Single since 31

  • guyinsoma

    Posts: 7

    May 02, 2016 6:30 PM GMT
    I am turning 38 in a few months, and it was six years ago since I was in some sort of a romantic relationship. For the last six years when I was living in San Francisco, my encounters with people which may lead to something more was very limited.

    I am an introvert but I can also be life of the party. I make a decent living. Other than standing only 5'6, I am not a bad looking guy at all. I am reasonably fit.

    Over the past few weeks, I have come across a few people across different apps, mostly on scruff - J, T, G and D.

    J was messaging me hard and kept asking to meet for over a month. I was in the middle of a move, and was not particularly attracted. But I thought, why don't I give myself a chance. So we set something up this past Saturday for an afternoon coffee. He cancelled saying he was at the hospital with a friend whose father was admitted, and would text me when he left the hospital. That text never came.

    T and I went on a coffee date successfully two weekends ago. Nothing physical, but we spent six hours together chatting, at Starbucks, then my place, then his, and he suggested dinner. When I left, he kissed me on the cheek and asked me to text him when I got home. That night he blocked me on scruff saying he needed a break, but would be up for being friends saying he felt no spark.

    G and I were messaging back and forth quite a bit since a week ago, and we were going to meet for coffee last weekend. He cancelled the morning of, and was reluctant to reschedule. This morning when I logged on to the app, his status was changed to "dating". He went from single to dating in a week.

    And then D and I actually made it to meet at a coffee shop yesterday. We were chatting under the breeze and sun for two hours. I found him adorable, and when we parted ways I asked him if he would be up for hanging out again. He told me he didn't feel the chemistry. Later in the night I messaged him thanking him for the afternoon and suggested if we could be friends. Silence.

    I know I shouldn't; I know it is how it is; but I am starting to feel real jaded and angry - not at those people, not even at myself. But I just can't help but think if there is something wrong with me - if I am just undateable; if I turn off people just like that. I ma pretty much the only person in my social circles who is either not dating or not having someone in the horizon. What am I supposed to do? Should I just say fuck this and stop looking?
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    May 02, 2016 7:05 PM GMT
    I think what you're describing is very, very common among gay men. It's also an issue among some straight people but it's not as acute because they tend to be more oriented toward relationships and eventually settling down, which gives structure and a goal to dating. And definitely by their 30's straight people are usually focused on finding "the one."

    So there is definitely a tendency to being jaded on the part of mature gay men who are looking for relationships. I have a sense, although not from personal experience, that the popular hook-up apps can definitely increase the risk of becoming bitter.

    The best advice I could give is that if your current approach isn't getting you what you want then try a new approach ... don't go along with the crowd. Engage in activities that you really enjoy without any expectation of meeting someone for a romantic liaison. Take up a spiritual practice of your choice that you find fulfilling and meaningful (mediation, going to church, etc.)
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    May 02, 2016 7:15 PM GMT
    I agree that we all deserve a break in life. And most of us do get a couple of those over the years. The only thing is that the breaks in life come as they come, and NOT when we feel that we need or deserve them most. That's just how it is.

    First off, remember that your personal happiness cannot depend on the other people who may have absolutely no vested interest in seeing you happy (or not). Part with the idea that your daily happiness depends in ANY measure on your dating successes or the lack thereof.

    Second off, there is really no accounting for what goes through other people's minds. Some people are simple flakes, as you must have been discovering over and over again. The thought of going on a date sounds so good. Yet, when the day comes a guy suddenly feels that he is really not up to it for a variety of his own, mostly imaginary reasons. Thank God for the fact that you did not get involved with them in the first place. Such dudes are very likely to bring chaos into your life.

    Third off, personal attraction or the lack thereof cannot be really accounted for. If a dude does not feel a spark, he doesn't. Leave it at that, wish him good luck and quickly move on.

    Fourth off, recognize the fact that some guys may be meeting up various other guys, and testing waters, too. If they met someone with whom they share the vibe, and want to give it a try, accept this as a fact that you really cannot change, and move on, too. They have simply called their shots.

    Last but not least, learn to let go. A guy whom you find adorable may not be having the reciprocal feelings for you. He simply imagines his mate to be different. So, you shrug with your shoulders, wish him luck and let him go. You have evolved and reached the serenity to accept the things that you cannot change anyway.

    Focus on what matters in your life, and view this whole dating business as a welcome distraction, a sort of the pastime that you cannot really fully control. If a guy feels that you are keen and only too willing his reflex may be to deny you what you want. If you lean back and assume a far more relaxed attitude remembering that there are quite a few qualified guys around, your world will change.

    SC



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    May 02, 2016 7:34 PM GMT
    Nothing is wrong with you; first and foremost recognize that. I think what happened is that you are having a bout of bad circumstances (which we all get, I could tell you about mine sometime to cheer you up). Keep trying; 1 or 2 dates here and there, don't forget it only takes one time to find the match of your desire. Always be safe! Have you thought of joining Match, or Meetup (those are more reliable for friendship/dating than Manhunt or Grindr and the like). I hope it all works out, best of luck!! icon_cool.gif
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    May 02, 2016 7:58 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidFirst off, remember that your personal happiness cannot depend on the other people who may have absolutely no vested interest in seeing you happy (or not). Part with the idea that your daily happiness depends in ANY measure on your dating successes or the lack thereof.

    This.
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    May 02, 2016 8:31 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud said
    Focus on what matters in your life, and view this whole dating business as a welcome distraction, a sort of the pastime that you cannot really fully control. If a guy feels that you are keen and only too willing his reflex may be to deny you what you want. If you lean back and assume a far more relaxed attitude remembering that there are quite a few qualified guys around, your world will change.



    I could not have said it better!

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Corby

    Posts: 78

    May 02, 2016 9:44 PM GMT
    For me story can be really similar: I'm out of relationship even more than you icon_biggrin.gif But I'm not giving a shit for it. To meet someone nowdays is quite complicated, at least I'm thinking this way. Mostly people are living this (mostly) virtual lives in meeting apps and when it comes to real meeting they are disappearing. icon_smile.gif
    Many of them are unable to distinguish imaginary "prince on white horse" meeting with real one. In this case expectation for real meetia are to hight and then comes the phrase that you're not their type blah, blah, blah.
    Of course in first person you will not meet the right men for you and most likely not in second and third, but I think the idea is clear.

    Do not take it so personally and have fun! icon_smile.gif
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    May 02, 2016 11:07 PM GMT
    I think you are being to hard on yourself. Like others have said very good advise, there is nothing wrong with you - and happiness comes from you and really loving yourself, not from others. When I hear someone say "Other than standing and only 5'6" there could be some self criticism and self esteem there, so love who you are no matter what I know is hard, but just remember you are unique and none in the world is like you.

    Continue to date and do other activities that you like to do, but first love yourself.
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    May 03, 2016 12:00 AM GMT
    A lot of it is about circumstances of timing and luck that are beyond anyone's control. But you have a hot body (based on the faceless photo you posted) and you sound like a nice guy (based on the things you've written). Have you tried OkCupid? I've met and chatted with (and almost never but, yes, occasionally) hooked up with guys on Scruff, but almost all of the dates that had any potential and that have progressed at all (including the current guy I'm seeing) have come from OkCupid. And I bet that that there are plenty of guys (myself included) for whom being 6 feet tall or anything close to it is totally irrelevant in terms of attraction. Good luck and keep your hopes up!

    Oh, and, although some folks will tell you that happiness should come totally from within --- that's certainly easy to say but hard to do -- so don't beat yourself up thinking that there's something wrong with you if you sometimes get into the "it sucks to be single" mood.
  • Looking9

    Posts: 31

    May 03, 2016 4:48 AM GMT
    Dear Guyinsoma,

    Thank you for taking the time to share your dating/meeting experiences over the years. I've gone through similar situations for many years and I'm still single. Just this past weekend I had 2 dates, one guy was very indecisive and 100 pounds overweight, the other, I thought we had chemistry after spending a couple hours talking and drinking, and nothing....

    At thirty-eight you still have time, don't give up, me, being older, I'm close to saying fuck it. Clearly "we" don't know how to play the "game" and as a result we doubt ourselves and wonder what the hell.....

    Do continue trying......


  • May 03, 2016 7:24 AM GMT
    I agree with the above 2 posts. About luck, my bad run has gone on for quite a few years. No boyfr. But thats why its called a bad run. Light at the end of a (very long) tunnel. This is a universal, dont lose hope.

  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 03, 2016 8:33 AM GMT
    It could be that while you're looking for a relationship, or at least someone to date, the guys you're meeting are really only looking for hookups -- which, unfortunately, is very common. And when they say the "chemistry" is not there, what they really mean is you two are not on the same page as to what you're looking for.

    I haven't seen your profile, but it might not be totally clear as to what you're looking for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2016 7:18 PM GMT
    "You can't hurry love. You just have to wait. Trust. Trust. Give it time. No matter how long. Just wait."
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    May 03, 2016 11:53 PM GMT
    I think it can actually help to view dating as a pasttime of its own. Not to say that you don't have serious intentions, but just to lower your upfront investment.

    It can be emotionally exhausting to take every online interaction personally. And regardless of what people say - until you have met in person more than once you can't evaluate their level of interest. So all these first dates are only ever going to be speculative. They're a fun opportunity to maybe try somewhere new for coffee and have a conversation you've not had before, and 99% of the time that is all they will be. And that's ok.

    My advice is to skip as much of the online back and forth as possible. If you find a match you might possibly be interested in and they are open to meeting, enjoy the opportunity and reserve any serious evaluation until afterwards. Most of the time it won't work out. But it's worth it for that one time it finally does.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2016 3:22 AM GMT
    jimib said"You can't hurry love. You just have to wait. Trust. Trust. Give it time. No matter how long. Just wait."


    You can't hurry love
    No, you just have to wait
    She said love don't come easy
    Until then just masturbate!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 04, 2016 3:45 AM GMT
    Go for somebody younger, or somebody older.
    Somebody younger is looking for someone with some experience in life to get them through to the next step.
    Somebody older is looking to recover some of their youth, while still wanting to settle down.
    Don't bother with someone your own age because they are always looking for somebody better.
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    May 04, 2016 5:35 AM GMT
    That's just the gay world and men dating men I guess. You live in San Francisco, I assume that many or most gay men there have a commitment issue or they just want the perfect man coming along and won't settle for less. Anyway, just keep on dating and putting yourself out there. icon_smile.gif
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    May 04, 2016 7:40 AM GMT
    u r not alone..try going into dating with zero expectations..and i thought guys in marketing hv it easier..guess i was wrong...anyways..u cant force love..it just happens
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    May 04, 2016 12:04 PM GMT
    Danny_1M said I think it can actually help to view dating as a pasttime of its own. Not to say that you don't have serious intentions, but just to lower your upfront investment.
    So all these first dates are only ever going to be speculative. They're a fun opportunity to maybe try somewhere new for coffee and have a conversation you've not had before, and 99% of the time that is all they will be. And that's ok.
    Most of the time it won't work out. But it's worth it for that one time it finally does.


    Totally good advice.

    First dates never work, until you find one that does.
    In the meantime, try to enjoy the process, instead of treating each one like a job interview.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    May 06, 2016 1:00 AM GMT
    OP, I'm sorry you're experienceing this but it's not your fault. At least you're actually trying to get to know the guys and that's something not a lot of guys do. So it really isn't you, it's them.

    You seem like a nice enough guy and you'll find the right guy soon. You just have to stay the course and try not to become bitter. I know it's easier said than done, I REALLY do. But if you can keep the bitter/jadedness at bay, you'll be able to find that right guy and he won't blow you off.

    What you're going through is normal, I think a lot of guys have experienced what you have and it only makes it all the more rewarding when you finally meet the right guy.

    Good luck OP
  • ParraSocial

    Posts: 3

    May 06, 2016 9:16 AM GMT
    Never give up and don't lose hope. I am not sure scruff, grindr and the other dating/hookup apps makes it any better as there are tonnes of time wasters and fake profiles. Being confident and taking a positive outlook in life is attractive and that will attract quality partners.
    I wish you the very best in your search.
  • magicjake

    Posts: 31

    May 26, 2016 4:30 AM GMT
    Start by spending less time on a first date. 6 hrs? Even 2 seems too long (to me). The goal of a first date is.. To get a second date, is it not?
    It's not always what you say, it's what you don't say. Keep them interested and thinking about you when it's over.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    May 26, 2016 4:16 PM GMT
    Your profile says you want a Republican to date. That right there would send me in the other direction. Maybe you're getting way too serious in these initial meets. Don't cut and paste a profile from some Q&A nonsense. Write what you think says something about you and also what you value in a potential partner. That gives the guy a starting point in common interests. And why only hookup sites? Guys there are looking for sex. Unlike most of the responses, I think you might should look to change your pattern. I like sex on a first date but I get blasted here for saying that. But even if that's not your thing, try doing something active like going to the zoo or any of a million great things to do in SF. And be sure to shut up some and let the other guy talk. Maybe you're monopolizing the conversation. Or you're too quiet. Be active but also reactive. I've lived in big cities and small towns and I've found ways to connect with good guys in all. Surely in San Francisco you can find a good guy who is also a good fit. Don't be down on yourself but mix up your approach. Remember the old saying, a sure sign of crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expect to get a different result. Good luck. (And by the way, I like 5'6")
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2016 8:21 PM GMT
    It's interesting they say they didn't feel any chemistry. You didn't say if YOU felt any chemistry. The one guy was "adorable" but so is a cat. Did you want to jump his bones? If not then you should be moving on on your terms till you find someone who gives you that spark.

    A lot of people are single and OK with it. I prefer it. But I don't rule anyone out either.