Am I Doing This Gay Thing Right?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2016 10:41 PM GMT
    Hey guys!

    So I recently moved to LA, where I'm finally free to be who I am (I'm from the Caribbean's, where basically someone could get killed for being gay). I've never had a boyfriend or really met any openly gay people.

    I went to The Abbey, but the guys there didn't really seem interested in anything but dancing haha. They were basically all gods. Huge culture shock. Well I turned to online dating. On sites like OKCupid, i'd get a guy to reply once and then he'd just start ignoring me. And on this site, I can't even get one reply hahahaha (My intros aren't anything crazy. I simply pay them a compliment and ask them a question based on their profile).

    So my question is, am I doing something wrong?
  • Ariodante83

    Posts: 152

    Mar 28, 2016 11:33 PM GMT
    Stop focusing on dating and finding someone. Focus on cultivating yourself and bettering who you are and what you have to offer to the world. The guys will come to you.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1032

    Mar 29, 2016 12:39 AM GMT
    Yeah you're doing it wrong - but that's OK. Everybody has to learn. And the "rules" in LA are different from the "rules" pretty much anywhere else.

    Online dating doesn't work anymore, especially in a place like LA that has a huge gay community. Why go through the rigamarole of meeting a guy online when you can walk out your front door and trip over a dozen or so on your way to the bus stop?

    Realjock is not a dating site. Most of the guys on here are not looking to meet anyone in real life. That goes double for the guys from LA.

    The Abbey is the lint trap of West Hollywood - it collects all the detritus that blows into town on the wind. Actually very few people in LA go to bars looking to meet someone. They go to bars to hang out with their gay friends.

    So - get yourself some gay friends. Join a sports league or a club that does some kind of activity you like. You might start here:

    http://varsitygayleague.com/

    They specialize in recreational sporting activities, and experience or skill is not required (or common).

    If that doesn't appeal to you, there are lots more sports and social groups here (select "SPORTS"):

    https://gaywesthollywood.com/sports.php

    Find a group of people with similar interests, and dates will follow. Meanwhile, for those lonely LA nights, there sure are a ton of hot guys on Grindr...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 3:15 AM GMT
    I guess you guys are right, I should concentrate on myself. Its just I'm 23 and I feel like I missed out on so much. Specially in high school in college. I just want to finally have someone to make a connection with. I guess I can wait haha

    And thanks for the links bro4bro!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 3:20 AM GMT
    LALA Land is still plastic, superficial and the fuck culture is all they have.

    You have much more to offer than many there I am sure.
    So let your light shine and be the polite and the easy going person you are and your lover will show up!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 3:39 AM GMT
    Yeah, it's weird. Theres a lot of stereotypes you see on TV and not everyone is like that but...a big majority of the people I've met are haha
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 3:41 AM GMT
    Javelle2 saidHey guys!

    So I recently moved to LA, where I'm finally free to be who I am (I'm from the Caribbean's, where basically someone could get killed for being gay). I've never had a boyfriend or really met any openly gay people.

    I went to The Abbey, but the guys there didn't really seem interested in anything but dancing haha. They were basically all gods. Huge culture shock. Well I turned to online dating. On sites like OKCupid, i'd get a guy to reply once and then he'd just start ignoring me. And on this site, I can't even get one reply hahahaha (My intros aren't anything crazy. I simply pay them a compliment and ask them a question based on their profile).

    So my question is, am I doing something wrong?

    Stay away from the bars/clubs/apps, unless you're looking for random fun. If you want to meet people with substance, join some social/sports clubs. If you remove the romance/sex aspect of socializing with gay men, they tend to be more open to friendship.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Mar 29, 2016 4:48 AM GMT
    Javelle2 saidI guess you guys are right, I should concentrate on myself. Its just I'm 23 and I feel like I missed out on so much. Specially in high school in college. I just want to finally have someone to make a connection with. I guess I can wait haha

    And thanks for the links bro4bro!


    You know, you actually have a pretty stunning look in my opinion, and you should be turning heads wherever you go. But based on your other pics, the wild and long hair really takes away from your appearance. You might want to consider cutting your hair super short (i.e., clipper) and let your good looks shine. But that's just my opinion.

    You're only 23. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Take your time to meet the RIGHT friends, people who will appreciate you for you and have your back when you need them to. But keep in mind that you're living in a city where the gay community is known for being pretty superficial. But they're not all like that. Again, take your time and be selective. Better to take more time to make quality friends.

    And lastly, you actually seem like you're someone who has his shit together pretty well -- at least it seems that way from your posts. I'm pretty sure you'll be OK.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Mar 29, 2016 6:36 AM GMT
    You may not be doing it wrong (or right) for that matter.

    You are a newbie, and you are getting the lay of the land. I have yet to meet a dude who moved into a major metro area, transplanted from a different culture and background and who got it all up and running in a day or two. The good thing needs its time, too.

    There is no harm in looking around everywhere. You do not want to leave any stone unturned.

    LA or not, gay guys are very much if not only sex driven. Connecting with someone with whom you click on sexually may lead to more.

    It is a good idea to join groups and clubs for more quality dating potential. That does not go on to say that you should not hit a club or bar, and check on those places, too.

    True, the Apps may be functioning better at one place than the other but they do generally work. If so many guys are hanging out there, the chances are they cannot all be wrong.

    Do not get intimidated by the looks of the 'gods' in those clubs, on the beaches, and elsewhere in town. You are an attractive young man, and I have no doubt that a few dudes will find you very attractive. Relax, be open-minded, and show interest in dudes whom you find attractive. The rest will follow.

    SC

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 12:26 PM GMT
    If you're measuring your value as a gay person based on the number of responses or compliments that you receive or do not receive from other gay guys, you're likely to be misled.
  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Mar 29, 2016 2:38 PM GMT
    At 23, you have barely started. Please don't rush yourself. There is a lot of fun and friendship and love you have yet to enjoy. What is yet to come is way more than anything you imagine you have missed.

    You've only just begun (and yeah, everybody gag but it was a great Carpenters song, especially for those who actually are there ;-)
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 29, 2016 5:24 PM GMT
    robbaker said
    Javelle2 saidHey guys!

    So I recently moved to LA, where I'm finally free to be who I am (I'm from the Caribbean's, where basically someone could get killed for being gay). I've never had a boyfriend or really met any openly gay people.

    I went to The Abbey, but the guys there didn't really seem interested in anything but dancing haha. They were basically all gods. Huge culture shock. Well I turned to online dating. On sites like OKCupid, i'd get a guy to reply once and then he'd just start ignoring me. And on this site, I can't even get one reply hahahaha (My intros aren't anything crazy. I simply pay them a compliment and ask them a question based on their profile).

    So my question is, am I doing something wrong?
    Yes you're doing yourself alot wrong stop defining your sexuality and try to convert yourself with the gay narcissistic crown just because you want acceptance. reality check live your life being happy without the acceptance of others because you came out . who caresicon_rolleyes.gif

    Don't concern yourself with Robbaker's posts. He's always putting down gay men. Have no idea why he is even on this site at all. Put him on ignore quick, so you don't have to read them.
  • gamble

    Posts: 48

    Mar 29, 2016 5:52 PM GMT
    Allenthe wild and long hair really takes away from your appearance. You might want to consider cutting your hair super short

    That is the worst advice I've ever heard! Your hair is amazing - please don't cut it!

    Yeah, making gay friends first will make everything a lot easier. You'll have a wingman/wingmen for when you go out, people to explain cultural differences to you as they come up, and a ready-made social network to meet new people outside of bars (Despite the fact that they're the most obvious gay spaces, bars are actually not a great place to meet new people at all).

    Meet gay friends through non-sexual gay social groups as mentioned. It doesn't have to be sports though. In a city like LA you can probably just google "LA gay [insert activity here]" and find people who are into the same stuff as you. Also, straight people know gay people too - so if you just hone in on the sorts of people you jive with, regardless of whether they're gay or not, you'll be able to meet gay people who are also the sorts of people you're into.

    I think it's important to try to make a few different gay friends from different walks of life right off the bat. When you're new to a culture AND to being gay there can be a lot of confusion between "this is what being gay is like" vs. "this is just what my particular world is like". There are many perspectives and experiences on being gay in America/LA, so try to hone in on the ones that seem the most appealing to you.

    Be proactive about getting people's phone numbers and inviting them to do things and definitely friend people on Facebook. As you friend people on Facebook you will slowly start to see who is friends with whom and where the different social networks start and stop. You can also more quickly embed yourself in a social network through a kind of "referral effect". If you're a friend of mutual-friend-so-and-so (even if that's just some person you just met the other day), people are more apt to bring you into the fold than if you're just some stranger.

    Also, don't feel like you've missed out because you're 23 and just starting to explore your gay self/date. Lots and lots of people who are from the US and live in liberal cities don't get out into that scene until around your age for a host of other reasons, so you're pretty much in the norm.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 6:16 PM GMT
    Awww thanks guys icon_smile.gif

    I mean it's not that I'm defining myself by whether or not I have a boyfriend or not. I just for the past few years, I've dug down in books (to the point where I was valedictorian), landed an awesome job, etc. It's just I come home and it's lonely. I just think it's time to start focusing on my social life. Definitely not saying I need to find someone to get married haha. And I'm not the hookup type, so the lifestyle here kinda makes me feel like an outcast.

    I think you guys are right in saying that I should concentrate on making friends. I've been here two months and have yet to truly explore the place cause there is no one to go out with. Well you guys are my first gay friends!
  • tobyb

    Posts: 111

    Mar 29, 2016 7:13 PM GMT
    Javelle2 saidAwww thanks guys icon_smile.gif

    I mean it's not that I'm defining myself by whether or not I have a boyfriend or not. I just for the past few years, I've dug down in books (to the point where I was valedictorian), landed an awesome job, etc. It's just I come home and it's lonely. I just think it's time to start focusing on my social life. Definitely not saying I need to find someone to get married haha. And I'm not the hookup type, so the lifestyle here kinda makes me feel like an outcast.

    I think you guys are right in saying that I should concentrate on making friends. I've been here two months and have yet to truly explore the place cause there is no one to go out with. Well you guys are my first gay friends!


    Yes, finding friends (preferably gay, as you're 23 and ready to mingle!) will unlock the city for you. If team sports are not your thing, no problem, but for me, it's been the best way to meet some of the best friends I ever made. I played rugby for 14 years and still coach it. It's a great sport, it's open to newcomers who never played it before, the guys are unpretentious, and while it's structured (one or two nights a week, matches most Saturdays) you can skip practices without it preventing the game proceeding. The LA team is at

    http://larebellion.org/

    Volleyball, swimming, flag football and soccer are good bets too. Sharing an activity you enjoy - rather than meeting just to hook up - is the best way to meet other gay guys. Enjoy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 9:05 PM GMT
    Haha despite how I look, I've actually never really played a sport. I got embarrassed once in middle school during kick ball and have dreaded sports since then. But I might give rugby a shot just for the workout.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 29, 2016 10:25 PM GMT
    Javelle2 saidHaha despite how I look, I've actually never really played a sport. I got embarrassed once in middle school during kick ball and have dreaded sports since then. But I might give rugby a shot just for the workout.

    Well you can always try running (get in shape a bit first before you hang out with a gay running club), or biking - there is bound to be a gay cycling club in LA - and who does not know how to ride a bicycle? And if physical activity is out, there are gay groups for just about everything, from horticulture to politics to bridge. Go find some.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 10:42 PM GMT
    Hahahahah I actually don't know how to ride a bike
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Mar 30, 2016 1:21 AM GMT
    Be yourself...Fuck the self questioning about doing the "gay thing right". There is no right or wrong when you're talking about a true part of yourself....Deuces
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    Mar 30, 2016 2:12 AM GMT
    Thanks!
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1132

    Mar 30, 2016 2:30 AM GMT
    Javelle2 saidAwww thanks guys icon_smile.gif

    I mean it's not that I'm defining myself by whether or not I have a boyfriend or not. I just for the past few years, I've dug down in books (to the point where I was valedictorian), landed an awesome job, etc. It's just I come home and it's lonely. I just think it's time to start focusing on my social life. Definitely not saying I need to find someone to get married haha. And I'm not the hookup type, so the lifestyle here kinda makes me feel like an outcast.

    I think you guys are right in saying that I should concentrate on making friends. I've been here two months and have yet to truly explore the place cause there is no one to go out with. Well you guys are my first gay friends!


    You should realize that you're getting advice from sexually inept individuals right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2016 3:28 AM GMT
    Lol i dunno, these guys are pretty sexy lol
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1132

    Mar 30, 2016 3:54 AM GMT
    Javelle2 saidLol i dunno, these guys are pretty sexy lol


    How can I say this, people who rationalize away things they can't do, as things they can in fact do (if that makes any sense), are very much inept (socially, morally, whatever...), and if sexual matters are rationalized away in the same manner, that simply indicates their sexual ineptitude as well.
  • tobyb

    Posts: 111

    Mar 30, 2016 2:41 PM GMT
    Javelle2 saidHaha despite how I look, I've actually never really played a sport. I got embarrassed once in middle school during kick ball and have dreaded sports since then. But I might give rugby a shot just for the workout.


    Yes, it's a good workout, and my experience is that rugby guys, gay or straight, are always pretty welcoming, they give kudos to people for giving it a shot. If you find don't like it, NBD, there's lots of other things to do, and in the meantime, you may have met some gay guys you like. Good luck!
  • MarcelP

    Posts: 12

    Mar 30, 2016 5:22 PM GMT
    Javelle -- My advice is to get involved with your local LGBT Center -- e.g. www.lalgbtcenter.org/splash_member_drive_2016?splash=1. Maybe volunteer some time?

    You'll meet actual gay people there (as opposed to a bunch of Internet personae), and you'll see the amazing diversity of the community.

    I think that may help you to find your own way to be gay.

    Good luck!