Best way to deal with being stood up?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2016 11:56 PM GMT
    When you have to constantly be around them/see them frequently?

    I thought about just not bringing it up, because clearly you have no respect for me, so why should I bring my feelings up? You don't care.

    Either way, going to avoid as much as I can.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Mar 30, 2016 12:47 AM GMT
    I would either call them out on it or completely write them off and freeze them out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2016 12:58 AM GMT
    I think your initial inclination is the best. There is no real benefit in spending time pondering them if they have shown so little respect for you.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 2181

    Mar 30, 2016 1:18 AM GMT
    whyishegaythen saidWhen you have to constantly be around them/see them frequently?

    Constantly around him ? ? Trying to date someone from work?

    Sorry it happened, but a lot of guys are like that. Now you know. It's probably happened to everyone here.

    I wouldn't bring it up to him, but I would definitely ignore him, and, if you have a mutual circle of mutual friends, discretely let one of them who likes you, know that he did it.

  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Mar 30, 2016 5:54 AM GMT
    Shrug with your shoulders and move on.

    The more you do the more you validate his negative behavior.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2016 4:21 PM GMT
    It's perfectly fine to ask "are you going to at least tell me what happened?" Because the truth is that you do care a little if you're a normal person. It's perfectly natural and human to care about why someone didn't show up. That doesn't make you a weak person. It makes you a person. You actually showed up remember. You held up to your end of the deal. It's not that you weren't good enough for them to show up for. So don't even let your mind go in the "what did I do wrong?" direction. This is totally on them and how they react to real life interactions.

    I've been stood up a handful of times and I've always asked what happened. And I've gotten a response about 75% of the time, actually. Usually I've written something like, "hey, I'm guessing you got nervous or something made you feel uncomfortable. Good guy here. Would be great to at least get an explanation if you can handle that..."

    Some of the responses were delayed... in fact, I've gotten responses 12 months down the road in the form of apologies. A couple guys actually wanted to meet again, which I did in fact agree to each time. One of those guys I dated for awhile and we became really good friends to this day. The other guys... well they liked me and I ended up not liking them (which was their fear).

    My point is I know we're in a "save face and don't let them see you sweat" era in society. But this is your life and its ok to be a person, with sensitivities and feelings and all. You get to choose what you want and how you want to react to each situation and person. If you want to know what happened, ask this guy to see if he is man enough to respond. The pressure is all on him. And by all means, keep your head up. Good luck.
  • mybud

    Posts: 14210

    Mar 30, 2016 7:51 PM GMT
    You grow a thicker skin and chalk it up to his loss. You have the treasure but he was too stupid to open the box...
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Mar 30, 2016 8:52 PM GMT
    I would call them out.
    They stood you up. Pretending that it didn't happen doesn't make it go away it just has you stewing over it.
    Once you've vented, called them an asshole. You will find it easier to move on.

    I see it less as having little respect for you and more as having no sense of decency and balls to just say no if they don't want to meet. It's not a reflection on you it's a reflection of their own lack of honour.
  • JetStarBrian

    Posts: 233

    Mar 30, 2016 10:21 PM GMT
    I truly don't believe there's any justifiable reason, outside of a traffic crash or something else equally bad, to stand anyone up.

    I've been stood up before, and it made me feel awful at first, then determined to not let the jerk who did that win. In short, I continued the date and made the decision to enjoy myself thoroughly. He doesn't know what he missed.

    There's no doubt that it feels horrible to be stood up. Part of you wants to cry, part of you wonders what's fundamentally wrong with you and part of you wants to get in touch with your inner black woman, take a skillet (nicely weighted) and teach him some manners, Madea style.

    Before you take a chain saw to his sofa though - consider this:

    - A man keeps his word. A gentleman considers the needs of others before his wants and the wants of others before his needs and someone who's humble has self esteem to spare, but always considers others more than himself. How does the guy who stands someone up (lies in the most cowardly way possible) measure up to this?

    - You deserve better. (I really don't think this needs explanation - more guys need to believe this and do something about it).

    - Ask yourself in light of the above points the following questions:

    1 - Would I invite a thief into my home? (Anyone who acts like this is a liar and has, in essence stolen your trust).

    2 - Could I trust someone who gives his word and has no intention of honoring it?

    3 - What has this person done to earn the PRIVILEGE of being in my life?

    4 - Would I really want such a person around my family, loved ones, and my friends - the people to whom I really matter?

    5 - What kind of a guy is this really, who does this without care or regard for the feelings of others?

    It may be tough seeing him on a regular basis and not wanting to clean his clock, and he deserves every bit of a good telling-off. But the lesson that the world is going to teach him; that is imminent on the horizon and that he's blind or ignorant to because he's deluded himself into thinking there are no consequences in this world... that lesson is going to be a much more severe one than you can dish out and will be much more bitter and long lasting. It's called "alone".

    Do yourself a favor... Be encouraged that there are awesomely amazing guys out there and be warned that you might just miss one if you're busy being angry or wasting energy on someone who legitimately does not deserve it.

    Find your great guy or get ready to be found by him and enjoy the trip in the mean timeicon_biggrin.gif
  • Edepic

    Posts: 98

    Mar 31, 2016 12:07 AM GMT
    I suggest neither ignoring him nor making a federal case out of it.
    Looking him in the eye and saying strongly, "Nice to see you!" , then keep going and keep it formal. This establishes that you are not crushed by the rejection, and that you have the balls to look him in the eye.
    Don't ever go back,
  • oldfart

    Posts: 334

    Mar 31, 2016 5:08 PM GMT
    I think woofordr has very wise points.

    But ultimately, it's like a friend of mine says: the guy's attention span is obviously six inches long.

    Don't let his action (or rather lack there of) spoil your space. Get to where you can let that go, and him with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2016 9:27 PM GMT
    Depends on what is meant by "stood up." Did they just not show up or did they let you know ahead of time that they couldn't make the date? In the first case, that's just wrong, in the second case, stuff happens that people don't necessarily have control over.

    I had an acquaintance where if she made a date with someone to do something together and something came up that prevented the other person from keeping the date and told her before the date she'd get really pissed. In every case the other person had a perfectly good reason, typically something to do with their family (for example, someone from out of town unexpectedly came to town for the weekend) I wouldn't have called that being stood up but that's how she looked at it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 12:46 AM GMT
    Call them out. Then don't acknowledge their existence ever again unless it's work related. It's best for both of you.
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Apr 03, 2016 5:04 AM GMT
    . . . meh, sh*t happens. If you've been stood up, it's their loss to begin with, just means they're not interested and someone better is out there for you.