How to open this guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2016 7:00 PM GMT
    Hello, I am new here and looking for some advice. In short: A cute Italian seduced me at my international workplace just by using his body language (this is possible as we spend 1/3 of our time at work). However, when I make moves, he keeps rejecting me. There is clearly something between us, but I have no idea what is the “access code” to this guy. I would be grateful for the advice from more experienced forum users icon_smile.gif

    FACTS
    * Before anything has started, at a very beginning of his career in my company (10 months ago), he said in a disrespectful way among group of colleagues “Do you mean this guy that looks like gay?” what was weird and was supposed to sound like a disrespectful joke

    * He started (7 months ago) this by staring at me in situations where we saw each other, but couldn’t directly interact (e.g. he was staring at me during his meetings in a room with glass walls, I was outside the room, could see him through glass). He maintained the eye contact even when I was looking back for a couple of seconds and there were thousands of watts flowing between our eyes

    * While we had a direct conversation about work on open office space (lots of other colleagues around), he gave me a “kiss look”

    * When I approached him (sometimes immediately, e.g. 10 min after the kiss look), he was not able to sustain a conversation with me for more than 3 minutes, he clearly didn’t feel comfortable talking to me not in private

    * He always acted strange around me. He is usually talkative, but never talks and is superb shy to me. However, he often talks to colleagues around me ignoring me

    * After multiple failed approaches I decided to move on and dated another guy. He felt that I lost interest in him immediately and let me “overhear” him talking to our colleagues that he has a girlfriend

    * After this I was angry at him (I showed that I am pissed off), he was trying to establish contact and was sending IOIs (indicators of interest) with a feeling of guilt

    * He had cold and warm phases when he was either sending IOIs or avoiding me or displaying ignorance or showing off etc.

    * He sometimes attacked me personally once we were in a group, e.g. during company-sponsored language class he insulted my country of origin, which was clearly personal. I attended the class only once..

    * Next day after the language class, I asked him out for beer on facebook (“no homo”..) but he wrote back that he is out of city with his girlfriend

    * After the facebook message I was in a really cold phase - avoiding and ignoring him. Then he went on holidays and I decided to give him one more chance. After his holidays he was still looking at me, but there was this “interest” component missing

    * I wrote him on facebook once more asking to talk to clear things out. He pretended he had no idea what I want. He wanted to meet in an office conference room, while I suggested outside of work - we met in the conference room

    * During the meeting I was his punching bag. I clearly felt he is in a very cold phase so I said I wanted to talk about our non-verbal communication. He denied everything after my first sentence and even laughed at me. He was quite aggressive, but when I opposed he immediately dropping his statement, what seemed that his aggression is superficial

    * Twice he was wearing the same clothes for 2 days in a row, usually after a failed interaction with me (e.g. after the meeting)

    * After the meeting we were avoiding each other for days. We met each other during after work beer (unexpectedly) and I felt he was looking at me from time to time

    * After this I was not showing any interest in him. I also became more like alpha male as I got the impression this is what he is attracted to. He started coming to my part of the office and chatting with my colleagues again. He told my colleague that she should go home (on Friday afternoon) as she is a woman and he stays longer as he is a man – that was extremely strange and said so clearly, that I easily heard it

    * He told our colleagues that he moved to this country for his girlfriend and they live together on the suburbs (why wearing same clothes for two days then?)

    * There is no trace on FB of him being around any girl or boy (ever), but he also doesn't update facebook (at least now, usually is tagged by others)

    I tried to give up already, but then he freaked out and attracted my attention anyway. Since we work together, it is impossible to isolate him. Getting over him in work settings is too difficult, so please advise me, how should I approach this guy? What do you think is his “PIN code”? How can I open him? What type of guy is he and what he expects from me?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2016 7:31 PM GMT
    leave him alone
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2016 8:12 PM GMT
    Already tried but he won't leave me alone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2016 8:18 PM GMT
    pellaz saidleave him alone


    Exactly!!

    latest?cb=20140512231601
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2016 8:25 PM GMT
    but why would I do that? he is the one initiated the whole thing and keeps on pinging me even if I am ignoring him.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 11, 2016 8:31 PM GMT
    It is all in your head. He is straight and sounds like an asshole anyway. And you sound borderline crazy delusional.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2016 8:58 PM GMT
    mrpi saidbut why would I do that? he is the one initiated the whole thing and keeps on pinging me even if I am ignoring him.

    Alright.
    Even if that's true, there is nothing that you can do. What are you gonna do? Lure him in? Trick him? Seduce him? If he said no, then no it is.
    Just ignore, ignore, and ignore.
    He may be being passive aggressive. Or that you just misread stuff from him.
    Either way, why would you want to take chances on this anyway?
    Sounds like a bad case.
    If it's me, it would be better not to deal with him. Unless it's affecting your working space, then it's bad.
    But what you're wondering was "how to open this guy?" Open to do what? If it's just to talk and end this problem, then yeah that's something that you should do. I agree.
    But if it's about dating him then well... maybe others here can help you on how to score him. because I don't know. As I don't like games and drama. I'm too old for that shit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2016 9:25 PM GMT
    My advice is learn to edit. I did not read another word after "hello" because it was obvious you are crazy and wordy, two big giant red flags. Editing is your friend.
  • TombRaider

    Posts: 94

    May 11, 2016 9:32 PM GMT
    I say ignore him and do you're own thing. He could also be trying to be the dominate one. Ask him out once more and if that falls through move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2016 1:52 AM GMT
    With all do respect it sounds like you have some sort of social anxiety issues around men. I wouldn't pursue anything otherwise you may find yourself without a job
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    May 12, 2016 2:28 AM GMT
    For some reason I assumed this thread was going to be about prying open a tight hole.
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    May 12, 2016 7:34 AM GMT
    Ronar2 and TombRaider - thank you for your input, this is very valuable.

    I actually receive a lot of signals from him. I just didn't write down them all because then it would be too long. He keeps on pinging me and since we work together 8h/day, after months this brings effects. If I ignore him, he sends stronger signals which are difficult to ignore. E.g. talking about his gf next to me in a way that it sounds fake. Once when he was in a cold phase, he was passing next to me while I was talking to my colleague who is also a friend of both of us. He usually stops next to her and chats. This time he saw me next to her, she waved at him but he pretended to not see. Since she knew I had problems with love life she immediately connected the dots. Yesterday he found a fuck up in my area of responsibility. I had to spend hours on checking this. He sent me and to others e-mails in which he didn't write to me personally (although only I could do it), nor thanked in the end. He however came to colleague sitting next to me to discuss things he should discuss with me. So this might be his new way of communicating with me. There are many more similar examples. Maybe some are misinterpreted as it is hard for me to distict now what he meant to show, what he showed unconsciously and what he didn't want to show.

    In general, he creates a strong context, but never makes a clear move. However, since the context is so strong now, it is pretty clear to me that he wants something. I just don't know what extacly hence I asked for advice.

    TombRaider saidHe could also be trying to be the dominate one.


    What do you mean exactly? Because this is a feeling that I also have, but he doesn't make an actual move, just keeps on pinging me to make a move, but I don't know what it should be.
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    May 12, 2016 9:45 AM GMT
    I think it's all in your head, which someone else commented.

    You are turning simple cues, gestures, and body language into something that it is not. One point was that he said he had a girlfriend in the suburbs but doesn't post online. Not everyone likes to broadcast their info online for people to see. Why? Because people like you stalk them and they dnt want the world knowing their business.

    As others have mentioned, leave him alone. If you think he likes you, then wait for him to make a move. A clear move, like holding hands, kissing you, groping you.

    All the best.
  • andres_1987

    Posts: 36

    May 12, 2016 9:56 AM GMT
    Sorry, but Is all in your head and maybe you are a little obsesed. I say you should move on to your next fornication and leave this bloke alone.
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    May 12, 2016 10:10 AM GMT
    Teki saidI think it's all in your head, which someone else commented.

    You are turning simple cues, gestures, and body language into something that it is not. One point was that he said he had a girlfriend in the suburbs but doesn't post online. Not everyone likes to broadcast their info online for people to see. Why? Because people like you stalk them and they dnt want the world knowing their business.

    As others have mentioned, leave him alone. If you think he likes you, then wait for him to make a move. A clear move, like holding hands, kissing you, groping you.

    All the best.


    Thank you for advice. This is my current plan actually. My previous boyfriend at the first beer told me that he doesn't like gay people and that he had a girlfriend for 6 years. This was all not true. He just felt very insecure about coming out to me directly. He actually hired the Italian guy icon_biggrin.gif

    This is probably a matter of someone's background. On the other hand, I am not sure if he is capable of doing such a straightforward move. He is superb deep in the closet what causes this all.
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    May 12, 2016 1:24 PM GMT
    christastic saidFor some reason I assumed this thread was going to be about prying open a tight hole.


    That's easy......just use "awkward SEX".... ; )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2016 4:58 PM GMT
    Mate,

    This being a guy that 1) is in your common workplace, and works directly with your department, as well as 2) is really demanding of your attention, I think you need to really do your best to ignore him and not give him the time of day. Keep it professional. If he wants to ask you something related to work, you can entertain it. Other than that, stop being so gullible and think that this guy is good for you. He is going to keep doing until he gets you in trouble, if not terminated. These people are attention and emotional vampires, and would suck the life out of you if you allow. As a Director with my firm, I see this kind of nonsense a LOT.

    This guy is trouble, and he is going to get you to do something stupid that you're going to regret, including and not limited to jeopardising your career.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2016 6:33 PM GMT
    You can believe this or not, but you are getting exactly what you want, the chase, no commitment, no need to worry if you will somehow fail. So, what you need to consider is, what are not getting anywhere else in your life? Surely you can find a suitable person to have a relationship with, but this game where you are the eternal victim is too much fun for you. It will never be what you claim you want, it is exactly what you want and why not, flirting is fun, but this is where you work, are you prepared to find a new career? This is a cat and mouse game.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    May 12, 2016 9:05 PM GMT
    GTPSean saidMate,

    This being a guy that 1) is in your common workplace, and works directly with your department, as well as 2) is really demanding of your attention, I think you need to really do your best to ignore him and not give him the time of day. Keep it professional. If he wants to ask you something related to work, you can entertain it. Other than that, stop being so gullible and think that this guy is good for you. He is going to keep doing until he gets you in trouble, if not terminated. These people are attention and emotional vampires, and would suck the life out of them if you allow. As a Director with my firm, I see this kind of nonsense a LOT.

    This guy is trouble, and he is going to get you to do something stupid that you're going to regret, including and not limited to jeopardising your career.

    Cheers,

    Sean


    ^^^ THIS ^^^

    He should be avoided to the greatest possible extent. Any unavoidable work related interaction should be made as impersonal and formal as possible with no exceptions. No good can come of handling it any other way.
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    May 12, 2016 9:56 PM GMT
    mrpi saidHowever, when I make moves, he keeps rejecting me.

    He is not interested.

    MAYBE he's closeted and IS interested, but he's clearly not ready. And that's a big maybe. It actually sounds like he's straight and doesn't like gay people. The "kissy faces" he made at you weren't to let you know he wanted to kiss you, but to make fun of you for being gay and being obsessed with him. That's how I read the situation at least, and this is through your skewed filter of how you're perceiving the situation and relating it.

    Honestly, you sound obsessed with him and you should leave him alone or else you might get fired.
  • equus77

    Posts: 55

    May 13, 2016 12:46 AM GMT
    christastic saidFor some reason I assumed this thread was going to be about prying open a tight hole.


    +1 icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2016 1:11 AM GMT
    Wow, you're very prolix.
  • TombRaider

    Posts: 94

    May 13, 2016 1:35 AM GMT
    TombRaider saidHe could also be trying to be the dominate one.


    What do you mean exactly? Because this is a feeling that I also have, but he doesn't make an actual move, just keeps on pinging me to make a move, but I don't know what it should be.[/quote]

    Like I said above, ignore him and let him make his move if he is into you. Don't even look at him, don't even speak to him unless you have too. If nothing happens in time, he's just not that into you or he's straight icon_wink.gif
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    May 13, 2016 2:18 PM GMT
    My question to the OP. If it was a women instead of a guy, what would you do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2016 4:28 PM GMT
    Let him go ....
    The way you are conducting yourself with him is going to cause you problems at work , he definitely is bad news for you !