Appearance, too big of a factor?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2009 8:21 AM GMT
    Forgive me for saying this, but it seems like... people in the gay community put too much weight on someone's appearance when deciding if they'd want to date them or not. There are people who solely like slim guys, or muscular guys, or bigger guys, etc etc.

    Whenever I look on dating websites, profiles usually say "looking for a bear" or chaser or daddy and stuff like that; seems like they're solely judging a person based on their appearance.

    I, too, personally have a huge preference towards older, bigger guys (for whatever reason), but it just makes me feel like a bad person sometimes. I'm essentially kicking out a bunch of guys from my dating circle, just because they're not old enough, or chubby enough, or muscular enough.

    I keep thinking to myself: If I were in a relationship with a cute chubby bear, and then he decided to shave and slim down and everything, would I still be attracted to him? Or, if I didn't want to date a guy because he was too slim for my liking, and then he worked out and ate a lot and turned into a bear, would I date him?

    It just feels so... wrong. I understand that one's appearance is part of attraction, but it shouldn't outweigh everything else that makes up a person, right?

    I've never had a boyfriend, but I imagine that if I were to have one, I'd refuse to date anyone that isn't a bear. icon_neutral.gif I suppose I'm contradicting myself here, but... I guess I'm confused.
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    Feb 08, 2009 4:32 PM GMT
    It's just simple biology. Men are visually-oriented. Their main sexual stimulus is the way a person looks. Dating is basically about sex. It's what separates romantic partners from friends. Sucks, but that's the way it just is.
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    Feb 08, 2009 4:44 PM GMT
    I suspect you're either very lazy, very poor, or not very decent looking because you've failed to complete a single portion of your profile, and you've failed to post even a single picture.

    I also suspect that low self-esteem is your reason for doing so. That's something you'll need to work through on your own.

    In men, attraction is more physical, and, in women, attraction is more upon resources / relationships. It's been studied to death and it comes from the most basic parts of our brains.

    When you see someone that takes good care of themselves; that takes time to spend attention to detail; that has discipline to work out, it speaks volumes about them, without them ever having to open their mouths.

    You're on the site Real Jock, that implies athletics, fitness, self-care, and the sort of person who is disciplined, focused, confident, and goal-driven. That's the case with most successful athletes, and, it's also the case with most successful people.

    I'm not going to explain my thinking on this a whole lot further, but, I'd like you to sit and think for a bit. Isn't anything worth doing worth doing well? You get to look at my pictures, my profile, etc,, and think what you want. I've taken the taken to present myself according to the customs of the site, and I've been respectful of the others by providing the profile and so on.

    The message you send is that you're to important, to under-confident, or to lazy, or even, perhaps, to dumb, to upload a picture and enter your profile.

    An athlete doesn't go into competition unprepared. They do everything pre-game to insure their success.

    You've failed miserably.

    Perhaps you're resenting folks with a work ethic that do take the time to do the pictures, the profile, to workout, to watch what they eat.

    Success is often by design.

    If I see a fat person who is to lazy to post pictures or complete a profile, it's a major turnoff from so many different viewpoints.

    Your rude, take,take,take approach is extremely unbecoming. It's like you showed up to the game unprepared, out of uniform, and complaining to boot.

    After all, anything worth doing should be worth doing well, unless you like being first loser.
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    Feb 08, 2009 4:54 PM GMT


    Hey pillow, What you could do as an awareness exercise is date someone who is unappealing to you physically and see what happens. Be careful not to lead this person on - just a couple of casual dates.


    You may find that going out with guys that physically appeal to you is a lot kinder to others than the above suggestion.


    -Doug
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    Feb 08, 2009 5:04 PM GMT
    With regard to initial and ongoing attraction, I concur. However, if you see someone who is fat, smokes, and looks like shit, almost certainly, they aren't the sort of person who I would be compatible with in the long, or short, term. Various interests, lifestyles, and a clash of viewpoints. Appearance is key.

    If folks wanted slobs, Chris (the owner), would make a site called Real Slobs, but, that's NOT what folks are attracted to, and, likely, a Real Slobs site wouldn't be a business model for financial or traffic success.

    Clearly, there are folks who visit Real Jock that are anything but that, and are here for the eye candy, and a few for learning, but, also, some for a sniff of the confidence, self-esteem, and belief in accomplishment / goal setting that a Real Jock does.

    It's nearly impossible to be an athlete of any caliber and be really unattractive.

    We get accustomed to a person's physical appearance after a while, and, as a relationship develops we see beyond that, but, it's still there.

    If someone smells like an ashtray, or looks like crap, I'm generally not going to take an interest in them besides maybe a bit of conversation. That being said, I'm not on here for finding a partner, nor a date, unless it came jumping out at me.

    In the two years I've been on this site, I can count on one hand the number of times I received commentary about my intellect. I can count below my hand and toes the number of times I received commentary regarding my views. You know how many hot lists adds I get though? LOL.

    Physical attraction is a very primal thing. It just is.

    I constantly get adoration, or "I like you, I think you're hot, and therefore you should like me" which is a huge annoyance.

    Some of that is the adolescent brain. Some of it is bad behavior. Some of that is primal.

    If a person wants folks attracted to slobs, Real Jock probably isn't the place to go, I'm thinking. Perhaps, realslobs.com would be a better choice for those sorts.
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    Feb 08, 2009 6:20 PM GMT
    You're attracted to what you're attracted to, you can't change that. I've learned that since I've been single again. Believe me I struggled with the idea for awhile whether or not I was being "too picky" and being down on myself for not being attracted to the guys who would come up to me in the gym and ask me out or try to start a conversation to that end. Why am I not attracted to this guy? He seems to have his shit together and is a nice guy, why doesn't he turn me on? Things like that. Then you get the attitude from people who you're not attracted to and they find out what you "type" is and they get all judgemental and offended. Maybe I'll be single for the rest of my life but like Ayltws says, there has to be something more than physical attraction there in the long term for things to work but they aren't going to work either if you aren't physcially attracted to the person. You can't have one and not the other.

    So don't feel you are limiting yourself or you're "bad" because you find a certain type of guy attractive. How would we narrow things down if we could be attracted to just anybody. It might make things easier and less frustrating than trying to find someone who has all the qualities you look for and feels the same toward you but in the end it's worth it!
  • calibro

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    Feb 08, 2009 6:56 PM GMT
    There's a reason it's called love at first sight, and that's because 99 percent of the time that is our first reaction to a person. I mean, do you look at someone and say, "Gee, I bet he has a great set of morals, maxes out his IRA annually, and rescues puppies!" No, you see some and you either do or don't have the hots for them.

    I have my own preferences, like everyone else. I like white guys who are in shape. Does that make me racist? No, cause I don't date white girls either icon_wink.gif Discriminating on looks, fitness, ethnicity, race, gender, etc... is all apart of the game. If you wouldn't give yourself grief for liking guys over girls, why would you do so for liking muscled guys?

    There's a difference between liking someone and being friends with them. It's one thing to say I don't want to sleep with a chubby bear. It's quite another to be an asshole and not even speak to one because all you care about is banging a hot guy. As long as you can separate your feelings of attractions from your social life, and don't allow those prejudices to interfere with your ability to interact with people in a friendly way, I think you're fine.
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    Feb 08, 2009 7:00 PM GMT
    That's it exactly.

    The whole "I like you, therefore you must like me, because we're both gay" is a crock of crap.
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    Feb 08, 2009 9:45 PM GMT
    [quote]Dating is basically about sex? Really? I would disagree, and say that YOU are probably just about sex, and that's the way YOU are. No one else has to subscribe to that mindset in their relationships but you.[/quote]


    Thank YOU for completely judging me and summing me up in one little sentence. A person you've never even met, by the way. I am not all about sex. Dating is. You date romantic partners. What separates romantic relationships from familial relationships or friendships? SEX. Sexual intimacy. Physical attraction. I was just stating a basic fact. Not sure where your vitriol is coming from.
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    Feb 08, 2009 9:58 PM GMT
    Can you have a romantic relationship without sex?
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    Feb 08, 2009 9:59 PM GMT

    It's all about the innate desire to pro-create, wanting pretty offsprings --until it downs on them that they can't get pregnant with each others' child naturally. icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 08, 2009 10:00 PM GMT
    StudinTranslation saidCan you have a romantic relationship without sex?


    I am stealing this thought! hahahahah icon_lol.gif
  • calibro

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    Feb 08, 2009 10:03 PM GMT
    In response to Metafor's response:

    As much as I appreciate a thorough critique of my posting, as if they were Tom Clancy novels, I do think you're being a bit overly critical/hostile for no reason (aside from missing the point).

    Not only do I think it's incorrect to state it's juvenile to be attracted to someone by looks, but also I think you missed the point of that comment. First, it was loaded with sarcasm (something you missed a lot of so you might want to fix that tone module on your computer). Secondly, I only meant to say attraction is firstly based on looks. Of course personality, substance, and all that jazz are vital in terms of liking a person. But you can't really know those things off the bat. What you can usually tell is if you're physically attracted, and when you are, at least in my experience, I pursue it from there to discover those other things.

    Next, yes, being white and being gay are the same. I didn't choose either. I also didn't choose to like white guys as I didn't choose to like men. It's just innate. Sure, society has a role in whom we find attractive, but keep in mind, studies also suggest homosexuality is both genetic and conditioned, which explains why you can have identical twins with one being gay and one straight. I didn't choose the circumstances that made me like guys and more than the ones that define my attraction.

    And finally, you should seriously stop generalizing. To call it b.s. that I am friends with gay men I don't find attractive (by my own standards) to date is ludicrous. I have many gay friends of all ages, races, age demographics, and body forms. Just because a lot of the world might not follow suit, doesn't mean you can just conclude facts for everyone. So thanks for sharing your opinion, but I ask that you simply respond to my comments next time as opposed to my character.

    And P.S., I haven't had sex in quite some time, by choice, so please don't assume that's what I seek in a relationship.
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    Feb 08, 2009 10:26 PM GMT
    Just something I ready.

    Guys are in fact more visually interested. Guys are to the point where we can have sex with someone based on seeing them. Women need to feel a bond, a connection, for an equal attraction. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule like this one.

    But I was thinking this might have a double effect in the gay community. Both members can be interested based on looks and this can lead to faults such as ignoring personality for a time.

    I've no real experience on the matter, so what I'm saying is just a novel theory.
  • calibro

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    Feb 08, 2009 10:39 PM GMT
    metafor said


    I stand by what I said in that it is complete bs. I really don't care how you try to defend yourself, and I am certainly not surprised by your petty attempts to do. People such as yourself are all cut from the same fabric, and I don't have to dig very deep to figure that out. It's revealed in everything you say, and I'll treat you accordingly. Deal.


    See, that's just crossing the line a little. I respect what you have to say, and thank you for taking the time to read my response to your posting and following up; however, I don't it's fair to be as judgmental as you presented yourself in the quoted text. You're more than welcome to disagree/not believe me, but you can do so by just saying "I personally don't believe that statement calibro," instead of just posting an insult veiled as a response. Why you gotta be hatin' up in here?
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    Feb 08, 2009 10:51 PM GMT
    metafor said
    muscles4muscles said[quote]Dating is basically about sex? Really? I would disagree, and say that YOU are probably just about sex, and that's the way YOU are. No one else has to subscribe to that mindset in their relationships but you.



    Thank YOU for completely judging me and summing me up in one little sentence. A person you've never even met, by the way. I am not all about sex. Dating is. You date romantic partners. What separates romantic relationships from familial relationships or friendships? SEX. Sexual intimacy. Physical attraction. I was just stating a basic fact. Not sure where your vitriol is coming from.


    I wasn't summing you up, I was summing up your mindset in relation to dating, which, as you have just repeated above, translates into sex for you. In that regard, you are speaking for yourself, and not anyone else who isn't interested in simply getting off with someone just because they're dating. Some gay men actually have standards and adhere to a protocol that ISN'T phallically oriented.

    Amazing how that works (or doesn't, in your case). [/quote]


    Are you for real? Romantic relationships being sexually based is MY idea? I think that's pretty much the way it's been since time began. What in your world separates a romantic partner you're dating from a good friend you love and hang out with a lot?

    You're acting as if sex and sexual attraction is a bad thing. Why are you so bitter?
  • calibro

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    Feb 08, 2009 11:01 PM GMT


    I never said anything about wanting to be fair with you or being pleasant in my responses to you, and, frankly, in your case, it isn't a concern of mine. I'll decide how I want to respond, and that's my prerogative. You can either ignore the posts or respond however way it satisfies you. Either way, it doesn't make much difference to me.


    You are absolutely right. You have every prerogative to respond anyway you like and if I don't like it I can always ignore it. I just assumed that as a person you would generally be inclined to be courteous to a fellow person. I guess I shouldn't assume things like that.
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    Feb 09, 2009 2:50 PM GMT
    Metafor - if I was as miserable as you appear to be, I'd rid the Earth of myself and leap off of a bridge..........that or get myself into some serious counseling - TODAY. BTW, the word is metaphor.
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    Feb 09, 2009 5:15 PM GMT
    Yawn. I seriously get sick of hearing this is strictly a problem in the gay community and nowhere else.

    It's society....and it's never gonna change...so, be the best you can be or come to terms with your life as it is.

    People are people. Good, bad or indifferent and it has nothing to do with being "gay".