Latent memories and feelings of depression

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 16, 2016 3:32 PM GMT
    SO I'm still single, and in university surrounded by vicious, catty gay guys who want nothing more than to gossip and spread vitriol and the only time thye're silent is when they're sucking on someone's dick.

    I'm pretty convinced I'm ugly. Even though I've gotten a bit bigger and changed my hair and have people tell me that I just take bad photos I'm not ugly I look really good in person but I don't believe them

    I know relationships aren't something to look for, but when I'm with friends I just feel like a reject. I have very good looking friends (model good looking. Some o them are models, in fact) so I feel inadequate, and fat (even though I'm skinny) and like an absolute reject because they're tlaking about their love lives and I have nobody who thinks that I'm worth the tie of day.
    The only thing I want is to have one man look at me and think that I'm handsome, and to be in a relationship. I want to know someone thinks that I'm worth something.

    I felt so depressed I've just been constantly tired, and I as I was tearing up a bit in my room I had a flashback

    I was fifteen, been out for six months. Been bullied been harrassed been gossiped about but I thought that someone out there would love there.
    I went to my friend's house, and then we went to go chill with her ex whom she was on good terms with. Later, the landlord walked in . He was a tall, fat man. He started talking about how much he loved this one boy who was fifteen and he spent three years in jail for "loving the bloke"
    He got drunk, backed me into a corner, and told me to lift up my shirt. And when I said no, he insisted and I relented. He started kissing my hands and arms and feeling my stomach and chest, and neck. I couldn't do anything. I was petrified. My friend's ex had to buy cigarettes. She was pleadin with him to stop (She is a small girl) and the landlord's boyfriend sat there and di nothing. He got beaten by the landlord regularly. He was as meek as a puppy. He was just touching me. All over my torso. He kept telling me how beautiful and handsome I was and how attractive I was and how he liked my eyelashes (I have long eyelashes. Looks like I use revlon mascara but i don't).
    That was the only time a man had ever called me handsome, or beautiful, or attractive enough to initiate anything with me. That's the only "experience" I've ever had, other than blatant rejection. Al of these university students know what they want form their relationships and I still have a childish and romanticised view of a relationships because I've never been with anyone. And I don't want to have a relationship based on sex. But I feel like that's the only type of relationship I can ever have,

    I've just been very depressed about this. I just want to be someone to someone. You know? I'm tired of having to hear how everybody else is so bombarded by potential love interests and all I have to say, or think about, is some old Afrikaans man touching me and calling beautiful and smelling like cheap wine and sweat.

    I don't know what response I'm expecting
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Apr 16, 2016 4:04 PM GMT
    You have to believe you are worth something, and don't look for validation from others.

    You should be confident in what you have to offer and look to improve yourself for the sake of yourself, not others.

    That way you will be a happier person, not willing to settle for someone, but you can look for someone that matches up to YOUR standards.

    I'd rather be alone and happy in myself than with someone and miserable.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Apr 17, 2016 3:49 PM GMT
    You have described your situation in a most eloquent way. If you read this yourself you ought to be impressed by the writing of a 19 y.o. even if it is yourself. So, there is quite a bit more to you than your looks alone and the vitriolic environment that surrounds you.

    Getting your love life sorted out is something that usually requires quite some planning and a very careful execution, too. Most people I know would never want to admit this and would love to propagate some sort of wonderful Cinderella stories in which they got all and everything they have always wanted to without any apparent effort on their part... Yet, the truth is very different.

    Having tons of female friends is cool. Just do not overdo the good thing. Think of a guy who may be interested in dating you. If he sees you hanging out MASSIVELY with your female friends he is likely to get turned off. Mostly because few guys want to cope with the classical cock blocks, and even fewer gay dudes would want to contemplate any form of common future that would include a few of your female friends being a part of it. You want to hunt down your man. Leave the female entourage behind.

    Dating market IS a market. Again, relatively very few people would want to admit this. But this is how the world functions. Putting your best foot forward is what this is all about. Being one of the very many out there is NOT your best option. We all pose and try to look like the next, hopefully successful guy when we are 19. The sooner you develop a more defined look, a better rendition of your personality the better your chances are. In real life, authentic and genuine looks usually trump the classical ideal of beauty if the beauty is not genuine.

    Relatively very few qualified guys really crave to be in a serious relationship with someone who is a recognized model. True, many men want them for a night or two but very few would seriously consider trying to keep them. If a guy is so good-looking that he could, at least, theoretically have anyone he wants, why would you want to commit yourself to the footwork needed to keep him for yourself for any significant length of time?

    Your environment is NOT your destiny. Do your work at school, drop the guys and the girls who are taxing your time, and look around for someone who may be a good BF material.

    SC

  • RainBow_Drago...

    Posts: 337

    Apr 17, 2016 4:36 PM GMT

    It doesnt matter how ugly or good looking you are, i have no sympathy for a guy with unrealistic beauty standards.
    However, i will say most people think physical looks are the only reason they cant get a date. No. Its fitness, happiness, posture, ability to engage, sense of humour, intelligence, confidence etc etc which are just as important.

    I have gone through some of your pictures, and you are not ugly at all. However, there are a bunch of other things i think you'll need to work on, which might require some painful self-analysis.
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    Apr 17, 2016 7:11 PM GMT
    the gay dating pool is limited and gay men seem to have a quirky odd mind set. You should expect it will take time to find that relationship.

    I you are say the kick boxer in the house look for a partner who is the musician in the house. Find a mutual respecting situation but allows you to EXPAND your preferences. Expose your self to different hobbies, organizations.

    Research from a clinical end what would make you a happier person. Serious there is professional information out there. The fix may not be romance but figuring how to love your self.

  • interesting

    Posts: 573

    Apr 19, 2016 3:00 AM GMT
    Don't know how much my experiences and advice would help you, but I was in a similar position, we all would like to feel attractive in someone's eyes. Why not go out and just have fun, in my case, I became a bit promiscuous, but it was a very tame phase.

    Really, that made me feel better, it made me realize there were some guys out there who were attracted enough to me to hook up with me (in reality, they may have just been looking for someone to stick it in), but in my mind, they were attracted enough to me and that made me feel a bit better. Those experiences really boost my self-esteem, it made me more confident to try other things. Don't get hung up in the fairy tale of meeting the perfect guy to go crazy with, because that's really only a fairy tale. But just stay safe and really meet as many guys as you can, you don't have to go home with all of them, just feel them out.
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    Apr 19, 2016 4:49 AM GMT
    Try to look outward on life and remove yourself from negative thoughts. You can do it. Give it time.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 21, 2016 2:37 PM GMT
    pellaz saidthe gay dating pool is limited and gay men seem to have a quirky odd mind set. You should expect it will take time to find that relationship.

    I you are say the kick boxer in the house look for a partner who is the musician in the house. Find a mutual respecting situation but allows you to EXPAND your preferences. Expose your self to different hobbies, organizations.

    Research from a clinical end what would make you a happier person. Serious there is professional information out there. The fix may not be romance but figuring how to love your self.



    I expose myself to different people and am able to relate to almost everyone

    I am a kickboxer, and do capoeira now. I now how to play the piano and am extremely well read concerning almost anything under the sun and have a penchant for writing and literature.

    So I am fit
    I am smart
    I am musical
    I am able to relate to others

    I'm not promiscuous in the least.
    I would rather have someone I could have an intellectual conversation with and possibly (this is wishful thinking) spar with, as opposed to a regular sex buddy

    But all the guys I meet are vapid, shallow airheads who only think with their dicks. I just feel very sad to think that i"ll either be forced to live with them or become one of them
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    Apr 21, 2016 2:59 PM GMT
    ^ WOW! All that and still can't find your Prince Charming?! What are mere mortals to do?!
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    Apr 21, 2016 3:01 PM GMT
    First of all, as someone else mentioned, you should be proud that you're able to express your feeling via writing. Not everyone has this ability and it will prove to be important in your future.

    Okay, so just my humble opinion....it doesn't matter what you look like in this world...some people will never be attracted to you. Even devastatingly good looking people get rejected all the time. Some people will reject you based on your race, your age, your eye color, your build....you name it. BUT....you have to love who you are and rock that shit like a fucking rock star. I don't mean with a bitchy attitude, but with an air of confidence and self love. And yes I know you probably don't love yourself right now or you wouldn't be writing this, but you can learn to love yourself by "Fake it Till You Make it." It actually works and I know because that's how I got out of my self pity when I was your age. And speaking of age, it's practically normal to feel this way at 19. I'm sure you feel like an adult but you're such a baby still. You have so much to learn and experience, but you just have to sit back and relax and allow yourself to develop without being so overly critical of yourself.

    Some things I noticed from your pics: It seems all of your friends are girls, which isn't a bad thing but it can affect how you behave and express. You're dressing more like a girl than a dude, and if that's what you're going for that's great. But just know that most gay men are attracted to men who look and act like men. So express yourself however you like but just know there will be a price to pay if you're wearing stripped leggings on your arms. icon_biggrin.gif But seriously, that alone could drive away the guys in droves. Sometimes it's the little things we do that turn people off.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Apr 22, 2016 11:16 AM GMT
    ^ the majority of my friends are girls!

    But I have a lot of straight guy friends. Two or three of my closest friends are guys, but they're all straight guys. I get along with straight guys really well. They tend to be more sincere. The only conflict that arises between myself and a definitive category of people is between me and other gay guys, who I usually end up detesting and vice versa

    I do have two gay friends who I spend a considerable amount of time with. They're dating, however. They're the only 2 gay guys I ever spend time with because they're interesting people, not just walking sex drives.
    But they're dating, and they make a cute couple. They're the first gay male couple I've ever seen. And surprisingly enough, the spark that instigated our friendship and their relationship was our shared disdain for gay men and gay culture and "community".