Boyfriend leaving to another state, hasn't asked me to go with him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2016 4:39 AM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I know it's not a lot of time, but we love each other. We don't live together, but we see each other a few times a week and I always stay over at his place (we live in the same neighborhood).

    The thing is, he got an amazing job offer on the west coast. We've talked about this even though we've tried to avoid it. He just says "eventually we're going to move on". One day we just cried together because "the end" is getting closer. He tells me he's gonna miss me so much and he's gonna need me, yet he's never asked me to go with him, even though I've hinted that I'd like to. He also hasn't suggested a long distance relationship, but we've never actually touched this subject. We just kind of assume that after he moves out, it'll be the end.

    Do you think I should ask him directly? I just fear that he's going to say no and it'll be even more painful.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Jun 02, 2016 5:27 AM GMT
    Learn to conquer your fear.

    What's the purpose of being BFs if you cannot openly talk about everything?

    So, he has got a great job offer, and wants to move to the West coast? Why would this in itself be the end of your relationship, unless either one or both of you would want it to be that way?

    Whatever the result of your discussion may be, the chances are that you'll gain some clarity on where you stand here. It is important to know if your relationship is that one of reciprocal convenience under specific circumstances (as many relations are) or is there a bit more to it?

    SC

  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Jun 02, 2016 5:36 AM GMT
    I don't want to make you feel bad, but based on what you have written, sounds like his plans are to move on without you. If he hasn't asked you to come with him even after you hinting it ... well, I think you know what that means. I really do feel bad for ya.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 02, 2016 5:48 AM GMT
    Allen saidI don't want to make you feel bad, but based on what you have written, sounds like his plans are to move on without you. If he hasn't asked you to come with him even after you hinting it ... well, I think you know what that means. I really do feel bad for ya.


    This^^^^

    You're probably both young, I'm sure he is excited to explore a whole new world in front of him ... that's just the way life goes ... you know what they say... If you find love set it free, if it comes back it was always yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

    Things end, people change, life goes on.
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    Jun 02, 2016 2:36 PM GMT
    zoolanderz saidDo you think I should ask him directly? I just fear that he's going to say no and it'll be even more painful.


    Yes, have a serious talk with him. Perhaps he's just that clueless that your "hints" have gone straight through one ear and out the other.

    You aren't a mind reader, neither is he.

    If it's worth saving, it's worth burying your fear for. If you don't say anything, he leaves, and it ends, you will always second guess yourself as to whether you should have stood up for what you wanted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2016 12:23 AM GMT
    zoolanderz saidDo you think I should ask him directly? I just fear that he's going to say no and it'll be even more painful.

    Yes, it's the only way you'll know for sure. Hinting at it hasn't worked.
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    Jun 03, 2016 2:31 AM GMT
    Allen saidI don't want to make you feel bad, but based on what you have written, sounds like his plans are to move on without you. If he hasn't asked you to come with him even after you hinting it ... well, I think you know what that means. I really do feel bad for ya.


    Yeah, that's what I've thought and what makes me depressed even though he hasn't left yet.
    I should also mention that it's very difficult for him to express his emotions. That day we cried he told me a bunch of things he never told me before. "Sometimes I want to say some things to you but I don't do it because it's hard for me to be emotionally open."
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 03, 2016 5:45 AM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    Allen saidI don't want to make you feel bad, but based on what you have written, sounds like his plans are to move on without you. If he hasn't asked you to come with him even after you hinting it ... well, I think you know what that means. I really do feel bad for ya.


    Yeah, that's what I've thought and what makes me depressed even though he hasn't left yet.
    I should also mention that it's very difficult for him to express his emotions. That day we cried he told me a bunch of things he never told me before. "Sometimes I want to say some things to you but I don't do it because it's hard for me to be emotionally open."


    Well, there is more than one way to take that. You can't get inside his mind, so you really don't know what he meant by that. For all you know he would like to tell you that he just wants to be friends but he can tell you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. How ever you go about it, make sure you don't make it sound like not giving him a choice. I'm pretty sure that had he had strong feelings for you, he would have just came out and asked you to move where ever he is going with him. Maybe the real issue is that he just hasn't matured enough to have learned to say no.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2016 6:31 AM GMT
    If you don't talk directly about the situation, you will never know.
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    Jun 03, 2016 1:03 PM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    Do you think I should ask him directly? I just fear that he's going to say no and it'll be even more painful.

    If you don't raise the subject with him then the result is the same as if you had in fact asked him, and he said no. You already know he's about to leave without you. What have you got to lose by asking? Other than facing the awkwardness of it. But if you really wanna stay with the guy, you risk taking that hit.

    And it gives you closure. Otherwise you're gonna be haunted by the "what ifs" that'll hinder you in finding new relationships. Just suck in your breath and ask him if you can accompany him. Who knows, maybe he's waiting for something more forceful from you than mere hints.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 03, 2016 4:59 PM GMT

    I don't want to blow sunshine up your skirt because it sounds like it's over, but there is one possibility, especially in light of your comment that he has a hard time expressing emotions. I could be that he believes it is just too much to ask of you to uproot your world to follow him. I would find it hard to ask someone to do that, though I've done it. Have the talk.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 6:54 PM GMT
    Thanks for the advice, guys.
    He's leaving at the end of the month. Will report back.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Jun 05, 2016 6:42 AM GMT
    Good luck buddy! I genuinely hope it works out the way you want.
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    Jun 07, 2016 5:03 AM GMT
    "...but we love each other..."

    You may love him but he doesn't love you otherwise he would have asked you to go.

    When the prospect of my guy having to leaving me and our relationship was to become a long distance, international one, I asked him to marry me. Without hesitation he said yes - leaving a career and family in his native country for an uncertain future in a foreign land whose language he wasn't proficient in and would be starting from scratch.

    That's love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2016 6:16 PM GMT
    Not4u said"...but we love each other..."

    You may love him but he doesn't love you otherwise he would have asked you to go.

    When the prospect of my guy having to leaving me and our relationship was to become a long distance, international one, I asked him to marry me. Without hesitation he said yes - leaving a career and family in his native country for an uncertain future in a foreign land whose language he wasn't proficient in and would be starting from scratch.

    That's love.


    It's absolutely amazing -

    That someone could love anyone as snarky and mean as you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2016 11:34 PM GMT
    You are not married or living together now. It's only been a year. You are dating.

    Didn't he have to APPLY for the job? I doubt it came out of the blue with no input on his part. He may have been looking even before he met you.

    He certainly may love you. But his career is his first priority.
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    Jun 10, 2016 11:17 PM GMT
    Puppenjunge said
    Not4u said"...but we love each other..."

    You may love him but he doesn't love you otherwise he would have asked you to go.

    When the prospect of my guy having to leaving me and our relationship was to become a long distance, international one, I asked him to marry me. Without hesitation he said yes - leaving a career and family in his native country for an uncertain future in a foreign land whose language he wasn't proficient in and would be starting from scratch.

    That's love.


    It's absolutely amazing -

    That someone could love anyone as snarky and mean as you.


    That's because I'm only snarky and mean to idiots on this site. Hint. Hint.