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Dumping Boyfriend Because I Don't Get Along With His Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2016 9:58 AM GMT
    I've been dating a guy for about eight months, and we get along perfectly. We both want to move forward and are talking now about moving in together.

    One thing is a problem though. I'm thinking of breaking up with him.
    He has several friends who he's had for over a decade and they totally HATE me. At first, things were fine, but after a few months they began ostracizing me and actually attempting to turn mutual friends against me.

    Any involvement with this people makes me very uncomfortable and I dread the idea of having to interact with these people.
    They are such a problem that I am wanting to break up with my boyfriend just to be done with the situation and forget these people existed.

    Here's where I know readers will get pissed -

    My boyfriend has said they don't have to be part of our lives. That we will be together and he won't have anything more to do with them.
    This sounds like a solution, but I don't think that's fair to my boyfriend.

    I think if these people have been his friends for 10+ years, it's wrong for him to cut them off for me.
    I've told him this and gave him the option for us to have a mutual breakup and for him to find someone else who his friends like, but he doesn't want that.

    Still, I feel like I just want to be done with this situation and move on.
    My idea of a good relationship isn't one where my boyfriend's friends all hate me, and I don't like the negative energy around it.

    Am I making a mistake if I breakup with him, or should I try to make the relationship work?
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  • TombRaider

    Posts: 108

    May 25, 2016 12:59 PM GMT
    If you really love your boyfriend his friends shouldn't even matter. The reason your in the relationship with your boyfriend is because of him not his friends. You aren't dating his friends so I don't see why this is an issue. Your boyfriends clearly wants to make you happy and if his solution is to stop talking to them, so be it. That's his decision. Personally I say just ignore them and stay it's his choice to have you in his life not theirs.
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2016 1:27 PM GMT
    TombRaider saidIf you really love your boyfriend his friends shouldn't even matter...
    +1

    you never said why they hate you?? you gotta share on realJock.
    really someone's hate could be / maybe not, your opportunity for self improvement.
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2016 2:58 PM GMT
    if he loves you, their opinions don't matter in the relationship.
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  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4688

    May 25, 2016 3:10 PM GMT
    If you loved him, this wouldn't even be considered. You don't love him and you're trying to shift the focus to make it appear someone else's fault. Perhaps they are right? You're not the guy for their friend?
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  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    May 25, 2016 4:21 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidIf you loved him, this wouldn't even be considered. You don't love him and you're trying to shift the focus to make it appear someone else's fault. Perhaps they are right? You're not the guy for their friend?


    This may be a tad too harsh, but this is how I see it, too.

    Why would you allow anyone else, least of all, people who do not care for you, run YOUR life? How can you allow them to be in charge of your happiness?

    You say that you have a good thing going on with your BF. If he and you want to stay together, both of you will find ways to minimize the negative impact of his friends on your relationship.

    SC
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  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 843

    May 25, 2016 4:50 PM GMT
    Calamity said I've been dating a guy for about eight months, and we get along perfectly. We both want to move forward and are talking now about moving in together. One thing is a problem though. I'm thinking of breaking up with him. He has several friends who he's had for over a decade and they totally HATE me.


    You are sharing intimacy with ONE person..not any of his (or your) friends. Further, he has declared full support to you. WHY would you even THINK about leaving?
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    May 25, 2016 5:19 PM GMT
    This is going to sound awful, but if I were in your situation this is how I'd handle it: I'd have a serious conversation with his friends and I'd lay everything out on the table. I'd tell them that their friend and I are in love with each other and that we're planning to move in together. I'd tell them that there's nothing that they can do about it. I'd tell them that I'd like to have a congenial relationship with them because I love their friend. However, if they're not amenable to having any type of respectful interaction or relationship with me, I'd prefer not to be in their presence or them not to be in my presence. I would tell them that I don't want any negativity in my relationship and I, therefore, don't want to have to deal with intrigue, gossip, mean-spiritedness, backstabbing, etc. I'd tell them that I'm a peaceful person, but I wouldn't be a good enemy. Finally, I'd tell them not to fuck with me because I'd double-fuck them in return. Problem solved.
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  • magicjake

    Posts: 31

    May 26, 2016 3:53 AM GMT
    Understand where you're coming from, and I don't agree with the "love will conquer all" type responses.

    It's a problem. Your boyfriend should talk to his friends and resolve it himself. If he can't resolve it, take him up on his offer to ditch his loser friends (or at least put some distance) . That would be better than ending it. At least you can say you tried.
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  • Crisistunity

    Posts: 109

    May 26, 2016 6:03 AM GMT
    Calamity said

    My idea of a good relationship isn't one where my boyfriend's friends all hate me, and I don't like the negative energy around it.


    Ideas are good, but reality is better. You'll need to understand that not always your ideal and your reality are the same thing, nor should they.
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  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    May 26, 2016 6:10 AM GMT
    He's offering to dump his friends (who treats the guy he loves poorly) for you, and yet you're still considering breaking up with him because you don't like his friends ... or because they don't like you? He's made it clear he's putting YOU first and that's still not good enough?

    I think you want to break up with him and are just looking for a reason.
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  • badbug

    Posts: 866

    May 26, 2016 7:20 AM GMT

    I seriously have doubts this is a real person. "all his friends hate me" Really? Are you in the KKK or something? They hate you?

    You sound like a flake. You get along perfectly with someone but their friends don't like you? The friends sound like idiots, if they are such great friends, who makes it obvious you "hate" their SO unless their SO is openly smoking crack and heiling Hitler every five minutes.


    You sound immature and it's probably best for everyone not you if you move on.

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  • mcbrion

    Posts: 326

    May 26, 2016 6:53 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidIf you loved him, this wouldn't even be considered. You don't love him and you're trying to shift the focus to make it appear someone else's fault. Perhaps they are right? You're not the guy for their friend?


    Something I had to consider, like Destinharbor, for these reasons: why would you break up with someone you were in love with over his friends instead of: 1), believing what he told you he'd do (which is pretty darned noble) and 2), finding out why his friends feel this way about you. Misperception or misanthropic? Or, and I hope it's not this: accurate assessment.

    If this is your solution for working on an issue, I'm sorry to say that I'd agree with the friends.
    But, are these his real, true friends? People use the word 'friends' when the word they SHOULD be using is 'social acquaintance' which means, not-really-my-friends-but-people-I-see-at-places-and-might-have-coffee-with-but-don't-share-my-private-thoughts-or-secrets with.

    In any case, it seems logical to think you haven't even told your boyfriend of your misgivings, which makes you appear to be a not very good communicator. The first think that tells anyone how good a relationship is - or is going to become - is how authentic the level of communication is between the two people. If you're not being authentic with your boyfriend, this relationship isn't going to be good for either of you. Are you just smiling and pretending everything's good, and then you're going to announce one day (or worse, TEXT) that it's all over? That would be exceedingly cowardly. And i want to stress the word "cowardly".
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2016 4:46 AM GMT
    Why would you be with someone that would choose to have friends that don't like you? What does that say about him and the type of people he calls friends? And even if he gave them up for you that would be hanging over your head for the duration of the relationship and in the first major fight between you to the fact that he gave up long time friends would come flying out of his mouth as sure as there are stars in the heavens.

    True friends would be happy for him and would welcome his new boyfriend into the fold. Now for the sake of argument lets just say you are a supreme asshole and his friends really do have a reason not to like you. Whether you are or not, either way the relationship is doomed. Why prolong the inevitable? Get out now.

    When you are in a relationship you are in a relationship with your partner's family and friends whether they live next door or a thousand miles away.
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2016 5:28 AM GMT
    Calamity saidI've been dating a guy for about eight months, and we get along perfectly. We both want to move forward and are talking now about moving in together.

    One thing is a problem though. I'm thinking of breaking up with him.
    He has several friends who he's had for over a decade and they totally HATE me. At first, things were fine, but after a few months they began ostracizing me and actually attempting to turn mutual friends against me.

    Any involvement with this people makes me very uncomfortable and I dread the idea of having to interact with these people.
    They are such a problem that I am wanting to break up with my boyfriend just to be done with the situation and forget these people existed.

    Here's where I know readers will get pissed -

    My boyfriend has said they don't have to be part of our lives. That we will be together and he won't have anything more to do with them.
    This sounds like a solution, but I don't think that's fair to my boyfriend.

    I think if these people have been his friends for 10+ years, it's wrong for him to cut them off for me.
    I've told him this and gave him the option for us to have a mutual breakup and for him to find someone else who his friends like, but he doesn't want that.

    Still, I feel like I just want to be done with this situation and move on.
    My idea of a good relationship isn't one where my boyfriend's friends all hate me, and I don't like the negative energy around it.

    Am I making a mistake if I breakup with him, or should I try to make the relationship work?


    This makes me so sad... icon_sad.gif all i have to say is what ever happens, i hope for the best, and i hope that the both of you are happy.
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2016 11:24 AM GMT
    Right now, your BF is in a no-win position..it's you or his friends.

    My feeling is the best outcome would be for you to (somehow) make peace with his friends...
    The lever is that you make him happy, the situation is making him unhappy. Both you and his friends should be doing what makes him happy.

    I think the best thing you can do is to be completely honest and open with your BF with this.. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose either of you. The direction has to come from him though.

    Good luck.
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2016 10:18 PM GMT
    ...that the word 'Dumping' is being used is in itself tellingicon_rolleyes.gif
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2016 12:17 AM GMT
    Not4u saidWhy would you be with someone that would choose to have friends that don't like you? What does that say about him and the type of people he calls friends? .
    .


    This isn't the popular point of view on this thread but it makes total sense.
    Friendships don't just happen. They develop because of shared interests, outlook, etc. What his friends are like tells you something about what he is like.
    If you hate his friends, sooner or later you are going to see similar qualities emerging in your bf.
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  • mcbrion

    Posts: 326

    May 29, 2016 6:40 AM GMT
    Not4u saidWhy would you be with someone that would choose to have friends that don't like you? What does that say about him and the type of people he calls friends? And even if he gave them up for you that would be hanging over your head for the duration of the relationship and in the first major fight between you to the fact that he gave up long time friends would come flying out of his mouth as sure as there are stars in the heavens.

    First things first. Not4u: the friends were part of his life before the boyfriend. So he didn't "choose" friends after he got this boyfriend. The friends were already part of his life. When I didn't like a friend's boyfriend, it was usually based on my observations of the new boyfriend and how I could see he would hurt my friend eventually. Happened recently that another friend got involved with someone who wasn't really his friend. And a good romantic relationship has friendship as the basis of two people connecting. Not the case HERE.

    True friends would be happy for him and would welcome his new boyfriend into the fold. Now for the sake of argument lets just say you are a supreme asshole and his friends really do have a reason not to like you. Whether you are or not, either way the relationship is doomed. Why prolong the inevitable? Get out now.

    When you are in a relationship you are in a relationship with your partner's family and friends whether they live next door or a thousand miles away.


    We can not assume we're getting an accurate picture, but I agree that true friends would be happy for you - unless they see the red flags and aren't saying anything, but making their disapproval clear. Also, friends see what you don't see sometimes, unless they're bitchy friends , in which case I see his point. But I'd really want to know WHY they 'hate' you.
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2016 3:48 AM GMT

    ^First things first. Not4u: the friends were part of his life before the boyfriend. So he didn't "choose" friends after he got this boyfriend. The friends were already part of his life.

    I know that. He still chose people (supposedly adults) who behave like catty middle school girls. As I said: What does that say about HIM?

    Six or one half dozen of the other, the outcome is the same: The relationship is doomed.
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  • mybud

    Posts: 13071

    Jun 01, 2016 4:19 AM GMT
    He told ya you were more important than his friends. So his friends hate you, if you're looking for admiration from everyone you come into contact with, your life will end in a big disappointment. Grow up..Move on.
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    Jun 04, 2016 10:56 PM GMT
    badbug said
    I seriously have doubts this is a real person. "all his friends hate me" Really? Are you in the KKK or something? They hate you?

    You sound like a flake. You get along perfectly with someone but their friends don't like you? The friends sound like idiots, if they are such great friends, who makes it obvious you "hate" their SO unless their SO is openly smoking crack and heiling Hitler every five minutes.


    You sound immature and it's probably best for everyone not you if you move on.



    I agree with Badbug that the OP is a troll - not a real person asking a real question.

    On the off chance that we are wrong, if the couple is in love, and the BF's friends hate and speak ill of the OP, the BF ought to cut off the relationship with those "friends". Should his old "friends" be more important to him than his partner?
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  • Eleven

    Posts: 335

    Jun 06, 2016 7:17 AM GMT
    I think you should definitely not move in with your boyfriend, if you're that easily affected by his friends. You guys just need to take it slow until the solution is resolved otherwise you could put yourself in a shit situation where you live with him and then you move out leaving him hurt because something that his friends said to you.
    You're obviously young and are still at that stage where you care a lot what other people think of you and that's ok but I'm going to suggest that you don't break up with him over his friends because that's just stupid and immature and you'll learn nothing unless you actually face the problem head on like an adult .......

    personally there was a time where I would have handled the problem just like you and would have even been glad that my BF chose me over his friends but I think the outcome isn't positive in the long run and that's all we want right?
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