When to give up on a friendship...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 6:14 AM GMT

    I have a friend where we met online well over a year ago and went out on a few dates. I let him know that I thought he was a cool guy but I wanted to be friends. He agreed and said he'd love to be friends. After that I made a point of treating him exactly like a friend. I messaged him every week, checked in on him, invited him out to stuff, sent jokes etc. But he put in little effort into the friendship. I initiated every text, every invite, every activity. He was 100% responsive. So I decided maybe I should hold off and give him a chance to invite or initiate me. But he didn't. Ever.

    So for several months I just moved on. Every so often he would check out my online profile. I randomly messaged him and asked if I did something wrong. He said that he thought that I was just saying I wanted to be friends to let him down nicely. I told him that I have been 100% honest and would like to be friends. He said he was very happy to hear that and of course wanted to be friends.

    We hung out regularly, dinners movies chats. Yet, just like before, I initiated everything. He responds immediately every time. But he's only reactive. No invites to hang out with him and his buds, no messages checking in on me or anything. I know he's been burned by his group of friends in the past. I have other friends and am ready to give up on him but I don't want to be like his other friends. I am in a relationship so I'm only looking for something platonic. I don't know if I should bring it up or give up on the friendship and let it fade. I have other friends.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 19, 2016 6:53 AM GMT
    find another friend... You shouldn't have to really have to work that hard at it ... Friendships should just happen naturally
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Apr 19, 2016 7:18 AM GMT

    I would just put a checkmark in the box marked casual and let whatever happens happen. He's somebody you get on with but not somebody that you can have some deep meaningful friendship with. If it hurts you more than it benefits you, just let him drift off into space but if you do actually enjoy spending time with him, then continue to be the person making more effort for you own sake but don't expect much or any in return.

    It's been a year, you know what sort of person he is and what sort of relationship that you have here, don't punish him because it's not enough for you unless it's too much to be reminded of that fact.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 5:49 PM GMT
    badbug said
    I would just put a checkmark in the box marked casual and let whatever happens happen. He's somebody you get on with but not somebody that you can have some deep meaningful friendship with. If it hurts you more than it benefits you, just let him drift off into space but if you do actually enjoy spending time with him, then continue to be the person making more effort for you own sake but don't expect much or any in return.

    It's been a year, you know what sort of person he is and what sort of relationship that you have here, don't punish him because it's not enough for you unless it's too much to be reminded of that fact.



    I think you're right. Deep down we are both aware that he has feelings for me as he has stated so. I just don't see him in that way mostly because of his passive behavior, ironically. So maybe it's just self preservation that he is acting this way. It's a shame. He's the type of guy where we could be good long term friends, or even more later down the road. Oh well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 6:41 PM GMT
    woodfordr saidDeep down we are both aware that he has feelings for me as he has stated so.

    If he has feelings for you he could be nervous about initiating things because he's worried that he'll inadvertently escalate things. Or, another way to look at it is that there's tension on his side and he's trying to not amplify it by remaining passive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 7:16 PM GMT
    woodfordr said
    badbug said
    I would just put a checkmark in the box marked casual and let whatever happens happen. He's somebody you get on with but not somebody that you can have some deep meaningful friendship with. If it hurts you more than it benefits you, just let him drift off into space but if you do actually enjoy spending time with him, then continue to be the person making more effort for you own sake but don't expect much or any in return.

    It's been a year, you know what sort of person he is and what sort of relationship that you have here, don't punish him because it's not enough for you unless it's too much to be reminded of that fact.



    I think you're right. Deep down we are both aware that he has feelings for me as he has stated so. I just don't see him in that way mostly because of his passive behavior, ironically. So maybe it's just self preservation that he is acting this way. It's a shame. He's the type of guy where we could be good long term friends, or even more later down the road. Oh well.


    Somewhere down the road is where it's at. A different place in time. Maybe you'll run into each other when things are different.

    Perhaps when he has a BF you can do things as couples?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Apr 19, 2016 7:18 PM GMT
    Ya know, I know a couple of people like this. Some family members, too. I don't usually find their lack of initiative to be offensive, just tiresome. Some people are just passive but still totally nice when you do make the effort. If your interactions have been good, and it sounds like they were, I wouldn't write him off. But you're under no obligation to be the sole one maintaining the friendship. If you see him checking out your profile, it obviously means he was thinking of you. Just say Hi. No harm in telling him that you'd love it if he actually contacted you occasionally. Good people come in all sorts of odd configurations. If fact, most of us are totally weird if you look close enough.
  • leanandclean

    Posts: 268

    Apr 19, 2016 9:21 PM GMT
    I have a few friends like this and it doesn't bother me because they do respond positively to me and seem pretty clearly to enjoy my company. Often people's lives are just too full, it's nothing personal.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 19, 2016 9:25 PM GMT
    Well a couple of things... I'd encourage you (or anyone) to be open minded about other people when it comes to this sort of thing... remember:

    1) Friendship means different things to different people. Personality also affects perception. What might seem like the usual approach to you, may not to him at all. Also, some people just are "reactionary". I've had friends that call me all the time, hell I don't have to do anything, while others never call. I'm sort of middle of the road.

    2) I've also had "friendships" that aren't really that at all. I have one college friend that used to tell me her life story (meaning everything going on with her).. her sicknesses (nothing like hearing about how bad her physical problems are) NEVER asked me about anything. For me that wasn't friendship and it was ended.

    So, you need to decide what is important to you in terms of maintaining a friendship. If this guy isn't "meeting the grade" in your view, I'd tell him reasonably. If he cares, he'll improve, if not, I'd focus on other friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 19, 2016 9:40 PM GMT
    ^^^^^ Great response above me here. Truly the best way to handle it, IMO!
  • daveindenver

    Posts: 314

    Apr 19, 2016 11:33 PM GMT
    Why not let him read this post...and all the replies?

    If that doesn't do the trick, show him the door.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 20, 2016 1:07 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell a couple of things... I'd encourage you (or anyone) to be open minded about other people when it comes to this sort of thing... remember:

    1) Friendship means different things to different people. Personality also affects perception. What might seem like the usual approach to you, may not to him at all. Also, some people just are "reactionary". I've had friends that call me all the time, hell I don't have to do anything, while others never call. I'm sort of middle of the road.

    2) I've also had "friendships" that aren't really that at all. I have one college friend that used to tell me her life story (meaning everything going on with her).. her sicknesses (nothing like hearing about how bad her physical problems are) NEVER asked me about anything. For me that wasn't friendship and it was ended.

    So, you need to decide what is important to you in terms of maintaining a friendship. If this guy isn't "meeting the grade" in your view, I'd tell him reasonably. If he cares, he'll improve, if not, I'd focus on other friends.


    Really good points. I definitely do understand the diverse ways in which people are friends and I respect people's styles. In fact, my friends have even said this to me. This guy does invite other friends out to do things and does check in on his other friends. Just not me. Your second and last points definitely ring true for me. After thinking about our friendship, I definitely have put in all the effort to get to know him, to ask about his family, and he's commented that I do a great job of remembering the things that are important to him. I can't say the same in return at all. I think he would be just a person to hang out with not a person I could really lean on. And so I'm going to focus on my other buddies and just let things fade again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 20, 2016 1:49 AM GMT
    Wait a minute, I am confused, you only wanted to be friends with him but initiated contact every time, going out, hangout, movies...eat...etc That sounds like dating. I don't know, Since you made it clear that you want his friendship. I don't blame the other guy, basically the way I see it, you put him in the friendzone, so maybe his ego is hurt and he's not really responsive or active back to you. It's harsh but that's the way I see it. I think it's misleading a bit that you do all these things with him to only be his friends. I have a friend like this in the past, I think deep down, he wants you more than a friend and acting all weird/jealous/passive-aggressive or whatever. I don't know, it's hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for. Just move on from this guy and save him the pain.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 20, 2016 12:41 PM GMT
    I put my friends in various "baskets": true, long-term friends in one; casual hang-out friends in another; occasional bar friends in yet another, so on and so forth. The baskets have different expectations. Because my expectations are dictated by the particular basket in which a friend belongs, I'm rarely, if ever, get disappointed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 20, 2016 1:06 PM GMT
    laxwill10 saidWait a minute, I am confused, you only wanted to be friends with him but initiated contact every time, going out, hangout, movies...eat...etc That sounds like dating. I don't know, Since you made it clear that you want his friendship. I don't blame the other guy, basically the way I see it, you put him in the friendzone, so maybe his ego is hurt and he's not really responsive or active back to you. It's harsh but that's the way I see it. I think it's misleading a bit that you do all these things with him to only be his friends. I have a friend like this in the past, I think deep down, he wants you more than a friend and acting all weird/jealous/passive-aggressive or whatever. I don't know, it's hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for. Just move on from this guy and save him the pain.


    I think that is exactly what the problem is...hurt ego. I didn't "put him in the friendzone". He earned it because he seemed like a great guy (but maybe he's not so great). What I find to be sooo fucking frustrating about gay friendship and gay love (in my experience) is that I have lost about 8 friends because they wanted to date and I didn't want to at the time. And therefore it just ended... even though they knew I'd be a great friend. Ridiculous!

    "Be my boyfriend right now or go away" is such a miserable way to approach interactions with good guys. How about fighting through the initial emotional attraction and make a good friend while you find other guys to date? Who knows, later down the road maybe you do end up falling in love with each other after your really know each other? That can't happen if you cut things off with any guy you might like before they get the chance to like you. I've been "friend zoned" before and they are great friends to this day. And one of them is my current bf now. A glass half empty can be filled.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 20, 2016 3:24 PM GMT
    But then again, WoodfordR, you mentioned about the possibility of something coming down the line. I have also cut people off for this type of behaviour because in my experience, these guys don't initiate any kind of contact with you unless it is to their benefit. I had one guy say to me that he only remains friends with one particular guy, (whom is interested in him but he doesn't share the same interest), because in an instance, he got a flat tyre and was able to call the guy for him to change it. What does that say about this individual? The "tyre changer" is head over heels with this guy.

    I live in Texas, and my best friend in the world lives outside of Frankfurt, Germany. No matter how busy our lives get, we still make contact once a week to catch up. I think that yes, life does throw little curveballs sometimes, and whilst constant communication may not always be ideal, it's all about a person's intent. I shoot an email or text saying, "Hey, thinking about ya, and it's been hell on wheels. Will talk soon." For the one whom "keeps guys around" for the sake of changing a tyre, "ain't nobody got time for that." No use stringing people along.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 20, 2016 9:34 PM GMT
    The arts of socializing and of making friendships has been on a steady decline for the past five decades or so, due probably to a confluence of various factors. The answer to the OP's problem may in fact lie in the other's ignorance about how one goes about making a friend and maintaining a friendship. In this current era where entirely too many people think a smartphone is some kind of organic appendage to the human body, it is no wonder that some people fail at doing the friendship bit.

    I did like the particular suggestion one poster made simply to reference this thread to the OP's "friend" and say "I was referring to you in this." What could he lose? If the guy is a dud, he wasn't really a friend anyway. Otherwise, he might wise up and act as a friend should.

    One of the overriding problems of today regarding friendships is the simple lack of sufficient time in the day to accomplish all the chores of daily life and still have sufficient time for frequent social activities (hence maybe the prevalence of the poor substitute of Facebook and a smartphone.)
  • ANTiSociaLiNJ...

    Posts: 1122

    Apr 20, 2016 10:22 PM GMT
    woodfordr said What I find to be sooo fucking frustrating about gay friendship and gay love (in my experience) is that I have lost about 8 friends because they wanted to date and I didn't want to at the time. And therefore it just ended... even though they knew I'd be a great friend. Ridiculous!


    See what happens when you look like a scruffy sex bomb, porn star who oozes virility and maleness(at least by what I can see in your photos anyway)? icon_wink.gif

    All drooling and accolades aside, from your posts alone you sound like a dream come true by what you have in your heart and mind. Now pair that personality of yours with the exterior you've been blessed with and it will be hard for people to only want to be your friend.

    woodfordr said"Be my boyfriend right now or go away" is such a miserable way to approach interactions with good guys. How about fighting through the initial emotional attraction and make a good friend while you find other guys to date? Who knows, later down the road maybe you do end up falling in love with each other after your really know each other? That can't happen if you cut things off with any guy you might like before they get the chance to like you. I've been "friend zoned" before and they are great friends to this day. And one of them is my current bf now. A glass half empty can be filled.


    I have very good looking friends who endure exactly what you've described above. The unfortunate thing is a lot of people don't share your altruistic, optimistic views on human interaction. Probably the best thing you can do is just accept that those who aren't ready for what you have to offer simply aren't 'ready' and hope that, for their own sake, someday they will be. But for now you simply let them go and let them be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 20, 2016 11:25 PM GMT
    I've met people like this alot. I always thought the issue was me. For some, I've acknowledged that it was a social anxiety thing. Others, unsure. Maybe it was me... The problem is with these friendships, it makes you doubt yourself as to whether or not they like you.

    In the end, the relationships never go anywhere and it always ends (platonic or romantic). When you're gone, they'll say to you "OMG where have you been" if you ever run into them in public. It's useless because they don't know the issue. And in the end, it's always them who are the ones to complain about not having friends and being lonely.

    Like I've mentioned, these types of relationships never go anywhere. Do what feels natural to you. Realistically, if you never talk to them again, will it matter? They didn't put much effort in regardless. On the contrary, if you continue at the friendship, you may feel like you've wasted so much time and effort a few years from now.

    Personally, I give people some time. Everyone is different. After a while of me doing all the initiating, I ask them if I annoy them or something. If they state they want to be friends, I try at it some more. If nothing changes, I just give up. No point trying with someone unwilling to put in effort.