience has taught me some very valuable things, one of which is that there is such a thing as dating experience, which you reference and then there's what I call relationship capacity. And a wealth of one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the quantity of the other. It sounds like you're quite dating experienced, but your capacity for being in a relationship is lacking and trailing his tremendously and that is the real problem here.

    It also sounds like you've yet to master the art of contentment, the discipline of commitment and, frankly, a heart of gratitude. So what if there's no challenge left? Ask yourself how you'd really feel when you no longer hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hand touching yours... Of course, special days like Pride or Valentine's day are best being spent alone in a bar, self-medicating. But hey! It's better that way, right?

    The big problem here isn't with this guy. It hasn't anything to do with his being "too nice" or lacking dating experience. It has everything to do with the seemingly pervasive attitude in the gay community that a gay "Zac Efron, with a 7 figure a year income, 5 million dollar trust fund, no full time job, yet career successful, homes and playgrounds all over the world, connected to every diva and celebrity yet is down to earth" is somehow painstakingly searching for you and he'll turn up just as you commit to a quality guy (cue The Price Is Right "You lost" music about here) and you'll be stuck with someone who all of a sudden transforms at midnight from a nice guy to an ugly mother in law in a faded bathrobe, fuzzy slippers and hair in curlers, screaming at you while your kids, complete with fudgesicle stained faces and dirty bare feet cry in the background while the Aldi brand "Cheese and Macaroni" burns on the stove in your house trailer. Let me tell you something, you're chasing unicorns.

    If I seem a bit irritated here, I am. Because it's behavior like yours often turns otherwise nice guys into either bitter queens, or jaded guys who just won't allow themselves to trust anyone. 4 dates or a couple of weeks is one thing. 4 months is just playing him.

    What this really comes down to is fear and moreover you letting fear control you. You're afraid he just might be the one to take you off the "market". You're afraid his family might just accept you. You're afraid that someday you might wake up and be older with someone you grew older with. You're ultimately afraid because this guy is genuine and you haven't been with him. If you had, breaking up would be the farthest thing from your mind.

    You talk about there being "no real challenge" left. Let me clue you in here. The "challenge" isn't in the pursuit of someone. The challenge is when they lose a loved one and you have to be strong for both of you. The challenge is when the doctor says "we have a problem" and you realize they're all you have. The challenge is slamming the door on fear and insecurity that the world tries to bring in, because commitment and that one guy means more to you than anything else. The challenge is standing by him through it all. The challenge is opening your heart and soul and letting his heart look at yours and his soul touch yours. Acting like a horny teenager, chasing guys and being "ever in the game" isn't a challenge - it's a cop out and a cheap, insipid one at that.

    Do him a favor and end this now. Be honest with yourself first and then with him. It'll do him good and hopefully it does you too.


    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 6:58 PM GMT
    You seem to be reasonably certain that you're not meant for each other ("he likes me more, I feel like there is no challenge, and at times I get bored"; "at times I find him not attractive"). If that's the case, there's no reason to prolong the agony. This may be the most opportune time to break up with him, given that it's spring break for most law school students. That'll give him time to get over the disappointment or grief before law school starts again. A phone breakup would be disrespectful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 8:13 PM GMT
    Thank you everyone for your input, despite the fact that some replies were pretty hurtful, but maybe i deserve that. Maybe it was my misplaced of wordings or what not that striked me as a player but i assure you that i am not. The reason why it's been 4 months because everyday i told myself that i could make it work, because he is such an amazing guy that i wanted to be in love with but no one can force a feeling. It is the feeling of Yes, i should be with him it made a lot of senses, Yes i like him alot but is this love? to be fair i, myself don't even know what is the feeling of love. I've never meant to hurt him (intentionally or unintentionally), i've been faithful and behave as ones should, in a relationship. Yes, he's always there for me and is a good catch but it doesn't mean that i am not.

    I am not doing him a favor, i'm not altruistic, i am just selfish enough to love myself and to feel myself free from the guilt of holding on to someone who I don't love, but just because he is a good catch. He deserves better i don't deny that.

    Dating someone new to the scene is scary, it played into my insecurity the fear of being left because they want to explore more...

    also to clarify, we've never talked about being in a relationship nor being boyfriends. I've made sure i told him that I only said i love you only when i know for sure that it is how i feel. I've been very honest with him from the start.

    Yes, we ended up staying friends.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Mar 13, 2016 10:39 PM GMT
    I wonder about your conception of love as a feeling. You might want to be infatuated with someone, as if that fresh rush of emotions is proof it's a genuine love. Problem is, infatuation wears off after a while. Then you're back to realizing you are with a great guy, but since you're no longer infatuated, you take it as proof he's not "the one" for you.

    There's dating experience and there's relationship experience. Maybe you do not have a lot of relationship experience. Ideally each relationship you are in teaches you, so you are smarter the next time you find yourself in a relationship again.

    I don't think love is a feeling. Feelings are transient. Love is deeper and stronger and survives well past the infatuation stage. Do not make the mistake of thinking that love is like a romance movie. It might be useful to explore how you've come to understand love as you do.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2016 12:39 AM GMT
    All good advise already…but the saddest thing is that you knew initially. We all do, to say it took you 4 months to come this conclusion I just do not believe. You had these feeling probably the 1st week or 2 and you should have ended right then and then and be upfront with him, rather than continue with the relationship. I have seen this time and time again. If guys had just the balls to say how they felt rather than continue, we would not have a lot of jaded or angry guys. Best of luck, but I know I would react angrily in the sense of being lied for 4 months.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Mar 14, 2016 1:22 PM GMT
    Kinneticbrian saidSo you're ready, if eager from the sound of it, to have the break-up conversation and want to do it in an adult manner, presumably with adult (low drama) results despite clearly never having had a mature dating conversation during these four months. With you having more dating experience, the responsibility really was yours.

    Nobody can tell you that this guy is going to be hurt or to what level, because none of us are him. But there's little doubt he's going to feel played, possibly used and ultimately that his trust in you was at the very least, misplaced.

    Let's take a look at this. You've found a guy who's from a good family, is beginning what will undoubtedly be a good, solid, stable career, who is nice (I realize in the gay world this is some sort of venial sin) loyal, who clearly cares for you, and who you describe using terms such as "10/10", "The guy I would want to marry" and "quality". You've found, or been found, by a genuine guy of substance as opposed to some counterfeit jackass full of substances and your rationale is that you need to dump him because although he's "an amazing catch, you know he's not your one" and you try to justify it because of a gap in "dating experience".

    Experience has taught me some very valuable things, one of which is that there is such a thing as dating experience, which you reference and then there's what I call relationship capacity. And a wealth of one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the quantity of the other. It sounds like you're quite dating experienced, but your capacity for being in a relationship is lacking and trailing his tremendously and that is the real problem here.

    It also sounds like you've yet to master the art of contentment, the discipline of commitment and, frankly, a heart of gratitude. So what if there's no challenge left? Ask yourself how you'd really feel when you no longer hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hand touching yours... Of course, special days like Pride or Valentine's day are best being spent alone in a bar, self-medicating. But hey! It's better that way, right?

    The big problem here isn't with this guy. It hasn't anything to do with his being "too nice" or lacking dating experience. It has everything to do with the seemingly pervasive attitude in the gay community that a gay "Zac Efron, with a 7 figure a year income, 5 million dollar trust fund, no full time job, yet career successful, homes and playgrounds all over the world, connected to every diva and celebrity yet is down to earth" is somehow painstakingly searching for you and he'll turn up just as you commit to a quality guy (cue The Price Is Right "You lost" music about here) and you'll be stuck with someone who all of a sudden transforms at midnight from a nice guy to an ugly mother in law in a faded bathrobe, fuzzy slippers and hair in curlers, screaming at you while your kids, complete with fudgesicle stained faces and dirty bare feet cry in the background while the Aldi brand "Cheese and Macaroni" burns on the stove in your house trailer. Let me tell you something, you're chasing unicorns.

    If I seem a bit irritated here, I am. Because it's behavior like yours often turns otherwise nice guys into either bitter queens, or jaded guys who just won't allow themselves to trust anyone. 4 dates or a couple of weeks is one thing. 4 months is just playing him.

    What this really comes down to is fear and moreover you letting fear control you. You're afraid he just might be the one to take you off the "market". You're afraid his family might just accept you. You're afraid that someday you might wake up and be older with someone you grew older with. You're ultimately afraid because this guy is genuine and you haven't been with him. If you had, breaking up would be the farthest thing from your mind.

    You talk about there being "no real challenge" left. Let me clue you in here. The "challenge" isn't in the pursuit of someone. The challenge is when they lose a loved one and you have to be strong for both of you. The challenge is when the doctor says "we have a problem" and you realize they're all you have. The challenge is slamming the door on fear and insecurity that the world tries to bring in, because commitment and that one guy means more to you than anything else. The challenge is standing by him through it all. The challenge is opening your heart and soul and letting his heart look at yours and his soul touch yours. Acting like a horny teenager, chasing guys and being "ever in the game" isn't a challenge - it's a cop out and a cheap, insipid one at that.

    Do him a favor and end this now. Be honest with yourself first and then with him. It'll do him good and hopefully it does you too.


    ***DROPS MIC AND WALKS AWAY***
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Mar 14, 2016 1:40 PM GMT
    tobeherewithyou saidThank you everyone for your input, despite the fact that some replies were pretty hurtful, but maybe i deserve that. Maybe it was my misplaced of wordings or what not that striked me as a player but i assure you that i am not. The reason why it's been 4 months because everyday i told myself that i could make it work, because he is such an amazing guy that i wanted to be in love with but no one can force a feeling. It is the feeling of Yes, i should be with him it made a lot of senses, Yes i like him alot but is this love? to be fair i, myself don't even know what is the feeling of love. I've never meant to hurt him (intentionally or unintentionally), i've been faithful and behave as ones should, in a relationship. Yes, he's always there for me and is a good catch but it doesn't mean that i am not.

    I am not doing him a favor, i'm not altruistic, i am just selfish enough to love myself and to feel myself free from the guilt of holding on to someone who I don't love, but just because he is a good catch. He deserves better i don't deny that.

    Dating someone new to the scene is scary, it played into my insecurity the fear of being left because they want to explore more...

    also to clarify, we've never talked about being in a relationship nor being boyfriends. I've made sure i told him that I only said i love you only when i know for sure that it is how i feel. I've been very honest with him from the start.

    Yes, we ended up staying friends.


    I've discovered that love isn't this explosion of fireworks as I thought it once was.

    Love is having someone there for you, when all of the others that were in your life have walked away.

    Love is knowing that person will do anything for you and you would do anything for them.

    Love is enjoying having that person near you, even when they're "boring".

    Love is seeing the "flaws" in that person, seeing the things that can make them unattractive to you but realizing that you're attracted to who they are and how they make you feel.

    You never mentioned how the sex was, and sex is important, but I realized not as much as you think it does.

    I hope you find what you're looking for, but please don't cry on his shoulder about what you can't find.

    Best of luck.

  • beaujangle

    Posts: 1701

    Mar 14, 2016 11:10 PM GMT
    Kinneticbrian saidSo you're ready, if eager from the sound of it, to have the break-up conversation and want to do it in an adult manner, presumably with adult (low drama) results despite clearly never having had a mature dating conversation during these four months. With you having more dating experience, the responsibility really was yours.

    Nobody can tell you that this guy is going to be hurt or to what level, because none of us are him. But there's little doubt he's going to feel played, possibly used and ultimately that his trust in you was at the very least, misplaced.

    Let's take a look at this. You've found a guy who's from a good family, is beginning what will undoubtedly be a good, solid, stable career, who is nice (I realize in the gay world this is some sort of venial sin) loyal, who clearly cares for you, and who you describe using terms such as "10/10", "The guy I would want to marry" and "quality". You've found, or been found, by a genuine guy of substance as opposed to some counterfeit jackass full of substances and your rationale is that you need to dump him because although he's "an amazing catch, you know he's not your one" and you try to justify it because of a gap in "dating experience".

    Experience has taught me some very valuable things, one of which is that there is such a thing as dating experience, which you reference and then there's what I call relationship capacity. And a wealth of one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the quantity of the other. It sounds like you're quite dating experienced, but your capacity for being in a relationship is lacking and trailing his tremendously and that is the real problem here.

    It also sounds like you've yet to master the art of contentment, the discipline of commitment and, frankly, a heart of gratitude. So what if there's no challenge left? Ask yourself how you'd really feel when you no longer hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hand touching yours... Of course, special days like Pride or Valentine's day are best being spent alone in a bar, self-medicating. But hey! It's better that way, right?

    The big problem here isn't with this guy. It hasn't anything to do with his being "too nice" or lacking dating experience. It has everything to do with the seemingly pervasive attitude in the gay community that a gay "Zac Efron, with a 7 figure a year income, 5 million dollar trust fund, no full time job, yet career successful, homes and playgrounds all over the world, connected to every diva and celebrity yet is down to earth" is somehow painstakingly searching for you and he'll turn up just as you commit to a quality guy (cue The Price Is Right "You lost" music about here) and you'll be stuck with someone who all of a sudden transforms at midnight from a nice guy to an ugly mother in law in a faded bathrobe, fuzzy slippers and hair in curlers, screaming at you while your kids, complete with fudgesicle stained faces and dirty bare feet cry in the background while the Aldi brand "Cheese and Macaroni" burns on the stove in your house trailer. Let me tell you something, you're chasing unicorns.

    If I seem a bit irritated here, I am. Because it's behavior like yours often turns otherwise nice guys into either bitter queens, or jaded guys who just won't allow themselves to trust anyone. 4 dates or a couple of weeks is one thing. 4 months is just playing him.

    What this really comes down to is fear and moreover you letting fear control you. You're afraid he just might be the one to take you off the "market". You're afraid his family might just accept you. You're afraid that someday you might wake up and be older with someone you grew older with. You're ultimately afraid because this guy is genuine and you haven't been with him. If you had, breaking up would be the farthest thing from your mind.

    You talk about there being "no real challenge" left. Let me clue you in here. The "challenge" isn't in the pursuit of someone. The challenge is when they lose a loved one and you have to be strong for both of you. The challenge is when the doctor says "we have a problem" and you realize they're all you have. The challenge is slamming the door on fear and insecurity that the world tries to bring in, because commitment and that one guy means more to you than anything else. The challenge is standing by him through it all. The challenge is opening your heart and soul and letting his heart look at yours and his soul touch yours. Acting like a horny teenager, chasing guys and being "ever in the game" isn't a challenge - it's a cop out and a cheap, insipid one at that.

    Do him a favor and end this now. Be honest with yourself first and then with him. It'll do him good and hopefully it does you too.


    Thank you for this excellent reply esp the part on challenge. Immature guys need to read that portion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2016 10:36 AM GMT
    Wow, this sounds so familiar to me. My ex broke up with me after 3 months because...I was too nice and he got bored with me. And like you, he said he was no longer attracted to me. He broke my heart into a million pieces.

    Before him I had practically given up on men after dating countless losers. And like you, we never argued, never fought about anything, it was peaceful and I thought he could be the one. He is a registered nurse and I work in finance. Everything was perfect I thought....until he dropped that bomb on me. We spent practically every day together.

    It really pisses me off that there are men out here like you, who will let a good thing go just because... What? I honestly don't get it...It makes 0 sense to me.

    You will shatter him, you will hurt him and he will find it very hard to get close to another guy the way he is with you now. Congrats.