How to deal with a jealous boyfriend? Try or quit?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2016 10:17 PM GMT
    Hi, not sure if this is the right section for this issue, but I'd like to hear some advice from experienced partners on how to deal with your partner's jealousy.

    I've been seeing a guy since last December. I really like him, and in the beginning our connection was incredibly passionate and beautiful, but because we live in different cities and we travel a lot, most of our interactions have been through virtual contact, and we have to plan our meets. We've planned travelling together as well, and ways for seeing each other within our possibilities.
    But we've also run through some rough patches, and we've fought to keep our connection alive, which has dwindled with time nevertheless. As we moved on, he slowly showed to be quite jealous, but because we cannot see each other that often he would manifest it mostly by withdrawing for a while, rather than expressing it openly. Given our living styles I once suggested an open-relationship for the times when we were apart for prolonged periods, which I believe he didn't take it well, but again, he never replied openly to it.

    We met last weekend in San Diego, and though mostly everything went lovely in my opinion during our time together, he recently exploded due to a misunderstanding, and we had a big discussion in which both of us expressed our feelings. Among the many things said, he thinks I'm insensitive towards his feelings, he's bothered that I would turn to look at a handsome guy on the street or read an article of a handsome Hollywood guy, and indirectly expressed anger or fear that I would cheat on him, or that I would try to take advantage on his career. I told him I felt he was being ridiculous for being jealous at me reading a magazine or looking once in a while at a guy on the street, and his jealousy and mood-swings bothered. We finished the discussion with "let's see how it goes; I think there are possibilities; we need time", which I'm not sure how to take it, if like a break, or a restart. He has not written to me since.

    Of course, like in every relationship, I've made mistakes too, but I'm not sure how to feel and what to do. A part of me really wants to try again now that I think I know what's the core of the problem and because I still care for him. Another part of me is wary of how well could he manage his jealousy, and how would we end. I'm turn between giving it a few days-weeks to write back, write right away, or not anymore. So far he's shown to be very sweet, generous and understanding, but also deeply insecure.

    Thanks for your time








  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2016 12:16 AM GMT
    I can tell this guy you're seeing has some insecurity issues.
    Nothing feels better than being able to be a grown up man and owning your own sexuality.
    I'm not the least bit jealous if my man says... Damn, look at that guy!
    I too have that same freedom and it feels natural. We have similar tastes and even though we're monogamous, we're not nuns and can freely show admiration for our fellow man without an ounce of jealousy. If anything, it just makes us horny for each other.
    Horny.. 2 men.. it's a beautiful thing!
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    May 04, 2016 2:08 AM GMT
    I know, I agree with you. In the beginning I would talk about hot guys hoping to make a conversation with him, and learn of what turns him on, but he replied little. But he never expresses his discomfort or anger openly, but instead he becomes less approachable, or will suddenly reply with an intense msg or letter.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    May 04, 2016 3:03 AM GMT
    why do people get caught up in long distance relationships...sigh.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 04, 2016 7:24 AM GMT
    He does sound like he might be a little insecure. But I also don't blame him on one point.

    You're only human, and it's perfectly normal for you to notice attractive guys you come across even when in a relationship. But, you're checking out other hot guys WHILE you're in his company!? I'm sorry, but that's pretty fucking rude, tacky, and douchey.

    If I'm on a date, he gets 100% of my undivided attention. If I'm on a date, and my date is checking out other guys during the course of our date, the date is over and there will not be another one.
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    May 04, 2016 8:36 AM GMT
    Do you give him any reason to be jealous? Jealousy can be healthy and funny at one point, but mostly it's just not good.
    Scenario 1: The jealous one is insecure and controlling.

    Scenario 2: The other has an indication that he's likely to cheat or wants to cheat.

    If (1) is true and (2) is not, than the jealous guy is unreasonable. He looks like a bad case. Not worth it.

    If (1) is false and (2) is true, than the jealous guy is justified, but instead of being bitchy and passive aggressive, he should assert what he wants in a relationship and make a conversation about it, and then maybe leave him if he wants a monogamous relationship.

    If (1) is true and (2) is also true, well, then it will be an interesting soap opera. Drama... drama... drama...
  • RainBow_Drago...

    Posts: 337

    May 04, 2016 8:45 AM GMT
    Welcome to the club of jealous boyfriends! I've been with my boyfriend for three years. He's the sweetest, most caring man I have known. But he gets jealous too easily, and it bothers me a lot.

    I have many attractive straight guys-friends, and my boyfriend gets jealous when I hang out with them even though he knows they're all heterosexuals and it frustrates me so much. He keeps promising he won't get jealous anymore and that he's just scared of losing me. And I believe him, but his jealousy can be very annoying sometimes.

    Talk to him about it and set up some ground rules, and see if you both can't come to a compromise you're both happy with.
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    May 04, 2016 9:03 AM GMT
    RainBow_Dragon2000 saidWelcome to the club of jealous boyfriends! I've been with my boyfriend for three years. He's the sweetest, most caring man I have known. But he gets jealous too easily, and it bothers me a lot.

    I have many attractive straight guys-friends, and my boyfriend jealous when I hang out with them even though he knows they're all heterosexuals and it frustrates me so much. He keeps promising he won't get jealous anymore and that hes just scared of losing me. And I believe him, but he's jealousy can be very annoying sometimes.

    Talk to him about it and set up some ground rules, and see if you both can't come to a compromise you're both happy with.

    Talking about is definitely a must.
    Though he pointed out himself that he suggested an open relationship, and talked about hot guys and checking out other guys (did he do that while being around him? My God...).
    So there might be some good reason for a lot of gay guys to be jealous about tit. of course if we're talking about monogamous relationship here with just reasonable amount of jealousy.
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    May 04, 2016 4:26 PM GMT
    Allen saidHe does sound like he might be a little insecure. But I also don't blame him on one point.

    You're only human, and it's perfectly normal for you to notice attractive guys you come across even when in a relationship. But, you're checking out other hot guys WHILE you're in his company!? I'm sorry, but that's pretty fucking rude, tacky, and douchey.

    If I'm on a date, he gets 100% of my undivided attention. If I'm on a date, and my date is checking out other guys during the course of our date, the date is over and there will not be another one.


    I'm not checking out other guys for potential dates, and it's not like I check every single guy out. I simply notice when they're good looking, and sometimes try to make casual conversation about it so he can share what kind of things turn him on. I don't see what's tacky, douchey or rude about it, but I suppose that, if he thinks like you, maybe that's why he feels offended. Thanks mate.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    May 04, 2016 5:55 PM GMT
    Most good relationships begin with a monogamy period. For the simple reason that neither one of you want anyone else. My guy and I (almost nine years) started out long distance though it was drivable, two hours. I remember my heart just ached when we would part. Seriously. Sometimes I'd have to pull off the road. And I, like your guy, get quiet when unhappy about a relationship issue. Usually because I know I'm making too much of something in my mind and I want to calm myself down before I say something stupid. So I can relate.

    One of the strains on a long distance thing is the question of whether or not it will ever NOT be a long distance thing. Do you see an end-point? But the most important question is do you want this guy? It sounds like he wants you and is getting serious. Do you want to get serious? If the answer is yes, call him immediately and tell him you care for him and don't want to fight over stupid stuff. That's it. Not everything has to be a long, painful conversation.

    But you also say the relationship has dwindled. That's a bad sign. If you no longer ache in your heart to see him, you should understand that he's still feeling it and knows you're not. If my guy had proposed an open relationship at five months (or less), we wouldn't be together today. So he has reason to think you're moving on mentally. Now we've always had fun with pointing out other guys to each other but if I felt insecure in our relationship, I probably wouldn't like it either and I'd be unhappy.

    So the question is do you think you're falling in or out of love? His reaction to the current status sounds fair to me.
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    May 04, 2016 6:19 PM GMT
    FreeMedley said
    ...Of course, like in every relationship, I've made mistakes too...


    Hi OP, I can't advise on "dealing with your partner's jealousy" as I'm probably the jealous one myself.

    My ex did what you're doing to this guy, and maybe I am insecure, but for a 'jealous' person it feels very disrespectful especially at the beginning of a relationship - it undermines the entire thing when you are still working out how you feel about each other. Sometimes I tried doing the same back to him, but that felt cruel and got nowhere. Also making your partner jealous might cause passive aggression in him as feeling jealous is a bad feeling and not something to shout about. And frustration. Jealousy, frustration, confusion, none of it is a nice experience...especially when willingly cultivated by a boyfriend. That's hurtful.

    To me, when you're with someone you shouldn't treat them like they're second best. I assume you wouldn't want to be treated that way either. Since it's still early in your relationship, you maybe haven't earned each others' entire trust yet, so you shouldn't be undermining what you have with this guy by pointing out what else is available. Is he not good-looking enough for you? It doesn't matter how you intend the comments to be perceived, if your behaviour is undermining the relationship inside his head.

    I think some douchebags even undermine their partners confidence as a long-term ploy to convince the undermined partner that they couldn't do any better and are lucky to be with said douchebag - one way of doing this is pointing out how good-looking everyone else is, and it's a major turn off.

    Honestly I feel it's unreasonable to expect him to change his feelings overnight. Once you have achieved his trust things will probably be different. He may have been hurt before in his life and needs a lot of convincing that he can trust you/that he is special to you. If it were me the only way this could be saved is for you to understand each others' point of view and for you to apologise for being an insensitive douche and reign in your behaviour (and him too if he has been a douche, but from what I read I really feel his side).

    It's much easier for you to change your behaviour than for him to change his feelings - none of us comes through life perfectly adjusted and there are probably valid reasons in his childhood for his insecurity. Hopefully in time he'll trust you more and mellow out but feelings have deep roots, whereas behaviour can be controlled.

    Of course if a fundamental requirement in your relationships is a need to point out good-looking guys whenever you see one, then you two aren't compatible!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2016 8:39 PM GMT
    Allen said...
    You're only human, and it's perfectly normal for you to notice attractive guys you come across even when in a relationship. But, you're checking out other hot guys WHILE you're in his company!? I'm sorry, but that's pretty fucking rude, tacky, and douchey.

    If I'm on a date, he gets 100% of my undivided attention. If I'm on a date, and my date is checking out other guys during the course of our date, the date is over and there will not be another one.


    I don't believe that!!! grin! Fuck! You're a DOG, fc'ss! Dogs sniff at everything everywhere all the time!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2016 9:18 PM GMT
    Hello OP,

    Jealousy and insecurity are two things that, if not addressed early, can kill a relationship. Of course, communication is key when you guys are apart, and there has to be a mutual trust, or else your imagination just gets the best of you. That in itself, is never a good situation.

    You did mention the possibility of an open relationship. That I think is a bad idea. If you guys like each other very much, why not have date night once a week, where you both cook dinner and eat over Skype, or watch a movie "together" and discuss it afterwards. I think the love/attraction deal only dwindles if you let it.

    You also mentioned that when you aren't able to see each other for a while, he withdraws. Talk to him about this and tell him how it makes you feel. Unfortunately, since you both are in different cities, you'll have to communicate a little more and be more open about your feelings with each other than you would if you're close to each other. I say that, and mean that hey, if you were seeing him tonight and something was wrong, you would feel it. You can't necessary "feel" his emotions in this case, so he has to communicate them.

    Even though I am not the jealous type, I can understand why he would feel the way he would after you check out someone handsome. My feeling with someone is, you can check him out all you'd like... At the end of the night, you're still in my bed... icon_smile.gif But I would definitely work on showing him that you are serious about him. Case in point, I just had a look at your profile, and you mentioned that you're into meeting guys including hookups... It's just what you're putting out is that you're single and looking, when you have something potentially good with someone that may require a bit more effort. I can sense he's feeling frustrated.

    The moral of this story is that you'll are long distance... Gotta step up the communication game. You have to also decide if you want to invest the time in making this work, or if you would like to see what's available. If the latter, I would suggest letting him go, and you both may find what you're looking for. I hope I've made sense, and hope it works for the best for you both.

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    May 05, 2016 1:26 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidMost good relationships begin with a monogamy period. For the simple reason that neither one of you want anyone else. My guy and I (almost nine years) started out long distance though it was drivable, two hours. I remember my heart just ached when we would part. Seriously. Sometimes I'd have to pull off the road. And I, like your guy, get quiet when unhappy about a relationship issue. Usually because I know I'm making too much of something in my mind and I want to calm myself down before I say something stupid. So I can relate.

    One of the strains on a long distance thing is the question of whether or not it will ever NOT be a long distance thing. Do you see an end-point? But the most important question is do you want this guy? It sounds like he wants you and is getting serious. Do you want to get serious? If the answer is yes, call him immediately and tell him you care for him and don't want to fight over stupid stuff. That's it. Not everything has to be a long, painful conversation.

    But you also say the relationship has dwindled. That's a bad sign. If you no longer ache in your heart to see him, you should understand that he's still feeling it and knows you're not. If my guy had proposed an open relationship at five months (or less), we wouldn't be together today. So he has reason to think you're moving on mentally. Now we've always had fun with pointing out other guys to each other but if I felt insecure in our relationship, I probably wouldn't like it either and I'd be unhappy.

    So the question is do you think you're falling in or out of love? His reaction to the current status sounds fair to me.



    You know, I think you're right. I've been thinking that maybe I rushed by suggesting an open relationship. It wasn't meant as an excuse to meet other guys, but as an option to add freedom to both of us when were were away for prolonged periods, but the more I think on it, I can feel how it must have frustrated him. I still think he exaggerates sometimes, but now I guess I was a bit tactless as well. Thanks for your comment.






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    May 05, 2016 1:30 AM GMT
    Ronar2 saidDo you give him any reason to be jealous? Jealousy can be healthy and funny at one point, but mostly it's just not good.
    Scenario 1: The jealous one is insecure and controlling.

    Scenario 2: The other has an indication that he's likely to cheat or wants to cheat.

    If (1) is true and (2) is not, than the jealous guy is unreasonable. He looks like a bad case. Not worth it.

    If (1) is false and (2) is true, than the jealous guy is justified, but instead of being bitchy and passive aggressive, he should assert what he wants in a relationship and make a conversation about it, and then maybe leave him if he wants a monogamous relationship.

    If (1) is true and (2) is also true, well, then it will be an interesting soap opera. Drama... drama... drama...


    To be honest, at this point I'm not sure. In the beginning I was very afraid of option (1), but lately I think that maybe I rushed in suggesting an OR, and thus promoted option (2). I suppose that if I am clear with him that he has nothing to worry about option (2), then time will decide if it's option 1 or not. Thank you for your time mate icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2016 1:32 AM GMT
    [quote] So the question is do you think you're falling in or out of love? His reaction to the current status sounds fair to me.[/quote]

    No, I think I'm still very much in love. I hope I can correct this. Thanks again for your point of view.
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    May 05, 2016 1:34 AM GMT
    [quote] Case in point, I just had a look at your profile, and you mentioned that you're into meeting guys including hookups... It's just what you're putting out is that you're single and looking, when you have something potentially good with someone that may require a bit more effort. I can sense he's feeling frustrated.


    Thanks Sean.
    My RJ profile is old, and haven't updated much ever since I started dating this guy, hence it still keeps that status of mine.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2016 1:37 AM GMT
    GTPSean saidHello OP,

    Jealousy and insecurity are two things that, if not addressed early, can kill a relationship. Of course, communication is key when you guys are apart, and there has to be a mutual trust, or else your imagination just gets the best of you. That in itself, is never a good situation.

    You did mention the possibility of an open relationship. That I think is a bad idea. If you guys like each other very much, why not have date night once a week, where you both cook dinner and eat over Skype, or watch a movie "together" and discuss it afterwards. I think the love/attraction deal only dwindles if you let it.

    You also mentioned that when you aren't able to see each other for a while, he withdraws. Talk to him about this and tell him how it makes you feel. Unfortunately, since you both are in different cities, you'll have to communicate a little more and be more open about your feelings with each other than you would if you're close to each other. I say that, and mean that hey, if you were seeing him tonight and something was wrong, you would feel it. You can't necessary "feel" his emotions in this case, so he has to communicate them.

    Even though I am not the jealous type, I can understand why he would feel the way he would after you check out someone handsome. My feeling with someone is, you can check him out all you'd like... At the end of the night, you're still in my bed... icon_smile.gif But I would definitely work on showing him that you are serious about him. Case in point, I just had a look at your profile, and you mentioned that you're into meeting guys including hookups... It's just what you're putting out is that you're single and looking, when you have something potentially good with someone that may require a bit more effort. I can sense he's feeling frustrated.

    The moral of this story is that you'll are long distance... Gotta step up the communication game. You have to also decide if you want to invest the time in making this work, or if you would like to see what's available. If the latter, I would suggest letting him go, and you both may find what you're looking for. I hope I've made sense, and hope it works for the best for you both.

    Cheers,

    Sean



    I agree with you with most of your points. Thanks Sean for your time and advice!

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    May 05, 2016 1:40 AM GMT
    mindblank said
    FreeMedley said
    ...Of course, like in every relationship, I've made mistakes too...


    Hi OP, I can't advise on "dealing with your partner's jealousy" as I'm probably the jealous one myself.

    My ex did what you're doing to this guy, and maybe I am insecure, but for a 'jealous' person it feels very disrespectful especially at the beginning of a relationship - it undermines the entire thing when you are still working out how you feel about each other. Sometimes I tried doing the same back to him, but that felt cruel and got nowhere. Also making your partner jealous might cause passive aggression in him as feeling jealous is a bad feeling and not something to shout about. And frustration. Jealousy, frustration, confusion, none of it is a nice experience...especially when willingly cultivated by a boyfriend. That's hurtful.

    To me, when you're with someone you shouldn't treat them like they're second best. I assume you wouldn't want to be treated that way either. Since it's still early in your relationship, you maybe haven't earned each others' entire trust yet, so you shouldn't be undermining what you have with this guy by pointing out what else is available. Is he not good-looking enough for you? It doesn't matter how you intend the comments to be perceived, if your behaviour is undermining the relationship inside his head.

    I think some douchebags even undermine their partners confidence as a long-term ploy to convince the undermined partner that they couldn't do any better and are lucky to be with said douchebag - one way of doing this is pointing out how good-looking everyone else is, and it's a major turn off.

    Honestly I feel it's unreasonable to expect him to change his feelings overnight. Once you have achieved his trust things will probably be different. He may have been hurt before in his life and needs a lot of convincing that he can trust you/that he is special to you. If it were me the only way this could be saved is for you to understand each others' point of view and for you to apologise for being an insensitive douche and reign in your behaviour (and him too if he has been a douche, but from what I read I really feel his side).

    It's much easier for you to change your behaviour than for him to change his feelings - none of us comes through life perfectly adjusted and there are probably valid reasons in his childhood for his insecurity. Hopefully in time he'll trust you more and mellow out but feelings have deep roots, whereas behaviour can be controlled.

    Of course if a fundamental requirement in your relationships is a need to point out good-looking guys whenever you see one, then you two aren't compatible!



    I think you've made really good points, but I heavily disagree with you for calling me a douchebag, and suggesting I'm trying to manipulate him. In any case, I've been too honest, blunt, and a bit tactless, but I don't play with my partner's feelings.

    That said, you've helped me see how it may be that my partner feels. Thanks.









  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2016 3:40 AM GMT
    My guy and I check out other guys when we are together and we point them out to each other so we can both enjoy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 06, 2016 8:51 PM GMT
    There's a difference between being a little jealous and being crazy jealous.

    I get a little jealous (moreso than most gay men would agree is acceptable). I would not be in a relationship a guy who is checking out other guys all the time or who is always "liking" or commenting on pics of hot guys on facebook, but it sounds like you're not doing that. You just checkout out the occasional hot guy (which is totally natural) or read articles. Are you reading these articles BECAUSE the guy is hot and you just want to talk about how hot the guy is with your bf, or are you reading the articles because of the content?

    It sounds like he's beyond the usual range of jealous and he is likely very insecure.
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    May 07, 2016 4:04 AM GMT
    jackedgamer saidThere's a difference between being a little jealous and being crazy jealous.

    I get a little jealous (moreso than most gay men would agree is acceptable). I would not be in a relationship a guy who is checking out other guys all the time or who is always "liking" or commenting on pics of hot guys on facebook, but it sounds like you're not doing that. You just checkout out the occasional hot guy (which is totally natural) or read articles. Are you reading these articles BECAUSE the guy is hot and you just want to talk about how hot the guy is with your bf, or are you reading the articles because of the content?

    It sounds like he's beyond the usual range of jealous and he is likely very insecure.


    Thanks for undertanding. Mate. I have only read one magazine with him, which was for the content and to talk about the hot guy on it. The rest have been only casual comments.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    May 07, 2016 4:21 AM GMT


    Wait are we dating? Cause it sounds like you are dating me.


    I think you're pushing a rock up hill. Insecure people aren't likely to change if they're still insecure at a certain age unless there is some major life shifting stuff about to happen and even then it's doubtful that the insecurity will do anything but manifest itself in different ways.


    I feel like the only way to get past this, is for you to change your behaviour and give in to his unreasonable demands or to lavish some sort of gifts of attention and affection on him everytime you make him mad, which are both pretty shitty long term solutions. But this is sort of the bind you are in, you are in a relationship with a person who doesn't really like the way you act in very deep and emotional ways, you are always hurting him or atleast reminding him that he's not enough and it makes him angry. Of course none of this is your fault, but it's highly unlikely that it will stop and very much likely that it will always make him see you as a sort of potential threat for the rest of your relationship. Regardless of what he tells you, he will always view you with a certain degree of skepticism and that will come out in how he treats you.

    Right now, it seems distance might be the only thing saving this relationship because it's harder for you to offend him at distance and easier to ignore you when he wants to. Imagine if he had to deal with you, the person who pisses him off and hurts him so, in his face under the same roof.....how many uncomfortable good nights will that be? Do you want a life time of that?



    So i think you should consider the chances this person will change themselves in some deep profound manner. If they can't acknowledge that this is almost all their problem, there is no hope at all that they'll change really, so that leaves you having to change.



  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    May 07, 2016 8:52 AM GMT
    FreeMedley saidI know, I agree with you. In the beginning I would talk about hot guys hoping to make a conversation with him, and learn of what turns him on, but he replied little. But he never expresses his discomfort or anger openly, but instead he becomes less approachable, or will suddenly reply with an intense msg or letter.

    You don't cope with jealousy issues. HE does. His jealousy is an internal programming thing, and adjusting yourself to accommodate dysfunction is not a wise thing. Suggest therapy so he find out where this was modeled as an acceptable behavior. It is not. It is a form of insecurity and can escalate into a dangerous one at that, or have you forgotten OJ Simpson?
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    May 07, 2016 8:53 AM GMT
    badbug said

    Wait are we dating? Cause it sounds like you are dating me.


    I think you're pushing a rock up hill. Insecure people aren't likely to change if they're still insecure at a certain age unless there is some major life shifting stuff about to happen and even then it's doubtful that the insecurity will do anything but manifest itself in different ways.


    I feel like the only way to get past this, is for you to change your behaviour and give in to his unreasonable demands or to lavish some sort of gifts of attention and affection on him everytime you make him mad, which are both pretty shitty long term solutions. But this is sort of the bind you are in, you are in a relationship with a person who doesn't really like the way you act in very deep and emotional ways, you are always hurting him or atleast reminding him that he's not enough and it makes him angry. Of course none of this is your fault, but it's highly unlikely that it will stop and very much likely that it will always make him see you as a sort of potential threat for the rest of your relationship. Regardless of what he tells you, he will always view you with a certain degree of skepticism and that will come out in how he treats you.


    Right now, it seems distance might be the only thing saving this relationship because it's harder for you to offend him at distance and easier to ignore you when he wants to. Imagine if he had to deal with you, the person who pisses him off and hurts him so, in his face under the same roof.....how many uncomfortable good nights will that be? Do you want a life time of that?



    So i think you should consider the chances this person will change themselves in some deep profound manner. If they can't acknowledge that this is almost all their problem, there is no hope at all that they'll change really, so that leaves you having to change.





    Precisely.