Children

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 17, 2016 2:53 PM GMT
    So I have two biological kids of my own. I love them to death. I worry about how my lifestyle will affect them. Not that I think being gay is wrong but I know that many gay men don't want kids and therefore I think about being alone and not being able to provide them with a good family upbringing.
    Do any of you have children who could offer me some words of wisdom? If you don't have kids how would you feel about dating a man who has children?
  • interestingch...

    Posts: 694

    Apr 17, 2016 6:43 PM GMT
    I don't have any kids but I think that if you see anyone in a romantic sense then you need to be very careful in who and when you introduce them to your kids because unfortunately most gay guys aren't in it for the long haul and only want a fling. Having that kind of disruption in their lives could be harmful to them, kids need stability, I would give the same advice to straight people with kids too but gay guys have a bad reputation for cheating and only wanting sex, trust me you don't need that kind of drama in your life or theirs and i'm sure they don't want to see their dad upset multiple times. You don't want them resenting your relationships so be cautious who you let into your life. Good luck and hope that helps.
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    Apr 17, 2016 8:59 PM GMT
    I have one kid who is grown, and I was married to her mom for about half of her childhood. I'm very glad that I have a child and I never feel resentful about having her, although you'll find that as they get older they do things that can really piss you off. You learn a lot about yourself and your own limitations as a father.

    As a gay dad you're a rare breed and I would think you have as much in common with straight parents as you do with gay men. If I were in your situation I would look for groups of gay parents, regardless of gender, and also single parents, regardless of sexual orientation. You might check out Parents Without Partners. You need to find men and women who are going through the same thing as you.

    I'm sure there are guys who would consider having children a plus in dating, San Diego is not a backwater and there are a lot of different types of men there. You could even venture up to OC or Palm Springs (or maybe LA). So it's not a big deal if someone doesn't want to date you if you have kids, especially since you are very happy with the choice you've made.

    Also if you don't live near extended family that you feel close to you might want to consider moving so you could give your kids the chance to feel like part of a larger family group.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 17, 2016 10:25 PM GMT
    I have a couple of grown kids who turned out fine and also straight. I think you would find that the minute you had kids, all other interests and needs would dissolve and they would become your main focus to the exclusion of everything but possibly your job, and that would be to make sure you can provide for them. So what happens? You get just like every other family. You set up rituals and regularity in your and their lives and you spend all your free time watching over them. I loved it and would do it again in a nanosecond although the needs of a baby are possibly beyond me at this point.

    As to how other guys would perceive you, I think there are tons of guys out there looking for exactly that. Maybe not guys in their 20's but thirties and up, yeah, plenty. And they're probably the kind of guys you like anyway if kids is important to you. Swimmer^^^ made some excellent points.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 17, 2016 11:23 PM GMT
    To adequately give you an answer one needs to know how old your children are and what do you mean by lifestyle? What lifestyle are you envisioning for yourself. There is no one "gay lifestyle."

    Oh, and are you still married to their mom and contemplating divorce?
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    Apr 17, 2016 11:55 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidTo adequately give you an answer one needs to know how old your children are and what do you mean by lifestyle? What lifestyle are you envisioning for yourself. There is no one "gay lifestyle."

    Oh, and are you still married to their mom and contemplating divorce?

    My children are 4 and 1 1/2. Unfortunately I am going through a very nasty divorce with their mom even though I tried and continue to try to do the right thing by her. I have a boyfriend of 1 year. Yes this divorce has dragged on this long. He loves kids and is great with them. We have had major struggles with our relationship due to the divorce and personality differences. I don't know what I want right now. I'm Hornier than fuck all the time because I finally found sex that feels correct. My boyfriend and I have had major stuggles in the sex department, basically it has been sexless for 8 months. I don't want the sex to blind me to the most important thing which is my children. I just really don't know what a "gay lifestyle" is or should or shouldn't look like.
    Fantasy of mine would to have a man who would love my kids as much as I do and we would raise them together and go camping together. I would have lots of passion and love with him. And we would fulfill our dreams with each other. Sex would be effortless and we would fulfill each other in that department too. I know life isn't always so perfect however and everyone has to compromise in life.
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    Apr 18, 2016 2:33 AM GMT
    First of all your lifestyle should look like what you want it to look like. There is no gay lifestyle. There is only your lifestyle.

    Your first priority and responsibility is to your children and should remain so until they are raised to adulthood. No compromise there. Everything else is secondary. Sorry, that is the choice you made whether consciously or not. They didn't ask to be born. They are your responsibility alone. Yes, it will be great if you find a guy who loves you and your children but finding someone shouldn't be your first priority. Your kids are.

    Now on to you boyfriend and sexless relationship. Dump him. Focus on getting your life sorted out. Get the divorce finalized. Work out the visitation with your children. No men at your place when you have them over for your visitation rights. Do not introduce your kids to any of your boyfriends until you know that one man you want to build a future with and you and he have discussed your life together. Keep separate households. After introducing your kids to your special guy and your kids have known him for at least a year then you and he can discuss combining households if you two so choose.

    Good luck to you.
  • Hugh_Jass

    Posts: 14

    Apr 18, 2016 3:23 AM GMT
    Most of my gay friends have children from past relationships and they do just fine. Even though they children are older (15 though 27) they support them and know that their father (and mother) is gay.

    I definitely will accept a person who had a kid cause that dick made a baby, that dick gave life and that dick will give you life lol Jk.
  • Aldente

    Posts: 22

    Apr 18, 2016 6:37 AM GMT
    I don't mind dating a guy with children, I get along with kids well.

    It's difficult to raise your kids alone, you will need to give extra efforts; you are their father, their mother and even their hero.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2016 7:09 AM GMT
    ^ His wife isn't dead. She'll probably get primary custody and he'll see them every other weekend.
  • Aldente

    Posts: 22

    Apr 18, 2016 8:10 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said^ His wife isn't dead. She'll probably get primary custody and he'll see them every other weekend.


    Silly OP, if the kids are gonna be under his (ex)wife, then he need not to be worry too much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2016 12:00 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said^ His wife isn't dead. She'll probably get primary custody and he'll see them every other weekend.

    Actually I'm more likely to get primary custody as she's proven to be unstable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2016 12:16 PM GMT
    Don't let your current dysfunctional relationship skew your perception. There are plenty of gay guys out there who would love a family but feel like it's something they will never get - with you, they would.

    I think you should seriously consider ending your current relationship and finding someone more compatible. As long as you are open and honest about having kids when it looks like things could be going serious with a guy then that's all you need to do initially - as others have said, don't introduce the kids to boyfs too soon, before you know whether they are a keeper. It doesn't sound like your current one is though.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Apr 22, 2016 3:00 AM GMT
    I am gay father of three children with two ex-wives and a long term boyfriend.

    It can work. Take cues from your children. My boyfriend moved into the family role when the children showed that they wanted it; one by one - it took one child 3 month and it took one child 3 years. Our turning point was one 4th of July when we all went out to his country house and enjoyed the time in his environment.

    As a gay parent I am really lucky that everyone gets along so well. I cam home from work recently to see my love feeding a second bowl of homemade soup to one of my ex-wives. The kids pick up when the adults are authentically happy with each other.

    It took about five years with both ex wives to get to a point of total and absolute acceptance. I love them both still in a non-sexual way and I feel love in return. That is so important to my children because they know and understand at 9, 11, and 15 years old.

    The kids benefit from everyone making it work; I wish you and your children all the happiness in the world.
  • TombRaider

    Posts: 94

    Apr 23, 2016 12:01 AM GMT
    If I was single I wouldn't mind if the person I dated had kids, I would like to know on the first date but I wouldn't mind at all. It just depends on the person. Also being (gay) is not a lifestyle it's just who you are. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2016 9:06 AM GMT
    Thank you for everyone's input. It really helps to hear success stories from other gay Dads.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2016 9:14 AM GMT
    One4u2c saidUnless he adopted the kids or used a surrogate, then I could never date a man with biological kids who had sex with woman to have children. It would be a constant reminder that he was not authentically gay.


    Oh and I have had people message me warning me about you and how you are a troll and what not. Personally you brightened my early morning when I read this post because it just made me laugh. Authentically gay LMAO.
    I'll say this. I'm never going to be that rainbow flag waving, pride float rider. I'm also probably never going to feel that I belong to a gay community. I'm 35. I've lived another life, it's just not that important to me. I could definitely understand someone who is 18, 20 years old might find their place that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2016 9:29 AM GMT
    Words of wisdom: You live in Cali (I'm 70 miles north of you right now, in Wildomar - near Temecula - in the boonies). This is the most accepting state of all that I've experienced. If you feel inadequate to raise kids here, then you really need to work on yourself, cause nobody else gives a fuck what sexuality you are.

    Oh and one of my coworkers may take a SD contract this summer. He's openly bi. Maybe we should all get together for dinner one night. icon_biggrin.gif
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Apr 23, 2016 9:55 AM GMT


    I don't have kids and am not planning to but i will say about anything that is important to you and your identity (as being a good father should be) is that you can only do so much and can only do what you can.

    No matter what type of parent you are, you are going to fuck your kids up in some way, it's going to happen. No matter what type of parent you are, life is going to fuck your kids up in some way, it's going to happen. I wouldn't stress too much about what being gay or single or other things you can't control might do or not do to your kids. Just do the best you can reasonably do to provide for them and pay attention to them. If you help them figure out how to learn for themselves, they'll likely be able to fix any damage you are doing! lol