I thought we had a shot....


  • Apr 18, 2016 12:08 AM GMT
    So this will probably be the longest post I will ever place here. I just need some advice/encouragement; but first, let me tell you what I'm dealing with:

    I was talking with this guy, we will call him Charming, (because let's be honest he was) we met on Scruff, that should be my first red flag there - right? Charming is 46, was very sweet to compliment me on the depth of my profile and my character. He seemed to have a great head on his shoulders so we decided to meet. We ended up taking his dogs to the park (they are so cute) and then went back to his place to talk. He was very well-mannered, well-read and articulate, I definitely became infatuated with him rather quickly, (We sent several - more than 100 - text messages before meeting in person)

    I enjoyed his company and the feeling seemed to be mutual - we seemed to like a lot of the same things, and after that first initial meeting I thought if we wanted to take it slow and see if something would produce fruit from it, we could.

    Even at 23, I feel I've been alone for a long time - and I know a lot of you will say you are young, date around, play the field, but I guess I'm old fashioned.

    We kept talking trying to plan something for today. I got a text from him at 4:17 PM EDST pretty much saying that he hadn't been "gay" for long and didn't deny he was gay at all but said this lifestyle was not meant for him.

    Why do people feel like this is turning off a switch?
    Should I offer to be there if he needs any advice, guidance?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 18, 2016 12:20 AM GMT
    Be his friend if you want but DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!

    You're enamored with him. You'll fall hard and be devastated after you have sex with him and he dumps you.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 18, 2016 12:22 AM GMT
    No. He is so far from being able to be a good partner to you that you should cut off all contact. He needs to get his act together and stop being a scared baby. I can understand someone being in the closet but this guy needs to grow some balls. You can do much better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 18, 2016 1:26 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidBe his friend if you want but DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!

    You're enamored with him. You'll fall hard and be devastated after you have sex with him and he dumps you.


    This! This! This! Also, when people are stepping out of there comfortzones, they get cold feet oftentimes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 18, 2016 1:48 AM GMT
    woodfordr said
    UndercoverMan saidBe his friend if you want but DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!

    You're enamored with him. You'll fall hard and be devastated after you have sex with him and he dumps you.


    This! This! This! Also, when people are stepping out of there comfortzones, they get cold feet oftentimes.


    When I first came out my first reaction was terror: "Holy shit! What have I done?" I wanted to retreat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 18, 2016 1:59 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidBe his friend if you want but DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!

    You're enamored with him. You'll fall hard and be devastated after you have sex with him and he dumps you.



    ∆ This is good advice.
  • Kinneticbrian

    Posts: 230

    Apr 18, 2016 11:58 AM GMT
    You've just run into one of the things it took me some years to figure out, and that is this: Chronological age and what I'll call "relationship maturity" have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

    Clearly, if he's 46 and just now venturing out of the proverbial closet, he can be expected to be no further along than a 16 year old who only recently came out in terms of relationship maturity (and capacity).

    Yes, he can be very charming, articulate and well read and seem to have his life very much together. Socially he's probably very sophisticated and on a strictly platonic level, very capable. But put him in the arena of a same-sex emotional, sexual and physical relationship and all of that vanishes because to him, and to some extent, realistically, the world becomes a totally different place.

    It's not that he'a a bad guy or deliberately trying to hurt you, but he might inadvertently do so if you allow yourself to become emotionally, romantically or sexually involved with him. In this case, you're far more stable and mature in your world than he is in his own.

    Heed the great advice of the others who offered it here, as difficult as it may seem. Better things are right ahead for you. Take stock of yourself and realize you're a sincere, handsome guy with a lot to offer. Find or allow yourself to be found by someone who compliments that - not who drags on it or damages it.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 18, 2016 4:47 PM GMT
    Kinneticbrian saidYou've just run into one of the things it took me some years to figure out, and that is this: Chronological age and what I'll call "relationship maturity" have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

    Clearly, if he's 46 and just now venturing out of the proverbial closet, he can be expected to be no further along than a 16 year old who only recently came out in terms of relationship maturity (and capacity).

    Yes, he can be very charming, articulate and well read and seem to have his life very much together. Socially he's probably very sophisticated and on a strictly platonic level, very capable. But put him in the arena of a same-sex emotional, sexual and physical relationship and all of that vanishes because to him, and to some extent, realistically, the world becomes a totally different place.

    It's not that he'a a bad guy or deliberately trying to hurt you, but he might inadvertently do so if you allow yourself to become emotionally, romantically or sexually involved with him. In this case, you're far more stable and mature in your world than he is in his own.

    Heed the great advice of the others who offered it here, as difficult as it may seem. Better things are right ahead for you. Take stock of yourself and realize you're a sincere, handsome guy with a lot to offer. Find or allow yourself to be found by someone who compliments that - not who drags on it or damages it.

    Well put. Maybe I was a bit harsh. But I went through the mid-life coming out and never treated anyone like that. A grown man should have some perspective even if he's scared. I have had it happen to me once. Met a guy, we had dinner, some sex, all good. The next meet he cancelled on some really bad pretext at the last minute, then did it again announcing that he didn't want to live a gay lifestyle and tell his (grown) daughter. Or maybe it was sister. A grown man should be able to sort that out before involving others.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 18, 2016 5:40 PM GMT
    johnnytheginger said... We sent several - more than 100 - text messages before meeting in person...
    my partner and i sent a quarter million texts that is we were together for 6 years before we got married. just saying its more difficult than you would think

    the old peeps i meet seem to think identifying as gay or straight is important. The younger citizens just dont care. In the end YOU got to go with the one that loves you the most.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Apr 18, 2016 8:29 PM GMT
    The truth is sometimes more complex than we would like it to be.

    Both of you have invested some time and energy into getting together at some level. It has all worked out fine, at least, from the OP's point of view.

    Suddenly, the other guy (much older, etc., etc.) turns off the switch? He is not prepared to lead a gay life, though he has no problem in admitting that he is gay?

    Meeting the OP, and even dating him does NOT have to imply leading a gay life that fits into the sets of well-described gay lifestyle stereotypes. This is why the OP sees the proverbial 'red flag'.

    There is no harm in being supportive of the fellow human being in need. If he needs your support he'll reach out to you. You have got a life to live and turning off the switches on you is really not topping your wish list, is it?

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 3:52 AM GMT
    There's also the possibility he just wasn't into you and it was a fabricated excuse to end it. Chalk it up to experience and move forward.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 4:39 AM GMT
    Don't bother even thinking about him anymore. Clearly he is not secure with who his is yet and he may never get there. You can never expect much from someone who is flaky.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 8:15 AM GMT
    Yes, I completely agree to let it go.

    Had a similar situation recently, where I went out with a guy in his forty's as well, whom was not only recently out, but also a virgin. He was so enamoured with me and when we finally met up, wanted me to be his first time. Long story short after that happened, his head took him right back into the closet. Everything I mentioned, down to visiting him again was "too much pressure on him.". I could not have a decent, adult conversation with this person, without him feeling pressure. These individuals have the emotional stability of a 12 year old. All I can do is feel sorry for him at this point, however, I deserve better.

    I do recommend you find someone whom is fully out and comfortable within himself. You don't deserve any less.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 306

    Apr 20, 2016 5:19 PM GMT
    Kinneticbrian saidYou've just run into one of the things it took me some years to figure out, and that is this: Chronological age and what I'll call "relationship maturity" have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

    Clearly, if he's 46 and just now venturing out of the proverbial closet, he can be expected to be no further along than a 16 year old who only recently came out in terms of relationship maturity (and capacity).

    Yes, he can be very charming, articulate and well read and seem to have his life very much together. Socially he's probably very sophisticated and on a strictly platonic level, very capable. But put him in the arena of a same-sex emotional, sexual and physical relationship and all of that vanishes because to him, and to some extent, realistically, the world becomes a totally different place.

    It's not that he'a a bad guy or deliberately trying to hurt you, but he might inadvertently do so if you allow yourself to become emotionally, romantically or sexually involved with him. In this case, you're far more stable and mature in your world than he is in his own.

    Heed the great advice of the others who offered it here, as difficult as it may seem. Better things are right ahead for you. Take stock of yourself and realize you're a sincere, handsome guy with a lot to offer. Find or allow yourself to be found by someone who compliments that - not who drags on it or damages it.

    Great post. People seem not to understand that when someone has any addiction (i.e. alcoholic, gambling) or personality disorders, they stopped developing psychologically early in life. a 46 year old former alcoholic who started drinking at 16 will likely be in the stage of development of a 16-year old (or younger) emotionally because that was when they decided to suppress whatever pain they were having. Consciousness/enlightenment doesn't simply "show up" just because you're older just because you came out or recovered from whatever lie you used to cope with life.
    Men who come out later in life have missed an entire phase of their youth, and it takes years to integrate all that repression ("I'm not really gay") and lying to themselves into a balanced whole. Therapy helps, but figuring it out on your own? People mislead themselves even on some very everyday issues, but something that informs a big part of your personality, especially a socially-denigrated trait, is going to have all sorts of tangled-up thinking enmeshed in it.
    Find someone who is 'whole' unless your thing is rescuing 'broken birds' and that is a troublesome trait in itself. Katharine Hepburn spent most of her life doing this with Spencer Tracy, who was stricken with alcoholism. you never saw them coupled healthily, did ya? (Well, you might be too young to know the story, so never mind. The answer is: NO)
    Let him find his way and be nice to him, but unless you want to always put your needs second to his, you'd be crazy to jump into this. Find out if he's got a therapist first, and maybe then, it's safe for you. Otherwise, stay away. He is, as the other poster realizes, young, much much younger than his chronological age - in the emotional arena, that is.