PLEASE HELP - found my bf on a dating website

  • armani22

    Posts: 4

    May 22, 2016 10:35 AM GMT
    Hello guys, I have been with my bf for 7 months now. We are in a monogamous relationship but sometimes we like to spice things up by bringing a third person every now and then by going on dating websites and looking for a third one. We have promised to never cheat on each other and to never go on any website or app unless we are together. So lately I found out that he was actually going alone, and when I confronted him, he said it's just a fantasy and that he likes to see guys on webcam and that he would never cheat on me. I must say I felt uncomfortable in the beginning, but he promised me not to do it again as he saw how it hurt me so I let it go.

    Yesterday, I was a bit suspicious and I logged in on the website we usually go when we're together to look for a third and I found him there with a different profile and a fake status. So I pretended to be someone else and sent fake pictures and he replied by sending me his naked ones. I was completely shocked, and when I asked him if he can host me right at that moment he said "HE COULD".

    When I confronted him again he said that his fantasy got the best of him and that he would never go through with it by having a sex date without me.

    What should I do? Should I end this relationship or should I give him another chance? Please help me.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    May 22, 2016 11:00 AM GMT

    1) i think this is a fake post

    2) i am quite capable of counting to three

    3) if you like having trust in a relationship, you need to end this one.

    and that he would never go through with it


    So he lied to your face. Wonderful.

  • armani22

    Posts: 4

    May 22, 2016 11:05 AM GMT
    badbug said
    1) i think this is a fake post

    2) i am quite capable of counting to three

    3) if you like having trust in a relationship, you need to end this one.

    and that he would never go through with it


    So he lied to your face. Wonderful.




    thank you for your message, I really love him I want to give him a second chance but it's very hard for me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2016 11:58 AM GMT
    some people are liars. I myself am a really honest person and there is nothing more unattractive then someone being secretive and lying. Give him a chance. If he continues to do it then know he's always going to do it
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    May 22, 2016 12:05 PM GMT
    Monogamous relationships dont have sex with thirds.
  • armani22

    Posts: 4

    May 22, 2016 12:12 PM GMT
    zoltar saidsome people are liars. I myself am a really honest person and there is nothing more unattractive then someone being secretive and lying. Give him a chance. If he continues to do it then know he's always going to do it


    Thank you ZoltarI really appreciate your help
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2016 11:26 PM GMT
    I remember that good old lie.

    7 months isn't that long. I say, end it. And in the future, don't engage in such behaviours so early. 7 months is very soon. I understand you may want some excitment, but opening out a relationship (even threesomes) so early is not a good idea. Cement your relationship first.

    He will do it again, most likely. Another profie, another website. Skip out before you regret it and catch some STDs or something..
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 23, 2016 3:43 AM GMT
    What is with gay people's fucked-up definition of the word "monogamy"!? A poster in another thread used the term "semi-monogamous." If you and your partner don't want to be monogamous, that's perfectly fine, do whatever works best for you both. But for crying out loud, QUIT calling your relationship something that it clearly is not.

    As to your question, you're dealing with a cheater and a liar. And it's very doubtful that will ever change. If you can live with his continued cheating, then by all means stay with him. But if you can't, then leave him.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 23, 2016 3:45 AM GMT
    Oh by the way, the guy in the picture you're using is pretty hot! Woof!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2016 3:55 AM GMT
    My question is...if you have a BF..why are you looking on a dating site ?

  • May 23, 2016 4:07 AM GMT
    armani22 saidHello guys, I have been with my bf for 7 months now. We are in a monogamous relationship but sometimes we like to spice things up by bringing a third person every now and then by going on dating websites and looking for a third one. We have promised to never cheat on each other and to never go on any website or app unless we are together. So lately I found out that he was actually going alone, and when I confronted him, he said it's just a fantasy and that he likes to see guys on webcam and that he would never cheat on me. I must say I felt uncomfortable in the beginning, but he promised me not to do it again as he saw how it hurt me so I let it go.

    Yesterday, I was a bit suspicious and I logged in on the website we usually go when we're together to look for a third and I found him there with a different profile and a fake status. So I pretended to be someone else and sent fake pictures and he replied by sending me his naked ones. I was completely shocked, and when I asked him if he can host me right at that moment he said "HE COULD".

    When I confronted him again he said that his fantasy got the best of him and that he would never go through with it by having a sex date without me.

    What should I do? Should I end this relationship or should I give him another chance? Please help me.

    When you say "spice things up" why did you? Were you bored of having sex with only one person, if so maybe you were not meant to have a long term 1 on 1 relationship with this guy. Maybe you guys can still be together if a deal is made, you have sex when you want with whomever you want so long as he is told, he can do the same. Would it hurt you to know he is messing around with other guys? If so maybe it is time to move on and break up the relationship, for the sake of your emotions and time.

    Confronting him after using the fake pictures to analyze his intentions is personally not what I would have done, I would have tried to see how far it could have gone, how would he "host" what kind of lies would he use to have the time to go play. Then when you know for sure he is not trustworthy, you pack your bags and without saying a word leave.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2016 3:37 PM GMT
    If you don't trust him then you shouldn't be with him.

    on the flip side, if he wasn't given a specific set of parameters to abide by with regards to this "open" thing, he can't really be held accountable for "cheating".

    My suggestion: depending on how bad you want to stay with him, you need to have a very frank discussion about your concerns and standards. pay attention to his tone of voice and body language during this discussion. that will tell you if he's even considering your feelings in the situation. be prepared to make some compromises.

    if you can't handle him maybe going astray from time to time and can't trust him not to even after adamantly expressing your issues with it...it's time to go


    either way, 7 months is a very young relationship. there's plenty of time to make it into whatever works best for the 2 of you, but only if you're both willing to put the time and effort into it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 23, 2016 4:12 PM GMT
    Pretty rough situation, but in the end, trust is the most important part of a relationship. What is more important, the desire for sex or his relationship with you. Isn't that really the question here?

    "Sex outside the relationship" is a slippery slope and clearly has to be approach the right way. I've seen it destroy relationships, but at the heart of it is that simple question. Which is valued more.. the relationship or the outside activity?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2016 6:16 PM GMT
    Your relationship should be able to survive him looking around on sites and surfing porn etc alone. Looking around is natural and is often about ego boosts, fantasies and wanting to feel like you still got it. Your relationship can also survive white lies and him hiding small things here and there from you. Everybody does this in a relationship and your feelings cycle up and down.

    But your relationship can't survive both. If he's looking around AND hiding it from you/lying about it this is him putting his needs/feelings first and solving this alone. Relationships are about working this stuff out TOGETHER. I think you should talk with him and consider taking a break from each other and give it a few weeks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2016 7:31 PM GMT
    Apparition saidMonogamous relationships dont have sex with thirds.



    I was going to quote his thread with that sentence , but you beat me to it ..icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2016 8:06 PM GMT
    Please research the definition of "monogamy" before using it in a sentence.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    May 23, 2016 11:57 PM GMT
    You are with someone who wants an open relationship. You can probably get him to agree to all kinds of parameters, conditions, etc., and yet he will still act as if he is in an open relationship.

    You have to be honest with yourself if you want to be in an open relationship. To some extent you do, but you also want limits that your guy just can't uphold.

    I imagine that open relationships require a lot of open communication, but that appears to be lacking in your relationship. Fessing up when you get caught isn't really communicating.

    For this to work, it sounds like he wants to have guys on the side and not tell you about it. Can you live with that? If not, then this relationship has run its course.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2016 12:03 AM GMT
    armani22 said
    He apologised and said that he has been a complete dick and he's even afraid to ask for another chance although he wants to... we are meeting in a couple of minutes. Thank you guys for being so helpful I really appreciate it.

    It's a day later. What was the result of your meeting?
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    May 24, 2016 12:45 AM GMT
    Apologies for double posting, but one more piece of advice. Talk to your doctor or a health clinic about getting on PrEP. If you are not using condoms with your boyfriend, start now. Get tested for STIs. You need to take necessary precautions regardless of what your bf says.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2016 2:18 PM GMT
    When someone systematically violates the rules of an open or semi-open relationship, you know it's time to move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2016 11:25 PM GMT
    armani22 saidHello guys, I have been with my bf for 7 months now. We are in a monogamous relationship but sometimes we like to spice things up by bringing a third person every now and then by going on dating websites and looking for a third one. We have promised to never cheat on each other and to never go on any website or app unless we are together. So lately I found out that he was actually going alone, and when I confronted him, he said it's just a fantasy and that he likes to see guys on webcam and that he would never cheat on me. I must say I felt uncomfortable in the beginning, but he promised me not to do it again as he saw how it hurt me so I let it go.

    Yesterday, I was a bit suspicious and I logged in on the website we usually go when we're together to look for a third and I found him there with a different profile and a fake status. So I pretended to be someone else and sent fake pictures and he replied by sending me his naked ones. I was completely shocked, and when I asked him if he can host me right at that moment he said "HE COULD".

    When I confronted him again he said that his fantasy got the best of him and that he would never go through with it by having a sex date without me.

    What should I do? Should I end this relationship or should I give him another chance? Please help me.


    He's going to end up cheating on you, if he hasn't already.

    I know that it's "in" for the common advice here to be "keep it open" but some guys are just NOT built for "open" and if you crack that door open even a little bit by doing stuff with a third every now and again, one of you is going to end up cheating on the other. That's been what I've witnessed with friends who have tried the same approach you guys did. You're probably going to have to either get used to the door being wide open and allowing him to do whatever he wants whenever he wants (because he will anyway, at some point) or end it.

    On the other hand, in my previous relationship I got bored with my then-bf because he had decided he was asexual and didn't want to do anything ever. So I had a profile on grindr and his ex found it and ratted me out. I explained to my then-bf that it was true, I did have a profile, but I was never going to cheat on him (and I really never would have) but that I just liked the fantasy/ego-boost/knowledge that SOME guys wanted to have sex with me even if he didn't (I didn't mention that last part to him) and promised to get off the apps. And I did. But half a year later I found myself back on them. I never cheated on him, and I never would have (he was an amazing person). But I had to end it because I needed to have the option of having sex again.
  • Esoj

    Posts: 3

    May 25, 2016 9:24 PM GMT
    I think you both should sit down and have an honest conversation about your relationship. At 56 and now married to my best friend, I can honestly say that monogamy while not impossible is hard to achieve and not always faithfully adhered to especially when it's a gay male relationship. If you love each other set some ground rules as to what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to sleeping outside of your relationship. Ensure that you are clear that the rules apply both ways. If you don't really love each other and it's unacceptable to have him sleeping with someone else then let him go.