Is it 'selfish' to not want any kids?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 2:10 AM GMT
    So I am only 23 but have already come to terms with not having any children. My parents and some of my friends say I will 'change my mind' and someone even called me 'selfish'?!. I have anxiety and if I adopted any children, it would greatly exacerbate it. Not to mention that children are a huge financial responsibility! (I am a broke 23 year old, but still...). Is it so bad that I want my time outside of work to relax and indulge in leisurely activities (like going to the gym, reading, or going to the bar for a couple of drinks)? Or am I being too dramatic in my viewpoint on children?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 2:35 AM GMT
    You are gay. Leave the breeding and child rearing the way the Almighty wanted it - to the straights. We are God's real chosen people. He's blessed us with the possibility of a life unencumbered by a nagging woman and bratty children. Why spoil a good thing by thwarting God's plan for you? Use the $$$ you would have used raising rug rats by traveling the world and making an interesting life for yourself. There are enough breeders to go around and make babies. The ones who are calling you selfish want you to be as miserable as they are.

    Besides, having children will ruin your figure.
  • mystery905

    Posts: 754

    May 19, 2016 2:58 AM GMT
    It's your life. If you don't want children, it doesn't matter what other people think.

    Live for yourself, not others.

  • okaces91

    Posts: 33

    May 19, 2016 3:08 AM GMT
    Plans may change, but if you're not comfortable with it, it's not something you should feel pressured, or obligated to do. That's one of the upsides of our orientation, right? Do you, you'll feel much better in the long run.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 3:23 AM GMT
    The most responsible thing you can do is to NOT have children if you don't feel 100% into it.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 2187

    May 19, 2016 4:09 AM GMT
    Usually this kind of argument is made by parents who whine about being "deprived of grandchildren".

    And they claim you're the selfish one?
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 19, 2016 6:47 AM GMT
    First of all, there is NOTHING selfish about not wanting children. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

    ... which leads to ...

    Secondly, only those who want children and are cut out to be parents should have children.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 8:05 AM GMT
    You're hot. Your babies will be very cute but it is your choice to have kids or not. Those who think that you must have children against your will are the ones acting selfish.
  • Scotticvs

    Posts: 13

    May 19, 2016 8:55 AM GMT
    There's nothing selfish about deciding to not have children. What's more, you cannot provide for a child if the child is such a financial burden that neither of you can get by. Some people have children, and others don't.

    Adoption is certainly something I advocate strongly for if you do think about ever having children someday. Some argue that it's just not the same if it's not your own DNA or the like. But...There are so many children who need a loving home and supportive parents. And you can bring so much good if you can be that person who can look after them. That is love. That is selfless caring, and it can be such a beautiful thing.

    Best of luck to you!
  • badbug

    Posts: 866

    May 19, 2016 12:16 PM GMT

    It's totally selfish, you monster. Blonde, possibly blue-eyed, maybe you're one of Hitler's super babies, acting the way you do. I am glad you aren't having super nazi children, because you are too into your super nazi self to have them. (probably a flaw in the plan i guess, german engineering my ass!)

  • Cutlass

    Posts: 451

    May 19, 2016 12:26 PM GMT
    No. It's your life, and you should live it the way you want, not what others want for you.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    May 19, 2016 12:36 PM GMT
    Dude, you're 23, American and Free.

    Go drink, a LOT.

    Go have (safe) sex, a LOT.

    Go live in a few major cities.

    Well balanced, educated American males should NOT want kids at the age of 23. Well adjusted women don't even "nest" at that age. You're doing everything fine. If you don't want kids in 10 years, great. If you do, great. Just enjoy your current phase of life. Don't litigate your life, live it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 2:01 PM GMT
    Not having a child is probably one of the most selfless acts I've ever done in my life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 2:13 PM GMT
    You're definitely not being selfish. I am in the same boat (same age, etc) (only nobody is harassing me about marriage and children... YET).

    To be honest, in this day in age, I feel 23 is still too young to be getting married and having children. So many people I went to high school with already have children, some have two or three! Mind you I graduated in 2010. Everybody has a choice to become a parent or not, and when.

    I personally will be ecstatic the day my identical twin brother and his girlfriend say they're getting married and having children (already talking about it), because I get to be a cool uncle. No way, do I want to go down that same path right now. I want to travel, meet people (guys!!) etc.

    So, no. You're not being selfish. You have to live the life you were born to live (I took that from The Sound of Music icon_lol.gif )

    The other posters are right. People who do have children and aren't ready and/or responsible enough are doing a disservice to everybody involved. I always feel bad for children that have uncaring parents.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 2:16 PM GMT

    When I was younger I pictured myself with one day my own family, being very family oriented and from an interactive family. My brother and I talk just about every week and growing up we knew most all our cousins, aunts and uncles with parties of 60 plus relatives a few times a year being the usual.

    But after enough years of being treated as a second class citizen in my own country, without my human rights of marriage and of adoption, living in Florida when that bitch Anita painted us as pedophiles, unable to adopt even my own brother's kids should, God forbid, anything have happened to them, for many years I tuned it out for myself what str8 people take for granted, even while enjoying as best I could the experience of my family & friends raising their kids.

    I wasn't envious of them, glad for them that they had what they had, but I was hurt and I know it and I am unafraid to acknowledge it.

    Births were bitter sweet for me. My sister in law still tells the story about me bringing my dog to the hospital when she had her kid. But they wouldn't let him in the hospital to meet his new cousin. I was so very upset. So my brother stayed outside with my puppy child while I went inside to meet his.

    So all that kind of sucked, actually. And maybe gay people braver than me did buck the hetero system more to have their own kids in gay relationships but I'd imagine from my generation few of them; or maybe some less self aware of their own sexuality married and had kids under the guise of being str8; or maybe if I wasn't in Florida where it was illegal for me to adopt, things might have been different.

    And not that kids are any guarantee because you can wind up with a bad one, but now heading into my last decades, not having had kids is actually a little scary. I won't have anyone to care for me as I cared for my mom when she aged. And I don't want to wind up in a nursing home, especially being gay as they are often staffed by new immigrants from homophobic cultures, and especially with no one to check on me for my sibling will be ageing also.

    So my answer to not having had kids but to be able to keep myself safe from abuse--I only hope I still by then have the courage and conviction--is to eventually shoot my brains out. For I do not care to age in this world alone.

    So are you being selfish? Perhaps only to yourself. For even though you might wind up with a bad kid, odds are that if you have two, one will be good and that's pretty much the only way to assure yourself the comfort of being not alone in the world as you age.

    Do not underestimate the benefits of family structure. It is a great advantage of the heteros which has been long denied us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 2:24 PM GMT
    Ugh, some people seem to get offended if I say "I don't want children". they seem to interpret it as "I hate children and don't think anybody should ever have kids."
    Having kids is a wonderful thing to do, ok? It's just not for me. And you're not going to convince me otherwise.

    Besides, what if you have kids, and then 'change your mind' and decide you don't want them any more? Now THAT would be selfish. Better not risk putting yourself in that position. Think of the children!
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    May 19, 2016 3:56 PM GMT
    I don't know about where you live but in the UK most people don't even think about this until they reach their 30s.

    Having children is a bit more complicated for gays and sometimes I think it's selfish to want to have children.

    There are plenty of people on the planet why produce more?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2016 4:07 PM GMT
    I love children , and i enjoy when family or mates ask me to babysit them , but i never wanted any , i knew that since i was a teenager , so when i turned 18 , i got a vasectomy icon_smile.gif
  • okaces91

    Posts: 33

    May 19, 2016 5:01 PM GMT
    Neffa, that's certainly one way to stop it from happening haha!
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    May 19, 2016 5:29 PM GMT
    I just wanted to say I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my musings. Everyone brought up salient points. And yeah I also realized...I HATE KIDS. Supermarket tantrums have dissuaded me further from the notion of having kids....
  • interestingch...

    Posts: 694

    May 19, 2016 6:10 PM GMT
    I would like to have a couple kids but having 2 dads or 2 mums in the case of lesbians is selfish because the kids would get bullied at school for having gay parents, I wouldn't want them to go through that so unless I have kids with a girl but remain single is a sacrifice I am willing to take so they could have an easy a time as possible, I got bullied for a short time and it was far from pleasant. It made me tougher for sure but if I could turn back the clock I would, however it made me a better person for it too.
    Just a different spin on the situation for anyone to look at.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9225

    May 19, 2016 6:50 PM GMT
    No one should feel obligated to have kids.
    In fact, more people should feel obligated to NOT have kids (because they'd make lousy parents, or because they don't have the financial means to give a child a proper upbringing)...
  • interesting

    Posts: 864

    May 19, 2016 7:43 PM GMT
    It's true, definitely NOT selfish, but at 23, I too was so sure I did not want kids. Perhaps, all the words from my parents brainwashed me, but I'm getting closer and closer to my 30's, and I'm weirdly undecided now, I'm now confused and wonder if having kids would really invigorate my life.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    May 19, 2016 8:09 PM GMT
    No one at 23 wants kids. Well, some girls do. No guy wants kids at 23. But the experience of having kids really is wonderful so anyone who has done is likely to recommend it highly. One thing is sure, they definitely force you to put their needs ahead of your own and that is actually a humbling experience. When you do you are happy to do it and the shift of viewpoint make people who have never experienced it seem childish and selfish. That's probably what was behind the selfish remark. More of a poorly worded generalization than a specific indictment of you personally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2016 1:01 AM GMT
    Nebraskakid467 saidI just wanted to say I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my musings. Everyone brought up salient points. And yeah I also realized...I HATE KIDS. Supermarket tantrums have dissuaded me further from the notion of having kids....

    HATE especially in all caps is a strong statement. Before I had kids I was somewhat indifferent to them because I didn't know what to do with them. My two kids are my world now and I love them dearly. Kids make you more humble and less self absorbed. Don't have them though if you truly hate them. They don't deserve it