I accidentally came out to my cousin

  • aalawand

    Posts: 5

    Apr 01, 2016 4:37 AM GMT
    Hi there, gay people of the world.

    So i'm in a bit of a pickle as you can tell from the subject, it was an 'accident'.

    Here's what happened:
    (I'm going to call my cousin Billy because I don't want him to find this on the internet.)

    I asked Billy if he wanted to go to the mall with me because I had to buy a couple of items and he said okay.

    Right when I picked him up to go all he talked about was girls icon_rolleyes.gif

    Billy: "Amer, I met this middle eastern girl who's 3 years older than me and blah blah blah"

    Me: "Congrats"

    and on and on and on he went about her until we arrived at the mall.

    As we were walking to Nordstroms,

    Billy: "Oh my god Amer I like her top, she has a big ass."
    Billy: "Damn she is so fine"
    Billy: "Amer, are you talking to any girls?"
    Billy: "Do you like girls"
    Billy: "Do you have any interest in them?"

    Of course I gave him some stupid reason why I was 19 and still single icon_neutral.gif

    Then we walked to Zara and oh my god he would not shut up about girls.

    I don't know what was happening in my gay brain but I blurted out "What if I had no interest in girls because i'm playing for the other team?"

    Billy: "What are you talking about?"
    Billy: "You like guys?"
    Me: "DO NOT TELL ANYONE"
    Billy: "That you're gay?"
    Billy: "Hahaha you're just playing with me"
    Billy: "Swear to god you're not kidding? That's disgusting"
    Billy: "You're playing me"

    I told him that I was just kidding.

    So we left the mall and went to go eat.

    We met up with his brother and he was kidding around calling both of us gay then freaking BILLY blurted out "No that's just Amer, he just came out of the closet an hour ago. He told me"

    I wanted to punch him so bad but I didn't want to cause a scene.

    I told him I was just kidding and we never spoke of it again.

    I don't know what to do. This guy is probably going to tell everyone else and i'm still closeted. If my parents were to ever find out, then i'll be kicked out of the house.

    Unbelievable.

    I just wanted to rant thanks for listening.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 5:00 AM GMT
    My theory is:

    Some 22 year old guys can get hostile about the G-word and they want to say "gay" pejoratively. MSM (men who have sex with men) is a little less threatening to someone who might be definitely straight or a little more inclined to experiment before defining themselves as gay.

  • Apr 01, 2016 5:07 AM GMT
    i hear ya, man. i'm still in the closet with my family. in fact, i haven't had much experience with having sex with men.

    i hope this works out for the best in the end for you and doesn't blow up in your face.

    peace to you.
  • Relajado

    Posts: 409

    Apr 01, 2016 2:07 PM GMT
    Uff I was criinging!!

    Also your cousin is a homophobe - anyone who calls it disgusting is NEEVER gonna accept it.

    First, you brought this on yourself from a rash outburst. Surely you know by now to nod along and give vague replies? If you would get kixcked out for being gay, well there is NO need for that aggro. Make up some girl you met but that you just arent popular with girls like at all - but that's ok as you're waiting till after college as you wanna focus on your studies.

    Second, problem at hand: say he was pissing you off and makin you feel like a loser because you have no success eith girls and he has loads of attention, so you said first thing you could think of to shut him the fuck up. The other option say was to punch him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 2:52 PM GMT
    Your profile does not say verified but you have a verification picture.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 4:47 PM GMT
    Just say, "April Fools, fool! Now let's go get some poon."
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 01, 2016 5:02 PM GMT
    I know you're scared, but are you quite sure your parents will react so unlovingly? It might be time to think it through and not just replay the tapes of your childhood. My partner (of 9 years) felt sure his dad would never speak to him again but it all turned out fine. You may be right and if you're still dependent on your folks, just don't say anything and maybe it will blow over. But seriously, one goal you should establish in your life is to never feel so scared of others ever again. And the only way to achieve that is to be out and confident. Good luck, guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 5:17 PM GMT
    Unfortunately you have to be my age before you realize that what other people think of you absolutely does not matter. What is tragic is when you build your life around what others think and then they change their minds. Yeah, their opinions do not have an more validity then your own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 6:13 PM GMT
    That wasn't accidental. Just sayin'
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 6:29 PM GMT
    Being in the closet is scary mostly because you have no power in there. It took some of us decades to figure that out. If you blurted out that you were into guys to your cousin... good for you dude! Your soul just stood up for you and said "shut the fuck up and get over it" to someone. That is your power. Don't give that power away to ANYONE INCLUDING YOUR FAMILY. You may choose to FORGIVE your family for ignorance, but don't choose to tolerate their ignorance as it leaves delayed scars. Let your soul stick up for you again and again when you encounter stupid or hateful comments.

    Nobody can tell you how or when to come out. But what helped me to come out was self-visualization. I visualized myself as this confident, courageous guy who made his own rules for his life. And then the following quotes helped me to be that guy...

    “Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.” Meg Cabot

    "Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

    Good luck my brotha.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Apr 01, 2016 7:53 PM GMT
    The op is only 19 years old. Most people have to be older than that before they learn how to handle difficult situations well and effectively. Certainly it is a mistake for one to out himself to his parents before becoming financially independent unless there is good reason to expect acceptance, but what's done is done.

    At this point it may be that the op's best way to deal with it is to claim to be unsure of himself and to say that he intends to avoid all close relationships until he fully understands himself. There are other possibilities. Meanwhile he could perhaps get his cousin to shut up by telling him that people are more than bodies and that he should be more concerned with his girlfriend's character and personality than with her body. He could remind him of that every time his cousin goes on and on about his girlfriend's body. If his cousin attacks him, either orally or physically, he should tell him that it's sick and disgusting to treat people as nothing more than a body.

    Note that for his ethnicity he states "middle eastern". He also has an Arabic sounding name. In the part of the world from which his parents come, hostility towards gay persons is quite common. Thus his fear of his parents' reaction is rational, especially if they are Muslim which is a possibility.
  • Relajado

    Posts: 409

    Apr 01, 2016 8:22 PM GMT
    The poster above me is right.

    Do not take these stupid life is an episode of Glee posts seriously. It's not. And you are not financially dependent. You know better how your parents will reqct. Is it a Muslim family?
  • tbandj

    Posts: 5

    Apr 01, 2016 10:34 PM GMT
    It seems like there was already some great advice given already. I wish I could be more help, as I have not had a similar experience and really wouldn't know how to react. The only thing I am sure of is that you have to come out when you're ready.

    Hope everything goes well. Wishing you much luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 11:55 PM GMT
    swimmersf saidThat wasn't accidental. Just sayin'


    No kidding! We all want to be honest.....it's just a matter of finding relatives you can open up to. The last time I tried to hide it, it lasted all of about 30 seconds.

    I was in New Zealand visiting (very) extended family via my grandfathers brother (deceased) and his side of family tree. My "aunt", 2nd cousin twice removed....or something like that. Of course "Are, or wer you married?" came up. I was out of practice in the he/she switching LOL. It's just so much easier to come out. Honesty feels so much better.

    She and her husband are totally cool. Better than my US relatives!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2016 1:37 AM GMT
    What da heck dude?

    Someone background is Middle Eastern, doesn't mean that person is a Muslim. icon_rolleyes.gif Don't judge Middle Eastern people that way without knowing that person's religion.
  • aalawand

    Posts: 5

    Apr 02, 2016 2:36 AM GMT
    shortgreenfern saidi hear ya, man. i'm still in the closet with my family. in fact, i haven't had much experience with having sex with men.

    i hope this works out for the best in the end for you and doesn't blow up in your face.

    peace to you.


    Yeah I'm still like 100% extra 'virgin' olive oil. Haven't even kissed a guy so I guess he thinks it's disgusting that I have wet dreams about dudes haha
  • aalawand

    Posts: 5

    Apr 02, 2016 2:38 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI know you're scared, but are you quite sure your parents will react so unlovingly? It might be time to think it through and not just replay the tapes of your childhood. My partner (of 9 years) felt sure his dad would never speak to him again but it all turned out fine. You may be right and if you're still dependent on your folks, just don't say anything and maybe it will blow over. But seriously, one goal you should establish in your life is to never feel so scared of others ever again. And the only way to achieve that is to be out and confident. Good luck, guy.


    If they threaten to kick out my brother because he was talking back, I'm 99% sure they'll kick me out for being attracted to guys.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Apr 02, 2016 3:00 AM GMT
    It's time to make a plan. I don't see any immediate threat of you being homeless, but nevertheless it's time to work toward your independence. Relying on conditional love is no way to live.

    Start saving money, work part time if you're going to school, or work full time if you're not. Know what you're going to do in the event your parents find out. At 19 you're a young adult who can make it on his own if necessary.
  • JackNNJ

    Posts: 1051

    Apr 02, 2016 3:26 AM GMT
    A no-brainer. You'll have to kill him.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Apr 02, 2016 5:01 AM GMT
    Lots of good points above and few that need questioning. OP, you will have to sort them out for yourself.

    If it comes up again, you could say to Billy: "Look man, you were driving me crazy talking about this girl and you weren't talking about her in a very respectful way. I was trying to come up with something to shut you up so I said, "What if..." That was dumb. I should have just told you to shut up, OK?

    If he goes on about you being gay you can say that you really did not say that, you said "What if..."

    Billy needs to realize that not everybody wants to talk about girls all the time.

    Another way you might have reacted is, "Billy, I can tell you are all hung up on this girl, but she is not MY girl, so how about talking about something else before I go crazy!"
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Apr 02, 2016 5:28 AM GMT
    If you feel your safety - and peace of mind - depend on your not being "outed," then stick with the "I was kidding."
    Normally, I wouldn't go for that, but then I'm 3x your age, came out at 12 to my parents (in the early 60s - without any harsh word or condemnation) and never thought of it twice. Your situation is different and you must always consider your safety, which at age 19, is legitimate.
    Say nothing. If your parents come to you, stick with the "he was so annoying, I'd say anything to get him to shut up. All he was doing was talking about girls' body parts, and it was so disrespectful, I needed him to stop talking like that." Don't go any further. See how they react, and remain cool. Do NOT sweat, or act any differently towards your cousin. No so much as a harsh word, or he'll know you're scared, and he'll guess WHY you're scared.
    Your culture is not exactly forward - thinking in general about homosexuality (mine is only somewhat, and I'm part Black), so you don't want the world to come crashing down. Just as Blacks would be quiet and polite around Whites in the 20th century, you need to make sure you feel safe, so stay quiet.
    It is clear you wanted to say something: I don't think outing yourself is an accident, but you need to think faster on your feet from now on. So keep it quiet, don't change your behaviors towards anyone, or even engage them if they bait you. For now, you need your anxiety to subside. But if you are in college and they have a mental health center, you need to head there pronto, because you need someone safe you can discuss this with without fear of retribution.
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    Apr 02, 2016 3:25 PM GMT
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Apr 03, 2016 2:01 AM GMT
    Nimrod saidWhat da heck dude?

    Someone background is Middle Eastern, doesn't mean that person is a Muslim. icon_rolleyes.gif Don't judge Middle Eastern people that way without knowing that person's religion.


    I don't know whether it is I to whom you are referring. However, here is what I wrote: "Thus his fear of his parents' reaction is rational, especially if they are Muslim which is a possibility."

    Note that I did not state that they are Muslim. I simply mentioned it as a possibility.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2016 9:23 PM GMT
    I agree with your cousin.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Apr 04, 2016 10:21 PM GMT
    FRE0 said.... Meanwhile he could perhaps get his cousin to shut up by telling him that people are more than bodies and that he should be more concerned with his girlfriend's character and personality than with her body.....


    ..right....that doesnt confirm a 19 yo as a queer...lol.