Coming out Soon

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 2:41 PM GMT
    Hi everyone, I have a question. I will be coming out in May after I graduate from college and feel that it will be the right time for me to come out to my family and friends.

    I will be moving to a new city after graduation for my first adult job, and need advice on the best way to come out to my family in a group setting.

    What is the best way to come out?

    Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
  • transient

    Posts: 211

    Apr 26, 2016 2:47 PM GMT
    Everybody's different.

    I chose to wait untill I was in a loving relationship and then told my family I was in love......and HIS name is #!?@%.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 2:54 PM GMT
    No need for a grand announcement. Just live your life unapologetically and let them figure it out on their own. After awhile of you not talking about a special girl in your life they will come to the conclusion on their own that you're not straight. Less drama this way.

    Straight people don't make a grand announcement proclaiming their heterosexuality. Why should we have to? Ain't nobody's business where you like to stick your dick. Chances are they already have their suspicions.

    Oh, and another thing, don't let them get away with talking trash about gays in your presence. Call them out. That will also give them a clue you might be gay. Remember: Silence is consent.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 26, 2016 4:07 PM GMT
    transient saidEverybody's different.

    I chose to wait untill I was in a loving relationship and then told my family I was in love......and HIS name is #!?@%.



    This is the way I handled it though I told the most important family members individually over the phone. The rest just herd from others. And taking my partner to a couple of family weddings covered the rest. Not4u made some great points, too.

    I think a lot of how you tell people depends on how close you are to individuals but there's certainly no right or wrong way. And I agree with you that you're picking a perfect time to come out-- no need to wait for a boyfriend. Congrats, man. you're going to feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 4:44 PM GMT
    bring the husband over for thanksgiving dinner.

    serious:
    -i told the office gossip i was gay and told them to tell everyone they knew. got the small tech company work environment up dated w/o a lot effort.

    -each personal friend i spoke to individually. None of them really cared.

    -my family was in turmoil over mothers impending cancer death and I did not feel the time was right just than. About 10 yeas after, statute of limitations, dispersing estate funds and told them than. No one even listened, they were in mortal fear (and they should be) that they would not get their checks.


    Not being out kinda says you dont know what your doing. Completely ok with me but if your in a relationship absolute must that you are out and holding hands at Home Depot.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 5:54 PM GMT
    pellaz saidbring the husband over for thanksgiving dinner.

    serious:
    -i told the office gossip i was gay and told them to tell everyone they knew. got the small tech company work environment up dated w/o a lot effort.

    -each personal friend i spoke to individually. None of them really cared.

    -my family was in turmoil over mothers impending cancer death and I did not feel the time was right just than. About 10 yeas after, statute of limitations, dispersing estate funds and told them than. No one even listened, they were in mortal fear (and they should be) that they would not get their checks.


    Not being out kinda says you dont know what your doing. Completely ok with me but if your in a relationship absolute must that you are out and holding hands at Home Depot.





    Lol. That would be a thanksgiving to remember.

    I just would like to tell everyone all at once, so I won't have to have the uncomfortable conversation over and over.

    By sharing before I move away,I also feel it will give the family time to absorb it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 6:09 PM GMT
    sounds fine; the best of luck to you.
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    Apr 26, 2016 6:13 PM GMT
    Not4u saidNo need for a grand announcement. Just live your life unapologetically and let them figure it out on their own. After awhile of you not talking about a special girl in your life they will come to the conclusion on their own that you're not straight. Less drama this way.

    Straight people don't make a grand announcement proclaiming their heterosexuality. Why should we have to? Ain't nobody's business where you like to stick your dick. Chances are they already have their suspicions.

    Oh, and another thing, don't let them get away with talking trash about gays in your presence. Call them out. That will also give them a clue you might be gay. Remember: Silence is consent.


    I just want to be who I truly am, and not being out makes me feel as if I am not being who I am completely around my family and friends. I want to be able to bring my boyfriend around and hang out with my family, without it being a surprise or a shock when I do.

    I just want to live openly with everyone I know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 6:44 PM GMT
    pellaz saidsounds fine; the best of luck to you.


    Thank you. :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 6:52 PM GMT
    As others have said, it's individual, with lots of variables. I advise not hurting others you love. It's not all about you. Sometimes we have to be the silent (dare I say brave) one.

    I spent the last 6 weeks of his life by my Father's side when he was terminal. I'd been out for 2 years, but living elsewhere. He didn't "officially" know, though I suspected he did, and my sister confirmed it to me later, that both our parents always knew, even before I myself did. Our Mother had died 4 years earlier. They always hoped I'd grow out of this "phase".

    I really wanted to tell Dad. But I had to balance that against upsetting him at this critical moment. Did I really want to tell him to ease MY emotions, at the cost of his own peace of mind, as he approached death?

    He took me all around to his favorite places, like American Legion Halls and VFW Posts in those final weeks. Proudly introducing me as "My son, the Colonel." I wasn't gonna tell him I was gay and burst his bubble.

    If there's a Heaven he's there, and knows all about me now. I wanted his last days to be peaceful, not dump on him trying to make ME feel better.

    We can debate my approach, but I'll reply that's it's all personal and unique, that others can't easily judge. So it is with our OP and his question.
  • RainBow_Drago...

    Posts: 337

    Apr 26, 2016 7:22 PM GMT
    Wouldn't it be great if coming out as gay always went great and not only did you feel awesome and empowered but you were embraced and supported by everyone you knew? Unfortunately its not always as easy as you-tube coming out videos make it seem. A lot of times things don't turn out like you hoped for expected but you should know your folks better than anyone else.


    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 8:15 PM GMT
    DarkPhoenix said
    Not4u saidNo need for a grand announcement. Just live your life unapologetically and let them figure it out on their own. After awhile of you not talking about a special girl in your life they will come to the conclusion on their own that you're not straight. Less drama this way.

    Straight people don't make a grand announcement proclaiming their heterosexuality. Why should we have to? Ain't nobody's business where you like to stick your dick. Chances are they already have their suspicions.

    Oh, and another thing, don't let them get away with talking trash about gays in your presence. Call them out. That will also give them a clue you might be gay. Remember: Silence is consent.


    I just want to be who I truly am, and not being out makes me feel as if I am not being who I am completely around my family and friends. I want to be able to bring my boyfriend around and hang out with my family, without it being a surprise or a shock when I do.

    I just want to live openly with everyone I know.


    Nothing I said precludes you from being who you truly are. If you aren't being truly who you are in front of family and friends what's stopping you now? How will you behave differently in front of them if you make some grand announcement? Start sing show tunes? Bring up how you just looooove Rhianna? Wear deep-V pastel colored tees and tight booty shorts? When you're with your family and friends do you intend to say things like "Look at the fine ass on that guy! I'd love to pound it all night long! I wonder how big his cock is?"

    How do you intend to act any differently?

    If you want to bring a BF around just start bringing him around as a friend. After seeing you with him enough times they will put 2 and 2 together. Some may become brave enough to ask you. You can then decide whether they need to know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2016 11:57 PM GMT
    First, congrats on graduating and finding a job!

    Like a few others have said, there's no single way that's the right way, there's only what's right for you. All you can do is sift through suggestions and find something that resonates.

    A couple of ideas, though. Just tell a few of the closest family members; the news will eventually filter to the rest of the family. What about telling those few and texting or emailing those you're not as close to? You don't have to worry about getting everybody into the same room at the same time and/or repeating yourself to those that aren't.

    Good luck with the family and with your new career!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2016 12:25 AM GMT
    Congrats! I agree that making a big announcement is unnecessary (and kind of obnoxious). You have different relationships with various friends and loved ones so talk to them in small settings versus a press conference. Start with the person you think would be most supportive and trickle from there. I actually wrote a letter to my parents and friends at different times to give them a chance to absorb and process it and more importantly, figure out what they wanted to say in return. But each person and relationship is different.

    Just please remember that just because someone is your family member or close friend does not in any way mean you need to accept or tolerate negative/insulting comments or behavior. You may CHOOSE to give certain people more time to come around and you may CHOOSE to tolerate botched responses from others. But you don't owe them the opportunity to insult or hurt you nor do you need to PRE-FORGIVE them. You can always forgive them after they apologize. Its not ok to bash someone because they're gay so help teach them that. I wish you all the luck in the world my man. I'm sure it'll be fine.
  • Looking9

    Posts: 31

    Apr 27, 2016 12:38 AM GMT

    Every family situation is different, as someone who was abandoned and disowned in my 20's I don't believe an announcement is necessary.

    Move away from family, start your life, talk/share honestly about your new life, if you're dating mention it and carefully note family's reaction. Stay in touch with family members who are encouraging and supportive. Keep in mind , less is more.

    Congratulations and best wishes.......
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Apr 27, 2016 7:28 AM GMT
    Don't come out by making an announcement. Come out just by living your life the way you want to. One by one (or more), they'll figure it out.

    I'm out to everyone, but never once made any announcement. And I never pretended to be straight. They all figured it out over time.

    Here are some examples when people first realized I was gay:

    I was out at a store with a fairly new straight friend, and he saw a cute girl and said to me, "hey, check her out!" I looked up to see who he was referring to and just shrugged like "whatever" and went back to looking at whatever I was looking at. He just laughed. He had already figured I was gay because I never talked about girls, but it was his way of finding out officially I guess. And we became pretty good friends.

    Another time several years ago, a fairly new straight friend asked me why I wasn't married. I replied, "because it's not legal." He didn't even hesitate and responded, "well, it will some day."

    I could go on with more examples, but I think you get the point. But bottom line is: DO NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT IF IT! Why? Because it's not and shouldn't be a big deal. And you not making a big deal about it coveys that very sentiment.

    Good luck buddy!
  • Mbis69

    Posts: 3

    Apr 27, 2016 10:41 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidAs others have said, it's individual, with lots of variables. I advise not hurting others you love. It's not all about you. Sometimes we have to be the silent (dare I say brave) one.

    I spent the last 6 weeks of his life by my Father's side when he was terminal. I'd been out for 2 years, but living elsewhere. He didn't "officially" know, though I suspected he did, and my sister confirmed it to me later, that both our parents always knew, even before I myself did. Our Mother had died 4 years earlier. They always hoped I'd grow out of this "phase".

    I really wanted to tell Dad. But I had to balance that against upsetting him at this critical moment. Did I really want to tell him to ease MY emotions, at the cost of his own peace of mind, as he approached death?

    He took me all around to his favorite places, like American Legion Halls and VFW Posts in those final weeks. Proudly introducing me as "My son, the Colonel." I wasn't gonna tell him I was gay and burst his bubble.

    If there's a Heaven he's there, and knows all about me now. I wanted his last days to be peaceful, not dump on him trying to make ME feel better.

    We can debate my approach, but I'll reply that's it's all personal and unique, that others can't easily judge. So it is with our OP and his question.


    That's a beautiful thing you did for your father.
  • tallsdmuscle

    Posts: 34

    Apr 27, 2016 11:17 AM GMT
    Mbis69 said
    Art_Deco saidAs others have said, it's individual, with lots of variables. I advise not hurting others you love. It's not all about you. Sometimes we have to be the silent (dare I say brave) one.

    I spent the last 6 weeks of his life by my Father's side when he was terminal. I'd been out for 2 years, but living elsewhere. He didn't "officially" know, though I suspected he did, and my sister confirmed it to me later, that both our parents always knew, even before I myself did. Our Mother had died 4 years earlier. They always hoped I'd grow out of this "phase".

    I really wanted to tell Dad. But I had to balance that against upsetting him at this critical moment. Did I really want to tell him to ease MY emotions, at the cost of his own peace of mind, as he approached death?

    He took me all around to his favorite places, like American Legion Halls and VFW Posts in those final weeks. Proudly introducing me as "My son, the Colonel." I wasn't gonna tell him I was gay and burst his bubble.

    If there's a Heaven he's there, and knows all about me now. I wanted his last days to be peaceful, not dump on him trying to make ME feel better.

    We can debate my approach, but I'll reply that's it's all personal and unique, that others can't easily judge. So it is with our OP and his question.


    That's a beautiful thing you did for your father.


    I agree, amazing thought and kindness on your part.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2016 9:49 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidAs others have said, it's individual, with lots of variables. I advise not hurting others you love. It's not all about you. Sometimes we have to be the silent (dare I say brave) one.

    I spent the last 6 weeks of his life by my Father's side when he was terminal. I'd been out for 2 years, but living elsewhere. He didn't "officially" know, though I suspected he did, and my sister confirmed it to me later, that both our parents always knew, even before I myself did. Our Mother had died 4 years earlier. They always hoped I'd grow out of this "phase".

    I really wanted to tell Dad. But I had to balance that against upsetting him at this critical moment. Did I really want to tell him to ease MY emotions, at the cost of his own peace of mind, as he approached death?

    He took me all around to his favorite places, like American Legion Halls and VFW Posts in those final weeks. Proudly introducing me as "My son, the Colonel." I wasn't gonna tell him I was gay and burst his bubble.

    ...


    I disagree. It is all about him and he should tell whomever he wants. However, if he knows a loved one would rather remain in the dark about such things he can choose out of charity not to reveal. Another however though, let's say he has a family function to attend he knows his father is invited to and he is permitted to bring a date, I don't think he should forego bringing his special guy just because his dad wouldn't take it well. That's dad's problem; not his.

    I can see in your situation not telling your dad, but if he and your mom "always knew", what harm would there have been? What bubble was there to burst? I think it's awful for a parent to suspect or "always know" and not help their child that they are suppose to love get through such a difficult time in his life. I firmly believe ALL parents of a gay child know; they'd just rather not face the truth. I know my parents "always knew." Lord knows they threw some subtle and not so subtle hints about how disappointed they'd be if their kid was gay. How cruel can one's own parents be?
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Apr 28, 2016 4:04 PM GMT
    DarkPhoenix said
    I will be moving to a new city after graduation for my first adult job, and need advice on the best way to come out to my family in a group setting.



    I think it all depends on your comfort zone. I'm not sure a big group setting is necessarily the best way to do it. Chances are, your mom already knows. They say Mom's always know...they have an instinct for such things. I do know cases where that wasn't true either. Regardless, maybe tell your mom and dad first --- or one or the other separately -- and then decide how to move forward from there. Baby steps.

    Also, try to remember to be patient with your family. It likely took you many years to come to terms with your own sexuality, so don't expect your family to come around overnight. Sometimes it takes certain family members awhile to process this information --- especially if it catches them by surprise and they don't know a lot about it.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2016 8:21 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for you thoughtful replies to this thread. I have a lot to take into consideration. Your advice is greatly appreciated. As someone mentioned there is no right or wrong way of coming out, but what is right for my family situation may not be right for another.

    I have a lot to think about.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Apr 30, 2016 11:52 AM GMT
    Just post something gay on facebook
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    May 02, 2016 3:37 AM GMT
    DarkPhoenix saidThanks everyone for you thoughtful replies to this thread. I have a lot to take into consideration. Your advice is greatly appreciated. As someone mentioned there is no right or wrong way of coming out, but what is right for my family situation may not be right for another.

    I have a lot to think about.


    Oh I'm sure there are some wrong ways. It would be interesting to hear some of those wrong way stories. Anyone care to share?