Same old story, not ready for a relationship...

  • Rikku07

    Posts: 8

    Apr 21, 2016 1:30 AM GMT
    So basically it's the classic tale but he isn't trying to remove himself from my life so I am not sure what my next step should be. I met this guy on Grindr who also works for the same company I work for but he is in another department so we don't interact at work really.

    Anyways we started chatting then after like two weeks of chatting we finally go out and afterwards I tell him I am looking to date but not expecting anything serious immediately and he agrees and is like "yes I am not trying to steer this into fwb" Then we continue to date and chat and it is clear we share physical and mental attraction and have great sex come date 3.

    We continue to date then I ask him if friends or someone asks what I am up to are you ok if I say we went out? Figuring it is innocent question but he turns it into "where do you see this going?" and I say "I have had a lot of fun, I am fine keeping this casual for now but I can see us turning into boyfriends." then he drops it "I am not ready for a relationship right now ... I still some issues in my head I am working out over my ex (which he dumped)" but he still is showing action and effort to be in my life and expressed sexual desires toward me still. I told him I am ok keeping it casual if that is easier for him but he repeated but said I want to be fair to you and we don't seem to be looking for the same things right now, then I told him I am trying to avoid fwb territory as the last grey area/fwb thing ended poorly for me, he still expressed sexual desires towards me but said if I can't do that then he wants to be friends still and hang out and all that as we were connecting really well, I thought. I told him I don't know what the next course of action should be and that if we must say good-bye to our intimate side then let's have one last good fuck (this coming Friday) and then go from there and he agreed.

    I don't want to be friendzoned with him really or at least I don't want that right now and idk...being a friend just to be there for the right moment is a poor plan anyways so what is the proper next move? Cut it all off? It is so early for all this when I thought we were just casually seeing each other and he still wants to ... just not dating ... probably should just cut it and move forward...
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Apr 21, 2016 8:12 AM GMT
    If a dude ain't ready he ain't ready.

    The worst thing anyone can do is to keep on pushing the envelope.

    It is perfectly fine to talk about the future, and honestly say what you would like to happen. But if he says, 'nope, I am not ready', you want to drop that subject like a hot potato, and return to the previous MO.

    Adding one more word to his 'nope' tends to convert the whole situation into a power struggle. This is where you kinda keep on insisting on what you want, and he feels that he now cannot give in even if he wanted to, without losing his face.

    You can have him as a FwB which does not stop you from looking for anyone else who may be better fitting into your plans. Or you can ruin a good thing you are having between the two of you.

    SC
  • Rikku07

    Posts: 8

    Apr 21, 2016 4:45 PM GMT
    So we sat down and talked this morning and he apologized for the mixed signals as he admitted he did them but his ex's birthday was 5 days ago and he saw him then and therefore now his confusion and turmoil. Our discussion then basically concluded with he can't do a relationship right now and feels if we continue with sex, as much fun as it is, it will send me down the wrong path emotionally and he doesn't want to do that to me.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Apr 22, 2016 7:08 PM GMT
    Which is your cue to exit by putting distance between you. Staying in someone's life waiting for a "moment" means 'ulterior motive.' If you have that, it isn't truly a friendship in the first place: friendships come with goodwill, not opportunistic reasons.

    Right now, he's just a guy you met - and were getting to know - a new acquaintance, not a friend. An acquaintance. As in, someone whose value system I don't know well, and whose character I don't know much about and whose past I haven't learned about (clearly!).

    And now, he's s told you the harsh reality of his situation and also that sex would be confusing and it would lead you on (and it would, as you are actually deciding if you should wait for 'the right moment)' and it would be for him too, as he'd feel guilty, and ANY relationship based on guilt is unhealthy, to say the least. I've been there - mostly when I was young like you - and realized leaving and not trying to maintain contact would move me into behaving like an adult. Not that it was easy, but that's how you become an adult. Relationships are not chess games. Sometimes knowing when to say 'enough' means you are moving into adulthood. And hanging on? Well, ask your female friends how well that usually worked out for them. It usually won't have had a happy ending.

    Try to acknowledge this is no longer a tenable situation and walk away as soon as you are able. He is not available to you now - and you know it. Don't try to finesse it into something it is not.