Why do I keep thinking these dirtbags are open to date when they're not?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 7:27 AM GMT
    I feel like such an dummy right now. And you know what, I'm taking the responsibility on some of it, but at the same time...some of these guys play some good game and act like they're about shit too.

    I just feel so stupid and annoyed right now. Basically, I met a guy last week..he hit me up first. we hit it off good, we even had a lot in common, something I normally fail to check before meeting someone. We have the same age, name, he's biracial...everything clicked. The only thing was although he's from the area, he lives cross country. But I told him, I'm only here temporarily...and Where he lives is a place I have considered moving because I've been there a couple times and liked it (The Bay). I basically just said lightly, without sounding pressuring or desperate, that I hope us keeping in touch like we are means we'll work out a way to see each other again.

    Well, we kept in touch by texts...and I'm giving the guy space, I know I can't expect everything in 1 week...but I already can tell he's not on the same page because he can't even respond to my texts about trying to meet again in the future. I bought it up because I'm tired of meeting guys, and then playing this text game for days and weeks or months on end, only to find out they don't even want to meet again or it was a one time thing and they aren't serious. Some guys will meet you once, and then text you forever knowing good and well they don't want to meet again. Even if you had sex and it was awesome. I had 2 guys out of town do that to me recently, for them to turn around and say they're involved with someone else when I returned to the area. Like, who the fuck gets involved with someone else that fast? I'm not getting involved with someone else that fast...so what the fuck? Lol. I don't even be going into situations immediately expecting boyfriends before I met them a few times, but thats just being sneaky and dramatic.

    I'm just so tired of falling for this kind of stuff. I'm not even mad at the guy in general. I don't think he's a dirtbag, but I think the actions tend to be dirtbag fillers. I'm just like, why can't I get this stuff right? I'm not out meeting any and everybody. I usually meet guys who hit me up first, because sometimes when I message guys first...,they play games or never get around to meeting. Sad but true, usually the person who makes the first move has the most to loose...but that's not to say one shouldn't still initiate contact. It's just that, if I had messaged these guys first....I could kinda expect some of the things they're doing because they didn't show interest first, so it's not like I can't expect them to be in it 100% right away.

    Just from a general perspective of things, this whole dating and meeting new people perspective is fun and all, and I'm meeting some really hot guys. Like, not to brag...but these guys I'm meeting are pretty fucking hot. But, I just get tired of stuff not going anywhere. And I know sometimes stuff shouldn't go anywhere with some people. I'm glad some of it DIDNT go anywhere. But, why the fuck can't I meet someone where it does go somewhere?

    I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight icon_cry.gif
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Mar 12, 2016 7:47 AM GMT
    Learn to weed out the 'it was a nice thought' approach to dating.

    A few dudes out there are pretty bored and keen on connecting somehow at one time or the other. So, they do, and you do, too!

    There is quite some geography in-between, and there are no real plans for an actual meet. So, the whole thing boils down to the text exchange. A week later, both dudes figure out that it was all a nice thought, but there is hardly any good in investing more time and energy into an open end scenario that may or very well may not happen at all. You have got your life to live, and well, the nice thought that once was, is just a nice thought.

    The same applies even to the guys you know in person, and you have met, hooked up with, etc. Even if both of you agreed that there was a huge connection, that the sex was awesome, etc., hardly anyone wants to live on memories alone. If you are coming into town next week, yeah, let's keep on talking. If you have no plans, and he has no plans, let's leave it where it is and focus on who is available locally.

    All of this may sound cynical. But this is how it really is...

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 7:58 AM GMT
    Great, now I'm even more hopeless.

    Lol, nah I'm kidding. It makes sense though. I mean I know how this stuff works. Long distance, tried to do that whole thing. But what are the odds? You meet the perfect guy, but distance becomes a factor. Which it really shouldn't, he's a flight attendant. That's what he told me, so I don't see how that could be an issue. Unless he's seeing someone else which most guys lie about as it is. This dating stuff is like the lottery. I've actually started playing the lottery because the odds of finding someone who I'll still be in a happy relationship with for more than 1 month from now seems about as hopeless as the odds of winning the lottery. I might as well invest my nice thoughts into a game of chance that pays lol.

    That said, $1 or $2 on lottery versus $10-20 on a date? With the way these hookup apps are set up nowadays, it's pretty much like you're playing the lottery. 1 in 1,000,000 profiles will be someone you still date for more than 6 months.

    Ok, I'm kidding about that too...but there's some truth to it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 8:26 AM GMT
    What a wonderful world this would be if anger and desperation were considered a turn on.
  • cemego

    Posts: 7

    Mar 12, 2016 8:27 PM GMT
    I've simply given up. I'm 45. I've been out since I was 20. I've pretty much known I was gay my whole life. I had a lover for 7 years that snapped from using prescription drugs, I had one for 3 years I got tired of supporting, and one that blamed me for giving him a disease I didn't have and still do not have.

    I'm done.

    I'll just be single and jerk off. I don't have time for risks and fickle hassles of dating gay men. They all just wanna fuck, leave their diseases behind, and move on. I don't have the time or energy for it anymore.

    I give up.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Mar 12, 2016 8:43 PM GMT
    cemego saidI've simply given up. I'm 45. I've been out since I was 20. I've pretty much known I was gay my whole life. I had a lover for 7 years that snapped from using prescription drugs, I had one for 3 years I got tired of supporting, and one that blamed me for giving him a disease I didn't have and still do not have.

    I'm done.

    I'll just be single and jerk off. I don't have time for risks and fickle hassles of dating gay men. They all just wanna fuck, leave their diseases behind, and move on. I don't have the time or energy for it anymore.

    I give up.


    I don't think you should give up. I don't think anyone should but in saying that, I know how hard it can be. Yeah, I'm younger and may have the naivety curtain pulled over me but I'd like to think not all Gay men are what you said.

    I don't have disease and I want more than just hooking up. I want to have something real and sincere. And if I'm like that, surely there are other gay men like that as well.

    I say just keep faith.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Mar 12, 2016 9:49 PM GMT
    Okay.
    Let's go over this again.

    1. If you couldn't bicycle to his house in 2 hours, he lives too far away.
    2. If he lives with his parents and over 20 NO.
    3. If he lives in a basement. No
    4. If he doesnt have a job. NO.
    5. If he is not from the town you live in, or hasn't lived there for 5+ years. NO.
    6. If he has not been in a relationship previously for >2 years NO.
    7. If he isnt friends with at least 2 ex's NO
    8. If he is not the right Top bottom Vers combination. NO.
    9. If he doesnt make within 25% of your pay. NO.
    10. If he is > +-(your age/eight) NO.
    11. If he isn't your (non-)/religion. NO.

    Treat love like a job interview. If you are not in the basics, no point of trying.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2016 10:18 PM GMT
    cemego saidI've simply given up. I'm 45. I've been out since I was 20. I've pretty much known I was gay my whole life. I had a lover for 7 years that snapped from using prescription drugs, I had one for 3 years I got tired of supporting, and one that blamed me for giving him a disease I didn't have and still do not have.

    I'm done.

    I'll just be single and jerk off. I don't have time for risks and fickle hassles of dating gay men. They all just wanna fuck, leave their diseases behind, and move on. I don't have the time or energy for it anymore.

    I give up.


    At what Age did you give up?

    It's true most gay guys only have sex on their mind, I don't know why "we" meaning "them" are wired that way. I can say though most of the guys I've come across whether on the phone app or at the club always seem like the dream man until after you have sex...actually, after you have sex and are more than 100 feet away from them. HMMPH

    Even not having sex is confusing because most times if a gay guy isn't having sex with you, you've been friendzoned and have to listen about all the dicks they've sucked or had up their ass. They think nothing of it, and think that's a form of conversation or bonding. Fuck that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 8:23 PM GMT
    Apparition saidOkay.
    Let's go over this again.

    1. If you couldn't bicycle to his house in 2 hours, he lives too far away.
    2. If he lives with his parents and over 20 NO.
    3. If he lives in a basement. No
    4. If he doesnt have a job. NO.
    5. If he is not from the town you live in, or hasn't lived there for 5+ years. NO.
    6. If he has not been in a relationship previously for >2 years NO.
    7. If he isnt friends with at least 2 ex's NO
    8. If he is not the right Top bottom Vers combination. NO.
    9. If he doesnt make within 25% of your pay. NO.
    10. If he is > +-(your age/eight) NO.
    11. If he isn't your (non-)/religion. NO.

    Treat love like a job interview. If you are not in the basics, no point of trying.

    Don;t ever pay attention to any of these banal rules. Make your own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 8:23 PM GMT
    Your criteria for selecting guys is fucked up. Date only local and no hookups just dates and you will weed out guys that aren't interested in a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 8:26 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidYour criteria for selecting guys is fucked up. Date only local and no hookups just dates and you will weed out guys that aren't interested in a relationship.

    This.
    Pure poetry.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2016 9:50 PM GMT
    Don't give up but be more realistic. I have never used the mobile apps but from what gay men say on this board they are useless most of the time for finding a relationship. The gay.com chat rooms used to work pretty well for that but they seem to be dead. I also think that the chances of clicking with someone who is geographically too far away from you is almost zero, so you should probably give up on that strategy. Stick closer to where you live.
  • FredMG

    Posts: 988

    Mar 14, 2016 12:15 AM GMT
    OP -

    I feel and share your pain. Dating sucks - I'm older and fatter than you are and it sucks for me too. All we can do is our best; for me it's go to the gym and keep working on becoming more "muscle" than "bear". 'Cause god knows even some of the bears I've dated, with adorably bigger tummies than mine don't find me their cup of tea.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2016 1:56 PM GMT
    Apparition saidOkay.
    Let's go over this again.

    1. If you couldn't bicycle to his house in 2 hours, he lives too far away.
    2. If he lives with his parents and over 20 NO.
    3. If he lives in a basement. No
    4. If he doesnt have a job. NO.
    5. If he is not from the town you live in, or hasn't lived there for 5+ years. NO.
    6. If he has not been in a relationship previously for >2 years NO.
    7. If he isnt friends with at least 2 ex's NO
    8. If he is not the right Top bottom Vers combination. NO.
    9. If he doesnt make within 25% of your pay. NO.
    10. If he is > +-(your age/eight) NO.
    11. If he isn't your (non-)/religion. NO.

    Treat love like a job interview. If you are not in the basics, no point of trying.


    Don't forget: if he isn't Caucasian: NO
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2016 2:01 PM GMT
    I am always fascinated by these woe woe stories of can't find a guy to date.
    Sometimes I wonder if Karma being a bitch, isn't giving some of you guys what you so very amply deserve.
    I oft wonder how many of you have done the very same things to guys that you are complaining of...
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Mar 16, 2016 7:04 PM GMT
    If a guy is interested in you, just like when we're interested in cars, or sports, we ask questions, such as where did you grow up? Do you see your family much (that one's a biggie, especially anything to do with the mother). If you - or he - aren't asking these questions, maybe it's simply a superficial attraction and not heading towards something deeper.

    A friend, who's a therapist, once said the worst thing a person can do when they start liking someone is to stop being critical (i.e. ASKING QUESTIONS). And she's right. Just because you want to be turned on by what your eyes like does not mean you should turn your brain and critical faculties off, especially if you don't know someone, or as I put it:

    "If we wouldn't open our door to a complete stranger, why are we so quick to give our hearts away to one?"

    Sometimes people are so caught up in the exterior that they don't think to inquire about other relationships - which you really should. You learn everything you need when you find out if they like their father (if they don't, they have "daddy issues," which, for us gay men, is an issue, since we are attracted to other men - so any guy you meet, if you have daddy issues? He's going to be the standin for your father and whatever issues you have with dad will inevitably comes out in the relationship with him. Mom? If you love her, that's FANTASTIC. If you don't…emotional shutdown/depression.

    The only way to avoid dating the wrong guy is to ask the right questions. Period. You ain't gonna learn thru osmosis. And there are many websites that tell you how to go about asking the right questions. Sure saves people from the alternative: a broken heart, and eventually, bitterness (masquerading as jadedness). Other people don't make us bitter: our refusal to learn how to see people correctly is what leads us to that. We do it to ourselves. We can't blame anyone else for that if we're 35 and still repeating the same dysfunctional behavior patterns.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Mar 16, 2016 7:07 PM GMT
    And giving up on Love is like saying, I didn't really believe in love. You wouldn't let someone take away your money, why do you let them take away something much more precious? Its like saying you didn't truly believe in Love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2016 1:08 PM GMT
    I feel the same way about the "men" here in Kansas City; when it's said & done, I say, let other gay men do what they do best--themselves! Because when you look at it, it is all about the thrill of the chase! This city has more than its fair share of junkie monkeys, users, moochers, players and slicksters with all kinds of fucked up attitudes, per capita. Some guys get a kick out of watching others chase them, then, there are some guys who are just self-serving assholes, period, because that's all they know. When you become a well-put together kind of guy who is no longer interested in partnering up, then all of a sudden, they decide to show interest thinking they can snag said, unavailable man. Now that I think about it, I am a 34 year old man who lives by himself and I've come to accept the fact that I may be living alone for the rest of my life; I'd rather live alone, than crawl up behind some insecure, self-serving, two-timing player!

    I've a life to live and I'm not willing to sit around, wait & count the days, complaining about not having a bf, partner or "husband"...

    #IDeserveBetter
    #NotAnOptionFor2016
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2016 1:32 PM GMT
    bon_pan saidWhat a wonderful world this would be if anger and desperation were considered a turn on.

    +1
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Mar 22, 2016 3:46 AM GMT
    cemego saidI've simply given up. I'm 45. I've been out since I was 20. I've pretty much known I was gay my whole life. I had a lover for 7 years that snapped from using prescription drugs, I had one for 3 years I got tired of supporting, and one that blamed me for giving him a disease I didn't have and still do not have.

    I'm done.

    I'll just be single and jerk off. I don't have time for risks and fickle hassles of dating gay men. They all just wanna fuck, leave their diseases behind, and move on. I don't have the time or energy for it anymore.

    I give up.


    You're my hero! I'm right there with ya and have only been out 5 years. Wish I could go back in. I'm ready to try girls and I came to visit the sub after being away for a bit...the depths of loneliness/frustration is the only thing that motivates me to come checkout this place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2016 7:10 AM GMT
    Blondizgd saidI am always fascinated by these woe woe stories of can't find a guy to date.
    Sometimes I wonder if Karma being a bitch, isn't giving some of you guys what you so very amply deserve.
    I oft wonder how many of you have done the very same things to guys that you are complaining of...


    mcbrion said And giving up on Love is like saying, I didn't really believe in love. You wouldn't let someone take away your money, why do you let them take away something much more precious? Its like saying you didn't truly believe in Love.


    W8n2Xhale saidI feel the same way about the "men" here in Kansas City;

    I've a life to live and I'm not willing to sit around, wait & count the days, complaining about not having a bf, partner or "husband"...

    #IDeserveBetter
    #NotAnOptionFor2016


    OK...I'm going to try to answer everyone's post at once. So thanks for putting some input.

    IDK, I don;t know where to start. Ok First...In the initial post I talked about the guy who lives across country but grew up where I recently moved to. We're still chatting. Which is good. Like McBrion said, I've asked the questions. A couple times it got kinda deep and intense. Some guys...actually, MOST guys who aren't about shit whatsoever would have stopped responding at a certain point. But...I feel from him and from what he's told me, I think he wants a relationship with me (we also talked about this in person, and his view about "open-relationships" were on the topic also. He ain't for it). However...I don't think he can make the accommodations for it yet. I think he's going thru a lot, but he's not saying it in a bitchy, uninterested way where you can tell a person just trying to blow you off. I think he might be concerned about the distance. But that can be fixed. I'm trying to find a city I like better...I don't even have a place I'm calling home right now. So I'm just being 100% love and kind and he's doing the same. So far, I haven't had to curse him out or tell him to F off. So I'm going to be patient...

    As far as "karma"? Lemme just say...I always let people know where I stand with them. And I never stop talking to someone without closure. Cause I know how it feels. Just the other day, I met a guy who I was like, UGH UH. He was not my type. I was nice, but before I invited him over after drinks (I felt I owed him a bit more 1 on 1 time at my place) I told him no freaky stuff and then after he left I said I'm trying to slow down and not hookup with anyone until I have time to assess the situation.

    I just think in general though...I don't even know what kind of society we live in right now. People can down the hookup apps all you want, but for some of us that's the only other way to connect with people. I go out all the time, I go to the gym every other day, at the store, etc. I never meet anyone. I'm not a Female. I'm a BLACK MALE...the most feared of all races next to Middle Eastern...and even then, barely. And I say that not from a personal level but on an intimidation factor just out in random. So the opportunity to meet someone randomly out and about in the average White-dominated American city is worst than the odds of winning the MEGAMILLIONS lottery: The population of United States is 321,605,012 people (2015 est.) And the odds may be similar to a few plays in the lottery. People want to doubt the odds of the lottery, well why don't you count the odds of the sperm I'm swallowing tonight will be the same sperm I'm swallowing 5 years from now. Exactly.

    So...I will continue playing the lottery...and I will see which one I find faster: being a millionaire or being happily in a relationship for atleast 5 years. Let the games begin lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2016 7:21 AM GMT
    ...I will say also, the good news is over the years I'm learning the type of guys to not expect much from. some include:


    1. anyone from adam4adam

    2. anyone from scruff

    3. 95% of guys over 40 but under 55 (the ones over 50 seem to actually appreciate a younger guy). Most of these 40s guys aren't trying to date a younger guy. They just need some validation that they can still FUCK one.

    4. anyone who's ONLY into black guys but aren't black themselves

    5. Anyone who uses drugs more than once a year, including pot
    but not limited to pot. Unless you live in Denver, and I don't fuck with them either

    6. Excessive tattoos (cute and sexy...but also says: I'm so into myself, or "I need this to make up for my hate of my body")


    NOW, I'm not saying ALL the above should be avoided. BUT, the more of those traits they have, the more trouble you're asking ...I've foolishly dated all those types...and few of them are relationship or date material. You may meet them 3 or 4 times which leaves you thinking they're relationship material...but maybe for someone like them who's into those things. Some people don't need to date the rainbow, they need to only date people like them because in reality they really want to be with themselves. They won't be satisfied with someone who brings something different to the table. All those types are new toy syndrome type. They're always looking for the next best thing and are never satisfied.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2016 7:01 PM GMT
    Back when I was single I made sure my "headline" on my profile was crystal clear I was relationship oriented and not interested in hookups. I would only go on dates with guys who had selected the "relationship" option or who (if they hadn't and were persistent about going on a date) said in communication that they were also relationship-oriented.

    Even with those fail-safes I had several guys suddenly tell me after a few dates "I'm just looking for fun, I'm not looking to date." One guy explained that he thought he was over his ex and was ready to date, but he realized he needed more time and just wanted hookups. One guy explained that he had never really been into dating/relationships before but figured he would give it a shot but realized it wasn't for him.

    Unfortunately you can never be certain, despite what a profile or the guy himself says. But if you don't keep trying, you'll never find the right one for you.