Open Long Distance Relationship

  • Mikeable

    Posts: 1

    May 16, 2016 10:34 AM GMT
    Hi there,

    I have something that keeps me awake for a couple of days already.

    I'm still in the closet and don't really have anyone to talk to about this topic.

    First a bit about me. I'm a 26 y/o model, moving to New York in a few days. Which is great step in my career but I have a boyfriend 33 who's living in London whom I truly love from the bottom of my heart. It's my second relationship with a guy and haven't slept with anyone else but them two as I don't really mess around with others and I sort of connect sex with affection and don't really feel the 'need' at all. Different with my boyfriend though.

    I met him 6 months ago and things have been pretty great the first 3 weeks. We've been seeing each other on a regular basis have been sleeping over at his almost on a daily basis and then I had to move back to Germany for personal reasons. Just a couple of days without him I already started missing him a lot so I have decided to fly over. And yeah, so i did quite a few weekends and have been staying at his place.

    We both like to go to go to night clubs, dance and take drugs. So one day he tells me he is heading to Berlin to berghain which is probably the Mecca of gay clubs and he kept telling all sort of stories that happen there. As I got to know him a bit better I of course got told all of his sexual encounters with people which are quite a few threesomes, glory holes, bj at clubs, stds, not ever using condoms as it's a turn off for him and of course grindr and hornet hook ups which I do not use at all.
    We were 3 months in our relation ship when berghain happened and I stayed over in London the night before he left to Berlin and me heading back to my place in western Germany. I really thought he would have asked me to come with but all he said after showing me the harness he bought and wants to wear at the club was 'I'm not gonna ask you to come with!' which sort of hurt. The next 4 days and nights were hell for me. I have not slept at all, not a minute, I just couldn't shake the thought him doig something with someone else. I was on my phone actually expecting him to message me to get my ass over to Berlin and tag along with him and his buddies. But yeah it did not happen.

    So the following weekend I flew back to him in London as he was about to leave the country for a two month holiday.

    We messaged daily he send me pictures of him with his friends and family and been skyping quite a bit as well. A month into his holiday I decided to quit the rehabilitation of my leg - forgot to mention I have been in an accident a year ago and sort off have issues ever since.

    I flew to him and stayed for 5 weeks with him. It was 24/7 which resulted in a few fights. Let me say it was completely different than it was back in London. But when he was in London we both had our own schedules and we saw each other much less. And for some reason after a few days there was a massive communication or let's say a socialising issue for me for some unknown reason because usually I'm very open and love to speak to people but it was different on this trip. He has told all his family and friends about me so everyone was expecting me and couldn't wait to finally meet you. Alright, so I have met his mom first, a lot of his friends and close friends as well, went to a cousins meeting and at all of these I was quite....literally said a sentence or two. I still don't know what was wrong with me, seriously it was like a wall was built and I was scared to open up my mouth. I could see the disappointment in most of his friends eyes and more importantly in my boyfriend's which made it worse everytime I saw that. Then we had a longer discussion and things went better from that point. I met his dad and I was communicating a bit better at least I had the feeling I did and then I said something to my bf when I saw his old family pictures at his parents place. It was a him topless at the age of 17 and I said he looks kind of the same 'body wise'....which hit him a bit hard i think as he got pretty serious. To be fair it took him a bit to get to the level of fitness he is at right now in fact he has been working out for almost half his life now and when I tried to explain that his abs loom kind of the same though I think I made it worse. Which was a bit of a setback for me trying to get back at socialising as the tension was there since I have said that and we were having more of his family and family friends over for dinner so guess what...I was quite quiet opened up a little but still quit though. I just love him for who he is not for how his body looks like and I mean who wouldn't gain a little here and there after a month of holidays...

    Anyways so we were heading back home after being together for five weeks and meeting all his family and friends. And I know it was definitely not my boyfriend expected it to be like I felt his interest fade more and more you or maybe I'm just imagining it. I don't know.

    So we're sitting on the plane having a minor or actually bigger fight right before boarding, he actually snapped at me and yelled which felt like punch in my stomach as it was our last hours together before our ways part for a longer period of time and there he is telling at me for the first actually brought tears in my eyes...big times and I'm usually not a cry baby, hehe

    And then this happened after he has apologiesed for overreacting.... He asked if we were in an open relationship once I'm heading to new York.... Baaaam tears again and massive confusion. I mean, dude you just introduced me to your whole family and friends showed me the country you were born in and then you want an open relationship with me? And we have had this question before and I told him three things are most important for me in a relationship: honesty, communication and fidelity. He disagreed back then with fidelity but said he would do it for me so he did I assume. But then this question comes up again???

    Everything was running through my mind again, all his unprotected sexual encounters, STDs, him dancing with someone else kissing fucking or being fucked...I just didn't know what to say and tears kept pouring as I was dreading this. I sort of felt this was it, he is going to break up with me because of our holidays together..... I told him again to me sex/bjs/wanks/kisses is connected with affection even if it's just a tiny bit. And he mentioned that I can't say that people that have been together for years and years and having an open relationship don't love each other and I replied I guess they love each other less than I love you then, which I guess must be the case. Coz the thought of him with another person is killing me literally makes my heart ache and my stomach upset... He also said it's his 'need' to have something with someone at least once a month so ictold him I will make sure I will come to see him every month or if he wants even every second but I could feel the tension after the discussion and our last 2 hours together he was busy reclaiming his Kindle at the lost and found when which he lost on his way out of London. When we said good bye he said he loves me and that we will make it work and we hugged and kissed but honestly if was not the same?

    I don't know guys I'm literally thinking of him 24/7 wondering how he's doing what he's doing. I really love that fella.

    Ah and one more thing, he still has grindr ,hornet and tinder on his phone and when I asked him why that is he said he wouldn't want to lose his contacts or account of something like that...isn't that just assuming we would eventually break up. He asked me if that was an issue and said it wouldn't be but I don't know much about these apps... Is it that hard to delete it from your phone after being in a relationship for six months or am I wrong?

    Hope to hear your opinion and can't wait to read your responses. I
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2016 2:08 PM GMT
    It sounds like you're incompatible on many levels. If you feel that the relationship is worth salvaging, you need to have a "no holds barred" conversation in which you put everything on the table and discuss everything with absolute candor. That being said, my sense from your post is that your apparent differences are simply too significant to ignore.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2016 3:00 PM GMT
    i know it keeps you awake at night, and it seems you cant forget him. If you choose to let him go it will fade into a nice memory you have of him. good luck and success in NYC.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    May 16, 2016 3:23 PM GMT
    He likes leading a highly sexualized lifestyle and you do not. That can sometimes be handled if you're living together but in a long distance relationship, it just won't work. And that doesn't even address the health risk to both himself and you. I'd say move too New York, find a guy that thinks like you do and move on. If at some point you find yourself back in the same city and single, you can rethink it but for now, there's no chance of this being anything but a train wreck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2016 3:36 PM GMT
    Sounds like the two of you have different expectations and definitions.

    Maybe he believes he is being faithful to you because he can just have sex with someone without 'love.' I don't know, you don't know, and nobody else knows.

    YOU have to have a deep conversation with him about expectations.
  • Corby

    Posts: 79

    May 16, 2016 5:50 PM GMT
    I will be sceptical one - I have never understood the term - an open relationship and long distance relationship generally is something strange!
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 17, 2016 6:34 AM GMT
    You two are sooooooooo not on the same page. And I honestly don't think you ever will be. (I also think that way deep down, you already know that.)

    I realize it's going to hurt for you to hear this, but it's time for you to move on and find someone you're more compatible with. I believe you only have pain and heartache ahead of you as long as you're with him. And I also think the longer you stay with him, the more you're just postponing the inevitable.

    I know, you're really, really in love; and I have no doubt you are.

    Whatever you decide to do, I sincerely hope it works out for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2016 8:43 PM GMT

    Hope you are well. In seeing this, it sounds like you are "forcing" to make it work. Why would you try so hard to be with a guy whom is not on your level? In your note, you stated that he didn't want you to come with him to Berlin. Instead of being in your home country, and not being able to wait to spend time with you, he's out sexing it up.

    You mentioned he's had his share of STI's before. I would say that like the saying goes, "Never make someone a priority whom only makes you an option." At this point, you have a lot going for you, and you're getting ready to move to New York, a city FILLED with wonderful guys. It's time to cut this bloke loose and find one whom is on your maturity level emotionally.

    It also really bothers me, and I mentioned before that you're trying too hard to be with him. It seems as, so far, you're the one flying to London to be with him... You're the one offering to come back to London from New York. Let him put in a little effort. This guy is not for you. Go out and be with a guy whom deserves you.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2016 9:23 PM GMT
    You seem like an odd mix of 1950s traditional family man and a clubber who enjoys his action-packed night life and drugs. I don't think you're going to find many people with traditional attitudes toward love and marriage who enjoy doing the same things you do (or who are in the industry you chose to be in).

    I don't really know what to say. Life can be difficult to navigate through when we find ourselves in spheres that don't often overlap or that directly conflict with each other. We have to manage as best as we can, and the only way we can do that is if we are conscious of the conflicting spheres we are in (or in your case, a social sphere and one's personality and moral commitments).

    In this particular case it seems that your boyfriend doesn't share the same moral values that you do - y'all are not on the same page and thus it won't work. But, the future will hold more of the same for you unless you bear the above in mind. There are guys out there who will be infinitely better fits with you than this guy, and undoubtedly some of them live in New York City. You'll be better off letting this guy become a pleasant memory, as someone else already mentioned, and moving on.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 515

    May 19, 2016 2:30 AM GMT
    I agree with both posters above mine. I'd also say that you should take some time to be single and become comfortable with yourself. You need to come out. It's freeing in more ways than you can imagine! Right now, you're like an orphaned baby sparrow that imprinted on a chicken. That chicken can't teach you to fly.

    NYC life is fast. You're going to meet a lot of attractive guys. But the outcome is going to be the same if you attach yourself to someone else without really knowing them and accepting their lifestyle. There are plenty of support groups and hotlines here. You've already moved on physically. Find a place or an activity that makes you happy and work on yourself emotionally.