Memory & Being Away

  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Mar 21, 2016 7:31 PM GMT
    Been following RJ for awhile...there’s a lot of sound advice here so I’m hoping that some of you can weigh in.

    Here’s the situation: last year (around October) I mentioned to my boyfriend I was going to volunteer at an anime convention in another state on my birthday weekend this year (July). I mentioned the dates and that it was on my birthday weekend. That means I had originally told him about 9 months in advance. I always make him realize he is welcome to come, but he isn’t as interested in going to these things as I am and doesn’t want to spend money traveling (which is understandable).

    He said ok and didn’t really seem to care or mind, one way or the other. I also mentioned the upcoming trip a couple times in the next couple of months, and got the same response.

    In general, he doesn’t like it when I’m away too often but he does respect that once in awhile we can do our own thing. There aren’t any trust issues but we miss each other.

    Some more background: We’ve been together around 4 years. Last year, especially the summer and fall, was kind of a rough patch...but things are better now, or so I thought.

    Fast forward to this weekend. I casually mention the upcoming trip, and he flips. He says I told him nothing about it, and is really upset that I’m going to be away on my birthday without him. I mention that I’ve told him multiple times, but he doesn’t remember any of it.

    I offered to cancel the trip, because honestly this isn’t worth fighting over. But he tells me not to bother, to do my own thing, and yet he’s still unhappy. He hasn’t talked to me all night or all morning.

    This sucks, because we had been having a great weekend up until that point. Now I’m not sure what this means.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Mar 21, 2016 8:03 PM GMT
    I believe that this can only mean one of the two things.

    #1
    He has a memory problem. You have been telling him about your plans on several occasions. He has not been raising any issue about it. Suddenly, he has forgotten all about it, and appears to be majorly pissed over it. These things do not add up.

    or

    #2
    He has changed his mind but lacks the courage to admit it.

    Since you offered to cancel your trip, and stay home, you have done your utmost. What else can you do? What else would he want you to do?

    The chances are that he may be using this issue to vent on other underlying problems.

    Try to talk with him about it. Ask him about his suggestion how to solve this issue.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2016 8:11 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidI believe that this can only mean one of the two things.

    I'd add a third thing, which I sometimes do, which is that when someone tells you something and you aren't interested and paying attention you don't really file it away in your memory banks. It's as if the other person is going "blah blah blah" and you just nod your head. Maybe you might think of it as a variation on your first item.
  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Mar 21, 2016 9:11 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidI believe that this can only mean one of the two things.

    #1
    He has a memory problem. You have been telling him about your plans on several occasions. He has not been raising any issue about it. Suddenly, he has forgotten all about it, and appears to be majorly pissed over it. These things do not add up.

    or

    #2
    He has changed his mind but lacks the courage to admit it.

    Since you offered to cancel your trip, and stay home, you have done your utmost. What else can you do? What else would he want you to do?

    The chances are that he may be using this issue to vent on other underlying problems.

    Try to talk with him about it. Ask him about his suggestion how to solve this issue.

    SC


    Thanks! Good suggestions. There probably are some underlying issues. Once /if he calms down I will try to get out of him what I can do to make it better.

    I’ve noticed that when we have disagreements, he’ll verbally turn down a solution I offer...sometimes it seems that he just wants to continue being mad. (As the saying goes, cut off your nose to spite your face.) I have to read him out and then try to do what I think make things better, while treading carefully. But this time was much more intense, and ‘mad’ wasn’t quite the word...he actually seemed sad.

    I haven’t booked tickets, hotel, anything yet. I just was supposed to volunteer at my friend’s booth, but I’m sure they can find a replacement if need be as it’s still a couple months away. So canceling it wouldn’t be a loss, and I doubt my friend would be mad at me. That being said, canceling something like this is still a big step to take and while I’m very willing to, I also want to be sure it will mitigate this.

    For the initial reason, I was thinking it's closer to #1 (as #2 would be really out of character for him), then I read:

    Lumpyoatmeal said
    SilverRRCloud saidI believe that this can only mean one of the two things.

    I'd add a third thing, which I sometimes do, which is that when someone tells you something and you aren't interested and paying attention you don't really file it away in your memory banks. It's as if the other person is going "blah blah blah" and you just nod your head. Maybe you might think of it as a variation on your first item.


    This makes perfect sense. Since he isn’t that interested in anime cons, maybe he just starts tuning out when I talk about them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2016 9:37 PM GMT
    Well, some good rationalizations here for the BF's behavior. But not good enough.

    Yah know, if your guy has been getting told something for a while, and that guy cares something about you, he DOES register it. He DOES remember it. I'm not buying these apologetics at all. Not if the OP has given us a true & complete picture.

    Fuck him. You go anyway. He had fair warning, apparently even approved. It's arranged, it's done. He's either back home when the OP returns, or he's not. And frankly, if he's not, I'm not sure it's a big loss.
  • metta

    Posts: 39166

    Mar 22, 2016 5:27 PM GMT
    Passive aggressive... perhaps...

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior
  • Ariodante83

    Posts: 152

    Mar 23, 2016 3:01 AM GMT
    Don't get walked over. You respond "I did tell you. I'm sorry you don't remember. I'm going now."
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Mar 23, 2016 7:11 AM GMT
    You seem rather passive. I would examine whether or not you are being slightly taken advantage of in many areas of your relationship. There's nothing really wrong with being passive but you don't want to find yourself in a situation where you are creating an environment that allows another to think it's ok to take advantage of you ever so slightly on multiple levels.




  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Mar 23, 2016 1:13 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    SilverRRCloud saidI believe that this can only mean one of the two things.

    I'd add a third thing, which I sometimes do, which is that when someone tells you something and you aren't interested and paying attention you don't really file it away in your memory banks. It's as if the other person is going "blah blah blah" and you just nod your head. Maybe you might think of it as a variation on your first item.


    I agree with you.

    Yet, an adult must be aware of the consequences of his agreeing to something that he has neither understood nor noticed.

    I cannot think of a guy who doesn't sort of phase out sometimes. But if you say 'Yes', you are being held by your word.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2016 1:35 PM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    sdguy05 said...Fast forward to this weekend. I casually mention the upcoming trip, and he flips. He says I told him nothing about it, and is really upset that I’m going to be away on my birthday without him. I mention that I’ve told him multiple times, but he doesn’t remember any of it.

    I offered to cancel the trip, because honestly this isn’t worth fighting over. But he tells me not to bother, to do my own thing, and yet he’s still unhappy. He hasn’t talked to me all night or all morning.

    This sucks, because we had been having a great weekend up until that point. Now I’m not sure what this means.


    So he's denying knowing what he was told while acting all bent out of shape even when you try to compensate for his shortcomings?

    It means he's a Republican.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2016 2:48 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    SilverRRCloud saidI believe that this can only mean one of the two things.

    I'd add a third thing, which I sometimes do, which is that when someone tells you something and you aren't interested and paying attention you don't really file it away in your memory banks. It's as if the other person is going "blah blah blah" and you just nod your head. Maybe you might think of it as a variation on your first item.

    That's the most allowable of all these proposed reasons in my view, as it's a very typical "guy" thing. Straight wives are always complaining that their husbands don't even hear what they're saying half the time. The men have gotten into the automatic habit of just tuning their wives out. But if this BF is doing a tune-out, that can still indicate a problem.

    In our own cases, age and health issues have played havoc with our memories. My own short-term memory is barely functional, likely due to a lifetime of serious head traumas.

    So my solution is to call upon technology to the rescue. In the form of some extra-somatic memory helpers. I was doing it the last years of my Army career, when I realized my memory was failing, by using paper organizers from Day-Timers. I had my large desk ring binder appointment pages, and a monthly pocket calendar I always carried with me, about the size of a check book. Then when the Palm Pilot PDA came along I tried that, worked even better though I was now retired, and finally I transitioned to a smart phone.

    What I do for us now is complete auto-synchronization of both our calendars and contact lists over the iCloud. Both our desktop iMacs, our iPhones, iPads, and now our matching Apple Watches all "know" everything the other devices do, almost the instant an entry is made or changed.

    Of course the trick is to discipline ourselves, and remember, to enter every calendar event and reminder item, even small stuff like "get groceries". And then of course to look for them on the devices.

    But our new Apple Watches make that almost impossible not to do, if you check the time at all. I've chosen a face configuration for them that textually displays any calendar events or reminders. And if you need a few days advance notice for something, those can be programmed in, too.

    Now it's virtually impossible to say we didn't know something was happening. We can see a month's activities with a single click. And anything he enters on his devices I will see, and anything I enter on my devices he will see. Technology for us is not having the latest gee-whiz toys, but rather in having crutches in our old age to compensate for our growing deficiencies.

    I know more people active on their computers and iPads in their 80s then you probably think would be. Hell, one friend is 90 and he regularly emails me the digital pics he takes, that are still being published in magazines. This tech stuff is there, and I intend to exploit it for our benefit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2016 3:04 PM GMT
    There are many psychological reasons for someone to forget such things. People who are extremely stressed out or have anxiety problems often have a hard time remembering things....even things they want to remember. Does this fit him at all?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2016 8:49 PM GMT
    I wonder if he has abandonment issues versus this being a memory problem. Maybe he wants you to not just invite him but to make him part of the plan... as in "hey, lets go to ____ for my birthday so we can celebrate together". Guys with abandonment issues often tend to overanalyze these types of events starting with the words you use with the invitation to the plans themselves. Or they do the opposite and mentally checkout when you talk about leaving so that the details blur together. . I won't tell you how I know this... sigh....
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    Mar 24, 2016 1:54 PM GMT
    If you give in to him on this, he will expect you to give in on other things as well. If you back down, he will learn that he can manipulate and control you by being angry. So, whatever he wants he will get. Don't give up who you are for him.

    I'm saying this because I've been in this predicament so many times. My partner and I have many different interests and I used to not do certain things because he didn't want to go with me. Now I go on my own or with friends and always try to invite him if it's something he might enjoy.

    On the other hand, I do have memory problems and we've gotten into some arguments because I on't remember him telling me something. In the future, you might want to confirm things through text or e-mail to him. You could have sent an e-mail about the event, and written, "Don't forget I'll be going to this and you are welcome to come or mark your calendar" or something like that.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 25, 2016 2:43 AM GMT
    I wonder if he was planning something for your birthday and is upset because he forgot about your being away.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 26, 2016 12:43 AM GMT
    LJay saidI wonder if he was planning something for your birthday and is upset because he forgot about your being away.

    Good point. That may be it.
  • Ariodante83

    Posts: 152

    Mar 26, 2016 2:58 AM GMT
    Suetonius said
    LJay saidI wonder if he was planning something for your birthday and is upset because he forgot about your being away.

    Good point. That may be it.


    That sounds like really wishful thinking. Like those Lexus commercials where the teens get a bow-wrapped roadster parked in the driveway for Christmas.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Mar 28, 2016 1:19 AM GMT
    If he can't be away from you for short periods of time. You got bigger problems than his lack of memory skills.
  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    May 03, 2016 10:04 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for the responses! I’m not canceling.

    LJay saidI wonder if he was planning something for your birthday and is upset because he forgot about your being away.


    I thought about that too, but I asked him directly and he said that he wasn’t. He could be lying but it’s unlikely...we don’t normally plan something big for each other without at least trying to get a specific date beforehand.

    PhoenixNYC saidIf you give in to him on this, he will expect you to give in on other things as well. If you back down, he will learn that he can manipulate and control you by being angry. So, whatever he wants he will get. Don't give up who you are for him.

    I'm saying this because I've been in this predicament so many times. My partner and I have many different interests and I used to not do certain things because he didn't want to go with me. Now I go on my own or with friends and always try to invite him if it's something he might enjoy.

    On the other hand, I do have memory problems and we've gotten into some arguments because I on't remember him telling me something. In the future, you might want to confirm things through text or e-mail to him. You could have sent an e-mail about the event, and written, "Don't forget I'll be going to this and you are welcome to come or mark your calendar" or something like that.


    Thanks for this. It makes perfect sense especially the part about giving into him due to being angry may encourage him to be angry again to get what he wants...and I definitely need to make it clear that that’s not acceptable. I need to only consider backing down if he can discuss it like an adult.

    Occasionally confirming things sounds like a great idea. It would benefit both of us.

    badbug said You seem rather passive. I would examine whether or not you are being slightly taken advantage of in many areas of your relationship. There's nothing really wrong with being passive but you don't want to find yourself in a situation where you are creating an environment that allows another to think it's ok to take advantage of you ever so slightly on multiple levels.


    Yeah, this is also true. I just want to make people happy.

    Radd saidThere are many psychological reasons for someone to forget such things. People who are extremely stressed out or have anxiety problems often have a hard time remembering things....even things they want to remember. Does this fit him at all?


    Yes, definitely. He suffers from anxiety, often times severe.