Does an open relationship reduce the urge to be with other men?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2016 2:58 AM GMT
    Does the freedom of knowing you can have sex with any guy you want make other men less appealing?
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    Mar 15, 2016 3:01 AM GMT
    no
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Mar 15, 2016 7:54 AM GMT
    Nope. You perceive attraction as you always do. A dude will be attractive or not to you based on how you personally perceive male attractiveness regardless of your relationship status.

    Open relationship may reduce the 'forbidden fruit' effect on some men, though.

    SC
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    Mar 15, 2016 10:11 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI've been in an open relationship for one of the two years that I've been with my current partner. If fact, today is our two year anniversary. icon_razz.gif

    I think everyone is different. My partner and I went eight months without playing with others. That eight months just ended very recently. We are not super eager to go and find other "side dishes" as frequently as possible.

    We're very honest about what we do, when we do it, with whom we do it with and answer each other's questions truthfully if there are any.

    To answer the OP's question from my perspective, I think the freedom we both allow each other helps decrease my need to seek out others to some degree. I would actually prefer to have a small handful of regular fuckbuds whom I can trust and don't have to worry about contracting STI's from.


    This is interesting. I might email you to ask more specific questions. I just started reading a book called "The Open Relationship Handbook" that was recommended.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Mar 15, 2016 10:34 PM GMT
    how healthy r open relationships (question for ppl who've been in them) compare to just cheating..not judging ppl that r in an open situation?
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    Mar 15, 2016 10:59 PM GMT
    Nhlakz saidhow healthy r open relationships (question for ppl who've been in them) compare to just cheating..not judging ppl that r in an open situation?


    HEYY! Get your own thread! Just kidding.
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    Mar 16, 2016 4:58 AM GMT
    One4u2c saidSome people will always find ways to justify their immoral behavior.

    Please define immoral behavior. In an open relationship, both partners permit having sex with others. Under the circumstances they decide.
    I'm not sure what's immoral about a mutually consensual arrangement. Please explain your opinion.
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    Mar 16, 2016 1:52 PM GMT
    No, it doesn't, BUT it makes cheating less appealing. BTW, I would rather have an open relationship than be cheated on--and we know that many gay guys WILL cheat when presented with the right opportunity and if they know that they can get away with it. Let's not kid ourselves.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Mar 16, 2016 7:07 PM GMT
    so ppl r saying ppl in open situations r commitment phobs..aaaii....and to ppl who r in in open situations...how do u fell if ur partner of many years does not agree to it..and its just something that u into....i'd to know more about these topic.
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    Mar 16, 2016 7:19 PM GMT
    I have a long term relationship with LingLang, an asian illegal who does not speak much english. On our first date, as I do on all first dates, I explain that I never expect any many to be monogamous and it would be wise for him/them to feel the same.

    The reason why some men choose to be monogamous is either insecurity or lack of options. I have never met a decent, healthy, handsome man who is truly monogamous. I have met boring men, or obese men, or just tedious men who claim to be monogamous, but even then I'm fairly sure that given the option they would all jump at the chance. Their problem is no one is willing.

    Honesty is the best policy in all of life.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Mar 16, 2016 7:44 PM GMT
    You never met a decent, healthy guy who's monogamous? Wow. I know quite a few, including myself. And insecurity in relationships has never been an issue for me. I don't love out of fear: I already HAVE Love and I share it. Insecurity comes from thinking you don't have enough of something and if you have to share it, you'll have less of it for yourself. Don't you even know this? If you don't, I don't envy your emotional future.

    I would posit the opposite: people who had childhoods without tactile demonstrations of love (i.e. hugs and kisses), or came from broken home (divorce, abuse) are the least likely to trust in giving their heart to one person and believing it will be cherished by that person. My father came into our bedrooms and hugged and kissed me, my brother and my sister every night until I was 14. And then when we moved into the 'burbs and the setup was different, I would go into the room and kiss him and my mother goodnight until I was 16 or 17. A lack of demonstrativeness was not even a remote thought in my childhood.

    Monogamy is tied to trust. The less trust you have, the less likely you are to believe in monogamy. I don't know anyone who has a dog that doesn't love them unreservedly. Do you ever worry that your dog will attach him/herself to someone else? I doubt that. You trust the dog. It's just people you don't trust. So the issue lies in us, and the nature vs. nurture argument. From my years of counseling people, I saw people who could have open relationships, but I also found some people are unable to feel safe in an intimate relationship, so they -in their head - split the emotional functions up like this:

    People I'm hot for, I don't feel safe with.

    OR

    People I feel safe with, I'm not hot for. It's called a "split." Not the split associated with borderline or narcissistic personalities. Just a protection mechanism. In straight men, it's called The Whore Vs. The Madonna Complex. They marry the pure virginal woman, because she's "safe" but they desire the Whore, who will be wild in bed. But they can't reconcile both parts, so they marry the safe one so if she leaves them, they won't be truly hurt, because they were never completely "hers" (the lack of passionate desire towards her). You are less likely to be completely hurt if you are not truly in love (meaning both desire and romantic feelings), although if you're always worrying about being hurt, love is more a concept than something one understands. Kahlil Gibran said Love and Fear do not live well in the same vessel. The thing is, the other person, who might be quite healthy, eventually realizes you are incapable of being both in love and hot for him and then HE splits. Literally. As in, bye-bye for you. So you get hurt anyway, but you don't see that you caused it. Of course, one can be non-monogamous and have that happen, too, but I'm talking about your statement, which, frankly, I find mind-boggling. I guess, to use an example, Ronald Reagan and Nancy were just faking it all their life. I'm no fan of Reagan, but I could see that they were a devoted couple, and living in Hollywood, there was never even a peep of him being unfaithful to her. Not one. So in your mind, they're "unhealthy." I'd look into the mirror of my mind a lot deeper, were I you.

    But, not to be outdone, gay men do it too. Same defense mechanism, but they don't always recognize it. One of my two lovers had it, and when I realized what was happening and ended the marriage, it threw him for a loop. However, we were running a large business together, so the option of disappearing wasn't an option. Nor did I need to do that. I'm trained in psychology, and I saw what he was doing, although it took me a year to figure it out. After the breakup, and as time passed, when he realized my loving him wasn't dependent on "being his lover" and that the love was still there regardless of whether or not we were lovers, AND that I was not going to walk out of his life, AND that the way I behaved towards him was exactly the same as I did when we were lovers, (our gay employees would say to me, "you two are still married" - even though I knew they were just seeing genuine love without bitterness or regret), he fell back in love with me, (a year or two later) but it was too late. I knew he'd just repeat the pattern (even though I insisted we do therapy around it, which I knew was destined to fail the moment the therapist asked "what's the problem," and he replied, "Oh, I don't have a problem: Glen has the problem" and I knew the therapist saw instantly was was going on). And while I still loved him with my whole heart, I no longer looked at him as a love interest. It was actually more beautiful after I stopped being his lover.

    So you can see why I completely disagree with your contention.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Mar 16, 2016 9:03 PM GMT
    Thank you McBrion, for the fascinating post! In my opinion, it's filled with very valuable insights! As you say, I think trust really is key here. Overcoming the hot/safe dichotomy is something I never thought of, but now that you mention it, it seems so obvious. I got to keep that in mind in the future.

    I've known quite a few monogamous couples or men with monogamous expectations (who got cheated on and ended their relationships). In my former relationship of 5+ years, I was monogamous the whole time and had no problem with it. The relationship broke down for other reasons. After about around nine months in the beginning, the monogamy thing became something I didn't even think about. Of course I'd be physically attracted to other men sometimes, but it never became more than that.

    I think it's possible that people who lacked intimacy and trust as children can still cultivate those with a partner later in life. How, though, would be difficult for me to say, though... I'm a bit out of my depth on that one.







  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2016 9:23 PM GMT
    mcbrion saidYou never met a decent, healthy guy who's monogamous? Wow. I know quite a few, including myself. And insecurity in relationships has never been an issue for me. I don't love out of fear: I already HAVE Love and I share it. Insecurity comes from thinking you don't have enough of something and if you have to share it, you'll have less of it for yourself. Don't you even know this? If you don't, I don't envy your emotional future.

    I would posit the opposite: people who had childhoods without tactile demonstrations of love (i.e. hugs and kisses), or came from broken home (divorce, abuse) are the least likely to trust in giving their heart to one person and believing it will be cherished by that person. My father came into our bedrooms and hugged and kissed me, my brother and my sister every night until I was 14. And then when we moved into the 'burbs and the setup was different, I would go into the room and kiss him and my mother goodnight until I was 16 or 17. A lack of demonstrativeness was not even a remote thought in my childhood.

    Monogamy is tied to trust. The less trust you have, the less likely you are to believe in monogamy. I don't know anyone who has a dog that doesn't love them unreservedly. Do you ever worry that your dog will attach him/herself to someone else? I doubt that. You trust the dog. It's just people you don't trust. So the issue lies in us, and the nature vs. nurture argument. From my years of counseling people, I saw people who could have open relationships, but I also found some people are unable to feel safe in an intimate relationship, so they -in their head - split the emotional functions up like this:

    People I'm hot for, I don't feel safe with.

    OR

    People I feel safe with, I'm not hot for. It's called a "split." Not the split associated with borderline or narcissistic personalities. Just a protection mechanism. In straight men, it's called The Whore Vs. The Madonna Complex. They marry the pure virginal woman, because she's "safe" but they desire the Whore, who will be wild in bed. But they can't reconcile both parts, so they marry the safe one so if she leaves them, they won't be truly hurt, because they were never completely "hers" (the lack of passionate desire towards her). You are less likely to be completely hurt if you are not truly in love (meaning both desire and romantic feelings), although if you're always worrying about being hurt, love is more a concept than something one understands. Kahlil Gibran said Love and Fear do not live well in the same vessel. The thing is, the other person, who might be quite healthy, eventually realizes you are incapable of being both in love and hot for him and then HE splits. Literally. As in, bye-bye for you. So you get hurt anyway, but you don't see that you caused it. Of course, one can be non-monogamous and have that happen, too, but I'm talking about your statement, which, frankly, I find mind-boggling. I guess, to use an example, Ronald Reagan and Nancy were just faking it all their life. I'm no fan of Reagan, but I could see that they were a devoted couple, and living in Hollywood, there was never even a peep of him being unfaithful to her. Not one. So in your mind, they're "unhealthy." I'd look into the mirror of my mind a lot deeper, were I you.

    But, not to be outdone, gay men do it too. Same defense mechanism, but they don't always recognize it. One of my two lovers had it, and when I realized what was happening and ended the marriage, it threw him for a loop. However, we were running a large business together, so the option of disappearing wasn't an option. Nor did I need to do that. I'm trained in psychology, and I saw what he was doing, although it took me a year to figure it out. After the breakup, and as time passed, when he realized my loving him wasn't dependent on "being his lover" and that the love was still there regardless of whether or not we were lovers, AND that I was not going to walk out of his life, AND that the way I behaved towards him was exactly the same as I did when we were lovers, (our gay employees would say to me, "you two are still married" - even though I knew they were just seeing genuine love without bitterness or regret), he fell back in love with me, (a year or two later) but it was too late. I knew he'd just repeat the pattern (even though I insisted we do therapy around it, which I knew was destined to fail the moment the therapist asked "what's the problem," and he replied, "Oh, I don't have a problem: Glen has the problem" and I knew the therapist saw instantly was was going on). And while I still loved him with my whole heart, I no longer looked at him as a love interest. It was actually more beautiful after I stopped being his lover.

    So you can see why I completely disagree with your contention.


    The tone in the first paragraph is so condescending and has such a negative tone, I stopped reading my man. I'm sure you make excellent points (that I might agree with) but who wants to read something that starts off so hateful. I am totally into monogamy and don't have an open bone in my body. But I have met many great guys who feel that monogamy doesn't fit them and this was a post to ask guys specifically about their experience without the usual RJ shame. If you want people to accept or even consider your opinions, try answering questions in a more humble, consumable tone.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Mar 16, 2016 10:46 PM GMT
    These topic seem very sensitive to some member..His reposnse comes from the other guy claiming that ppl who don't engage inopen relationships r "boring,obese and other not so nice thing"...monogomy is a beautiful thing..chasing after every dick,tom and harry aint for everyone.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Mar 16, 2016 11:55 PM GMT
    I don't want to quote the whole thing, but, OP, I think McBrion's first paragraph is as it is because the post he's responding to is actually rather harsh itself (There's a big list of derogatory adjectives in there!).

  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Mar 17, 2016 6:34 AM GMT
    woodfordr, I've been reading these forums for over a year. And during that time, I've always found you to be one of the nicest and decent posters here. But I think you totally missed the mark on mcbrion's post. The post he was responding to was the truly negative and condescending one.

    I urge you to re-read smartmoney's post and then take the time to read mcbrion's response.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2016 3:52 AM GMT
    lmao


    Z1Oqe5z.jpg

    https://youtu.be/Afb-nWeKakg?t=9m11s
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2016 1:31 AM GMT
    For myself, I like having the option and by having it I find it easier to say no. I guess since it isn't forbidden fruit it isn't as desirable.

  • Hypertrophile

    Posts: 1021

    Mar 23, 2016 2:04 AM GMT
    woodfordr saidDoes the freedom of knowing you can have sex with any guy you want make other men less appealing?


    It makes the guy I'm with less appealing.
  • Hypertrophile

    Posts: 1021

    Mar 23, 2016 2:11 AM GMT
    smartmoney saidI have a long term relationship with LingLang, an asian illegal who does not speak much english. On our first date, as I do on all first dates, I explain that I never expect any many to be monogamous and it would be wise for him/them to feel the same.

    The reason why some men choose to be monogamous is either insecurity or lack of options. I have never met a decent, healthy, handsome man who is truly monogamous. I have met boring men, or obese men, or just tedious men who claim to be monogamous, but even then I'm fairly sure that given the option they would all jump at the chance. Their problem is no one is willing.

    Honesty is the best policy in all of life.


    Well, I'm not handsome, but not insecure. I'm decent and healthy. I can't be sure if I'm not boring, but I don't think I'm tedious, and I'm definitely not obese.

    I am monogamous when in a relationship, though there's no doubt that I still respond physically when I see a hot man, even if he isn't my boyfriend. I just wouldn't act on it. It's not my nature.

    Honesty is indeed the best policy with me. I realized that my last boyfriend had a casual relationship with the truth when I saw him lie to his best friend and his best friends husband, who also happened to be the owners of the home in which he lived. After that, I had completely lost interest. Once we had broken up, I learned about the lies he had been telling me. Sometimes I question my own ability to judge someone's character.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2016 3:34 AM GMT
    Allen saidwoodfordr, I've been reading these forums for over a year. And during that time, I've always found you to be one of the nicest and decent posters here. But I think you totally missed the mark on mcbrion's post. The post he was responding to was the truly negative and condescending one.

    I urge you to re-read smartmoney's post and then take the time to read mcbrion's response.



    Ohh Crap! I'm glad you and others pointed it out. I have Smartmoney ignored so I don't see his posts. Since I didn't see the quote, I thought MCBrion was responding to me. VERY, VERY sorry. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Mar 23, 2016 6:23 AM GMT
    Don't give it a second thought, man. I got your private message, and I understand how you could have seen that. Actually, I'm so eager to share what I know of human conditions now that I no longer do it in my field of work, that it can come off less as sheer information than as rudeness, so I have to watch out for that. But from the short time I've been on here, you've always seemed thoughtful and contemplative, so - at worst - I would have thought, gee I wasn't trying to make him feel bad. I'll have to be more careful about how I write things.
    No hurt feelings whatsoever, my brother. I'm glad you wrote me. That took guts - and honor.

    Glen


  • you_know_Its_...

    Posts: 260

    Mar 23, 2016 5:11 PM GMT
    hentailover saidlmao


    Z1Oqe5z.jpg

    https://youtu.be/Afb-nWeKakg?t=9m11s


    Haha his body language is so on point
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2016 5:50 PM GMT
    mcbrion said:
    People I'm hot for, I don't feel safe with.

    OR

    People I feel safe with, I'm not hot for. It's called a "split." Not the split associated with borderline or narcissistic personalities. Just a protection mechanism. In straight men, it's called The Whore Vs. The Madonna Complex. look into the mirror of my mind a lot deeper, were I you.


    Wow, that is so true. You truly understand the concept.

    ...that said, my opinion about open relationships...it just depends on how you go about it. Some people lie, some people hide behind it as an excuse to be a sleazy ass mother fucker. Some people are honest and play together or only do it on vacation or bathhouses. Just because you're in a open relationship and can have sex with any guy you want.(how Woodfordr describes is what gives open relationships a bad name, because that shows a lack of respect for guys who may not be into open relationships or hooking up with guys who are into open relationships.)

    Who is any guy you want? Would that anyone happen to be someone I'm out at the club with on a first or second date, or my best friend I just introduced you to 5 minutes ago? Am I going to worry about introducing a guy in a open relationship to my partner or best friend...for fear they may end up in the bathroom together 5 minutes later? Or maybe a random stranger during gay pride right in front of my face?

    See THAT'S the problem I have with open relationships and why I don't fuck with those who are in em...unless there's money involved. That's what married men do. They don't do find open relationships with other women so easily. They hire escorts. Doesn't come free. But A lot of guys do it without tact. There's a time and place. Some people in open relationships don't respect others relationships because their philosophy is monogamy isn't for them, so neither shall it be for anyone else.

    On the other hand, I can respect an open relationship where the 2 disclose the situation up front. I personally find polygamous relationships a bit more understandable...but I've also met polygamous open relationships. No, y'all bitches just roommates who fuck lol.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Mar 24, 2016 1:37 AM GMT
    woodfordr said
    Allen saidwoodfordr, I've been reading these forums for over a year. And during that time, I've always found you to be one of the nicest and decent posters here. But I think you totally missed the mark on mcbrion's post. The post he was responding to was the truly negative and condescending one.

    I urge you to re-read smartmoney's post and then take the time to read mcbrion's response.



    Ohh Crap! I'm glad you and others pointed it out. I have Smartmoney ignored so I don't see his posts. Since I didn't see the quote, I thought MCBrion was responding to me. VERY, VERY sorry. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.


    You're one of the few class acts on this board. So don't ever leave.