What does being gay means for you?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2016 2:31 AM GMT
    I think this is something I am still figuring out for myself at age 27...Especially haven't coming out 2 years ago and only dating girls long terms.
    I have tried to socialize with other gay men and I truly didn't find any fulfillment in my interactions with them, so I ended most of the "friendships" I have tried to built with them.
    I just didn't find going to pool parties every weekend, blasting Dance Music, drinking wine/cocktails...talking about sexual exploits or how someone would want to bone random guys at Starbucks in graphic details...Neither being touched inappropriately...or praised for my looks.

    I must say that I am an introvert, so maybe that plays a part in my dilemma...My counselor told me that I just haven't found my tribe yet and that I am to define what being gay means specifically to me...that there's no right or wrong in this...but not having some sort of blueprint or role model is making it quite challenging.
    I have being fighting passing judgements on other guys, but is it bad to want to associate with people that shared your values and interests?
    Both of my best friends are straight and although I can talk to them about anything...But then they don't really relate with the gay experience.
    One even asked me why I was searching for friends based on their sexual orientation...

    My question is based on this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-emerich-france/our-homonormativity-probl_b_10124540.html?utm_hp_ref=queer-voices

    So, my question is how did you decide what your sexuality meant for you and how are you holding your ground when faced with people who don't share your values?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    May 29, 2016 6:20 AM GMT
    You want to take a very deep breath and lean comfortably back.

    For all the practical purposes, being gay is not any different these days than having blue or black eyes. It is simply your sexual orientation that may matter to the folks who are sexually interested in you and to possibly a few who like to be 'well informed' and have something to gossip around. The latter being entirely immaterial from your point of view.

    So, you go on living your life as you find fit. You make friends based on their human qualities alone. If they cannot understand all issues related to being gay, remember that you may also not be able to understand all the issues to their being whoever they are. We make friends with people with whom we have some sort or good understanding. Not a total one.

    Sure, there is a degree of comfort in belonging to your tribe. And there is a degree of comfort in having a good role model to help you a bit along the way. Try to skip the shallow bits. Shooting breeze and getting drunk alone may be called socializing by some. But there are other guys who attend sport clubs, choirs, charities, and who do something meaningful AND go a grab a drink or two afterwards and exchange the stories with their buddies. Try the latter.

    Yup. Being gay is very much about being sexual. You'll bump into the dudes who will have to recount every graphic bit of their latest conquests. Some will urge you watch their latest vids on the net showing them in action, too. Try to see this as a part of the urban gay folklore. Some dudes need all of this. Many do not! Learn how to shrug with your shoulders and move on. If it makes them happy to tell, and if it makes other guys happy to listen, why interfere there? You must be having better things to do.

    SC
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1149

    May 29, 2016 6:48 AM GMT
    FollowingRivers saidI think this is something I am still figuring out for myself at age 27...Especially haven't coming out 2 years ago and only dating girls long terms.
    I have tried to socialize with other gay men and I truly didn't find any fulfillment in my interactions with them, so I ended most of the "friendships" I have tried to built with them.
    I just didn't find going to pool parties every weekend, blasting Dance Music, drinking wine/cocktails...talking about sexual exploits or how someone would want to bone random guys at Starbucks in graphic details...Neither being touched inappropriately...or praised for my looks.

    I must say that I am an introvert, so maybe that plays a part in my dilemma...My counselor told me that I just haven't found my tribe yet and that I am to define what being gay means specifically to me...that there's no right or wrong in this...but not having some sort of blueprint or role model is making it quite challenging.
    I have being fighting passing judgements on other guys, but is it bad to want to associate with people that shared your values and interests?
    Both of my best friends are straight and although I can talk to them about anything...But then they don't really relate with the gay experience.
    One even asked me why I was searching for friends based on their sexual orientation...

    My question is based on this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-emerich-france/our-homonormativity-probl_b_10124540.html?utm_hp_ref=queer-voices

    So, my question is how did you decide what your sexuality meant for you and how are you holding your ground when faced with people who don't share your values?


    The problem of being gay is really the problem of being this:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bourgeoisie

    "Culturally, the bourgeois man is unmanly, effeminate, and infantile; describing his philistinism in Bonifica antiborghese (1939), Roberto Paravese said that the:

    Middle class, middle man, incapable of great virtue or great vice: and there would be nothing wrong with that, if only he would be willing to remain as such; but, when his child-like or feminine tendency to camouflage pushes him to dream of grandeur, honours, and thus riches, which he cannot achieve honestly with his own "second-rate" powers, then the average man compensates with cunning, schemes, and mischief; he kicks out ethics, and becomes a bourgeois.

    The bourgeois is the average man who does not accept to remain such, and who, lacking the strength sufficient for the conquest of essential values—those of the spirit—opts for material ones, for appearances."

    Like Catholicism, and other -isms, gay was ultimately anti-bourgeois, and one was more willing to withdraw from society then and be willing to live a rather crude existence as long as one's emotional, and I guess, sexual needs, were satisfied. Now however, the vast majority of so-called gay men are bourgeois and they get worse in this as they age.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2016 9:13 AM GMT
    ^ weird, but the title of the thread was - what being gay means for YOU, I guess your mastermind didn't understand the question.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    May 29, 2016 10:51 AM GMT
    It means loneliness and despair for the most part. Gay men are flaky, fickle, don't know how to communicate, and entirely too self absorbed to allow for any real bond. There's nothing bringing us or keeping us together other than the fact we love cock and/or ass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2016 3:01 PM GMT
    honey; being gay is no big issue
    Well adjusted citizens (random people, friends, family) will not care about your sexuality and instead hope you get to do what makes you successful. In turn i feel sexual orientation is not a religion and its not important to me people share this. So clear your plate of dependencies so you can pick and choose only positive influences in your life. These people are not part of my household.

    Finding someone who shares your values and goals is a good starting point. And at the age of 27 may be all that is possible but what could a person be different from you that both of you can still respect each other. Could this person bring to the table some things you do not. The sum of them and you would than be a stronger family house hold and add up to more than just two.

    i knew my husband before my straight divorce. He could not take the dramatics and left me during the divorce. Smart man. We got together after things settled down and created a life together that we can emotionally handle. My husband is my best friend and i feel we can talk about anything.

    gay, straight or bi; put labels on it, all good if you must. Do what is successful for you. Parents family friends dont sleep in your bed. Yes I could I have re married a wife, but i know i can be more successful with a husband because i feel i have a handle on what he is thinking. There are less secrets between us and we trust each other.

    so what does it mean to me:
    respect, communication, trust. Best of luck.



  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1149

    May 29, 2016 4:14 PM GMT
    Bonaparts said^ weird, but the title of the thread was - what being gay means for YOU, I guess your mastermind didn't understand the question.


    But what's gay to me is implied in what I stated though. At the moment I'm not in the "mood" (I don't really have moods however) to spell things out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2016 1:50 AM GMT
    Eli_jah saidIt means loneliness and despair for the most part. Gay men are flaky, fickle, don't know how to communicate, and entirely too self absorbed to allow for any real bond. There's nothing bringing us or keeping us together other than the fact we love cock and/or ass.


    You're Young, "loneliness and despair" are simply the rites of passage. I met my guy when I was 38 and we've been "in love" for over ten years since.

    Feel lonely when you are. It's healthy to acknowledge it. But despair is useless----so stop.
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2940

    May 30, 2016 4:56 AM GMT
    Eli_jah saidIt means loneliness and despair for the most part. Gay men are flaky, fickle, don't know how to communicate, and entirely too self absorbed to allow for any real bond. There's nothing bringing us or keeping us together other than the fact we love cock and/or ass.


    Both you and the OP have clearly had some pretty bad experiences, and I have to respect that. But I don;'t feel lonely or despairing, and my gay friends are helpful, highly motivated, successful at what they do, and do a wonderful job supporting each other. I haven't had sex with any of them (except my ex) - we're friends because we like each other, share tastes in sports or music, and respect each others' opinions, support each other in hard times. We go on vacations together and have done stuff together for 15 or 20 years now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2016 8:23 PM GMT
    As Gertrude Stein said, "There is no there there."