Semi-monogamous

  • gaygeek24

    Posts: 14

    May 16, 2016 11:13 PM GMT
    I have always been one to fall for guys I like pretty hard and fast, and I've always believed that monogamy was the only way for me. I have been cheated on in both long term relationships I've had, which has resulted in damages to my self esteem, and caused me to project insecurities onto people I have tried to date. Always assuming they might be playing me, or that they are no actually interested in being with me.
    Recently I met a guy who is completely different from anyone I've ever dated. He is sweet, he's handsome, and He is such bad a positive and supportive person. I am more comfortable with than I have been with anyone in a long time.
    I feel like things are going to be getting serous soon, which is great, but the only thing I can tell we are both nervous about is how new he is to the gay scene. He is 23 and until recently he had never been in a relationship with a guy, and was a virgin. After having his heart broken by the first guy, he has now gotten use to the idea and enjoyed the appeal of being single... I'm worried that if we move forward and try to be monogamous it may not last long because he will feel like he still has so much to experience before he commits to a single person. For the first time ever I feel like I would be comfortable with a semi open relationship. Not the kind where we would get free passes anytime we want, but where we may fool around with a third, or a couple. Always together, never alone. Our sex drives are completely alike and we are into all of the same things. It's amazing. I feel like it could work but there would need to be communication and understanding... I guess I am just not sure how to have the conversation and see where he's at. I just know that I really care about him and I really want to see where this goes, even if it means we may have to share every once in a while. I guess I am asking what your thoughts and opinions might be. What do you think of open relationships, or of the arrangement I mentioned?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2016 12:07 AM GMT
    One step at a time. Establish a relationship first, before having the monogamy talk. Otherwise, share your thoughts with him and listen to what he has to say about it. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

    22 years open relationship here and still going strong
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    May 17, 2016 2:59 AM GMT

    My thoughts are that you still sound insecure, which is understandable but will almost certainly cause you problems with this relationship. You seem to be heading into it with the mentality that it is doomed from the start and since you feel this way so early, it's going to be hard for you not to view every little setback like the beginning of the end.

    I feel like your thoughts about monogamy and having a semi open relationship are ways for you to try and control the possibility that you will end up having your feelings hurt again.


    I have always been one to fall for guys I like pretty hard and fast

    Recently I met a guy who is completely different from anyone I've ever dated



    I think time will show you that this person is not very different from anyone else. I think part of you desperately wants this person to be different, because you didn't like the outcomes of your past relationships.


    As the other person has commented, one step at a time. You seem to think too much, which is a great trait for most things but not so much in human relations.

    I am more comfortable with than I have been with anyone in a long time


    Find out why that is. And learn to make this feeling for yourself, with anyone. That way it won't seem as though you can only feel this way or be this way with this one person but can learn to feel this way and be this way no matter who you are with, and as a result won't have to worry so much about whether or not this will last.

  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 17, 2016 6:54 AM GMT
    There is no such thing as a semi-monogamous. That's like saying your daughter is semi-pregnant. You either are, or you're not.

    If you want to compromise, then by all means do so. Just don't pretend you're being something you're not.

    Good luck though!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2016 2:50 PM GMT
    I'm all for open relationships, but you can't shove it down someone's throat. In other words, the decision to have an open relationship should be a mutual decision, not coerced. An ideal open relationship is one in which the parties involved have precise rules of engagement which must be strictly enforced, a violation of which would mean a breach of trust. Examples of rules of engagement: 3-somes only where both parties are involved; no overnight stays; no repeats or follow-up communication with the third without the involvement of both parties; certain acts not allowed (for example, no French kissing, no rimming, no penetration, no swallowing, etc.). Wishing you the best.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 17, 2016 3:37 PM GMT
    I think what you describe is a good plan. But... Start with monogamy. That is usually easy because in the early blush of a relationship, there simply is no desire to be with anyone else. And it may stay that way forever. But I do think you're right that it is tough to commit to an exclusive relationship before you've experienced a bit of random (as I like to call it). So the idea of a three-way provides a mental pressure release that you together may or may not use or need. The fact that it may be available possibly could be the very reason you never need it. And you can frame it to your guy that way-- Just tell him you've been thinking about it for exactly that reason but you'd like to start with monogamy for a while. See how he reacts. He may say he'll never need it but the very fact that you've mentioned it may save your relationship some day. And I disagree with Allen^^^. That's just semantics. Don't get caught up on labels. You're thinking about a potential partner's needs and that is a loving thing to do.
  • you_know_Its_...

    Posts: 261

    May 18, 2016 3:52 AM GMT
    tldr, but "semi-monogamous" as a word makes as much sense as "semi-airtight", which is not airtight at all
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 18, 2016 4:13 AM GMT
    you_know_its_true saidtldr, but "semi-monogamous" as a word makes as much sense as "semi-airtight", which is not airtight at all

    What an asshole.
  • jlars12

    Posts: 82

    May 18, 2016 4:25 AM GMT
    LMAO he's right though
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    May 19, 2016 2:09 AM GMT
    He's 23. Give him some space to walk his own path. We are well off the farm and out of the village... there's no need to hitch up so quickly.

    Falling hard and fast is a surefire way become disappointed quickly when someone doesn't align with the expectations (and, perhaps, fantasies) that we all can't help but form in that state of being smitten. Take your time just getting to know each other. The relationship stuff will happen on its own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 2:05 PM GMT
    to the OP
    -dont be the lesbian on this; rather enjoy the situation as it is.
    -organize the sum total of your experiences. Than talk to your boy friend about it.


    my thoughts are open relationships are complicated. Serial dating is more fun and less intrusion in your personal life and career.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2016 12:25 AM GMT
    gaygeek24 saidI have always been one to fall for guys I like pretty hard and fast, and I've always believed that monogamy was the only way for me. I have been cheated on in both long term relationships I've had, which has resulted in damages to my self esteem, and caused me to project insecurities onto people I have tried to date. Always assuming they might be playing me, or that they are no actually interested in being with me.
    Recently I met a guy who is completely different from anyone I've ever dated. He is sweet, he's handsome, and He is such bad a positive and supportive person. I am more comfortable with than I have been with anyone in a long time.
    I feel like things are going to be getting serous soon, which is great, but the only thing I can tell we are both nervous about is how new he is to the gay scene. He is 23 and until recently he had never been in a relationship with a guy, and was a virgin. After having his heart broken by the first guy, he has now gotten use to the idea and enjoyed the appeal of being single... I'm worried that if we move forward and try to be monogamous it may not last long because he will feel like he still has so much to experience before he commits to a single person. For the first time ever I feel like I would be comfortable with a semi open relationship. Not the kind where we would get free passes anytime we want, but where we may fool around with a third, or a couple. Always together, never alone. Our sex drives are completely alike and we are into all of the same things. It's amazing. I feel like it could work but there would need to be communication and understanding... I guess I am just not sure how to have the conversation and see where he's at. I just know that I really care about him and I really want to see where this goes, even if it means we may have to share every once in a while. I guess I am asking what your thoughts and opinions might be. What do you think of open relationships, or of the arrangement I mentioned?



    Take it step-by-step. Let him be the one to being up the monogamous-or-not talk, don't assume he wouldn't want to be monog.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    May 29, 2016 7:00 AM GMT
    bhp91126 saidOne step at a time. Establish a relationship first, before having the monogamy talk. Otherwise, share your thoughts with him and listen to what he has to say about it. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

    22 years open relationship here and still going strong


    Agreed. You're going from 0 to Sixty too fast. You should be dating, not talking about the future. One of the mistakes is that guys like each other and automatically start talking about going steady, being monogamous. TOO SOON! Unless you're an old fart - like me- you should be going thru the stages of getting to know him, and paying attention to any red flags. Not so you can split, but so you can communicate what you've observed.
    What HE said: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.
  • phillo

    Posts: 39

    May 30, 2016 1:11 PM GMT
    Funny all these people are giving you shit about a semi-monogamous relationship since Dan Savage made up the word "Monogamish" years ago which means "semi-monogamous" it just flows better. So, not only is your idea not new or stupid it was popularized by one of the top US sex advice columnists with a special word. Link below from 2012 is an article by Savage that explains "monogamish".

    https://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11412386

    Savage Love
    Meet the Monogamish

  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    May 31, 2016 4:16 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]phillo said[/cite]Funny all these people are giving you shit about a semi-monogamous relationship since Dan Savage made up the word "Monogamish" years ago which means "semi-monogamous" it just flows better. So, not only is your idea not new or stupid it was popularized by one of the top US sex advice columnists with a special word. Link below from 2012 is an article by Savage that explains "monogamish".

    https://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11412386

    Savage Love
    Meet the Monogamist


    [/quote}
    Read it. He wasn't creating a definition: he coined a term. Not the same thing. And it's unfortunate he took a pot shot at others for being insecure: Dan is rather insecure himself.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    May 31, 2016 5:18 AM GMT
    Anyone mature enough to create a campaign redefining someone's name as feces and lube isn't a credible moral compass on anything.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Jun 01, 2016 5:14 AM GMT
    whytehot saidAnyone mature enough to create a campaign redefining someone's name as feces and lube isn't a credible moral compass on anything.


    So true!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 4:27 PM GMT
    Allen saidThere is no such thing as a semi-monogamous. That's like saying your daughter is semi-pregnant. You either are, or you're not.

    If you want to compromise, then by all means do so. Just don't pretend you're being something you're not.

    Good luck though!


    Well said mate !!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 04, 2016 6:28 PM GMT
    Noeton said
    whytehot saidAnyone mature enough to create a campaign redefining someone's name as feces and lube isn't a credible moral compass on anything.


    So true!

    What babies you are. He was taking the fight to an extreme enemy who was gathering forces to try to destroy you. And you wimps attack him. Pitiful.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Jun 05, 2016 6:44 AM GMT
    neffa said
    Allen saidThere is no such thing as a semi-monogamous. That's like saying your daughter is semi-pregnant. You either are, or you're not.

    If you want to compromise, then by all means do so. Just don't pretend you're being something you're not.

    Good luck though!


    Well said mate !!


    Thanks!

    And I really like your Australian accent. Woof!
  • phillo

    Posts: 39

    Jun 08, 2016 12:01 PM GMT
    mcbrion said[quote][cite]phillo said[/cite]Funny all these people are giving you shit about a semi-monogamous relationship since Dan Savage made up the word "Monogamish" years ago which means "semi-monogamous" it just flows better. So, not only is your idea not new or stupid it was popularized by one of the top US sex advice columnists with a special word. Link below from 2012 is an article by Savage that explains "monogamish".

    https://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11412386

    Savage Love
    Meet the Monogamist
    [/quote}
    Read it. He wasn't creating a definition: he coined a term. Not the same thing. And it's unfortunate he took a pot shot at others for being insecure: Dan is rather insecure himself.


    I haven't re read this thread but I think I'm the only one who didn't suggest OP was retarded because he broached the idea of a 'semi-monogamous' relationship. I thought it might make him feel better to know there's nothing wrong with him for considering it. Also, I never said Dan Savage defined his made up word 'monogamish' but that he 'made it up' or 'coined' it. When you're going to play the bitchy semantics game do it right.