My BF's work collegue has a crush on him...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2016 9:41 PM GMT
    I am in a relationship for about 6 month. My Boyfriend has a gay work colleague, who has a total crush on him. The entire company knows that this guy fancies my man.
    I know they get along well, have 'playful' email-conversations, meet occasionally for a drink after work and I was ok with it.
    We don't live together (yet), just for info.
    My boyfriend told me recently, that he had invited this guy over for dinner to his house. When I reacted a bit 'disturbed' about this new development, I was told not to be so jealous.
    Now call me oldfashioned, but if my dad invited his female colleague who let's pretend had a crush on him and spent an evening with her, my mom would freak out. :-)
    What's your opinion? Thx
  • Ariodante83

    Posts: 152

    Mar 28, 2016 10:30 PM GMT
    Warning, danger Will Robinson

    tumblr_myqu4xgRej1qlo1lto1_400_zpsex9jnj
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    Mar 29, 2016 2:23 AM GMT
    Yeah, something about the dinner invitation sounds "fishy." So my thought would be that the colleague is gay, and your boyfriend is gay, the appropriate invitation would be, "Why not come to dinner with my boyfriend and I." Definitely keep your eyes open on that one and be sure to communicate your feelings with him.

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Mar 29, 2016 4:11 AM GMT
    Ariodante83 saidWarning, danger Will Robinson

    tumblr_myqu4xgRej1qlo1lto1_400_zpsex9jnj


    THIS!!!!!!!!
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Mar 29, 2016 6:45 AM GMT
    I would not panic yet. But I believe that you should talk to your BF, and agree that when it comes to socializing with other gay dudes, the two of you go as one item.

    The idea of being in an LTR is that you do your gay-related and socializing stuff together.

    When it comes to social functions as opposed to strictly professional functions, I would routinely turn down all invitations that do not include my significant other. This is a well-established societal convention, so you are not asking for anything beyond the perfectly usual.

    If you choose not to go along each and every time, fine. That's your prerogative. But you ought to have a permanent, standing invitation.

    SC
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Mar 29, 2016 7:51 AM GMT

    I think the flailing robot makes some good points. There is a lot not to like here.


    Whenever i hear of issues like this, my first thought is that someone isn't being assertive enough or communicative enough or both.

    meet occasionally for a drink after work and I was ok with it



    Why? Why would you be ok with it?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Mar 29, 2016 9:42 AM GMT
    badbug said
    I think the flailing robot makes some good points. There is a lot not to like here.


    Whenever i hear of issues like this, my first thought is that someone isn't being assertive enough or communicative enough or both.

    meet occasionally for a drink after work and I was ok with it



    Why? Why would you be ok with it?


    I would be OK with this, too. You want to extend some trust to your BF. He works with this guy, and they socialize as friends who work together.

    So, you cannot go on saying that you are forbidding him to meet his fellow worker for a drink after work. This would really mean that you want to control every step your BF makes. You would appear to be too controlling and not trusting at all. Not good either. In my books, that is...

    I would not take this kind of limitation of my freedom lightly.

    SC
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    Mar 29, 2016 12:56 PM GMT
    It sounds like your bf is enjoying his colleague's attention. The only way to determine whether something else is going on is to ask your bf if he's even remotely attracted to his colleague. If he's honest and he admits that there's some attraction, then you may need to reevaluate your relationship with him.
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    Mar 29, 2016 4:55 PM GMT
    edited...
    It's kind of disrespectful unless y'all have an open relationship. It would be one thing if you were invited or if it were in public with others. But what good could possibly come from a private one-on-one dinner at his house with someone who wants him. I'm sure the coworker is also thinking (and hoping) that it could be a sign of good things. Maybe your boyfriend is young and it could be just a maturity issue. But I would definitely respond to your boyfriend's comment about being jealous with an honest feeling. "Yeah, I am a little jealous of this guy who likes you getting one-on-one time at dinner at your house. I'd love to spend time getting to know him too. Is there a reason I couldn't join you?" Gauge his answers from there.

    No reason to panic, but I would try to understand. The other thing is that he might say that you don't trust him. Trust is a tricky thing. You can trust that he wouldn't INTENTIONALLY hurt you and trust that he cares about you alot... but you may not trust that he will make decisions that will prevent him from hurting you, for example. Some people make bad judgements which end in unintended consequences.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Mar 29, 2016 5:00 PM GMT
    woodfordr saidIt's kind of disrespectful unless y'all have an open relationship. It would be one thing if you were invited or if it were in public with others. But what good could possibly come from a private one-on-one dinner at his house with someone who wants him. I'm sure the coworker is also thinking (and hoping) that it could be a sign of good things. Maybe your boyfriend is young and it could be just a maturity issue. But I would definitely respond to your boyfriend's comment about being jealous with an honest feeling. "Yeah, I am a little jealous of this guy who likes you getting one-on-one time at dinner at your house. I'd love to be there too. Is there a reason I couldn't join you?"



    This!
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    Mar 29, 2016 6:05 PM GMT
    Honestly, when I saw the subject line I thought I knew what your topic would be about and I was prepared to say "don't worry about it, just relax"... but when I read that he'd invited someone he knows has a crush on him over to his house for a two-person dinner... that's just weird. If my bf did that I would ask why he didn't invite me as well, or let him know it made me uncomfortable.

    I think you should state that it makes you feel uncomfortable and felt like he should have invited you along as well. If he doesn't respect your feelings, that would be a red flag for me.

    Also, like someone else on here suggested, you should ask him if he has any feelings for this fellow or is attracted to him. If the answer is no, then there's nothing to worry about. But if he is attracted to the guy, it's just wildly inappropriate for him to be inviting over someone he's attracted to who has a crush on him.

    I had a similar-ish thing come up recently when my bf mentioned that a fellow who has the same first and last name as him (a very uncommon name) is visiting town again and wanted to hang out. They are friends on facebook and had never met, but always had intended to just for the lols because of the same name and similar histories (both ex-Mormons born in SLC). I was ok with it until he mentioned that the other fellow asked if my bf and I live together while they were trying to plan on where to meet. That sounded to me like he wanted to know if shenanigans could happen, and the other fellow is decently handsome, so I was uncomfortable. But I know my bf wouldn't do anything, so I suggested they meet without me. No reason to get my undies in a twist. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Kinneticbrian

    Posts: 230

    Mar 30, 2016 2:00 AM GMT
    I'm in full accord with the others who say there's a problem here. Here are my thoughts:

    - I feel like if I am in a relationship with someone, then we should be able to trust one another to have our own friends and to do social things apart with our friends from time to time.

    - However, the fact that this "work friend" has a crush on your boyfriend - to the point he's made it known by either being deliberate or just stupidly clumsy about it, really creates a problem that frankly your boyfriend should have put an immediate stop to. Commitment to me says that if someone trusts me enough to call me his boyfriend and cares for me enough that I matter to him - then some interloper, regardless of his intentions, should be put in his place and in all probability - dismissed.

    -So that leads me to question your boyfriend, and specifically why he hasn't (a) put a stop to this whole thing or (b) hasn't insisted to the interloper that you two are a package deal - no exceptions - as a way to ensure not even a whiff of impropriety ever even comes into it.

    - Now, you have a voice in this as well. Find it. But first, evaluate some things. Is this boyfriend worth it? Can you and more importantly will you trust him? How much do you value yourself? Can and will you be totally honest with yourself? This whole thing is about respect. It's about respect for your commitment to one another, it's about respect for you as a human being and someone's friend and loved one. It's about respect for trust and the willingness to let someone get close enough to hurt you with the full belief they won't. Think on these things and find your voice and then use it.

    -Having been in a very similar situation (almost identical actually) with my now (thank God) ex, I can tell you this. If you don't stand up for yourself and let him know this is unacceptable, you'll regret it. I denied what was going on and even defended my ex to my friends. I was very wrong and it ended up hurting me more than anyone. Find your voice - stand your ground.

    - If your boyfriend and this guy work in the same place and this spectacle is going on, believe me when I say that this does not end well for at least one and probably both of them professionally. Nothing good comes from this.

    This may be tough to confront and you might be afraid of losing your boyfriend. But if you don't - you stand to lose a lot more.

    You are very right to be concerned. Have a mature, adult conversation and draw the line on this now for your own good.

  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Mar 30, 2016 2:51 AM GMT
    Was your boyfriend friends with this co-worker before you two started dating? Did they have dinner, drinks, etc. before? If so, your BF would have been dating him instead of you. If this is all *since* you to started dating then listen to the Robot.
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    Mar 30, 2016 3:32 AM GMT
    That's just disrespectful to you man. Yeah unless this is an open relationship or he invites you to dinner too, its wrong. Specially at his house.
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    Mar 30, 2016 6:02 AM GMT
    so this is one-on-one dinner at his house? No I wouldn't like it.
    You should be invited too, that's what I would do.
    But you absolutely shouldn't say "you can't be friends with him". That is a bit too controlling.
    Wait some time. If your bf really wants to be your man, then there will be nothing to it. But if something happen between him and co-worker, then you would know perhaps he's not the man for you.
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    Mar 30, 2016 1:49 PM GMT
    "Honey, since we've only been together for 6 months, and we don't live together yet, I'm not entirely secure in our relationship as we're still growing together. I realize that it is making me uncomfortable that you're having drinks and dinner with a gay guy who you know fancies you. While I may understand that you may enjoy the attention, I was wondering if you would mind not doing that? If I was included, it may be different, but you two alone makes me uneasy. Would that be okay with you?"

    If his response is anything other than "Sure. Not a problem." then dump his ass. (This is not the way you want a relationship to start—him disregarding you and your concerns.)
  • phillo

    Posts: 39

    Mar 30, 2016 1:51 PM GMT

    As others have said, there's something fishy going on...
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    Mar 30, 2016 3:22 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]phillo said[/cite]
    As others have said, there's something fishy going on... [/


    Have you agreed to behave like a str8 couple, settle down and have kids?

    Probably not, and your presumed BF probably has not bought into that either.

    Needed bottoms tend to imagine a romance that is only found in str8 romance novels and this will keep happening until you get real about being a gay man in 2016.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Mar 31, 2016 7:00 AM GMT
    I'm sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a clueless, insensitive tool. Find someone better.
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    Mar 31, 2016 10:30 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said[quote][cite]phillo said[/cite]
    As others have said, there's something fishy going on... [/


    Have you agreed to behave like a str8 couple, settle down and have kids?

    Probably not, and your presumed BF probably has not bought into that either.

    Needed bottoms tend to imagine a romance that is only found in str8 romance novels and this will keep happening until you get real about being a gay man in 2016.


    What are you talking about? Are you asserting that "being a gay man in 2016" means that the OP and his bf MUST have a relationship, and AREN'T allowed to "settle down and have kids"? You realize some gay dude actually DO want that, right?
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    Apr 01, 2016 12:35 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saiduntil you get real about being a gay man in 2016.


    Not everybody lives your gay reality. Probably something you should get used to in 2016.

    European_Guy saidI am in a relationship for about 6 month. My Boyfriend has a gay work colleague, who has a total crush on him. The entire company knows that this guy fancies my man.
    I know they get along well, have 'playful' email-conversations, meet occasionally for a drink after work and I was ok with it.
    We don't live together (yet), just for info.
    My boyfriend told me recently, that he had invited this guy over for dinner to his house. When I reacted a bit 'disturbed' about this new development, I was told not to be so jealous.
    Now call me oldfashioned, but if my dad invited his female colleague who let's pretend had a crush on him and spent an evening with her, my mom would freak out. :-)
    What's your opinion? Thx


    The question you should be asking is not why your boyfriend invited this gay-colleague-who-has-a-crush-on-him over for dinner at his place, but why aren't you invited as well?

    Not that you have to be present each and every time they decide to hang out, but having you around there at least every other time gives you opportunity to screen the person and their interaction with each other.

    Probably not a case of a big fat red alarm, but a pretty heavy yellow alert. Proceed with caution.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Apr 01, 2016 12:51 AM GMT
    Razvigor said
    Alpha13 saiduntil you get real about being a gay man in 2016.


    Not everybody lives your gay reality. Probably something you should get used to in 2016.


    +1

    No matter the thread, or how outrageous the other partner's actions are, you can always count on a few loveless faithless queens who feel the need to drag everyone down to their level.
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Apr 01, 2016 2:07 AM GMT
    highforthis said
    Razvigor said
    Alpha13 saiduntil you get real about being a gay man in 2016.


    Not everybody lives your gay reality. Probably something you should get used to in 2016.


    +1

    No matter the thread, or how outrageous the other partner's actions are, you can always count on a few loveless faithless queens who feel the need to drag everyone down to their level.


    Haha yeah, it's always "you must be insecure about your relationship" or some bs like that
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    Apr 01, 2016 6:48 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said[quote][cite]phillo said[/cite]
    As others have said, there's something fishy going on... [/


    Have you agreed to behave like a str8 couple, settle down and have kids?

    Probably not, and your presumed BF probably has not bought into that either.

    Needed bottoms tend to imagine a romance that is only found in str8 romance novels and this will keep happening until you get real about being a gay man in 2016.


    While I agree with your first point about "agreeing to behave" in certain way, I disagree with the rest. This has nothing to do with straight models of anything nor is it merely a "needed bottom" topic. Even poly and open relationships have boundaries and conditions that form the relationship. Being selfish and doing things that hurt the other partner have no place in an open/poly relationships either. The truth is that monogamous, poly, open relationships break up for the same reasons... lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of trust, incompatibility etc.
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    Apr 01, 2016 7:04 PM GMT
    He and that dude are already fucking. He told you about the dinner to throw you off. He thinks you will think: "Oh, he's honest with me about this so he must be honest with me about everything. It's all very innocent. I'm over reacting."

    NOT!