Friendship and dating in a small gay community where everyone has slept with each other...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 26, 2016 1:37 PM GMT
    I was a late bloomer and didn't come out until about 6 years ago. Over the years since, I've been making new platonic friends and actively dating. I'm finding that no matter how or where I'm meeting a guy, friend or date, they ALL know each other and have hooked up in the past. But what's tough for me is that it feels like when I want advice on a situation with a friend or date, it's hard to get an objective opinion because there's history between the advice giver and the person I'm discussing. Or the person comments on intimate details of the other person before I've gotten a chance to get that far ("his dick is really thick" or "you know he's poz right?"). I often use code names when I need advice but there have been times when guys have even figured out the person because of their similar interaction!

    Also deep down I guess I also feel bummed that my last 2-3 boyfriends have been so "active" in the past. It's like they've been with everyone.

    The fact that this all bothers me is my problem. I'm looking for other perspectives to help me not feel so claustrophobic. What's the best way to embrace it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 26, 2016 2:42 PM GMT
    limit platonic friends to none relationship situations. If they know a lot about cars, tax law. If they can take care of your dog while your on vacation or (Denver) pull your car out of the snow.

    limit acquaintances to positive assurances while in the elevator.

    need to gossip:
    everyone is interested where you were last night but make it none of their business. If a relationship is that difficult up front that you have to ask questions. the relationship is not going to get any easier in time. your profile says Austin, larger than Denver. Intimate questions; ask your date. Dont date men who gossip.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Mar 26, 2016 5:12 PM GMT
    woodfordr saidI was a late bloomer and didn't come out until about 6 years ago. Over the years since, I've been making new platonic friends and actively dating. I'm finding that no matter how or where I'm meeting a guy, friend or date, they ALL know each other and have hooked up in the past. But what's tough for me is that it feels like when I want advice on a situation with a friend or date, it's hard to get an objective opinion because there's history between the advice giver and the person I'm discussing. Or the person comments on intimate details of the other person before I've gotten a chance to get that far ("his dick is really thick" or "you know he's poz right?"). I often use code names when I need advice but there have been times when guys have even figured out the person because of their similar interaction!

    Also deep down I guess I also feel bummed that my last 2-3 boyfriends have been so "active" in the past. It's like they've been with everyone.

    The fact that this all bothers me is my problem. I'm looking for other perspectives to help me not feel so claustrophobic. What's the best way to embrace it?


    The problem you are encountering is endemic in most non mega-metro gay communities. Many guys out there live happily with it. You may choose to be one of them.

    So, your last 2-3 BFs have been very 'active' in the past. Well, you cannot change that but you can try to understand that usually either the very top or the very bottom (no pun intended) league guys get to be very active. The top of the league dudes are in demand, and the bottom of the league dudes usually ask everybody and someone ends up with them for whatever reason. I am guessing that you befriended athletic, good looking guys and have been wondering about the fact that they have been enjoying themselves a lot. Many dudes out there pump iron mostly because they want to have exciting sex lives.

    Everybody knows everybody and, yeah, everybody gossips. Not much is ever going to change there. Once you become part of a wider coterie you get all of its upsides and downsides, too. If this is not to your liking, consider focusing on the guys who are new arrivals. Students, professional folks coming to town for work, etc. Another option is to look a bit further afield and see if there is a kindred soul that may be out of the usual group of suspects but will be happy to date. Sometimes a drive here or there is a decent price to be paid for your happiness.

    I am on the same page with Pelaz when he says that you may want to be pretty selective when it comes to platonic friendships. These always sound great as an idea but tend to drain much of your time and energy. It is nice to socialize alright. But when alls said and done, how much of that can you really take without taking away from your time budget for sleep, work, gym, and finding a BF?

    You admit to being a late bloomer. Starting an LTR may be a bit of an overwhelming experience, so you go around asking questions. No one can blame you for that. You are trying to understand it and do it right, too. Yet, Pelaz is right when he says that you should be talking with your prospective BF first and foremost. Hardly anyone who knows you and possibly knows him will be out there giving you unbiased advice. As you rightly sense, there is a common history, possibly unsettled accounts, and a petty vendetta, too.

    SC

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2016 6:52 PM GMT
    I totally understand. There's no bigger turn off than going out on a date with a guy and him freely and unprovokingly admitting he's slept with all the gays you know in town. It's part of why I was single and mostly celibate for five years.

    Unfortunately there's no real solution except to either move to a bigger city where hopefully you don't know any of those guys already or to have a mutual agreement to never talk about people you've been with in the past.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 29, 2016 6:02 PM GMT
    I would just say, "Just get over it." So they had sex in the past. That is what (younger) men do - straight and gay. If you don't want to know, don't ask. Do you expect every guy you meet to be a virgin, just waiting until they get to meet you? As long as it's in the past, it's history, and should not affect you.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 306

    Mar 29, 2016 6:03 PM GMT
    It is easier to progress in dating experiences if one stays in the present moment. Experience is part of growing: wisdom is the byproduct of experience plus insight.

    If anyone comes out late, and they guys they are dating came out at, say 23, then of course they will have more experience, and given it's a small town - wherever that is - it is likely that the dating pool was small and so many guys know each other. It's part of life that when we are in our 20s, we are learning, and part of that with gay men is being sexual to find out what we like and what we don't. So, this is a bit like saying, you've been to 40 different restaurants because you didn't know if you liked Thai, or Cambodian or French foods and you tried a lot of dishes. Substitute "guys" for "dishes" and you get the jist.

    The past has passed - and you have to adjust to that, which, it appears, you are struggling with. But this is not a race to be won: it is finding a beautiful human being to spend your time and life with. If sex was the prize, these guys would be in happy relationships. Are they? Happy people don't spend their time dissing other people. That is antithetical to the state of happiness. And if someone tells you about private matters about someone they once dated, ask yourself the reason someone is telling you about someone else. Is it out of altruism, to save you pain, or is it just gossip? Is there a good reason to be revealing intimate information about someone else? If not, then you now know something about the person revealing it: they "kiss and tell," so to speak. That means the private details of YOUR life are also gist for their conversations with others.

    Date someone who doesn't feel the need to reveal every sexual experience in their life. Besides, when a guy is with you, he should be focused on you, not on what he did with others in the past, unless you are forcing the issue. And if you are, you are creating your own dissatisfaction, perhaps out of envy. Avoid doing that as much as possible. It only creates insecurity.