Feeling lonely in a relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2016 12:16 PM GMT
    Last night, a group of my friends wanted to get together. They invited me and my partner, but my partner didn't want to go. I had a great time with my friends...we ordered pizza and sat around talking for several hours. On the way home in the subway, I suddenly felt very lonely and it was painful. My partner doesn't like to do very much and gets tired easily, so I wind up doing things on my own quite a bit. He also won't hold my hand in public or show any signs of affection. Most of the time I'm strong enough to deal with it, but it really hurt last night. Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you do about it?
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    May 07, 2016 1:14 PM GMT
    PhoenixNYC said
    ...On the way home in the subway, I suddenly felt very lonely and it was painful. ...Most of the time I'm strong enough to deal with it, but it really hurt last night. Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you do about it?

    Would you describe your role as more of a caretaker than a partner? How long have you been together?

    Sometimes a needy guy latches on to another not for love, but for tangible support. And of course in LTRs of older couples, that stage may evolve on its own. With a partner at 82 I may be entering that (or him with me, quite frankly).

    But we can't know in your case, insufficient data. If your guy is a dependent taker, a leach who attached himself to you, you might be better dropping him. But if you've been with him for a long time, then you have moral and ethical obligations. If this is a change with him maybe he needs a medical consultation. Your additional information will be useful here.
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    May 07, 2016 1:50 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    PhoenixNYC said
    ...On the way home in the subway, I suddenly felt very lonely and it was painful. ...Most of the time I'm strong enough to deal with it, but it really hurt last night. Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you do about it?

    Would you describe your role as more of a caretaker than a partner? How long have you been together?

    Sometimes a needy guy latches on to another not for love, but for tangible support. And of course in LTRs of older couples, that stage may evolve on its own. With a partner at 82 I may be entering that (or him with me, quite frankly).

    But we can't know in your case, insufficient data. If your guy is a dependent taker, a leach who attached himself to you, you might be better dropping him. But if you've been with him for a long time, then you have moral and ethical obligations. If this is a change with him maybe he needs a medical consultation. You additional information will be useful here.


    We've been together for 7 1/2 years and live together. We also have a business together and a dog. I tend to do more of the care taking...I do most of the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and finances. I also handle the paperwork, scheduling, and taxes for our business. I guess I tend to give more than I take in the relationship. Lately he's been really grumpy, and snaps at me quite a bit, too.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    May 07, 2016 2:36 PM GMT
    It sounds like you may want to reinvent your relationship a bit. 7 1/2 years into the process, the time may be ripe, too.

    You may want to understand that socializing over the pizzas with the friends is not everyone's definition of a 'great evening'. I know a few great, outgoing, perfectly sociable guys who have gone overboard doing the 'socializing bit' both professionally and privately, and are now rationing it very strictly. You CAN overdo the good thing, too.

    To the givers, makers and doers among us, it only comes naturally that we take charge and burden ourselves with all the work there is. It makes a lot of sense to keep this urge under control, too. It is not really about all the work and effort. It is about the feeling that your goodness is being used by someone who may be intentionally or unintentionally exploiting you.

    Life is a lot about sharing. Sit at the proverbial kitchen table and agree to share the chores. See that whoever does more gets somehow compensated. Attach a 'price tag' to slacking away from your duties, and the things will start heading north againicon_biggrin.gif.

    Remind each other that what keeps you together is love. Snapping at you or at him or at anyone else is just NOT an option.

    SC
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    May 07, 2016 5:19 PM GMT
    PhoenixNYC said
    Art_Deco said
    PhoenixNYC said
    ...On the way home in the subway, I suddenly felt very lonely and it was painful. ...Most of the time I'm strong enough to deal with it, but it really hurt last night. Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you do about it?

    Would you describe your role as more of a caretaker than a partner? How long have you been together?

    Sometimes a needy guy latches on to another not for love, but for tangible support. And of course in LTRs of older couples, that stage may evolve on its own. With a partner at 82 I may be entering that (or him with me, quite frankly).

    But we can't know in your case, insufficient data. If your guy is a dependent taker, a leach who attached himself to you, you might be better dropping him. But if you've been with him for a long time, then you have moral and ethical obligations. If this is a change with him maybe he needs a medical consultation. You additional information will be useful here.


    We've been together for 7 1/2 years and live together. We also have a business together and a dog. I tend to do more of the care taking...I do most of the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and finances. I also handle the paperwork, scheduling, and taxes for our business. I guess I tend to give more than I take in the relationship. Lately he's been really grumpy, and snaps at me quite a bit, too.


    Damn, what's he good for? He must be great in bed or has a huge cock.
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    May 07, 2016 6:09 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidIt sounds like you may want to reinvent your relationship a bit. 7 1/2 years into the process, the time may be ripe, too.

    You may want to understand that socializing over the pizzas with the friends is not everyone's definition of a 'great evening'. I know a few great, outgoing, perfectly sociable guys who have gone overboard doing the 'socializing bit' both professionally and privately, and are now rationing it very strictly. You CAN overdo the good thing, too.

    To the givers, makers and doers among us, it only comes naturally that we take charge and burden ourselves with all the work there is. It makes a lot of sense to keep this urge under control, too. It is not really about all the work and effort. It is about the feeling that your goodness is being used by someone who may be intentionally or unintentionally exploiting you.

    Life is a lot about sharing. Sit at the proverbial kitchen table and agree to share the chores. See that whoever does more gets somehow compensated. Attach a 'price tag' to slacking away from your duties, and the things will start heading north againicon_biggrin.gif.

    Remind each other that what keeps you together is love. Snapping at you or at him or at anyone else is just NOT an option.

    SC


    Thanks for the advice...very helpful. I'll really think it over and make some decisions. By the way, these are good friends we spend time with on a regular basis. We even went to Florida with two of them. However, more and more I hear from them, "Where is ______?" and I have to say he's tired or not feeling good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2016 10:00 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidIt sounds like you may want to reinvent your relationship a bit. 7 1/2 years into the process, the time may be ripe, too.

    You may want to understand that socializing over the pizzas with the friends is not everyone's definition of a 'great evening'. I know a few great, outgoing, perfectly sociable guys who have gone overboard doing the 'socializing bit' both professionally and privately, and are now rationing it very strictly. You CAN overdo the good thing, too.

    To the givers, makers and doers among us, it only comes naturally that we take charge and burden ourselves with all the work there is. It makes a lot of sense to keep this urge under control, too. It is not really about all the work and effort. It is about the feeling that your goodness is being used by someone who may be intentionally or unintentionally exploiting you.

    Life is a lot about sharing. Sit at the proverbial kitchen table and agree to share the chores. See that whoever does more gets somehow compensated. Attach a 'price tag' to slacking away from your duties, and the things will start heading north againicon_biggrin.gif.

    Remind each other that what keeps you together is love. Snapping at you or at him or at anyone else is just NOT an option.

    SC


    It's over......or close to it. Get pro help(that will motivate him to do/be more). Or start the leaving process. IMHO
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    May 07, 2016 10:27 PM GMT
    Eddy12free said
    SilverRRCloud saidIt sounds like you may want to reinvent your relationship a bit. 7 1/2 years into the process, the time may be ripe, too.

    You may want to understand that socializing over the pizzas with the friends is not everyone's definition of a 'great evening'. I know a few great, outgoing, perfectly sociable guys who have gone overboard doing the 'socializing bit' both professionally and privately, and are now rationing it very strictly. You CAN overdo the good thing, too.

    To the givers, makers and doers among us, it only comes naturally that we take charge and burden ourselves with all the work there is. It makes a lot of sense to keep this urge under control, too. It is not really about all the work and effort. It is about the feeling that your goodness is being used by someone who may be intentionally or unintentionally exploiting you.

    Life is a lot about sharing. Sit at the proverbial kitchen table and agree to share the chores. See that whoever does more gets somehow compensated. Attach a 'price tag' to slacking away from your duties, and the things will start heading north againicon_biggrin.gif.

    Remind each other that what keeps you together is love. Snapping at you or at him or at anyone else is just NOT an option.

    SC


    I'm not quite ready to end the relationship yet...I still feel like it could be salvaged. We have a lot invested in it, including our business.

    It's over......or close to it. Get pro help(that will motivate him to do/be more). Or start the leaving process. IMHO
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    May 07, 2016 11:16 PM GMT
    PhoenixNYC said
    Eddy12free said
    SilverRRCloud saidIt sounds like you may want to reinvent your relationship a bit. 7 1/2 years into the process, the time may be ripe, too.

    You may want to understand that socializing over the pizzas with the friends is not everyone's definition of a 'great evening'. I know a few great, outgoing, perfectly sociable guys who have gone overboard doing the 'socializing bit' both professionally and privately, and are now rationing it very strictly. You CAN overdo the good thing, too.

    To the givers, makers and doers among us, it only comes naturally that we take charge and burden ourselves with all the work there is. It makes a lot of sense to keep this urge under control, too. It is not really about all the work and effort. It is about the feeling that your goodness is being used by someone who may be intentionally or unintentionally exploiting you.

    Life is a lot about sharing. Sit at the proverbial kitchen table and agree to share the chores. See that whoever does more gets somehow compensated. Attach a 'price tag' to slacking away from your duties, and the things will start heading north againicon_biggrin.gif.

    Remind each other that what keeps you together is love. Snapping at you or at him or at anyone else is just NOT an option.

    SC


    I'm not quite ready to end the relationship yet...I still feel like it could be salvaged. We have a lot invested in it, including our business.

    It's over......or close to it. Get pro help(that will motivate him to do/be more). Or start the leaving process. IMHO


    May I suggest again....professional counselling? It will be bring a lot of clarity to the issues, and decisions can be based on specific "knowns" of the relationship....instead of guesses and fears and "old automatic responses".
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    May 08, 2016 12:08 AM GMT
    Eddy12free said
    PhoenixNYC said
    Eddy12free said
    SilverRRCloud saidIt sounds like you may want to reinvent your relationship a bit. 7 1/2 years into the process, the time may be ripe, too.

    You may want to understand that socializing over the pizzas with the friends is not everyone's definition of a 'great evening'. I know a few great, outgoing, perfectly sociable guys who have gone overboard doing the 'socializing bit' both professionally and privately, and are now rationing it very strictly. You CAN overdo the good thing, too.

    To the givers, makers and doers among us, it only comes naturally that we take charge and burden ourselves with all the work there is. It makes a lot of sense to keep this urge under control, too. It is not really about all the work and effort. It is about the feeling that your goodness is being used by someone who may be intentionally or unintentionally exploiting you.

    Life is a lot about sharing. Sit at the proverbial kitchen table and agree to share the chores. See that whoever does more gets somehow compensated. Attach a 'price tag' to slacking away from your duties, and the things will start heading north againicon_biggrin.gif.

    Remind each other that what keeps you together is love. Snapping at you or at him or at anyone else is just NOT an option.

    SC


    I'm not quite ready to end the relationship yet...I still feel like it could be salvaged. We have a lot invested in it, including our business.

    It's over......or close to it. Get pro help(that will motivate him to do/be more). Or start the leaving process. IMHO


    May I suggest again....professional counselling? It will be bring a lot of clarity to the issues, and decisions can be based on specific "knowns" of the relationship....instead of guesses and fears and "old automatic responses".


    I'm planning to go for myself...doing some initial inquiries. I highly doubt he would ever go, however.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 08, 2016 1:16 AM GMT
    have you considered the possibility that the low energy, irritability, social withdrawal, etc., might be signs of physical illness or major depression?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 08, 2016 1:19 AM GMT
    Only your partner can tell you what is wrong. You have to communicate with him. Give him the benefit of the doubt you've been together for a long time
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    May 08, 2016 1:31 AM GMT
    TexDef07 saidhave you considered the possibility that the low energy, irritability, social withdrawal, etc., might be signs of physical illness or major depression?


    I've considered depression. He doesn't spend any time with his friends and wouldn't even go to his best friend's birthday party; I had to bring another friend with me. I've spent more time with his friends than he has. He barely leaves the apartment when we're not working.
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    May 08, 2016 1:33 AM GMT
    zoltar saidOnly your partner can tell you what is wrong. You have to communicate with him. Give him the benefit of the doubt you've been together for a long time


    It's tough talking to someone who won't talk to me. I've tried and tried so many different ways. I don't always know when he's being honest, either...I've caught him in some big lies.
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    May 08, 2016 1:35 AM GMT
    I agree the others... if you're 7 years in, you should tell him you'd like for the both of you to go to a counselor for advice. You guys are in a serious relationship and deserve a serious approach to help you for the next several years to come. He might have anxiety issues that you might unknowingly be contributing to. Likewise, you have certain needs where you might need someone skilled to help you to get him to meet.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 08, 2016 1:39 AM GMT
    Sounds like YOU are a relationship of convenience. Some one who truly loves you wants the whole world to know and is not ashamed or afraid to show that in public .... unless of course if you live in the middle east or some other God-forsaken place. And since you are give 150% and him ... somewhat less ... you are now being taken advantage of.

    Best of Luck. icon_sad.gif
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    May 08, 2016 1:41 AM GMT
    PhoenixNYC said
    zoltar saidOnly your partner can tell you what is wrong. You have to communicate with him. Give him the benefit of the doubt you've been together for a long time


    It's tough talking to someone who won't talk to me. I've tried and tried so many different ways. I don't always know when he's being honest, either...I've caught him in some big lies.


    My partner is very closed off and/or what feels like being secretive about "his" life. I have to kind of drag out of him that his life is our life so that doesn't work. Sounds like you aren't very trusting of him because he won't talk to you. You are going to have to be blunt. We either communicate and work on things and build that trust and bond back or its over. If he isn't willing to go to couples therapy and you want that then that shows he doesn't value you or the relationship. At some point if all avenues have been explored you have to choose you.
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    May 08, 2016 1:48 AM GMT
    I am sorry for your difficulty. after 7 years you have a lots invested in the man and would it be nice if something could be salvaged. Take some time and effort. Forget your emotions and get to work...

    so how to get things to work:
    -i am sure you dont keep a list of who's fault it is was.
    -is alcohol involved?
    -your both about the same age?
    -nothing traumatic happen such as; change in employment, death of family friends?

    -discover things both of you would sorta like and would do together. Even if it is reading out loud together.
    -pick and choose with care but move some of your tasking to him. Pick something you dont have to monitor and he must to do like laundry.
    -get yourself separate bank and charge accounts and start filing separate taxes, etc.
    -nice if you have a girl friend you can hang out with once in a while, invite her over to your home too.
    -arrange to go out with your friends more often, invite your partner and text him while your there.
    -tell him you love him more than ever
    -what were you dong before you met him and start doing those things again
    -volunteer into some organizations.

    bottom line if you leave him you will be REALLY alone. Its a two way street so figure just how bad things are with him. granted he is just extra baggage but at least you have have a person to call your own.


  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    May 08, 2016 4:59 AM GMT
    except for him doing the cleaning etc. (im hopeless - and i did it for 12 years in my previous relationship)you are dating my bf.

    grumpy, tired, sick, no sex, always doing stuff that doesnt need doing to not do anything else. sigh.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 08, 2016 6:10 AM GMT
    It sucks that you are lonely when you have been in a relationship for many years. That alone is a major sign. All the best .

  • May 08, 2016 7:26 AM GMT
    Phoenix you are lucky to at least have a rel'.
    So you felt lonely on the sub after you spent quality time with your friends before getting home to a partner? At least he is at home for you. At least you have friends. That subway moment was just that. A moment. But if he never goes out did he ever go out? If he did, you need to accept that he now wants to 'nest.' Ultimately, we all do, give or take a few great evenings out. But I guess thats the crux, isnt it.
    He needs to give you at least that.icon_wink.gif
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    May 08, 2016 8:18 AM GMT
    As men we are strong and tend to express our feelings alone or with someone we trust. I too have moments of doubting my hun, but despite not always being together, it doesn't hurt to think warmly of him and know his love.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 08, 2016 9:09 AM GMT
    PhoenixNYC said
    TexDef07 saidhave you considered the possibility that the low energy, irritability, social withdrawal, etc., might be signs of physical illness or major depression?


    I've considered depression. He doesn't spend any time with his friends and wouldn't even go to his best friend's birthday party; I had to bring another friend with me. I've spent more time with his friends than he has. He barely leaves the apartment when we're not working.


    Sounds very much like he's suffering from depression.
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    May 08, 2016 10:32 AM GMT
    addams_adventure saidPhoenix you are lucky to at least have a rel'.
    So you felt lonely on the sub after you spent quality time with your friends before getting home to a partner? At least he is at home for you. At least you have friends. That subway moment was just that. A moment. But if he never goes out did he ever go out? If he did, you need to accept that he now wants to 'nest.' Ultimately, we all do, give or take a few great evenings out. But I guess thats the crux, isnt it.
    He needs to give you at least that.icon_wink.gif


    We used to do a lot together in the first few years. We'd go to movies, museums, out for dinner, plays, concerts, etc...but now he doesn't want to go to any of those things. I usually go by myself now or with a friend. I can occasionally get him to do something but he complains about it the whole time.
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    May 08, 2016 10:34 AM GMT
    Allen said
    PhoenixNYC said
    TexDef07 saidhave you considered the possibility that the low energy, irritability, social withdrawal, etc., might be signs of physical illness or major depression?


    I've considered depression. He doesn't spend any time with his friends and wouldn't even go to his best friend's birthday party; I had to bring another friend with me. I've spent more time with his friends than he has. He barely leaves the apartment when we're not working.


    Sounds very much like he's suffering from depression.


    I'm really thinking that might be it. I was waiting for him to come home last night, and he came back pretty late. He got into an argument with his parents; his mother locked herself in the bathroom and was crying when he left. He's very moody and I never know what's going to set him off.