How is a gay relationship to survive in this day and age?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 10, 2016 4:15 PM GMT
    I am new here and wanted some advice. I feel really discouraged. I have always been the kind of guy who just wants ONE guy and who is happy to be monogamous, and grow older with my guy. After all I still think that a successful relationship, straight or gay, survives only on mutual trust but also interests and becoming almost like friends that share a great deal of things, not to mention the sex, and not the boring sex, the kind of sex where you end up all sweaty.

    But Like I said, I am disappointed because my relationship feels as though it is crumbling. I might be a bit overdramatic but I really like guys to show me affection and my guy calls me clingy if I ever want to hold his hand or give him a kiss. I was ok before but when we met, he made me feel so free, he kissed me out of the blue in the middle of a street once, and used to hold my hand for seconds and that would send a rush down my spine. Today, almost two years after, if I ever attempt that I get instantly told no. As for the sex, I love sex. Who doesn't? But it bugs me that...yes we met on Grinder...but things then seemed so exciting. But it's almost as he doesn't want to keep that excitement going. I have tried being flirty on texts, sending him nudes...all I get is a "LOL!" or "Oh wow" and INSTANTLY the convo turns, say to "what is there for dins". I wish we could just do it rough because who doesn't want to have hot sex? I feel like he wants it but he seeks for it in porn or looking at other people who he thinks "oh yeah I'd give him one" maybe? I don't know what goes on in his head.

    I feel like he is bored of me, of the way we "do" it and maybe he is wishing he had something exciting but i am trying to make it exciting. I just don't know what to do anymore. This means a big deal for me, my last boyfriend who eventually cheated on me told me I was boring. I don't really like the gay scene, I like going out for meals, or a browse, maybe a drink once in a while but not clubbing like he does. He moved into my house, and he says I nag because I ask him to put his dirty clothes in the washing bin, to clean after himself...I have to clean and wash everything. I feel unappreciated but when I try talking about it I am being clingy and "we have already discussed this". I feel like most gay guys are this way.

    I find it hard to hear when he points out other good looking men to me too. I feel like I'm worth nothing, and I sometimes cry over it. It makes me hate the gay scene where eyeing others out or flirting with them is acceptable. All I want is a man to want me as much as I want them. I feel really awful at times because I start building walls and telling myself he is camp, obnoxious, annoying, and he is nearly 33! But I just do it because I feel like it won't hurt if he decides to leave. I am the typical guy. Not camp but I wouldn't call myself a "bro". I really like photography and fashion. I would like to ask you guys, what is your take on this? Should I leave him?
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    Apr 10, 2016 8:01 PM GMT
    Communicate and have an honest conversation. If it goes south then leave and be patient for something you feel is better. Easier said than done but if there's no mutual respect, or at least understanding, then I can't imagine it'll carry on well.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Apr 10, 2016 8:05 PM GMT
    Flyguy18 saidCommunicate and have an honest conversation. If it goes south then leave and be patient for something you feel is better. Easier said than done but if there's no mutual respect, or at least understanding, then I can't imagine it'll carry on well.
    No one is going to give you better advice than this../thread.
  • mitshoo

    Posts: 76

    Apr 10, 2016 8:16 PM GMT
    It sounds like you could do better. But remember: the idea of a honeymoon "phase" is a useful concept. At first, in any relationship, it's going to be a rose-colored world. But that will eventually fade and newness wears off. That will happen in ANY relationship between any two people who are humans. So for any relationship to work, this one or another, you will have to have a way to connect with something other than the excitement of something new. Quite frankly, from what you have said here, I think that comes naturally to you, but maybe not to him. You might actually want different things. But like Flyguy18 said, you'll have to talk about it to find out if that's actually true.

    P.S. The comments on how hot other guys are sound really manipulative and degrading to you. No bueno.
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    Apr 10, 2016 9:37 PM GMT
    What you want is important. What he wants is also important. Like others have said, you should have a discussion about your needs. When you talk, don't approach it as if he is in the wrong or that you're in the right or say things like "in normal relationships..."etc. You relationship is what you two decide it will be.

    Try to go into it asking questions with the purpose of understanding how he thinks and what he wants and why? For example, how does he want to and want you to show affection so it doesn't feel clingy? And also express your needs and your thoughts. If you're not compatible then unfortunately, you might need to take a break from each other.
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    Apr 10, 2016 9:46 PM GMT
    Being a little flirtatious can be fun. Do it together and don't get jealous. In San Diego, most of the guys stare and look at each other.
    They even stare harder when a hot gay couple might be holding hands or kissing. It's erotic so don't get to prudish. Set some boundaries and go for long walks and other fun activities. Holding hands can be fun and a good prelude to more sexual foreplay. Try not to get too emotional or sensitive about things. Show confidence and respect. Now, re approach him and see what he thinks? You'll be fine!
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    Apr 10, 2016 10:04 PM GMT
    jackjack said
    I am new here and wanted some advice.

    Welcome, newbie!

    "...All I want is a man to want me as much as I want them.

    ...Should I leave him?"

    When I found gay love, after 2 failed straight marriages, I finally discovered what real love is. To quote a Native American character from the Hollywood movie Little Big Man: "My heart soars like a hawk."

    That never happened before I came out. And it hasn't happened with every gay guy I've met. Only you know when it happens to you.

    And if that feeling is not returned, then you move on. You're describing a situation where it may not be returned. Only you can determine that, not us.

    This may be a dead-end relationship. Most of us experience false starts. So do straight guys with women, BTW. This is nothing surprising. It's the normal "cost of doing business." Do you have any idea have many failures many of us had to go through before we found "Mr. Right"?

    So if it isn't working, you cut the ties, clear the decks, maybe take a little time off, and then you plunge right back in. That special guy is out there waiting for you, you just gotta work a little to find him. As he does for you. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 11, 2016 12:23 AM GMT
    Thank you so much for the comments so far. They have made me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel with a little work, although I am slightly prepared in case the light is more like a fire.

    It is important to communicate with each other. He is away on a work trip at the minute but comes back Tuesday. I am building up the courage to talk to him. I feel like a girl with all these feelings but it is important to me. I don't really like to flirt with others especially if I have a boyfriend whom I like focusing on. Perhaps this makes me boring. I don't think I would be happy in a relationship where we are allowed to flirt away. Flirting leads to "connections" and however short there may be, they can be confusing thus making trouble in a relationship. I value my partner and the effort I put into getting with him.

    I don't mean to have a honeymoon relationship I just want to know I am still wanted, because if I'm honest I feel worthless when I try to look nice, make an effort, and instead my partner mentions how nice others look or his eyesight follows other men. It hurts me.

    Thanks for the comments, I am grateful you guys took the time to reply to my post so far.
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    Apr 11, 2016 1:04 AM GMT
    Wow, sorry to hear this mate. There is always a honeymoon period, but it doesn't have to end. It sounds like you have been communicating with your partner, only to be dismissed. Effective communication is essential. Keep the communication lines open about how you feel, and listen to his reasoning as well. Once you have both sides on the table, come to a common ground. It just saddens me that today, people throw away relationships at first signs of trouble. If you'll continue to not find a common ground, maybe it's time go make yourself available for someone whom is more understanding to your needs. Lots of luck and hugs to ya.

    Cheers mate,

    Sean
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    Apr 11, 2016 2:59 AM GMT
    Yeah, it sounds like he's tired of banging you. All that clingy stuff is cute in the beginning when he's still excited about fucking a new piece, but it wears thin over time. Have you considered going open or inviting a third (or more) into the relationship? I lean more towards poly, but I'm currently trying the open thing for the first time, and I think it can work as well with the right understanding in place. Men aren't designed for monogamy, definitely not gay men. With all the sites and apps, we're really all just options at any given time (even in relationships). Putting the pressure of monogamy on top of that reality seems almost like setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Explore your options!
  • ndsu36

    Posts: 30

    Apr 11, 2016 5:46 AM GMT
    So question your clinginess is it do because your hobby is your man? Do you have time go out with friends and or entertain yourself with out your man.
    BORING can be interpreted in many ways,in the bed, personality, habbits, interactions. So just be aware of how much your investing in him cause when your jealous, paranoid, and self concious can hurt u more than understanding him with out talking to him. It ok to do things with out him and have a life out side n of your boyfriend. Hopefully, changing some roles like who makes dinner on certain days, I'm going out with friends, n invited some company.
    Clingy, is when you have a guy n you miss him n you want to express your love, attention and give 100% overwhelm him. even though he just got home from a long day at work, dhit may have hit the fan, so looking for a meal, and bed. See what he does if you don't text him all day ? Good luck with real conversation.
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    Apr 11, 2016 6:26 AM GMT
    You might try marriage (couples) counseling, if they have that in England. (You don't have to be "married" to benefit - just being a couple.) It can be helpful to have an impartial counselor to get you to tell each other what you both want and need.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2016 7:07 AM GMT
    Sorry, reality is people in general love to cheat. To the point they have that thing called open relationships. Romanticism, sadly maybe dead.
  • Benz4756

    Posts: 8

    Apr 11, 2016 11:43 AM GMT
    Have been there my friend.
    It will rest heavily on what each of you both view as the glue that will keep you together. If you accept his ways and he yours then it might work but it sounds like you both are looking for different things. Trust or the lack thereof can be tough on a rocky relationship. Initial affection is not always a road map to sustaining love and like anything else in life relationships need maintenance and nurturing otherwise they die. Couselling and an honest talk between you two is a good start before it gets rockier.
  • tommykent

    Posts: 1

    Apr 11, 2016 2:16 PM GMT
    It took me 3 relationships which I thought were the "love of my life" and dating several other guys before I finally met and really fell in love with my soul mate. It was worth all the trial and error because when I finally found it we both knew it and we were committed to each other, loved spending time together, and the sex was good. I will admit the sex changed some over the years but was still very satisfying and frequent.

    I remember struggling a lot trying to decide if I should stick with earlier relationships. Eventually I realized I needed to move on. I still love those guys and we have remained friends but we just were not in the same place. I also stopped looking and focused on my interests, friends, and work and when I eventually met Rob and we clicked. I was very settled in my life and able to allow the relationship to work.

    So gay relationships do work. You can find someone to grow old with. It is not necessarily easy but worth the time.

    Sadly when you find it other things can enter in. After 8 years I lost the love of my live to pancreatic cancer but I do know that had it been 8 or 80 years it would have made no difference. I loved him and he loved me. No amount of time would be enough and the time we had was complete.




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    Apr 11, 2016 3:05 PM GMT
    It really depends on what your beliefs on homosexuality are...

    the purpose of a hetero relationship is to build a family. There are other reasons to, but that is what we're hardwired for. Obviously homosexuals can't procreate naturally, and even though adoption and in vitro are viable options, it still doesn't biologically register in your mind the way it does when you're with someone who can actually give you offspring. Think about how many kids men would have if homosexual procreation were possible; that would automatically force people to stick around and get to know each other more, and lay out a foundation for real relationship potential. The only sure focus homosexuality offers is sex, which is why our culture is inundated with it.

    If you want my honest opinion, the only romantic kind of connection you can truly have with a man without seeming a bit irrational on a pragmatic level, is a very strong and loving friendship with sex included. It is obvious since that's what any relationship is, but people place so much expectation on their other half when in reality life is more so about making yourself happy first and foremost, and then reaping the many benefits that come your way upon doing so. People tend to skip step one and become shocked when step 4 hasn't happened yet.
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    Apr 11, 2016 4:26 PM GMT
    jackjack said... I like going out for meals, or a browse, maybe a drink once in a while but not clubbing like he does. He moved into my house, and he says I nag because I ask him to put his dirty clothes in the washing bin, to clean after himself...



    your perfect now change
    Forget the sex (or not); you need to have a practical list of must haves from your partner. Decide what you are willing to give up and what you need and talk to him. Best of luck.
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    Apr 11, 2016 4:31 PM GMT
    tommykent saidIt took me 3 relationships which I thought were the "love of my life" and dating several other guys before I finally met and really fell in love with my soul mate. It was worth all the trial and error because when I finally found it we both knew it and we were committed to each other, loved spending time together, and the sex was good. I will admit the sex changed some over the years but was still very satisfying and frequent.

    I remember struggling a lot trying to decide if I should stick with earlier relationships. Eventually I realized I needed to move on. I still love those guys and we have remained friends but we just were not in the same place. I also stopped looking and focused on my interests, friends, and work and when I eventually met Rob and we clicked. I was very settled in my life and able to allow the relationship to work.

    So gay relationships do work. You can find someone to grow old with. It is not necessarily easy but worth the time.

    Sadly when you find it other things can enter in. After 8 years I lost the love of my live to pancreatic cancer but I do know that had it been 8 or 80 years it would have made no difference. I loved him and he loved me. No amount of time would be enough and the time we had was complete.






    Thanks for this. Very inspiring.
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    Apr 11, 2016 4:46 PM GMT
    CODY4U saidYeah, it sounds like he's tired of banging you. All that clingy stuff is cute in the beginning when he's still excited about fucking a new piece, but it wears thin over time. Have you considered going open or inviting a third (or more) into the relationship? I lean more towards poly, but I'm currently trying the open thing for the first time, and I think it can work as well with the right understanding in place. Men aren't designed for monogamy, definitely not gay men. With all the sites and apps, we're really all just options at any given time (even in relationships). Putting the pressure of monogamy on top of that reality seems almost like setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Explore your options!


    More of this "men" aren't designed for monogamy bullshit. So many of us gay guys have suddenly become certified scientists and we claim to now know all the interworkings of the male brain. In reality we're just cherry picking bits of information that's convenient to our desires. There's absolutely nothing wrong with consenting adults engaging in polygamy, open, or closed relationships. Just own the reasons why you feel that way and own the consequences instead of making excuses about how men were designed. Because if you're going to go there you'll have to note all the other things that we're not designed for beginning with anal sex.
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    Apr 11, 2016 8:22 PM GMT
    woodfordr said
    CODY4U saidYeah, it sounds like he's tired of banging you. All that clingy stuff is cute in the beginning when he's still excited about fucking a new piece, but it wears thin over time. Have you considered going open or inviting a third (or more) into the relationship? I lean more towards poly, but I'm currently trying the open thing for the first time, and I think it can work as well with the right understanding in place. Men aren't designed for monogamy, definitely not gay men. With all the sites and apps, we're really all just options at any given time (even in relationships). Putting the pressure of monogamy on top of that reality seems almost like setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Explore your options!


    More of this "men" aren't designed for monogamy bullshit. So many of us gay guys have suddenly become certified scientists and we claim to now know all the interworkings of the male brain. In reality we're just cherry picking bits of information that's convenient to our desires. There's absolutely nothing wrong with consenting adults engaging in polygamy, open, or closed relationships. Just own the reasons why you feel that way and own the consequences instead of making excuses about how men were designed. Because if you're going to go there you'll have to note all the other things that we're not designed for beginning with anal sex.


    There is nothing in my original post that implies anything more than my opinion, just as your reply is your opinion. However, monogamy is super rare in the animal kingdom, and humans seem to have great difficulty with it as well, so I don't think monogamy is natural at all.

    Now what is your scientific basis for stating the human body isn't designed for anal sex? Seems a bit homophobic. It's a hole, and a dick can fit in it.
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    Apr 11, 2016 8:34 PM GMT
    jackjack saidI am new here and wanted some advice. I feel really discouraged. I have always been the kind of guy who just wants ONE guy and who is happy to be monogamous, and grow older with my guy.

    Ignore all the bad advice from the guys saying to open up your relationship. These guys don't understand that there are actually people out there who prefer monogamy and don't understand that their bad advice is useless to someone like you.

    You just need to have a thorough, honest talk with your boyfriend. Explain exactly what you're written here: you don't understand why you can't kiss in public anymore, explain how it makes you feel when he talks about how hot other guys are, explain that you feel the sex is getting stale. There is a LOT that can be done about that besides ending your relationship (or opening it up).
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    Apr 11, 2016 10:26 PM GMT
    CODY4U said
    woodfordr said
    CODY4U saidYeah, it sounds like he's tired of banging you. All that clingy stuff is cute in the beginning when he's still excited about fucking a new piece, but it wears thin over time. Have you considered going open or inviting a third (or more) into the relationship? I lean more towards poly, but I'm currently trying the open thing for the first time, and I think it can work as well with the right understanding in place. Men aren't designed for monogamy, definitely not gay men. With all the sites and apps, we're really all just options at any given time (even in relationships). Putting the pressure of monogamy on top of that reality seems almost like setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Explore your options!


    More of this "men" aren't designed for monogamy bullshit. So many of us gay guys have suddenly become certified scientists and we claim to now know all the interworkings of the male brain. In reality we're just cherry picking bits of information that's convenient to our desires. There's absolutely nothing wrong with consenting adults engaging in polygamy, open, or closed relationships. Just own the reasons why you feel that way and own the consequences instead of making excuses about how men were designed. Because if you're going to go there you'll have to note all the other things that we're not designed for beginning with anal sex.


    There is nothing in my original post that implies anything more than my opinion, just as your reply is your opinion. However, monogamy is super rare in the animal kingdom, and humans seem to have great difficulty with it as well, so I don't think monogamy is natural at all.

    Now what is your scientific basis for stating the human body isn't designed for anal sex? Seems a bit homophobic. It's a hole, and a dick can fit in it.


    Thank you. You've proven my case that you're not really using any real facts and that you're just cherry picking to support what you believe.
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    Apr 12, 2016 4:27 AM GMT
    woodfordr said
    CODY4U said
    woodfordr said
    CODY4U saidYeah, it sounds like he's tired of banging you. All that clingy stuff is cute in the beginning when he's still excited about fucking a new piece, but it wears thin over time. Have you considered going open or inviting a third (or more) into the relationship? I lean more towards poly, but I'm currently trying the open thing for the first time, and I think it can work as well with the right understanding in place. Men aren't designed for monogamy, definitely not gay men. With all the sites and apps, we're really all just options at any given time (even in relationships). Putting the pressure of monogamy on top of that reality seems almost like setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Explore your options!


    More of this "men" aren't designed for monogamy bullshit. So many of us gay guys have suddenly become certified scientists and we claim to now know all the interworkings of the male brain. In reality we're just cherry picking bits of information that's convenient to our desires. There's absolutely nothing wrong with consenting adults engaging in polygamy, open, or closed relationships. Just own the reasons why you feel that way and own the consequences instead of making excuses about how men were designed. Because if you're going to go there you'll have to note all the other things that we're not designed for beginning with anal sex.


    There is nothing in my original post that implies anything more than my opinion, just as your reply is your opinion. However, monogamy is super rare in the animal kingdom, and humans seem to have great difficulty with it as well, so I don't think monogamy is natural at all.

    Now what is your scientific basis for stating the human body isn't designed for anal sex? Seems a bit homophobic. It's a hole, and a dick can fit in it.


    Thank you. You've proven my case that you're not really using any real facts and that you're just cherry picking to support what you believe.


    The very same thing could be said for your anal sex comment. You're trying very hard to argue when it's not necessary. My comments are all opinions unless I've indicated otherwise, just like everyone else. Maybe you're still holding on to some feelings over a past comment or discussion? Get a life, buddy.
  • PTNoge

    Posts: 58

    Apr 12, 2016 4:49 PM GMT
    mybud said
    Flyguy18 saidCommunicate and have an honest conversation. If it goes south then leave and be patient for something you feel is better. Easier said than done but if there's no mutual respect, or at least understanding, then I can't imagine it'll carry on well.
    No one is going to give you better advice than this../thread.


    Exactly, tell him what you just told us.
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    Apr 12, 2016 7:05 PM GMT
    jackedgamer said
    jackjack saidI am new here and wanted some advice. I feel really discouraged. I have always been the kind of guy who just wants ONE guy and who is happy to be monogamous, and grow older with my guy.

    Ignore all the bad advice from the guys saying to open up your relationship. These guys don't understand that there are actually people out there who prefer monogamy and don't understand that their bad advice is useless to someone like you.

    You just need to have a thorough, honest talk with your boyfriend. Explain exactly what you're written here: you don't understand why you can't kiss in public anymore, explain how it makes you feel when he talks about how hot other guys are, explain that you feel the sex is getting stale. There is a LOT that can be done about that besides ending your relationship (or opening it up).


    +1

    Cheers,

    Sean