Do you ever tell guys off or call them out when you've gone on just a couple dates and they start playing games and acting dumb?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2016 10:41 PM GMT
    There's a guy right now who I'm toying with possibly telling off. But something in me just doesn't have the energy to even bother.

    the type of stuff I'm talking about: you guys meet, have a great or good time...maybe stay in touch here and there, but within a couple days or weeks the games start rolling in. Suddenly the interest seems to turn to total disinterest.

    There 2 sides of this. On the one side, I hate when I meet someone and there no chemistry at all...or maybe I haven't even gotten to meet them. And then they come off all crazy, blowing up my phone, calling me fake, saying I'm like everyone else, etc. that stuff I don't like. And there's a guy who is doing that to me now...but it's not like we had sex or kissed or anything. We met once, he lied about his age, and I just wasn't feeling him. I coulda possibly seen him as a friend, but with that kind of attitude, I don't know.

    On the other hand, there's another guy who I did click with...the chemistry was off the hook even before we met and just hit it off perfect when we did. Us living in different towns could be playing a part in the evasivness, but a couple times I've mentioned let's connect again, or ask him where He stands on things. He just don't reply to the message and won't say anything until days later on something different. I wanna call him out. But I feel it's kinda needy to get mad at someone you only met once or twice. I don't even like the idea of giving them that powwer of control.

    Thoughts? I will say, I am looking at myself as well...some of these guys we hooked up, and maybe hooking up is not a good idea when you first meet. So lately, I've been considering not even letting guys come over or vice versa cause its too tempting. But then, when you don't have sex, and just try to have a casual hi and goodbye meet... it usually means chemistry isn't there on either sides. And that's no guarantee either. Or, if they pushing and i ain't ready, I've had times where i wish I'd of gone for it.
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    Apr 02, 2016 2:44 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 saidBut then, when you don't have sex, and just try to have a casual hi and goodbye meet... it usually means chemistry isn't there on either sides.


    You can't force chemistry. It's either present of not regardless of sexual history.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Apr 02, 2016 5:50 AM GMT
    There is such a thing as saying, "I'd like to see you again. What about you?" That signals intent, and interest. Or maybe a lingering goodnight kiss, like straight men do with women. You needn't go whole hog the first time, and assume if you don't have sex, they'll think you don't like them. Say it! "You have sexy skin." "You are fun to be with."
    And telling a guy off after he seems right but cools down? No. Some guys like you until you like them back. It's called insecurity: they think, "if he gets to know me, he'll reject me," so they reject you first. It's a common issue in guys who are insecure. Just recognize the signs and pull back. It's not necessary or even your right to tell them off. It IS your right to not call again or ask for another date, and if they then ask why, you say, well, based on what felt like you becoming distant, I thought you didn't want to see me again.

    It's simple: a healthy guy likes you, shows it, and doesn't pretend. Less healthy guys have emotions, and reactions that make you think "huh???" all out of proportion to the amount of time they've known you (or the number of dates you've had), play emotional games (called "the dance," in older days: you advance, and he retreats. Then you retreat and he tries to hook you again). Avoid this dynamic. Be polite, but not encouraging.

    Actions speak louder than words, and if the words and actions don't match, don't pursue. And don't get angry. The way you handled your last relationship/date is a predicator on how you will handle the next encounter/date/relationship.
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    Apr 02, 2016 10:04 AM GMT
    True dat times 2.

    Well, just to be clear...when I say "call them out, or tell them off"...I don't mean nothing stupid. No profanity, no blame or anything. Trust me, I've done that when I was younger and I had to do a lot of reading and research to get to the point I am now where I can move on. It's taken years.

    I'll give a little secret: I used to cry sometimes when guys who I thought were so good for me would would do shit like this. And they were cry babies too about their personal bullshit that I let them cry on my shoulder on. Yet they wouldn't give me the same. I've not shed a single tear over a guy in going on a year. I used to do it every few months. It's not that I'm cold or heartless...but most of them aren't worth it. I don't let myself get that deep into emotions anymore either...and also seeing my ex being a crybaby made me realize it's not productive to cry actual tears over trivial shit.

    BUT...I do still a lil annoyed and confused here and there. So when I say call someone out, i mean to question or comment on their incongruency to maybe make them be accountable and to give some clarity to the situation. it don't even need to be mean and dramatic. Just like, "hey...you were saying one thing last week, but today you not saying anything. Tell me what's happening that I need to know, and maybe I can determine whether it's time to move on".

    But nope. Guys are too FUCKING PUSSY to even respond genuinely to that.
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    Apr 02, 2016 1:19 PM GMT
    I have never dated a game player. You can easily figure that stuff out in emails or chat. Walk away from the flakes and phonies.
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    Apr 02, 2016 1:37 PM GMT
    just put your pants on and leave
    fucking dont look back
    dont say anything
    exit plan baby.
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    Apr 02, 2016 1:54 PM GMT
    SirAndy said
    You can't force chemistry. It's either present or not regardless of sexual history.

    QFT. Either the magic is there, or it's not. Call it vibes or whatever. Try to quantify it and define it like a college paper with compatibility lists, still ain't gonna do you no good.

    In my experience, I either sense it inside me or I don't. And defining why is a waste of my time, because it's not gonna change anything.

    And that's OK, 'cause he's doing the same thing himself with me. And maybe it's me who doesn't make his heart beat a little faster. But every now & then you both click, and then it works.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Apr 02, 2016 1:57 PM GMT
    After viewing your mile long threads I know your problem. You talk too much and these guys lose interest. A man listens three times more than he speaks. Give it a try.
  • South_Howler

    Posts: 46

    Apr 02, 2016 2:11 PM GMT
    mybud saidAfter viewing your mile long threads I know your problem. You talk too much and these guys lose interest. A man listens three times more than he speaks. Give it a try.


    I'm sorry, but how is he talking too much about this or anything for that matter? He gave two examples of different situations, also gives examples about listening to some of his former partners who apparently talk their good share themselves.

    I don't see how what you wrote by "A man listens three times more than he speaks" is applicable in his situation.
  • leanandclean

    Posts: 268

    Apr 02, 2016 2:34 PM GMT
    No.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Apr 02, 2016 3:30 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 saidTrue dat times 2.

    Well, just to be clear...when I say "call them out, or tell them off"...I don't mean nothing stupid. No profanity, no blame or anything. Trust me, I've done that when I was younger and I had to do a lot of reading and research to get to the point I am now where I can move on. It's taken years.

    I'll give a little secret: I used to cry sometimes when guys who I thought were so good for me would would do shit like this. And they were cry babies too about their personal bullshit that I let them cry on my shoulder on. Yet they wouldn't give me the same. I've not shed a single tear over a guy in going on a year. I used to do it every few months. It's not that I'm cold or heartless...but most of them aren't worth it. I don't let myself get that deep into emotions anymore either...and also seeing my ex being a crybaby made me realize it's not productive to cry actual tears over trivial shit.

    BUT...I do still a lil annoyed and confused here and there. So when I say call someone out, i mean to question or comment on their incongruency to maybe make them be accountable and to give some clarity to the situation. it don't even need to be mean and dramatic. Just like, "hey...you were saying one thing last week, but today you not saying anything. Tell me what's happening that I need to know, and maybe I can determine whether it's time to move on".

    But nope. Guys are too FUCKING PUSSY to even respond genuinely to that.


    Okay. Thanks. Sounds like you're clear enough about their behavior.
    As for the other poster saying your posts are too long, my thinking is that guys who say that are not communicators. And in my experience, when you have to pull teeth to get information from a guy, he's usually on the emotionally immature side. So, if that's what you're dealing with (emotional immaturity) and you want to get to it quicker, here's what is recommended by therapists: ask about their relationship with their family: parents and siblings.
    They don't like the parents/siblings? Usually there will be a hole in the heart and considerable emotional insecurity and problems connecting with others.

    They Love them? A better sign of them being able to connect. There are always exceptions, but it's the quickest route to finding things out. As an example, Madonna's mother died at an early age, she didn't get along with dad. Sean Penn + Guy Ritchie = stand ins for dad, whom she didn't get along with. Hence the tendency to go for the wrong guys. And she suffers from insecurity and self absorption.
    As I said before, when a guy's nice for the first two dates, and then becomes distant, it frequently means he realizes you like him, and he's scared about that: he doesn't know how to move a relationship forward, so he sabotages it. Meet the guy, have fun, ASK QUESTIONS and listen to the answers. Otherwise, you will repeat this process over and over. And my knowledge of this is more on the professional side than the personal, although I've had a few guys who exhibited this behavior in my personal life. Knowing what it meant, I politely departed. By the way, these guys know what they're doing when they're becoming distant. They just don't know any other way to do it. And they won't until they get into therapy. Meanwhile, you could become bitter over it. I hope you won't. Unless you're leaving something out (you're mean, overly aggressive, push too hard) it really isn't you: it's them. Try to have some sympathy for them: they don't mean to hurt you, they just know no other way to behave.
  • Stainless88

    Posts: 4

    Apr 02, 2016 3:59 PM GMT
    mcbrion said
    FuzzyPecs28 saidTrue dat times 2.
    As I said before, when a guy's nice for the first two dates, and then becomes distant, it frequently means he realizes you like him, and he's scared about that: he doesn't know how to move a relationship forward, so he sabotages it.


    Or it simply means that he spent a few dates getting to know someone and was aware enough to know it wasn't quite a match. That's what dating is, after all. It doesn't necessarily mean he's psychologically distraught (I feel like that's a silly conclusion).
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Apr 02, 2016 4:23 PM GMT
    South_Howler said
    mybud saidAfter viewing your mile long threads I know your problem. You talk too much and these guys lose interest. A man listens three times more than he speaks. Give it a try.


    I'm sorry, but how is he talking too much about this or anything for that matter? He gave two examples of different situations, also gives examples about listening to some of his former partners who apparently talk their good share themselves.

    I don't see how what you wrote by "A man listens three times more than he speaks" is applicable in his situation.
    Look at all his posts, He goes into every detail. I'm just saying that if he does this with his boyfriends...TALKS, TALKS, TALKS, it would drive them crazy, it would me. Sometimes we need to do more listening than talking...Sometimes answers are lost cause you refuse to SHUT UP.
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    Apr 02, 2016 4:25 PM GMT
    Real simple. The dudes are simply not into you.
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    Apr 02, 2016 6:00 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidReal simple. The dudes are simply not into you.


    Ok, let's just be clear. I want to clear this statement once and for eternity. I KNOW when a guy isn't that into me. You meet on first time, no sex, no kiss...and then you never meet again. I've had that happen...but it doesn't happen often (almost like they make you feel you don't look like your pictures, or at the club they're running to finding their friends. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a guy who makes the first move (key #1 sign of interest), the attraction is CLEARLY there, and then you'd still communicating and possibly even meeting again after the first time you meet.

    mybud said
    Look at all his posts, He goes into every detail. I'm just saying that if he does this with his boyfriends...TALKS, TALKS, TALKS, it would drive them crazy, it would me. Sometimes we need to do more listening than talking...Sometimes answers are lost cause you refuse to SHUT UP.


    Ok, on the one hand you're kinda right...on the other hand you're being a penis about it. I don't TALK TALK TALK. but, there's times where I've send a long text message or (3). But it wasn't nothing deep and heavy. Just regular conversation that seems long because it's being delivered by text instead of voice.

    Like for example, with the one guy...I sent him a couple messages asking what he feels about an out of town friendship (relationship) because he lives across country..,but I live right now in his hometown where his parents and family are. I also asked about his moving to LA next month, and tried to basically ask if this is something that he's open to because I know that it doesn't work for everyone. But he's a flight attendant. There's no reason why it couldn't work out. No response. And the two times he's been on the phone, it's always like a few minutes but like he in the middle of doing something. Mind you...this is a guy who made the first move with me, and we hit it off well.

    I guarantee, if I were to really look for something and find it....I would 100% of the time find out dudes who are playing these games are likely seeing someone else, or trying to see someone else. It never fails. Because I've HAD it happen before and I ACTUALLY asked a guy once....we met on a date, he blew me off for no apparent reason. But then we had mutual friends and ended up crossing paths IN PERSON again. I asked, why you was doing all that? He's like, "oh I was seeing someone at the time." This guy was already seeing someone but meeting people on the side. Couldn't even say it.

    Do you know this guy had a underwear line, and was a dancer. I never bought anything from him. And I took him off my Facebook. Not to be bitter or petty, but I wouldn't want to give anybody like that my money.
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    Apr 02, 2016 6:07 PM GMT
    mcbrion said
    Okay. Thanks. Sounds like you're clear enough about their behavior.
    As for the other poster saying your posts are too long, my thinking is that guys who say that are not communicators. And in my experience, when you have to pull teeth to get information from a guy, he's usually on the emotionally immature side. So, if that's what you're dealing with (emotional immaturity) and you want to get to it quicker, here's what is recommended by therapists: ask about their relationship with their family: parents and siblings.
    They don't like the parents/siblings? Usually there will be a hole in the heart and considerable emotional insecurity and problems connecting with others.

    They Love them? A better sign of them being able to connect. There are always exceptions, but it's the quickest route to finding things out. As an example, Madonna's mother died at an early age, she didn't get along with dad. Sean Penn + Guy Ritchie = stand ins for dad, whom she didn't get along with. Hence the tendency to go for the wrong guys. And she suffers from insecurity and self absorption.
    As I said before, when a guy's nice for the first two dates, and then becomes distant, it frequently means he realizes you like him, and he's scared about that: he doesn't know how to move a relationship forward, so he sabotages it. Meet the guy, have fun, ASK QUESTIONS and listen to the answers. Otherwise, you will repeat this process over and over. And my knowledge of this is more on the professional side than the personal, although I've had a few guys who exhibited this behavior in my personal life. Knowing what it meant, I politely departed. By the way, these guys know what they're doing when they're becoming distant. They just don't know any other way to do it. And they won't until they get into therapy. Meanwhile, you could become bitter over it. I hope you won't. Unless you're leaving something out (you're mean, overly aggressive, push too hard) it really isn't you: it's them. Try to have some sympathy for them: they don't mean to hurt you, they just know no other way to behave.


    Oh...you're hitting the nail directly. Now...part of my research over the years have mentioned what you say. The relationship with the family. I'm very aware about how that dynamic works. Now...with the particular guy I mentioned, he seemed to have a good relationship with his family. But I never met them so I don't know the dynamic.

    But otherwise, what you're saying about guys shutting down is so true also. I'm trying to ask the questions, but sometimes I try to refrain from asking them on the first meet or before meeting especially...and try to atleast make sure it's going somewhere. Like, I could ask, "what are your relationship goals?" But if I don't know anything about the guy beyond a profile, that guy may not even be suitable for that. But I guess it won't hurt to ask.
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    Apr 02, 2016 8:36 PM GMT
    There are guys out there for everyone. Keep working on yourself, make yourself interesting, keep an open mind and don't stop meeting people until you find that guy who is as interested in you as you are with them. I think what you're going to run into is that guys are initially into your looks and body and are curious about you (at first). Based on your posts (I am totally assuming) you come across as being dominant and externally anxious. If I'm right, you might unconsciously exude a "this was great what's next for us?" kind of vibe to your dates... where your dates may need way more time to absorb things and determine how they feel. This isn't a bad thing and may just be a compatibility flag that you're overlooking.

    The other thing is that guys have to be able to see what's in it for them... socially, emotionally, recreationally, sexually. If I might make a suggestion, how about dating with a goal of winning him over as a friend or more versus a goal of getting him to hang out with you again? It's a different approach that requires months of patience and a longer term focus on understanding and getting to know him.

    Lastly, sometimes when you are looking for companionship the most is when you should be dating the least. I know it sounds counterproductive, but how you feel has a way of leaking itself into your actions and communication. You may come across as being a bit clingy or myopic at times as a result. Or you might appear desperate or uptight versus being a good catch for any guy. Do guys ever say, "You're a really good guy... I hope we can hang out again?" If you don't hear that often, that could be a sign that you're not putting your best foot forward. Even douchebags tend to verbally acknowledge a good guy when they see one though they may not know what to do with one.
  • REBEL_YELL

    Posts: 34

    Apr 03, 2016 1:02 AM GMT
    Shut them out, just say sorry, I will not play your games...I am better than that...CYA
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Apr 03, 2016 3:11 AM GMT
    Let it go and move on. He clearly has....and you're here on RJ trying to get people on your side. icon_rolleyes.gif Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 03, 2016 2:06 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 saidThere's a guy right now who I'm toying with possibly telling off. But something in me just doesn't have the energy to even bother.

    the type of stuff I'm talking about: you guys meet, have a great or good time...maybe stay in touch here and there, but within a couple days or weeks the games start rolling in. Suddenly the interest seems to turn to total disinterest.

    There 2 sides of this. On the one side, I hate when I meet someone and there no chemistry at all...or maybe I haven't even gotten to meet them. And then they come off all crazy, blowing up my phone, calling me fake, saying I'm like everyone else, etc. that stuff I don't like. And there's a guy who is doing that to me now...but it's not like we had sex or kissed or anything. We met once, he lied about his age, and I just wasn't feeling him. I coulda possibly seen him as a friend, but with that kind of attitude, I don't know.

    On the other hand, there's another guy who I did click with...the chemistry was off the hook even before we met and just hit it off perfect when we did. Us living in different towns could be playing a part in the evasivness, but a couple times I've mentioned let's connect again, or ask him where He stands on things. He just don't reply to the message and won't say anything until days later on something different. I wanna call him out. But I feel it's kinda needy to get mad at someone you only met once or twice. I don't even like the idea of giving them that powwer of control.

    Thoughts? I will say, I am looking at myself as well...some of these guys we hooked up, and maybe hooking up is not a good idea when you first meet. So lately, I've been considering not even letting guys come over or vice versa cause its too tempting. But then, when you don't have sex, and just try to have a casual hi and goodbye meet... it usually means chemistry isn't there on either sides. And that's no guarantee either. Or, if they pushing and i ain't ready, I've had times where i wish I'd of gone for it.


    ha ha ha the life of a single man. i never tell anybody off because for me it's not a big deal for me. if you aren't interested than so be it. if i am not interested i will just say so.
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    Apr 03, 2016 2:22 PM GMT
    Life's too short to put up with bullshit.
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    Apr 03, 2016 2:28 PM GMT
    mcbrion said
    FuzzyPecs28 said


    Okay. Thanks. Sounds like you're clear enough about their behavior.
    As for the other poster saying your posts are too long, my thinking is that guys who say that are not communicators. And in my experience, when you have to pull teeth to get information from a guy, he's usually on the emotionally immature side. So, if that's what you're dealing with (emotional immaturity) and you want to get to it quicker, here's what is recommended by therapists: ask about their relationship with their family: parents and siblings.
    They don't like the parents/siblings? Usually there will be a hole in the heart and considerable emotional insecurity and problems connecting with others.

    They Love them? A better sign of them being able to connect. There are always exceptions, but it's the quickest route to finding things out. As an example, Madonna's mother died at an early age, she didn't get along with dad. Sean Penn + Guy Ritchie = stand ins for dad, whom she didn't get along with. Hence the tendency to go for the wrong guys. And she suffers from insecurity and self absorption.
    As I said before, when a guy's nice for the first two dates, and then becomes distant, it frequently means he realizes you like him, and he's scared about that: he doesn't know how to move a relationship forward, so he sabotages it. Meet the guy, have fun, ASK QUESTIONS and listen to the answers. Otherwise, you will repeat this process over and over. And my knowledge of this is more on the professional side than the personal, although I've had a few guys who exhibited this behavior in my personal life. Knowing what it meant, I politely departed. By the way, these guys know what they're doing when they're becoming distant. They just don't know any other way to do it. And they won't until they get into therapy. Meanwhile, you could become bitter over it. I hope you won't. Unless you're leaving something out (you're mean, overly aggressive, push too hard) it really isn't you: it's them. Try to have some sympathy for them: they don't mean to hurt you, they just know no other way to behave.


    McBrion is spot on with his advice!

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Apr 04, 2016 7:45 AM GMT
    24hourguy saidLet it go and move on. He clearly has....and you're here on RJ trying to get people on your side. icon_rolleyes.gif Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?


    OK, I'm about to tell YOU off lol. Let's be clear. First off, I'm not trying to get anyone on RJ on any fucking side. I don't give a damn. I'm just asking people how they would approach the situation. Everyone knows I really don't care who's on my side, if time comes to pop off I'm gonna POP!

    Just kidding. But yes, I have moved on. As far as him moving on, well there's nothing to move on from so what the fuck you talking about? He moved on before we even met because he moved from the town I currently live in, before I even knew he existed. He was just here visiting family. But, because he works for an airline, distance shouldn't be an issue.

    He's not responding because I can guarantee he's got some other black ho he's fucking with out in Cali. I know how these fucking slut monkeys operate.
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    Apr 04, 2016 8:14 AM GMT
    woodfordr saidOr you might appear desperate or uptight versus being a good catch for any guy. Do guys ever say, "You're a really good guy... I hope we can hang out again?" If you don't hear that often, that could be a sign that you're not putting your best foot forward. Even douchebags tend to verbally acknowledge a good guy when they see one though they may not know what to do with one.


    Here's the truth: Many of these guys do all the right forms of communication...at the start. When they want some dick or ass, they're on their best behavior. And yes, I get plenty of guys who say they want to see me again, as I will explain below:

    one4u2c saidI have been there. I won't go into details, but let's just say don't call him out just yet, because you guys are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. Sometimes people are really distracted and don't have the time, when you want them to make time. Give it a little longer, and if he continues to slack on returning messages and calls, move on. He may not be as interested as you are.


    I agree. I try to give space, time and benefit of doubt because I'd want the same. But, I have a story for everyone...and I want everyone to listen good.

    I decided to call the guy out. I didn't curse him out, I was very nice about it. But I basically said (not verbatim), "Based on you not returning my messages/phone calls, it seems like this isn't something that's going to work, but thanks for the time we shared anyway. I'm moving on". Again, I didn't say that verbatim, but it was pretty much that tone with different words.

    Well, that closure helped ME to get out and meet some other guys who were getting at me. I had a date Saturday night. You know how I said guys who act shady usually 100% of the time mean they fucking around with someone else? Well guess the FUCK what? My "date" on Saturday night, first time meet...I seen him outside kissing another guy friend of his. Like kissing-kissing. Did I get mad? NOPE. Did I call him out? Yes. BUT...the whole time he was out being messy for 45 minutes, I seen another guy I liked at the bar and hit it off with him, right in front of him.

    But guess what happened next? My original date explained the situation to me about the other guy is kinda "intermittent". I won't go into details because it's a bunch of bullshit, but use your imagination. It's like they never hangout, but when they see each other...they wanna get lovey dovey. Even though he is 100% on red flag alert warning, I still did my own thing and spent his money in the process. I didn't get all crazy and fight because that's not even necessary. Plus, I don't fight over White guys, or any guy for that matter, but especially White guy. White guys seem to almost like the idea of that...but I learned that ad-naseum years ago and I don't even feed into that stuff. I just told him, don't have me out here looking crazy because I'm new in town, and you might have a reputation that may make me look bad...and I don't need that. However, we spent the night and left off on a good note...BUT, after all that, I did NOT want to get into no sex. We jerked off but I didn't let either of us cum. Something about the male brain changes after he cums so it was best that neither us did. He does want to see me again, but I have to think looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong and hard about what kind of trouble he could end up being, even though he's very generous, courteous and like infatuated about me.

    Meanwhile, I met up with the OTHER guy today over daytime brunch and shopping. Was fun as shit. So, it just goes to show...#1 telling a guy off is a good form of closure for some, and #2 when they start acting like a GODDAMN FOOL..go to the VERY next available guy. Works every time. And many times, I've come out better that way than spending time with their dumb ass.