Being called a faggot

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    May 22, 2016 3:01 PM GMT
    So the other day I had to go to court hearing regarding my divorce. The judge gave myself and my ex some words of wisdom to cooperate for the sake of our children. Upon leaving the courtroom my ex smiles and winks at me and blows me a kiss as if to say "I got ya" I simply said no thanks I don't need kisses from a crazy person. Her father said "Crazy, well you're the one who's the faggot"
    I now know all this crazy behavior of hers is also being fueled by her family. It's an extremely sad situation. I'm not asking for pity. I feel sorry for my children. Couple questions:
    How would you guys handle such ugliness knowing it is always going to be there?
    Have any of you been called a faggot and would you be willing to share your story? This is my first time as a gay man someone has said that word to me out of hate so it got to me a little.

    I'd like to add that her family is redneck ultra conservative gun toting freaks who have tried every disgusting tactic in the book to take my children away from me. I believe now it's because they think gay people are incapable or shouldn't raise children
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    May 22, 2016 3:13 PM GMT
    All you needed to say was: Well the American Psychiatric Association as well as the vast majority of mental health professionals disagree with you.

    Nothing else is required. No need to contribute to their ugliness.

    Upon rereading your post I feel you didn't need to comment on your wife's mental health. You should have just ignored it. You started the ugliness.
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    May 22, 2016 3:17 PM GMT
    Not4u saidAll you needed to say was: Well the American Psychiatric Association as well as the vast majority of mental health professionals disagree with you.

    Nothing else is required. No need to contribute to their ugliness.

    Upon rereading your post I feel you didn't need to comment on your wife's mental health. You should have just ignored it. You started the ugliness.


    Love it! You know how you always think of good things to say afterwards. I thought of this too. Damn I shoulda said that
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    May 22, 2016 3:19 PM GMT
    WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

    Warning to gay men married to women: DO NOT REVEAL YOUR HOMOSEXUALITY UNTIL THE DIVORCE IS FINAL!

    Especially if children are involved.
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    May 22, 2016 3:29 PM GMT
    How would you guys handle such ugliness knowing it is always going to be there?

    The best way to disarm ugliness thrown your way is to agree with them. "Yes, in the vernacular of the ugly, mean-spirited I am in fact a faggot. So nice of you to remind me."

    If they continue with the name calling just walk off saying nothing more.
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 275

    May 22, 2016 4:41 PM GMT
    just out of curiosity, what were these words of wisdom that the judge spoke to you about cooperating for the sake of your children?

    zoltar said

    I'd like to add that her family is redneck ultra conservative gun toting freaks who have tried every disgusting tactic in the book to take my children away from me. I believe now it's because they think gay people are incapable or shouldn't raise children


    I certainly don't like the thought of children being raised by gun toting freaks who think it's acceptable to call people faggot. At least you won't be the one teaching your kids how to hate and hold prejudices.
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    May 22, 2016 4:57 PM GMT
    The words of wisdom were that children sense when two parents aren't getting along and it has been proven that parents who don't co-parent together will cause issues for the children which often results in their own bad behavior and need for therapists and such. Most rational individuals realize this and do the right thing for their children's sake. Others do what my ex does and use the children as weapons against the other for their own personal gain and to continue the fight which caused the marriage to break up. Sometimes people come to their senses but after a year and a half I'm less hopeful that will ever be the case. I have to be the best Dad I can be while the kids are with me. My hopes of co-parenting is almost nil at this point unfortunately.
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    May 22, 2016 5:19 PM GMT
    The problem is less about the word, "faggot" and more about the intent of the person saying it. Whether its nigger, cunt, lesbo, breeder, asshole, douche, idiot, retard, dumbass, or any of the dozens of words like this, they all come from the same bad place. No matter how thick skinned or confident one is, if you are a normal human being its always hard when someone lets you know that they not only don't care about you but in fact, want you to feel some hurt. This is why I try not to insult people myself when I'm angry, as tough as it is. Because I don't want people saying hurtful things back to me in retaliation. And everyone has their trigger.

    In this situation, I think it was insulting for you to call her crazy to her face in front her family like that. Your insult came from a bad place. The person who blurted out faggot also came from a bad place. And because its a divorce where there's kids involved, its already a hostile environment. I have not gone through a divorce and I can't imagine all that you have and are going through right now with being gay/bi and a parent at the same time. But all you can control is what you do and how you react. You can't contribute to the hostility but then cry foul when you receive it in return my man. Don't insult her or her family. Try to focus on being agreeable and focus on how you both can make things work. If she's truly crazy, then you already have your work cut out for you so try not to contribute to it.

    I wish you the best of luck and and I totally recognize that I'm speaking from more of a philosophical approach. But to answer your question, the one or two times when someone called me a faggot, I made them feel bad about it without insulting them and they ended up apologizing stating that I'm "one of the good guys". I hope things work out for you.
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    May 22, 2016 5:30 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear your trouble.
    Just remember over and over again, there's nothing wrong about being gay. And if your father-in-law called you faggot, just know that it doesn't say anything bad about you, it just shows that your father-in-law is a homophobic bigot. Once that kick in, you will feel a lot better.
    Don't expect much from your ex. Record any kind of communication, keep a note, try not to be alone with her or her family, I'm just saying this for you to be careful.
    You can't expect a lot from other people, you can only count on yourself. Focus on being a good and communicative father to your kids, and your boyfriend.
    I don't know about how you are as a dad, but what I wish from my relationship with my father is that I wish we talked more during my childhood. When I was younger, I didn't know my father much. It's not only about gifts, or trips during weekend, or parental advise about life and school, but talking about yourself and conversation are important too. Make sure your kids know who their dad is. Talk to them about your day. What you like. About your time as a teenager. etc. That will strengthen father-children relationships IMO.
    Good luck with all of this.
  • RainBow_Drago...

    Posts: 337

    May 22, 2016 5:37 PM GMT
    I laugh, roll my eyes, and move on. Someone that small-minded isn't worth expending my emotions, and I refuse to give anyone like that any kind of power over me. It says so much more about the person who said it to me than it does about me.
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 275

    May 22, 2016 6:02 PM GMT
    zoltar saidSometimes people come to their senses but after a year and a half I'm less hopeful that will ever be the case. I have to be the best Dad I can be while the kids are with me. My hopes of co-parenting is almost nil at this point unfortunately.


    I agree with what others have said that it was a bad idea to call your ex-wife crazy. I don't blame you for calling her that, it's completely understandable, and just about anyone in your situation would say the same thing. But yes, it was the wrong response to give at the time. There won't be any chance for co-parenting if this tit for tat stuff carries on between you two, so the sooner it stops the better.

    I think that, unfortunately for you, being a good dad to your kids means putting up with crap from your ex and her family. If you can avoid letting it get the better of you, then you can focus on giving your kids a healthy and loving environment to be in when they are with you. Don't let the kids see what effect the other relatives' hatred is having on you, just let the kids see how much you care about them, and what you feel for them is more important to you than how your ex and her family feel about you.

    And of course, we do need to vent and get frustration off our chest sometimes, so feel free to do that here!
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    May 22, 2016 6:17 PM GMT
    Just say "What's your point?".

    Or call him a 'flaming heterosexual'.
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    May 22, 2016 7:54 PM GMT
    You guys are correct. I shouldn't have called her crazy even though she is. Not that I am excusing myou behavior but it was more of a reaction to her smiling, winking, and blowing kisses at me. Who acts this insane after a year and a half? A crazy person. A narcissist. Someone extremely immature.

    Right now we share equal custody of the kids and I try to provide them with love and attention. They are really young so they don't know the gay aspect of all this.
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    May 22, 2016 9:38 PM GMT
    My favorite comeback is "That's 'Mr.Faggot'to you!"
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    May 22, 2016 10:43 PM GMT
    I've been called a faggot.My take is if that is the best they can do to insult me, then I'm not going to waste my time being upset about it.

    If he calls you it again, tell him you've been called worse by better people.
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    May 22, 2016 11:06 PM GMT
    #1 always tell the children you love them.
    #2 always tell them none of it was their fault.
    #3 draw strength from friends/family during low spots for you.
    #4 the children will come back to you eventually when they can see you have been the reasonable/loving one.
    #5 there will be difficult times until they are older and can see the truth for themselves.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    May 22, 2016 11:22 PM GMT
    Not4u saidWARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

    Warning to gay men married to women: DO NOT REVEAL YOUR HOMOSEXUALITY UNTIL THE DIVORCE IS FINAL!

    Especially if children are involved.


    um...or dont stick your dick in a vagina in the first place...
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    May 23, 2016 12:52 AM GMT
    zoltar saidYou guys are correct. I shouldn't have called her crazy even though she is. Not that I am excusing myou behavior but it was more of a reaction to her smiling, winking, and blowing kisses at me. Who acts this insane after a year and a half? A crazy person. A narcissist. Someone extremely immature.

    Right now we share equal custody of the kids and I try to provide them with love and attention. They are really young so they don't know the gay aspect of all this.

    YOU are the one who picked, and married her. You will need to look at yourself and identify and heal these areas that allowed this to happen. Or you will most likely keep repeating a form of this in other relationships.
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    May 23, 2016 1:05 AM GMT
    With most sentiments here already expressed, I agree some of my thoughts:

    (1) Do not let her emotionally sabotage you or make you react negatively in front of others, etc. while the divorce is not finally -She could use this against you and ultimately end up in the judge's ear. It is obvious that she can make you react from 0-to 60 sec. even without expressing words but gestures - therefore, control your emotions, be cool as an iceberg or her family reactions toward you. Right now they are trying to paint you as the worse father or human being in the face of the planet. Do not let them! Let them be the worst in front of others in terms of behavior, speech, in this age of instagram and recording…how much better if someone records their behavior against you. I recommend that any interaction that you have to have with them -keep it cool and collect, if possible a friend at your side, even to record or video any situation.

    (2) Your children are seeing this behavior as well, even if they are not present they can sense it (believe me) - the more you are in control, loving, and emotionally stable the better. They will react to this and will see its better to be with their father than with their mother and family. Ultimately, right now when you are sharing custody you can not do much, but when they grow up you will see this. As a child of divorce, believe me. If your kids come back with derogatory words that she used against you or her family..just respond to them, that their mother loves them, but they are wrong toward you…that is all.

    (3) Yes, I have heard that insulted many times, while in college, etc. First I reacted negatively etc., now when that is thrown at me and depending on the situation either I remain calm and say nothing or I have said "Thank-you for reminding me how much I love Cock and a Man -Delicious"….this usually shuts them up because they were NOT expecting such an answer.

    Again, I know its hard to keep your emotions in check, but remind yourself that you are doing this for your kids. It really does NOT matter what she thinks of you, her father, etc….DO NOT give them the ammunition or power to belittle you.

  • May 23, 2016 1:19 AM GMT
    zoltar saidSo the other day I had to go to court hearing regarding my divorce. The judge gave myself and my ex some words of wisdom to cooperate for the sake of our children. Upon leaving the courtroom my ex smiles and winks at me and blows me a kiss as if to say "I got ya" I simply said no thanks I don't need kisses from a crazy person. Her father said "Crazy, well you're the one who's the faggot"
    I now know all this crazy behavior of hers is also being fueled by her family. It's an extremely sad situation. I'm not asking for pity. I feel sorry for my children. Couple questions:
    How would you guys handle such ugliness knowing it is always going to be there?
    Have any of you been called a faggot and would you be willing to share your story? This is my first time as a gay man someone has said that word to me out of hate so it got to me a little.

    I'd like to add that her family is redneck ultra conservative gun toting freaks who have tried every disgusting tactic in the book to take my children away from me. I believe now it's because they think gay people are incapable or shouldn't raise children



    Never been married so I can't totally empathize with you on some things.However I know how tough the court is against the father in these types of cases,I am sorry you have to deal with this and the stupid family of your ex wife, sadly having kids in common is something you will have to get used to.

    You can handle this by learning to cope with it, how old are your children? As they grow up if nurtured without the hatred of your ex's family they will love you even more than her. She and her family will do everything they can to raise homophobic children. Love your kids, try your best to show the judge out of both of you you are the best choice and the most committed to get them through life.

    I'm not flaming and I am also not openly gay to everyone in my life, but the words "faggot" "queer" "cocksucker" "fudge packer" to me are just a joke. I use them regularly to joke around, even when I am asked if I like the cock I'll jokingly say "Yeah I am a fag, I suck damn good dick too." I say this because they are just words. I live in a farming town, I'll butcher chickens, gut them and cook them from time to time, because it is what must be done. I know tons of straight guys that can not handle this. My point is, what constitutes a man now a days is not purely the place where you stick your dick in. Having good morals, being a good father, being successful, raising a respectable family, being a contributing member to society is what being a man is all about. Don't be so offended by the way they call you they're just words, sure there's some derogatory properties but meh this is 2016, there's worse things to be worried about. Comeback! "Well I must not be that much of a faggot If I kept my dick hard long enough to bust a nut in that slutty daughter of yours"

    Sadly their minds are made up and all you can do now is try to guide your children in the right path.
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    May 23, 2016 1:30 AM GMT
    The judge is correct. The fact that you are divorced wll already put strain and tension between your relationship with your children. You do not need more negativity to add to the mix. Be the bigger person. Even if the mother instills negativity in your children, when they grow up, they may mature and become more open-minded and see that she and her family are toxic. Eventually all will come to light. And the fact that you have joint custody is amazing. Keep the peace and try not to start anything so that she may become vengeful to try and switch the custody situation.

    In the future, just play nie. Do not insult here but don't seem like such a push over that she'll constantly keep walking all over you. Keep strong. Keep your head up. When she insults, just ignore and talk about something else, showing her that you are strictly business and nothing else matters. She'll keep trying, eventually she'll try to poison the children's minds. But like I said, eventually they'll get older and realize she has issues.

    As for the insult ... Yes, I've been insulted. It's a bit hurtful. But what can you do? People insult. You can try put them in their place but it usually doesn't do much. They just keep trying to insult you, just in a more sly fashion. And it gets tired fast. My advice, ignore. To the person insulting you, they are most likely being insulted by someone else themselves, directly or indirectly. The circle of life.

    An insult is just an insult. Keep you head up, show them it doesn't bother you. Eventually they find someone else to insult. Or eventually karma comes back on them icon_smile.gif
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    May 23, 2016 4:49 AM GMT
    "I'm sorry... I'm not a bundle of sticks used for fire wood..."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2016 5:18 AM GMT
    zoltar saidSo the other day I had to go to court hearing regarding my divorce. The judge gave myself and my ex some words of wisdom to cooperate for the sake of our children. Upon leaving the courtroom my ex smiles and winks at me and blows me a kiss as if to say "I got ya" I simply said no thanks I don't need kisses from a crazy person. Her father said "Crazy, well you're the one who's the faggot"
    I now know all this crazy behavior of hers is also being fueled by her family. It's an extremely sad situation. I'm not asking for pity. I feel sorry for my children. Couple questions:
    How would you guys handle such ugliness knowing it is always going to be there?
    Have any of you been called a faggot and would you be willing to share your story? This is my first time as a gay man someone has said that word to me out of hate so it got to me a little.

    I'd like to add that her family is redneck ultra conservative gun toting freaks who have tried every disgusting tactic in the book to take my children away from me. I believe now it's because they think gay people are incapable or shouldn't raise children

    Sounds like you lost custody. icon_neutral.gif
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    May 23, 2016 8:35 AM GMT
    xrichx said
    zoltar saidSo the other day I had to go to court hearing regarding my divorce. The judge gave myself and my ex some words of wisdom to cooperate for the sake of our children. Upon leaving the courtroom my ex smiles and winks at me and blows me a kiss as if to say "I got ya" I simply said no thanks I don't need kisses from a crazy person. Her father said "Crazy, well you're the one who's the faggot"
    I now know all this crazy behavior of hers is also being fueled by her family. It's an extremely sad situation. I'm not asking for pity. I feel sorry for my children. Couple questions:
    How would you guys handle such ugliness knowing it is always going to be there?
    Have any of you been called a faggot and would you be willing to share your story? This is my first time as a gay man someone has said that word to me out of hate so it got to me a little.

    I'd like to add that her family is redneck ultra conservative gun toting freaks who have tried every disgusting tactic in the book to take my children away from me. I believe now it's because they think gay people are incapable or shouldn't raise children

    Sounds like you lost custody. icon_neutral.gif

    Yeah, looks like it.
    Because he said now he got equal custody, and I thought back then he was sure he would get primary custody since his ex was crazy.
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    May 23, 2016 9:20 AM GMT
    fitartistsf said"I'm sorry... I'm not a bundle of sticks used for fire wood..."


    Sticks and stones....