Scared to say "I love you"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2016 3:10 AM GMT
    This post is going to sound a very cheesy, but bear with me.
    I've been seeing a guy for 9 months. I'm 25 and I've never been in a relationship, but he's the closest thing I've gotten to one.

    When we first started going out, everything was very casual. Even though we never talked about our expectations at first, I mentioned I wasn't really looking for a relationship. But if it happened, I was going to be open to it. He said that worked perfectly for him.

    We've shared so many moments and experiences. He doesn't really like expressing his feelings (I'm the opposite), but I can sense and I can see that he really likes me. The way he smiles when I wake up next to him and he tells me good morning, the way he looks at me after he kisses me. We don't live together, but I'm over at his place at least once per week.

    The thing is, one of those mornings when he looked at me and smiled, I felt this thing in my stomach. I wanted so bad to tell him I loved him, but I'm scared of not hearing it back. He hasn't said anything to me either, except one day when he said "I care about you and I don't want to get your heart broken".

    This is all new to me, because the longest I've dated someone before this was just for a month max. Is 9 months long enough to love someone? Is this just infatuation and novelty?
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    Apr 22, 2016 4:30 AM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    Is 9 months long enough to love someone? Is this just infatuation and novelty?

    There's no established time factor. It can be sooner, or longer. Depends on the guys.

    I had this same issue with a guy, because I said "I love you" too soon for him, and spooked him.

    But 9 months... I dunno. None of us can judge other people's feelings from an online post.

    You might try building up to the "L" word. Say some alternates to him like he's very special to you, or you really adore him. See how he responds.

    Although, to be honest, your quote from him that "I care about you and I don't want to get your heart broken" is a bit troubling to me. Is he hiding another commitment? Is he cheating from a straight marriage? Or cheating on a gay partner/husband? Maybe he's still playing the field, and won't settle down with a guy yet.

    Well, whatever it is, use the approach I suggested above, and watch his response. He may not be husband material right now, for whatever his reason is. Then you decide what's your next move.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2016 1:41 PM GMT
    It is so much easier to say "I love you" than to say "I don't love you anymore."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2016 6:27 PM GMT
    Mate, just enjoy what you have, and each other's company. It will come in time. If you focus too much on saying the words, the relationship may spiral downwards, as there may be unnecessary stress introduced into the relationship.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Apr 22, 2016 6:32 PM GMT
    Kahlil Gibran wrote in 'The Prophet' that 'Love is sufficient unto Love."

    If you were afraid of a scary movie would you be afraid of expressing that? Or how about if your mother had cancer and might die? Would you be afraid of saying that to him?
    Say what you feel, because if what you truly feel is Love, how can you not say it for fear of another's reaction? He's going to be 'spooked' that you have come to love him after 9 months, or is it that you want the security of being loved back. Love is not a trade: we love because it is in us for another. Of course it's a risk to say it, but you're already feeling it (and to answer your question, 9 months is not too soon to be in Love. It's actually, based on the experiences you say you've had, quite reasonable to come to love someone in that time).

    It sounds more like you fear being vulnerable. Don't hold Love as a ransom for something you want to hear back. To Love is to Trust. And without trust, we don't have Love, no matter what we think. This has been stated for centuries by philosophers and wise men and women.

    You have to decide if this is based on what Love is: a caring for another person, independent of what the benefit to you is, other than you feel loving towards another being. And fear is not part of Love. Fear is its own, separate entity, as apart from Love as breathing is apart from eating (but you need to do both anyway) even though people add it to Love as though Love cannot exist without fear.
    If you believe you Love him because he exists, then say it.
    There is a saying in the metaphysical community:

    "In Real Love, you want what is best for the other person. In romantic love, you just want the other person."

    Which is yours?
  • TombRaider

    Posts: 94

    Apr 22, 2016 10:40 PM GMT
    In my opinion, I would start by asking him if what he thinks of making it official as in you're really interested in him. If he says he's also interested in you, wait a few days if you want and tell him you live him. If you're confident enough in both of your relationship say it, he's probably waiting for you to say it first.
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    Apr 23, 2016 1:02 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidAlthough, to be honest, your quote from him that "I care about you and I don't want to get your heart broken" is a bit troubling to me. Is he hiding another commitment? Is he cheating from a straight marriage? Or cheating on a gay partner/husband? Maybe he's still playing the field, and won't settle down with a guy yet.


    THIS. THIS. THIS.

    "I don't want your heart broken," barring context we don't know about, is the thing you say to someone whose heart you are going to break.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2016 3:28 PM GMT
    Congrats on finding someone you love!!! That's awesome! I think everyone can relate to your situation so don't feel embarrassed or ashamed at all. There is how you feel. There is how he feels. And there are each of your reactions. That's a lot. The best advice I have ever received on this board that has worked in every relationship is to TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND ABOUT HOW YOU BOTH FEEL... NEVER GUESS. Bring it up while you're cuddling and work your way up to it over several conversations while gauging his reactions if you need to. Since you are 25, you will continue to learn about your vulnerabilities and more important, how you handle and react to them. Good luck!

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    Apr 23, 2016 8:40 PM GMT
    It's not really the words that have you scared, it's that you have in fact fallen in love with him and you don't know whether he has fallen in love with you.

    So eventually you're going to say it.

    But instead of saying it for the first time at a very emotionally vulnerable moment like waking up together in the morning try saying it more casually when it doesn't have so much emotional power. Like at the end of a phone conversation instead of saying good bye. That may open the door to him saying it in a similar way next time and then you'll both become comfortable with the power of those words and you'll ease into saying it at more intimate times. Or if he doesn't reciprocate or pulls back you'll know that he doesn't share your feelings. Then you'll have to decide whether to stay and see if his feelings change (very likely they won't), to accept that your feelings are unequal but that you are getting enough out of the relationship to make it worthwhile to stick around for a while, or to move on.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 23, 2016 10:42 PM GMT
    No balls, no blue chips. My guy asked me within two weeks of meeting if I felt like he did, was it love? Though we did chat and write for a month before meeting. Startled me but got me thinking, ya, I was falling for him. We've been together nine years. Happiest nine years of my life.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Apr 24, 2016 6:05 AM GMT
    There will never be a universal answer to your question. People are just too different for that.

    I have grown to believe that the more you do and the less you say the better it gets.

    You have a good thing going (obviously), and you want to keep on working on it, too. Deepen your relationship by seeing if you two can have some mid-term common future planning? Move-in together or make a longer trip somewhere together, or do anything that would reflect your forthcoming reciprocal commitment.

    Grow the bonds that hold you together stronger by the day. The declarations of love, romantic as these may sound, will come in their time and day, too. But they can never replace the life well-lived together.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 24, 2016 6:08 AM GMT
    oh gosh that line "I care about you and I don't want to get your heart broken" that jus screams red flag to me.... wth does that mean. it cud mean he doesnt love u as much as u think he does hence he doesnt wanna hurt u .. he doesnt wanna hurt u because he dooesnt wanna commit? or another guy? etc...

    u shud jus have an honest conversation about it with him about how he feels about being officially in a relationship.