How Involved Should I Get in My Friend's Fight With his Boyfriend?

  • RainBow_Drago...

    Posts: 337

    May 13, 2016 6:30 PM GMT
    How Involved Should I Get in My Friend's Fight With his Boyfriend?

    it's hard to watch your friend suffer. He has asked me to call his boyfriend and find out what's going on and let him know how much he is hurting.

    I know he deserves better than this, but I truly don't feel comfortable getting involved.

    I don't want him to suffer because his boyfriend won't grow the fuck up , but I don't see how my calling him will help the situation.

    Do I honor my friend's request and get in the middle of their relationship, or do I find a way to tell him no?
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    May 13, 2016 6:36 PM GMT
    I think it's smart not to get involved, since when two people make up, then "you" become the punching bag. They're gonna look at you and any advice you give them as taking sides, or favouring one for the other.

    I would let your friend know respectfully that you are here for his support, but he and his boyfriend are going to have to work out the kinks in their relationship, even if it means seeking counselling.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • TombRaider

    Posts: 94

    May 13, 2016 6:42 PM GMT
    I agree, don't get involved with their situation. They both have to resolve their issues. It's what makes people learn from their relationships, past and present.
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    May 13, 2016 7:35 PM GMT
    It's very ill-advised to get involved. Don't go there.
    As a friend, you should just be there when he needs support. But it was his boyfriend, he's the one who has to figure it out and take care of it himself.
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    May 13, 2016 7:41 PM GMT
    Tell your friend you'll listen to his laments and will support him in any way possible just short of getting directly involved with his BF.

    DO NOT say anything derogatory about this BF. It will sure come back to bite you in the ass when they reconcile.
  • ANTiSociaLiNJ...

    Posts: 1163

    May 13, 2016 8:46 PM GMT
    Stay out of it unless you're asked for advice.
  • Relajado

    Posts: 409

    May 14, 2016 3:41 PM GMT
    Don't get involved.
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    May 14, 2016 4:22 PM GMT
    Not4u saidTell your friend you'll listen to his laments and will support him in any way possible just short of getting directly involved with his BF.

    DO NOT say anything derogatory about this BF. It will sure come back to bite you in the ass when they reconcile.

    Good advice. As seems to be the conscensus here, stay out of the middle of it.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    May 14, 2016 5:27 PM GMT
    "How Involved Should I Get in My Friend's Fight With his Boyfriend?"

    In the actual conflict--you DON'T. But quietly apart with your friend, you can lend emotional support.
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    May 14, 2016 6:05 PM GMT
    The guys who are telling you to not get involved must not watch enough TV. Imagine that you're on some TV reality show and act accordingly.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    May 14, 2016 6:49 PM GMT
    oh Hellll...no ...wouldn't it be great if we could make people act just like we want ...if we say something ..Never works
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14360

    May 14, 2016 7:37 PM GMT
    GTPSean saidI think it's smart not to get involved, since when two people make up, then "you" become the punching bag. They're gonna look at you and any advice you give them as taking sides, or favouring one for the other.

    I would let your friend know respectfully that you are here for his support, but he and his boyfriend are going to have to work out the kinks in their relationship, even if it means seeking counselling.

    Cheers,

    Sean
    Damn righticon_exclaim.gif
    Stay out of iticon_exclaim.gif
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    May 14, 2016 8:29 PM GMT
    RainBow_Dragon2000 saidHow Involved Should I Get in My Friend's Fight With his Boyfriend?

    it's hard to watch your friend suffer. He has asked me to call his boyfriend and find out what's going on and let him know how much he is hurting.

    I know he deserves better than this, but I truly don't feel comfortable getting involved.

    I don't want him to suffer because his boyfriend won't grow the fuck up , but I don't see how my calling him will help the situation.

    Do I honor my friend's request and get in the middle of their relationship, or do I find a way to tell him no?


    I'm going to disagree with everyone on here. If your friend is suffering physical or mental abuse you should be involved. If it warrants, call a help line or even the police.
    If the partner sees you as a neutral party discuss it with him. If not he will see it as meddlesome. It may be your friend is being overly dramatic. If THAT then tell him to grow some balls and take it by the horns himself.
    It's a matter of degree. If you loose your friend by becoming involved make sure it is worthwhile. As in spousal abuse. It has to be serious enough where the friendship is secondary to survival.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2016 10:55 PM GMT
    To the RJ Community: How involved should you be on site about being a jock, when your main focus appears to be wearing makeup, and not emphasizing anything gym related in your profile?

  • onlyawhisper

    Posts: 61

    May 15, 2016 12:26 AM GMT
    Don't get involved unless someone's health or safety is at risk. This never ends well for the friend who gets in the middle, and I've learned that first hand. Let them fight it out amongst themselves.
  • BuddhaLing

    Posts: 107

    May 15, 2016 1:47 PM GMT
    RainBow_Dragon2000 saidHow Involved Should I Get in My Friend's Fight With his Boyfriend?

    it's hard to watch your friend suffer. He has asked me to call his boyfriend and find out what's going on and let him know how much he is hurting.

    I know he deserves better than this, but I truly don't feel comfortable getting involved.

    I don't want him to suffer because his boyfriend won't grow the fuck up , but I don't see how my calling him will help the situation.

    Do I honor my friend's request and get in the middle of their relationship, or do I find a way to tell him no?


    Don't get involved!!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    May 15, 2016 3:33 PM GMT
    Getting involved is a huge mistake. If he's dumb enough to stay with this jerk, you should question your friends intelligence and self esteem.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    May 16, 2016 12:14 AM GMT
    Your friend wants you to contact his BF to let him know how he feels. Don't! However, you could suggest that he write his BF to let him know how he feels. There are situations in which written communication works better because in writing, one can take time to express one's self more clearly and accurately and the receiver is unable to interrupt. Of course writing is not a substitute for all face to face communication, but sometimes it does work better.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jun 16, 2016 5:03 AM GMT
    FRE0 saidYour friend wants you to contact his BF to let him know how he feels. Don't! However, you could suggest that he write his BF to let him know how he feels. There are situations in which written communication works better because in writing, one can take time to express one's self more clearly and accurately and the receiver is unable to interrupt. Of course writing is not a substitute for all face to face communication, but sometimes it does work better.


    I agree. Besides which, your friend should be able to express his emotions himself. The fact that he cannot, speaks to his abilities as a person presumably having an adult relationship. It is akin to going to your mother and asking her to speak to your husband or wife for you. No, NOT in any way a good idea. He must be able to speak for himself, short of violence in the relationship, and then, what purpose would your approach serve? You could not talk the abuser out of violence: that is a learned trait. No violence? Not your business. The boundaries here pretty nebulous when your friend asks you to do the talking for him. That prevents him from feeling emotions in real time with the person he is involved with. What is he afraid of hearing if he is speaking for himself, because there is most assuredly something he does not want to say, and also things he does not want to hear. If he wants an adult relationship, he must be an adult and be IN the relationship, not asking others to do the work for him.

    The letter writing, though? I've advised clients to do that if they felt they would become defensive and not be able to 'hear' the other person's response because they were wrapped up in their emotions too much to be objective.