Inexplicably nice hottie whom others hate

  • slowprogress

    Posts: 36

    May 30, 2016 4:58 AM GMT
    Back-story... Will start by saying I'm very average-looking haha. Anyway, a few years back, through friends I met an extremely hot guy, who for whatever reason had taken a liking to me, and of course I reciprocated his flirting... until I heard from others about his boyfriend whom he's been with since high school. After one night out with mutual friends, he "couldn't get home" and "needed" to crash at my place, so - curious to see if he'll exploit the situation - I let him crash. Of course, soon enough he made a move on me, and I rebuffed him on account of his boyfriend... 4 times before he got the message and slinked off to the sofa bed.

    I later found out he and his boyfriend are in an open relationship, (i'm less against it morally as I was when I first met him) not that it would have changed my distaste at being third wheel. Anyway, I don't know if it's because he's still attracted to me (I don't know how??), or he respects me for doing the "right thing" (the temptation was great), but he has since made a huge effort to befriend me, finding various reasons to reconnect, offering help at every opportunity, and just being unrealistically nice overall. He also still flirts a lot when we bump into each other at clubs, sometimes trying to kiss me in front of his boyfriend.

    However, we only hang out a couple times a year, as the friendship is completely one-sided with him taking all the initiative so far, because I heard terrible things by others about how he treats his boyfriend, and my natural cynicism makes me inclined to avoid wasting time on people who may turn out to be fake. I'm surprised he hasn't gotten the hint and given up already. It's weird... his body language is as one would expect from some allegedly fake, vapid, serial cheater, but looking at it objectively, he has only been extraordinarily nice, thorough in communications, and reliable this whole time.

    My increasingly nuanced view of the world is making me wonder if I had been swayed too much by gossip and assumptions, and that perhaps I should give friendship a chance.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 850

    May 30, 2016 5:52 AM GMT
    The guy lives in an open relationship. He is looking for FBs and/or FwBs to have some fun on the side. Probably not much more and most likely not much less either.

    Now, there is a gossip going around. Why would it affect you? You are not likely to become his BF whom he may or may not treat badly. Your emotional investment here is that one of a FB or of a FwB. So, if he starts showing his less appealing side to you, how much can you really lose be showing him the door?

    When you look at all the gossip going around, you'll discover that by far, the most of it is really bad-mouthing other folks, telling you to stay away from them. How realistic is this? I mean, why wouldn't there be a bit more gossip telling you about how cool someone is, and how nice would it be for you to hook up with him and have some fun?

    Just sayin'


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2016 2:32 PM GMT
    slowprogress saidperhaps I should give friendship a chance.

    If that's all you want, you need to be clear, upfront, and consistent about not wanting anything else but friendship. Otherwise, if you want more, talk to his boyfriend to make sure he is okay with it.

    I'd never take anyone at their word that they are in an "open" relationship if I wanted to be part of a person's life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2016 2:53 PM GMT
    do what you want.
    have an exit plan.
    there is a difference between friends or acquaintances.

    by the way arn't you diminishing your self worth and wasting your time, just a tiny bit?
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3343

    Jun 01, 2016 8:00 PM GMT
    Sounds like a horrible boyfriend and a great fuckbud.

    So have (safe) sex with him. Enjoy.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 301

    Jun 01, 2016 11:17 PM GMT
    There is a Chinese saying: When Everyone hates a man, look at that. When Everyone LOVES a man, look at that also.

    So...look at the guy carefully, and not thru the lens of how he behaves with you. You've already said he tries to kiss you in front of his boyfriend, and...? You do not find that questionable behavior, even if the boyfriend does not verbally object in public? Maybe the boyfriend gets a kick out of the cat-and-mouse game, maybe not.

    Many people treat others well until they achieve whatever the objective is (in their mind). It is AFTER they achieve it that one finds out if they are the same person one thought they were, or someone "new" emerges afterwards. So, perhaps their is an ulterior motive. Maybe not, but lets look at it this way (there are other ways to see it, too).

    You present him with a challenge. He is good-looking, and you, by your statement, are average (although I don't like that word. Many very cute guys call themselves average because they compare against others. You can be cute, period, without any comparison. A tree is beautiful because it is, not because you compare it to a stream or a flower). So, by his thinking, you should be kissing his feet. Yet you are not. And you continue to be pleasant to him, despite having routed him when he tried to jump your bones. You didn't treat him badly or diss him. You were a gentleman. And perhaps this fascinate him. He may not be accustomed to respectful treatment even after a rejection. I knew many guys like this in San Francisco during the scores of years I lived there. And what I observed was the change that occurred in the dynamic once the desired response was given. Had it happen to me quite a few times, too, except I was the desired object. What I mistook for genuine interest on their part was simply the "notch-on-the-belt"syndrome.
    Just be aware and awake. You have not given the desired response. If you are really, REALLY curious, then go all the way with him and see how he is afterwards. Only then will your curiosity be finally answered. Just allow yourself to look at it dispassionately, like an experiment, with the only variable being "before" and "after."