Doesn't want a relationship, or does he....

  • alsralsr

    Posts: 4

    Apr 18, 2016 6:52 PM GMT
    Hello everyone!

    Hope you're doing great. This is my first post and it is about relationship trouble, sadly.

    I began seeing this guy from my gym six weeks ago, he had tried to talk to me on several occasions but I was in a relationship before, so I never led him. We bumped into each other at a party and we made conversation and decided to hang out the next day.

    After three dates he mentioned he wasn't looking for a relationship, he broke up four months ago with his ex. I said ok, but we began spending a lot of time together, like five days out of the week.

    After that my birthday came and he took me to dinner, got me a nice present and asked me: "What have you told your friends about me?" - he said he had talked to his best friend in France about me and how we have so much in common and so on.

    We ran into his ex last weekend when in the movies and after that he hasn't even held my hand, he is acting weird.

    He invited me to meet his friends two weekends ago and we had a good time, but after that he has been very flaky, he won't have time to meet, or he will just take hours and hours to reply a message. We wen't two days without texting until I texted him.

    He told me he didn't want a relationship first, but he was changing his mind and now he just wants to quit it? Should I ask him or just end it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2016 7:09 PM GMT
    Looks like he meant what he said at the start -- that he doesn't want a relationship. Then things started evolving that way anyway. So now he's cooling things off. Seems worth a conversation...
  • alsralsr

    Posts: 4

    Apr 18, 2016 7:15 PM GMT
    duluthrunner saidLooks like he meant what he said at the start -- that he doesn't want a relationship. Then things started evolving that way anyway. So now he's cooling things off. Seems worth a conversation...


    Yeah, I thought about that, I don't want to rush things either but I do think we could eventually have something more than what it is now, I don't want to scare him off though, so I would have to be very careful about how I say things too..
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Apr 18, 2016 8:12 PM GMT
    alsralsr said
    duluthrunner saidLooks like he meant what he said at the start -- that he doesn't want a relationship. Then things started evolving that way anyway. So now he's cooling things off. Seems worth a conversation...


    Yeah, I thought about that, I don't want to rush things either but I do think we could eventually have something more than what it is now, I don't want to scare him off though, so I would have to be very careful about how I say things too..


    Not every dude likes the 'relationship talk', so, yeah, you want to tread very carefully here.

    I would stop short of betting on this thing developing any further. Consider the fact that no one has made any commitment here, and pursue other options, too.

    SC
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 18, 2016 9:03 PM GMT
    I don't recommend you have the "relationship talk" but think you're totally within bounds to ask him why he suddenly got more difficult to reach and would he rather you back off? I find game guessing to be really detrimental to a relationship, whatever level of relationship. Just ask him "What gives?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2016 9:12 PM GMT
    good bet he is getting back with his X, how long did you say they were together?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2016 10:32 PM GMT
    alsralsr saidHello everyone!

    Hope you're doing great. This is my first post and it is about relationship trouble, sadly.

    I began seeing this guy from my gym six weeks ago, he had tried to talk to me on several occasions but I was in a relationship before, so I never led him. We bumped into each other at a party and we made conversation and decided to hang out the next day.

    After three dates he mentioned he wasn't looking for a relationship, he broke up four months ago with his ex. I said ok, but we began spending a lot of time together, like five days out of the week.

    After that my birthday came and he took me to dinner, got me a nice present and asked me: "What have you told your friends about me?" - he said he had talked to his best friend in France about me and how we have so much in common and so on.

    We ran into his ex last weekend when in the movies and after that he hasn't even held my hand, he is acting weird.

    He invited me to meet his friends two weekends ago and we had a good time, but after that he has been very flaky, he won't have time to meet, or he will just take hours and hours to reply a message. We wen't two days without texting until I texted him.

    He told me he didn't want a relationship first, but he was changing his mind and now he just wants to quit it? Should I ask him or just end it?


    It sounds like he meant what he said. And I've found that more often than not the guys who have recently broken up with their last boyfriend and say they don't want a relationship are still hung up on their ex and have intentions of keeping that seat open. Sounds like seeing his ex reminded him that he still wants his ex, whether he admits it to you (or himself) or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2016 2:43 PM GMT
    I was in a very similar situation. I didn't have "the relationship" talk, I had "the friendship" talk. He wasn't ready for a relationship and said if he ever did it would be open (which wasn't my deal). Once we had the friendship talk, I began the process of putting him in the friendship zone, stopped day dreaming and slowed down the texting to once a week, dated other guys and just kept in touch. I was even able to get some dating advice from him and let him know about how my other dates were progressing. This seemed to take the pressure off and expectations away so we were free to just have fun as friends. Yes, we did the benefits thing but only because I was in a place where I could handle it. We always had good chemistry and I let him know that I was totally fine with friendship. And it was true.

    I was dating other dudes and stopped thinking about him in that way. Sure, deep down, I had some feelings for him, mostly curiosity. I could tell that he had some feelings for me too but nothing strong enough to make a relationship out of. I've found with gay friendship that everyone tends to have some feelings for each other at some point if you have enough in common and are attracted to each other. That doesn't make for a relationship though.

    This is to say that if a guy tells you he isn't ready for a relationship, believe him and don't get mad at him for being honest with you. But not ready for a relationship doesn't mean it can never ever happen over time. It also could be that you end up with a truly awesome longterm friend (which are better than relationships in most cases.) It gets harder to make friends. Just have a friendship talk with him about thinking he's a cool guy and wanting to get to know each other as friends (if you can handle a pure friendship). In my case, I could because I had crushes on straight male friends in the past and fought through the temporary emotion stage with those guys to forge true platonic (and awesome friendships). What's key to that is you have to actually date other guys so that they become your objects of affection.

    Good luck my man!
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1035

    Apr 19, 2016 7:31 PM GMT
    He's not over his ex yet. That's why he started acting weird and not holding your hand anymore. He doesn't want his ex to see him with another guy because he wants his ex to think he's still available.

    It doesn't matter which one of them broke it off, or why. I'm telling you, that's what's going on.

    So, he's not available to you now. You can wait until he gets over his ex and becomes available... or not. Either way, don't be afraid to talk to him about it.

    You don't need to have a "relationship talk", but you should tell him how you feel.
  • Aldente

    Posts: 22

    Apr 20, 2016 2:45 AM GMT
    Leave him alone. Tell him you want a person that is completely dedicated to you, physically and emotionally.

    Gotta be careful, mate. You don't wanna be a rebound without knowing you're one, usually it'll take you from 3 months to a year to figure out if he's real.

    Lotta fish in the ocean and you look good too, so don't waste your time on an indecisive one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2016 5:42 AM GMT
    Drop off his radar and see if he contacts you. That'll give you the answer.

  • Apr 20, 2016 6:21 AM GMT
    I havnt had a boyfr in years although I have always wanted one. So at least you have had some quality time with this man. Whatever you decide to do, do it with that positive hindsight.
  • alsralsr

    Posts: 4

    Apr 20, 2016 4:07 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for your reply. He contacted me recently and we did see each other again yesterday, but I have a feeling we'll progress as friends. Maybe he's just not for me. I really like him but I don't want to send him off, so I'll see how this goes.

    Have a great day everyone.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Apr 20, 2016 5:02 PM GMT
    When someone TELLS you who he is, and where he is, believe his words, and try not to create a reality based on what you hope for. The first thing that comes out of someone's mouth is usually the most accurate.

    When someone does "The Dance," meaning first they're sweet and then they withdraw, the initial statement is the most honest one, regardless of what follows, and especially with him moving towards you, away from you, then coming back temporarily. The Dance is pretty common among ambivalent persons, either due to situation, or because they are actually unable - no matter what they've told themselves - to be vulnerable. And STAY vulnerable. So, they move closer, then away, then closer, etc. And you just get confused and grasp and one action…"well, he sent me flowers," while ignoring that the also did not call/text/email or whatever for 4 days. Pay attention.

    The generally wise course of action with someone who, over a period of time, continually does The Dance is to back away from constant contact, to not initiate meetings, to stop texting every hour (the worst because texting has no defined beginning and end of a conversation. How many times do people say, "goodbye, good talking to you" in a text message?

    Boundaries are very important and you need to have a few. Don't move towards "friendship" when you know you liked this guy. You might find yourself backsliding because he does something sweet or "romantic." Build up the power to stay away and just say to him, "its a confusing time for you, it seems, so maybe it's best to take a breather." And you need it as much as he does, from what you write. You are - underneath your words - sounding like you hope it might grow into love. This is ungrounded. Stay in yourself, and let thoughts of him be along the lines of "…that was nice, but confusing."