Hooking up with a friend's former fwb?

  • Leftswiper

    Posts: 90

    Mar 20, 2016 5:15 AM GMT
    Early this week I chatted up a really hot guy on grindr who is visiting from Phoenix. A couple days later, while making plans to meet, he said that my friend [let's call him "Joe"] says hi. Apparently he was hanging with a mutual friend.

    He had told me before that he has no platonic friends in the Bay Area, so I asked him if he and Joe ever had a history. Turns out they used to be fwb back when Joe was also living in Phoenix, but are just friends now that Joe is seeking a LTR and not interested in visitors.

    I kinda wish I hadn't found out about their past haha, because now I can't hook up with this guy without looking like a slut in Joe's eyes! I don't even know how he is still willing to go through meeting up (he was planning to top me, while he used to bottom for Joe).

    I am of two minds - on one hand, the gay community is small and situations like these are unavoidable (or might have happened already without me knowing) so why sweat it... on the other hand, of all the hot guys out there I can hookup with, why still go for this one? Even if Joe isn't emotionally invested and is just judging me lol.

    Am I overthinking this?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2016 9:23 AM GMT
    Like keyshia Cole from Oakland sings: "there's always 2 sides to every story, and I promise I'll I will try to keep an open mind, but there's some things you don't do, some things you don't say...something something, etc..sometimes friends outgrow each other"

    My take is, there's two sides. One is..,I hate when guys "claim" previous hookups as theirs when their dumb ass can't even establish an actual relationship. I HATE that. Where do people come off? You might as well claim every person you ever slept with. And I have had some idiot friends who constantly competed against me because they hooked up with someone and tried to imply I couldn't. No, that person is interested in me, I'm gonna get it. Fuck the "we used to/still do hookup BS". Well you guys ain't together so obviously you're not that attached.

    HOWEVER, a guy on Grindr visiting...is probably not worth losing a friendship over if they already had something going on. Because you never know if they were trying to rekindle. Matter of fact it sounds like they ARE trying to rekindle.

    I would personally not mess with that situation because it sounds sketchy. Cut your loses and move on. The gay community can seem small...when people are meeting each other on Grindr.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 20, 2016 2:52 PM GMT
    I honestly don't see the problem here. It's not like they were in a long term, loving, monogamous relationship?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2016 3:35 PM GMT
    i dont see a problem either
    better hooking up with the guy since you know a little history about him. Both of you seem like nice people and no reason to enjoy your situation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2016 4:10 PM GMT
    This is why app hookups are so gross. You never meet a human, just a child with a penis fixation.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Mar 20, 2016 5:47 PM GMT
    Leftswiper said

    Am I overthinking this?


    Yup. You are overthinking this.

    If the dude was good 'nuf for 'Joe' to be FwB with him, why wouldn't he be good 'nuf for you to do the same?

    So,'Joe' was hooking up with this dude. Did you think 'Joe' was a slut for doing this?

    No one can really afford to screen each and every hookup for their personal histories. And frankly, why would you want to do so?

    You are not cheating on a friend who is an ongoing monogamous relationship. Even if 'Joe' and this guy were still FwBs you are not betraying anyone's trust and/friendship. FwBs are what the word says. Not more and not less.

    SC

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 20, 2016 6:01 PM GMT
    You're overthinking. Live your life according to your instincts and morals. Don't worry about what someone else might think. If they like you for you, you've got a friend. If they don't, well, nothing lost.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 20, 2016 6:52 PM GMT
    Leftswiper said
    Am I overthinking this?


    I think so.

    Your friend Joe had a non-committed sexual relationship with this guy. Why would he judge you poorly for doing the same? If he did, he's not much a friend.
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 596

    Mar 21, 2016 2:35 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 saidHOWEVER, a guy on Grindr visiting...is probably not worth losing a friendship over if they already had something going on. Because you never know if they were trying to rekindle. Matter of fact it sounds like they ARE trying to rekindle.


    ^^These are the factors a true friend would consider. The rest of you are so thirsty icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2016 4:57 AM GMT
    crazycrazydoesdoes said
    ^^These are the factors a true friend would consider. The rest of you are so thirsty icon_lol.gif


    THANKYOU! I'm reading all these responses and just feeling sick to my stomach. It just goes to show how unloyal and thirsty/hungry guys can be mentally. That's just sad.

    Some of you guys are looking at it from it and totally ignoring the key red flag here: why the fuck is this guy saying, "joe said hi..." IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY WERE HANGING OUT! The former FWB and this grindr ho were hanging out, and y'all are telling leftswiper to not see anything wrong with it?

    If this was coming from a purely platonical source, or if the guy said, "I used to fuck with Joe" while they were with each other...that'd be honest, but tacky. But to say it while he's with Joe? Oh bitch that's fucking sneaky.

    and you guys all know most gay men can't seem to say "we're boyfriends". So instead they fuck and call it FWB. But I bet if the same scene went down at a gay bar, a fight would break or some feelings would be hurt if leftswipers grindr catch made out with his friend when he was supposed to be fucking with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2016 5:16 AM GMT
    You know we're all only separated by six degrees of penetration. icon_eek.gif
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Mar 21, 2016 7:10 AM GMT
    Yes, I think you're over thinking this.

    It's mot like he was his ex partner. He's a previous FWB. It doesn't make you any more of a slut to be with this guy that it made your friend a slut to be his FWB.

    Go for it. Have fun. And just like with any sexual encounter, be careful and take precautions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2016 7:22 AM GMT
    Allen saidYes, I think you're over thinking this.

    It's mot like he was his ex partner. He's a previous FWB. It doesn't make you any more of a slut to be with this guy that it made your friend a slut to be his FWB.

    Go for it. Have fun. And just like with any sexual encounter, be careful and take precautions.


    What does it matter whether it was his ex partner or not though? This sounds like double standards. It's also putting a low value on the act of sex. I highly doubt it would make any difference if they were actually together. People would still be saying, "go for it!"

    I just can't see how someone's leftovers seem attractive...and KNOW ABOUT it. There's a guy who was trying to fuck with me for awhile, but when I found out he was fucking with my best friend at the time, it turned me off and he had to wait over a year just to even get a taste. By then, my friend have moved and got a husband. Even though they were just FWB, that's still a commitment of sharing bodies and possibly other unwanted things. And...I don't want to be having discussions with my friend about how good THEIR sex was.

  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Mar 21, 2016 7:38 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 said
    Allen saidYes, I think you're over thinking this.

    It's mot like he was his ex partner. He's a previous FWB. It doesn't make you any more of a slut to be with this guy that it made your friend a slut to be his FWB.

    Go for it. Have fun. And just like with any sexual encounter, be careful and take precautions.


    What does it matter whether it was his ex partner or not though? This sounds like double standards. It's also putting a low value on the act of sex. I highly doubt it would make any difference if they were actually together. People would still be saying, "go for it!"

    I just can't see how someone's leftovers seem attractive...and KNOW ABOUT it. There's a guy who was trying to fuck with me for awhile, but when I found out he was fucking with my best friend at the time, it turned me off and he had to wait over a year just to even get a taste. By then, my friend have moved and got a husband. Even though they were just FWB, that's still a commitment of sharing bodies and possibly other unwanted things. And...I don't want to be having discussions with my friend about how good THEIR sex was.



    Seriously? I think it makes a world of difference if the guy was someone he was in love with (or had feelings with) as opposed to just someone who was a partner for sex (i.e., FWB).

    And speaking of "putting a low value on the act of sex," aren't you the guy who said you used to be an escort (and maybe still is?)?

  • Leftswiper

    Posts: 90

    Mar 22, 2016 4:11 AM GMT
    The guy confirmed with me that he wanted to "rekindle" with Joe - part of the reason he was here - but Joe told him the next day he wasn't interested. Joe was so clueless the first night he even let him sleep on the same bed when he crashed over - but nothing happened! I truly admire Joe's commitment to LTR finding haha.

    It would be different if I really had feelings for this guy, but I guess at the end it comes down to human decency. I have a right to sleep with some random visitor just like I have the right to not hold an elevator for someone... but it's bad form, so I won't do that.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 24, 2016 12:38 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 said
    Allen saidYes, I think you're over thinking this.

    It's mot like he was his ex partner. He's a previous FWB. It doesn't make you any more of a slut to be with this guy that it made your friend a slut to be his FWB.

    Go for it. Have fun. And just like with any sexual encounter, be careful and take precautions.


    What does it matter whether it was his ex partner or not though? This sounds like double standards. It's also putting a low value on the act of sex. I highly doubt it would make any difference if they were actually together. People would still be saying, "go for it!"

    I just can't see how someone's leftovers seem attractive...and KNOW ABOUT it. There's a guy who was trying to fuck with me for awhile, but when I found out he was fucking with my best friend at the time, it turned me off and he had to wait over a year just to even get a taste. By then, my friend have moved and got a husband. Even though they were just FWB, that's still a commitment of sharing bodies and possibly other unwanted things. And...I don't want to be having discussions with my friend about how good THEIR sex was.



    I like how you hold the value of sex high as important in one sentence then dismiss another human being as leftovers in another.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 24, 2016 10:58 PM GMT
    Leftswiper said.

    It would be different if I really had feelings for this guy, but I guess at the end it comes down to human decency. I have a right to sleep with some random visitor .... but it's bad form, so I won't do that.


    In answer to your first question - Yes, you are definitely overthinking this.

    If you want to sleep with (fuck with?) this guy, what the hell difference does it make if he used to be your friend's fuckbuddy? He isn't now. And how would fucking with a visiting stranger make you a slut in your friend's opinion? You're supposed to remain virginal? It's only sex.