Too-friendly Friend

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    Feb 08, 2009 8:21 AM GMT
    Ok, so i've got this friend (Bob) who is straight and dating one of my best friends (Jane) and he's a bit more than friendly towards me. I mean, on one hand it's great (having a friend who is comfortable enough with himself and such) but it's hard for me to not develop feelings for him. He tells me how sexy i am, he grabs my ass, and even cuddles up to me. On one occasion he did go a little farther... we got drunk with friends, kissed during "spin the bottle" (lol) and when we were alone in the kitchen, he grabbed my hips and started grinding into me-- i just shrugged him off of course, since he's dating my friend, Jane icon_redface.gif.

    What's worse is that it's starting to cause problems in his relationship. Jane is used to his "friendly nature" and at first, thought nothing of it. Lately she's been getting upset with him over it. Last week, we were all hanging out, drinking... nothing unusual, but he started cuddling up to me on the floor and she began to get a little upset. She then wanted to go out to the bars (i'm underage ((til tuesday! icon_razz.gif)) so i couldn't go), but he didn't want to leave, so he stayed and she went alone. I left a bit after that and apparently they got in a big fight and ever since have been having little arguments. Jane's uncle is gay and came out after he married and Jane's mom thinks Bob is gay (and told him that), so perhaps Jane is bit insecure about his sexualityicon_question.gif She has dated a few guys that came out after, so she does have some experience with that lol. Also, Bob is going to be living with me next year and she has told me that she is afraid he might "realize" he is gay then.

    Basically to sum things up: i want to be friends with Bob without falling (completely) for him; i dont want to come between Bob and Jane, even if i'm not doing anything directly; and i want life to be less complicated... and winning the lottery would be nice too icon_smile.gif I don't know how any of you guys can help, because I'M not even sure what i'm asking and i wrote it lol. Perhaps i'm just whining? I like the title though icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 08, 2009 9:05 AM GMT



    You're not whining, James! In fact, you really have to take more notes because this could make a hell of an article or story in a mag. Keep us posted as to what happens next, because there are definitely going to be things that happen next!

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    Feb 08, 2009 10:05 AM GMT
    you say she has dated guys before who later came out
    maybe she has a radar that makes her fall for guys that are gay but dont know it yet
    as far as your friend is concerned maybe he is just real comfy in his skin
    however if you and him share a room in future it would not surprise me if he does realise he is gay
    and it def would have nothing to do with you making him gay
    def an interesting situation
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    Feb 08, 2009 10:25 AM GMT
    I'm very interested
    Keep us posted, he could be slowly realizing he has deep feelings for you, or it could be he is just a close friend, either way, it's awesome. I'm rooting for a confession of burning love and desire.
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    Feb 08, 2009 10:38 AM GMT
    Have you considered having a threesome, together with Jane and Bob...Maybe all three of you can live together.....That way you don't have to worry about Jane feeling left out. It sure would get everything out into the open.
  • Tyinstl

    Posts: 353

    Feb 08, 2009 10:44 AM GMT
    I like your nested parentheses James.
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    Feb 08, 2009 11:17 AM GMT
    am intrested on what would happen next
    keep inform us with updates
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    Feb 08, 2009 11:58 AM GMT
    You'll do right in not getting between your friends. If there is something to it, (Bob having feelings for you) it should be up to him to work things out with Jane.
    Just play things cool and keep yourself "fault free" and see where things go.

    Alternatively you could ask Bob whether he means anything at all by his "physical insinuations" (or whatever you'd call it), or if he's really just joking around.

    I experienced something similar when I was in high school (and the guy was hot!), but I simply had to ask the guy to completely stop doing it, if he didn't mean anything by it, cos it was fucking with my head. unfortunately it was nothing but a joke to him LOL
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    Feb 08, 2009 12:00 PM GMT

    Simple. Answer this: Which is a better sounding dramedy title?

    "Bob and Jane"? *yawn*

    or

    "Bob and James"? icon_biggrin.gif

    Advance Happy Birthday! icon_razz.gif
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    Feb 08, 2009 12:00 PM GMT
    this is like some hot gay soap opera...I LOVE IT! gimme more!icon_twisted.gif
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    Feb 08, 2009 12:10 PM GMT
    He could be one of two of my str8 mates. Who love to flirt with me. I think nothing more of it, other than two guys very at ease with their own sexuality, of being heterosexual men. They don't care if anyone thinks they are fags, like me. But hay I too am very at ease with being a pure homosexual, a fag, and I do flirt with girls. But I'm not about to turn!
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    Feb 08, 2009 3:16 PM GMT
    He's gay and wants you. Poor Jane.

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    Feb 08, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    Bob, the lecherous friend ("too-friendly friend").

    Wikipedia suggests lechery is synonymous with lust: "Lust (or lechery) is an inordinate craving for coitus often to the point of assuming a self-indulgent, and sometimes violent character." Via: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lecherous
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 08, 2009 3:32 PM GMT
    Well your friend is certainly more than just friendly. I think the Bob-Jane thing is ill fated and will be history.. I think the real question is whether you want to still be simply friends with Bob.. whether you still want a friendship with both. If you do, I'd vacate myself from such a close "friendship" with Bob.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Feb 08, 2009 3:43 PM GMT
    I'd ask Jane if she wants to know for sure if he's gay or straight. It would be pretty easy for you to get that answer for her and save her a whole lot of heartache. Not sure how you would feel about doing it though.
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    Feb 08, 2009 3:59 PM GMT
    Here is what you do.

    Slap the fuck out of Bob. What an inconsiderate ass hole. First, he toys with your feelings by being more cuddly than you are comfortable with (which, by the way, why do you let him?). Then, knowing it is a point of contention in his relationship, rubs his girlfriend's face in it.

    You need to get Bob alone and tell him to knock it off. Also, you need to set boundaries for someone who is completely blind to them. When he starts grinding his ass into your cock or slips you a little tongue, that is when you need to step back and tell him to knock it off. You can be friends. You can continue to have this level of affection. But you cannot have both. Set some boundaries and save his relationship with you and his relationship with Jane.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 08, 2009 4:10 PM GMT
    I Think Munching is absolutely right
    What does this so called friend think he's doing?
    Playing some sort of mind games?
    I am assuming this dude is over 18 and by now he should have his proverbial shit together
    Next time he grabs your ass grab hold of his hand and say
    .... only people I invite get to go there
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Feb 08, 2009 6:25 PM GMT
    I think MunchingZombie, Handsome Kansan and GQ Jock all got it right.

    You're definitely not coming out of this with both friendships in tact unless you set some boundaries right away.

    If you don't, you're going to have to decide which friend you want to keep more.

    And given what you've told us, Bob doesn't sound like the type of friend worth keeping right now. He's mind-fucking you, even if he doesn't realize it or mean to. He's also mind-fucking Jane, again even if he doesn't realize it or mean to.
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    Feb 08, 2009 6:41 PM GMT
    Ever think................. it might be the alcohol
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    Feb 08, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    DAmn go easy on Bob. This is Bob's way of coming out. It is not easy when everyone around you is not sympathetic and are only concerned about how you being gay is going to ruin THEIR life. ...
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 08, 2009 6:47 PM GMT
    James, it's one thing if Bob turns out to be gay and wants to be with you, and it's another if he is already with Jane. Take the straightness out of the situation. If Bob were definitely gay and dating your friend Joe, would it be acceptable for you to be doing all this stuff with your friend's man? Never!icon_evil.gif It has nothing to do with sexuality! You are letting this guy interfere with your obligation to your friend Jane. If you are her friend, stay away from her man until they call it kaput. Even if Bob turns out to be gay and decides to want to be with you instead, do you really want to end up with a douche bag who was slimy enough to hook up with you in front of his ex and your friend while they were still together? Sounds like a player to me.
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    Feb 08, 2009 6:48 PM GMT
    I think you're overestimating your role in this. If Bob is secretly gay and struggling with it, he would be dealing with it whether you're there or not. Don't put a guilt trip on yourself thinking that you're influencing him to be gay. This is his struggle and it has nothing to do with you.
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    Feb 08, 2009 6:53 PM GMT
    meninlove saidYou're not whining, James! In fact, you really have to take more notes because this could make a hell of an article or story in a mag. Keep us posted as to what happens next, because there are definitely going to be things that happen next!

    Very true! Keep the installments in this drama coming!

    It sounds like Bob might be gay, who can yet say. But what I do think at this point is that he hasn't a clue how his behavior is affecting Jane. I feel sorry for her.

    And if Jane & Bob should break up, you may have to choose between her & him as a friend, if not him as a lover. Frankly, I wouldn't trust my own heart in Bob's hands after this.
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    Feb 08, 2009 7:11 PM GMT
    Sounds to me that you're being insightful and considerate of all parties involved. To be honest, that's a breath of fresh air around here. Reach around and pat yourself on the back for being kind and sensitive to everyone involved.

    You're off into dangerous territory, however, and, ultimately, someone is probably gonna' get their feelings hurt, and it's likely gonna' be you.

    Sounds like, but, hard to tell for sure, that your bud is bi (at best), and his "girlfriend" isn't really dieing to share him, nor to be fag hag.

    Now, you may not like my suggestion, but, unless you like drama, and hurt, it's probably best to get yourself out of the situation. Until he knows what direction he wants to go in (you're all pretty young folks), it's just a real mess. You're just asking to be hurt if you let the situation continue the way it is. He may not be ready to admit his inclinations (and it sounds like he's being WAY more than playful / friendly, and more like he's trying to warm up his "girlfriend" to the idea).

    Short of walking away, it's probably best to confront him directly about his behavior and ask him where he's headed with it. Tell HIM about how you're reading the situation, and how it's making you feel. Often we need to walk into, through, and beyond uncomfortable situations to resolve them (one of the facts of life, and an almost essential component to competition in athletics). Just tell HIM about how you're taking this all in and what your concerns are. He'll likely tell you what's up, and, if he's cool, change his behavior to accommodate YOU, and HER.

    Failing to address the thing is a sure fire plan for hurt and failure. You're going to have to either remove yourself, or address it directly with him. In my personal experience, it's often best to tell the person how you feel, then, remove yourself from the situation while they sort it out. It can take a while for a young man to come to terms with sexuality, especially if he's conflicted by false belief systems and the like. You need to be sure to be mindful that he might not know what he wants just yet. He's got his girlfriend on edge; he's got you on edge; it needs addressed. I can't fix that from here. It's something you have to man-up and do yourself.
  • tylerrr

    Posts: 33

    Feb 08, 2009 8:21 PM GMT
    I would suggest thinking about Bob's situation outside of the particular situation. Based on your description, I would posit the probability is very high that Bob is gay and still learning it. You haven't said you're not interested in him -- if you're not then in 6 months time, Bob will likely not be a part of you or your friend's lifves. The trick is getting from here to there without hurting your friendship.