The Silent Treatment

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    Feb 09, 2009 5:38 PM GMT
    OK,
    So I'm out with my man and we get in an argument that last about 10 mins and ended in a silent drive home. This was about 7:30pm, from that point on my lover decides to pull the Silent treatment on me for the rest of the night, I mean the entire night...It's so childish and really pisses me off. Now I admit I have a bit of a temper and the littlest things can sometimes set me off depending on what's going on, but in the course of our 8 year relationship this argument is would be a 3 on a 1-10 scale of arguments. I really hate it when he does this because it really gets under my skin and makes me feel like he just doesn't care to be with me if he can't even talk to me. I understand needing space after a bicker fest but this is getting ridiculous. Any advice on how to deal with/handle the silent treatment
    icon_mad.gif
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    Feb 09, 2009 5:47 PM GMT
    Maybe first we should talk about your anger management...

    Michelle Rodriguez Vin Diesel


    But there are ways of making him talk...

    funny pictures of cats with captions


    However, if that doesnt work and the relationship continues to deteriorate, you might want to have a supply of these on hand...

    fail owned pwned pictures

    I hope that helps.
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    Feb 09, 2009 5:51 PM GMT
    there's no easy solution for this one - everybody has there mechanism for dealing with frustration and/or anger and sometime it's shutting-down.

    Who was in the wrong? If you are then try apologizing and then simply saying... "so can I hear your voice again now?"
    If he's in the wrong, just respond, I'm upset as well, but I'd still opt to talk it through, if you need silence, I'll leave you to it and then go watch tv, or go to bed.
    If who's wrong can't be determined, just say "either let's drop this and forget it or talk it through, but your silence resolves nothing but making both of us more upset as though we were still arguing anyway"...


    Or if it's that "time", like it was for me the very last time my ex pulled this "treatment" leave --> but we were headed to that path already so there was no sense in hanging around to see if he wanted to talk about it.
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    Feb 09, 2009 5:57 PM GMT
    The argument may have been a 3 to you but it could have been an 8 or a 9 to him. Thus he may need to take the time to process things. This is not new behavior if you have been together for 8 years and you have chosen to accepts this part of his personality.

    Your hair trigger temper is something that he has chosen to deal with do you think? It just may give him pause when you fly in to rage and the only way he can deal with you is not to deal with you and for that moment you are not his favorite person as he was not yours or else you would not have lost your temper.

    If he did not want to be with you he would have left you long ago! 8-)
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    Feb 09, 2009 7:08 PM GMT
    Ducky44 said.. .

    "If he did not want to be with you he would have left you long ago! 8-)"

    Thanks for the comments Ducky, it made me smile. I know he loves me. When he does the silent thing though it just hurts a lot and really gets under my skin.

    Thanks to for the comments though guys, I am the one who must assume the responsibility for my actions it's just hard to apologize when the person your trying to apologize to isn't speaking to you.

    ..the pictures were great!!! icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 09, 2009 7:21 PM GMT
    SN,

    I know how you feel. I'm just like you I like to talk things out get out in the open and move past it and let it go.

    My ex however used to pull the slient treatment as well and it was something that I chose to live with but I never got used to it and he knew it.

    That would be only thing that would really get my goat. I thought about doing the same thing to that lasted all of 5 minutes that's just not who I am. lol! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Feb 09, 2009 7:50 PM GMT
    The thing to do is not break the silent treatment when he decides to start talking....let him see what it is like when the partner refuses to speak.
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    Feb 09, 2009 7:52 PM GMT
    That'll just grow the length of the silence, which can strain a relationship. I think Cas' first advice was very good. Look into your anger. Unchecked, it will likely get worse.
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    Feb 09, 2009 7:53 PM GMT
    If you do that, then you have two adults acting like children. Where does that you no where. Someone has to be the voice of reason don't you think?
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:07 PM GMT
    Not necessarily.....sometimes the other person needs to experience the treatment to understand what it feels like. He can keep tabs on how it is going and stop it when appropriate.
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    Silence breaker: "I'm sorry."
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:20 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidSilence breaker: "I'm sorry."


    Better silence breaker:
    "Oh silent treatment?? Thank God 'cuz now I don't have to listen to your bullsit anymore, every word out of your mouth is wrong anyway" icon_wink.gif




    me thinks that'll get him talkin
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 09, 2009 8:21 PM GMT
    I like the idea of sitting down at the table and explaining how I feel without assigning blame or making accusations, and asking the other person do the same. It lets you vent without taking it out on the other person, and helps the person understand how their actions are perceived.
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:22 PM GMT
    The battle of the egos! I will always be the first the break the silence.
    It cam become a house divided which will lead to a house that's broken.

    When my ex did that with me I would wait a reasonble amount of time and I would ask are you ready to talk and he usually was.

    He would clam up because he would be so angry that he was afraid what would come out of his mouth and also because he was mad at me.

    Since I knew him so well, I knew when to give him his space and he knew when to give me mine. But I never pulled the silent treatment it's just not in my nature.

    I always took the first step to make up even when I was not wrong. I would always say let's work it out. I hated the silent treatment. I could never treat someone the way I do not want to be treated.
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:29 PM GMT
    The silent treatment is one of the most powerful yet unappreciated weapons in the arsenal of passive aggressive bullshit. I should know this because I was at one time a certifiable passive aggressive Jedi Master.

    He's playing a game with you. He wants you to get so pissed off you throw a tantrum which further proves the point that you're the bad guy. Just ignore it until he gives up. The silent treatment, despite it's name, takes an incredible amount of energy to maintain. When he gives up he will be exhausted. Then you have to decide if that's your moment to strike back or try and talk things out in a calm rational manner.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 09, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    I know what you mean by the "silent treatment". I get it from my bf at times... fortunately it isn't very often (averaging about once a year).
    I find it very childish and he knows it.
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:40 PM GMT
    Look on the bright side...If he's silent it will cut down the on the opportunities for arguments...Every cloud has a silver lining.

  • HorrorHound

    Posts: 1435

    Feb 09, 2009 8:43 PM GMT
    Yo! I have gotten this from time-to-time from my boyfriend (from a argument or not seeing eye-to-eye on a matter). He's a PRO at it sometimes!! Yes, its hard & it hurts cause the LAST thing you'd want is to be 'shut off'. It can hurt. However, as mentioned previously in a post, it tends to drain them & eventually they break the silence. Could take minutes, hours or even over a day (in my situations). I'm a talker, like to work things out. Best thing to do is just GIVE him his SPACE if he needs it. Though, no clue if he has anger management issues. Just give him what he wants & either a) the time will pass & things will simmer down, or b) you being quiet back & giving him his space will cause him to crawl out of the woodworks to have his contact back icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:45 PM GMT
    I tend to do the same thing, and it's MOSTLY out of the fact to get some focus/alone time/ some separation. Don't take it TOO personal though....
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    Feb 09, 2009 8:51 PM GMT
    .
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    Feb 09, 2009 9:16 PM GMT
    I'm sure each person uses silence in different ways and for different reasons.
    I've been in relationships with short-tempered people, and there would be a point where I just refused to fuel the fire with any more responses. I'm definitely one who likes to talk things out, but for me that includes slowing down the momentum of a fight, thinking about what and how I want to communicate and evaluating myself (to avoid finding my own error too late in the game, or understanding how important the topic really is to me and why). It's more likely that things will be resolved if I can identify what is emotion and what is logic and for me that whole process can mean silence. I would much rather sit through a silent spell than have my partner say unnecessarily harmful things in a fit of anger. Different strokes, I suppose.
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    Feb 09, 2009 9:28 PM GMT
    I will admit that I've done the silent treatment, and it was mostly because I felt I wasn't being listen to, my opinions and feelings weren't being respected, and it hurt too much to keep banging my head against the wall to try to get my ex to actually acknowledge that I had a point. I was just so hurt and frustrated that I needed to not engage in it.

    I'm not saying that this is the case in your situation, but wanted to at least voice it from the other side.
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    Feb 09, 2009 9:36 PM GMT
    Yes in the heat of the moment it's pretty standard to go into neutral corners until the dust settles when hours and couple days have past and you are still pulling the silent treatment. It's a diffrent world then. Then it's petty and childish. I believe that's the issue at hand here. Correct me if I'm wrong OP.

    8-)
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    Feb 09, 2009 10:04 PM GMT
    Ducky44 saidYes in the heat of the moment it's pretty standard to go into neutral corners until the dust settles when hours and couple days have past and you are still pulling the silent treatment. It's a diffrent world then. Then it's petty and childish. I believe that's the issue at hand here. Correct me if I'm wrong OP.

    8-)


    It's a little of both. The worst fight we ever got into he pulled the silent treatment for about 3 days and that's when I officially lost it, there were tears and a big soap box speech about how what he was doing was wrong and he could either talk to me and work things out or leave.
    But like many others I am a talker, I like to get the fight over with quickly and move on. The BS between just prolongs the inevitable make up or break up so to speak. If he wants/needs to go to his corner for a while so we can both calm down, fine, but I have a time limit on how long I'm willing to prolong round 2.
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    Feb 09, 2009 10:11 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidThe silent treatment is one of the most powerful yet unappreciated weapons in the arsenal of passive aggressive bullshit. I should know this because I was at one time a certifiable passive aggressive Jedi Master.

    He's playing a game with you. He wants you to get so pissed off you throw a tantrum which further proves the point that you're the bad guy. Just ignore it until he gives up. The silent treatment, despite it's name, takes an incredible amount of energy to maintain. When he gives up he will be exhausted. Then you have to decide if that's your moment to strike back or try and talk things out in a calm rational manner.


    That is exactly what happened last night, after 4 hours I got angry and demanded that he spoke to me and when he didn't, needless to say, I reacted poorly. That same reaction makes me feel like I don't have a leg to stand on when we actually try to deal with the initial problem that set this fight in motion. It's like my point is automatically null and void because I was the one who was yelling. The martyr card, you know?