When a relationship ends badly...really badly

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2016 2:54 AM GMT
    So my boyfriend of 2 years slugged me in the face. He was arrested. There were prior physical altercations with him. He is an alcoholic and has major anger issues.
    I'm going through so much right now. It's still a breakup for me and I had fantasies about what life could have been if he were the man I wanted him to be. My heart is completely broken. He was my first boyfriend. I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life. I don't know where to even begin to pick up the pieces
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Jun 03, 2016 3:40 AM GMT
    first of all, there should NEVER BE a second time. ONCE should be the day you packed your bags.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2016 3:50 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear of your plight. Give it time, and stop thinking about him. Have no contact with him. It does heal in time.
  • ANTiSociaLiNJ...

    Posts: 1160

    Jun 03, 2016 4:00 AM GMT
    That's really rough. Never tolerate physical abuse from the person who is supposed to be the most important person in your life.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 03, 2016 4:22 AM GMT
    I know how you feel. And it's no fun. I once was dumped by a guy I had an image of a happy future with. But once I finished feeling crushed, I saw him more clearly than I ever had and realized I'd dodged a bullet. Should have noticed that there was probably a reason his ex-wife jumped in front of a train. Love is blind. Lick your wounds and resolve to find a guy who'll love you, not hurt you.
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    Jun 03, 2016 4:29 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI know how you feel. And it's no fun. I once was dumped by a guy I had an image of a happy future with. But once I finished feeling crushed, I saw him more clearly than I ever had and realized I'd dodged a bullet. Should have noticed that there was probably a reason his ex-wife jumped in front of a train. Love is blind. Lick your wounds and resolve to find a guy who'll love you, not hurt you.


    Thank you. I know it to be true. It just hurts so bad. I feel like someone has died and I'm mourning their death
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jun 03, 2016 6:12 AM GMT
    Remember that hardly anyone starts an LTR WITHOUT dreaming of a great future together. You are not alone in this. We all take huge risks, invest hugely into our common future only to see that relatively very few people succeed in fulfilling their dreams. The rest of the folks fail only too soon.

    Yet, you need to count your blessings. The truth showed itself within a year. You are out of a nightmare, hurt and aching but alive. Gather all your strength, and move on without ever looking back. The sooner you manage to gather your strength and move on the better it is.

    Never look back!

    SC
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    Jun 03, 2016 1:36 PM GMT
    I wish you the very best, and I hope that you find someone who truly deserves you.
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    Jun 03, 2016 1:38 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidI wish you the very best, and I hope that you find someone who truly deserves you.


    Thank you. I appreciate the support. One day at a time.
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    Jun 03, 2016 2:25 PM GMT
    zoltar said One day at a time.
    ya sure.

    here it goes:
    check out a support group for people with alcoholic partners. http://al-anon.org/
    look at some of their theories and see if their technology might work for you.
    al-anon is an entrenched old setup but alcoholism and abuse is an old time disease.

    considering this is your 1st boy friend please always, with out exception, consider the high road in life. Look for a boy friend who has a loving track record and solid skills. All your future relationships should be as important as what your parents had have.

    very best of luck
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 03, 2016 4:53 PM GMT
    zoltar said
    Destinharbor saidI know how you feel. And it's no fun. I once was dumped by a guy I had an image of a happy future with. But once I finished feeling crushed, I saw him more clearly than I ever had and realized I'd dodged a bullet. Should have noticed that there was probably a reason his ex-wife jumped in front of a train. Love is blind. Lick your wounds and resolve to find a guy who'll love you, not hurt you.


    Thank you. I know it to be true. It just hurts so bad. I feel like someone has died and I'm mourning their death

    Well, you know, there was a death of the relationship. Don't feel bad to mourn. But resolve to not get stuck in it either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 2:06 AM GMT
    Mate,

    Sorry to hear about your ex hurting you, but you know, a guy whom truly loves you will NEVER think about hurting you in any way. I think, as mentioned before, you dodged a big bullet. Keep your chin up... Love will find you one day!

    Cheers and hugs,

    Sean
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 04, 2016 2:24 AM GMT
    zoltar saidSo my boyfriend of 2 years slugged me in the face. He was arrested. There were prior physical altercations with him. He is an alcoholic and has major anger issues.
    I'm going through so much right now. It's still a breakup for me and I had fantasies about what life could have been if he were the man I wanted him to be. My heart is completely broken. He was my first boyfriend. I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life. I don't know where to even begin to pick up the pieces
    Love isn't supposed to hurt. Stay single and work on the issues that have gotten you where you are presently.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jun 05, 2016 3:30 PM GMT
    Please, please, PLEASE watch out for such red flags in the future, such as alcoholism, excessive drug use (weed not so much, but still...) or the like. Even something (in American society) as supposedly "normal" as a lot of drinking is a sign that someone may be doing it to distract one from feeling anything deeply, and others marginalize heavy drinkers so easily ("they like to have a drink." To which my reply is, "NO. They like the drinking, not just 'having a drink.'") it stuns me that they are so oblivious to what is happening right in front of their face. It IS a sign, one you may not have seen in the beginning.

    That said, I'm sorry. The death of Love is no less than the any other kind of death. It hurts tremendously. And it makes one feel so sad. Give yourself a year to get past this and ignore those who say "Get over it." People will rush you thru emotions because 1), their own emotions are shallow, or 2), they can't really hold another person's pain in their psyche without getting wounded by it themselves. You need empathetic friends, not co-dependent ones right now.
  • Eleven

    Posts: 159

    Jun 06, 2016 7:04 AM GMT
    I've been there too, the worst relationship I've ever had also was the hardest to get over, happened 7 years ago and only started dating again last year.

    The first step I actually took towards healing was creating a vegetable garden, I was a shell and I moved back in with my mum and she took me to the hardware store and bought me all these vegetable plants and told me to go in the backyard and plant them, then I had to water them every day and talk to them and shit, it didn't fix my broken heart but it was the first step a made towards finding myself again, I got a lot of satisfaction out of growing vegetables and eating them and they made me strong lol but there's something about tending to a garden that's therapeutic, and also the irony of pruning plants so they grow more and flourish I made the connection with the way I was treated by my ex, he had taken a lot from me and had left me bare but I eventually grew back and now I'm more than the person I used to be.....It would never have happened though if I didn't cut him off cold turkey, I mean it, you don't want to ever have contact with that peice of shit again, have your moment and move on otherwise you'll get back with him and you haven't learnt your lesson.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2016 4:52 AM GMT
    Failed marriage to a woman. Failed relationship with a man. The common denominator is YOU. Clean up the mess that is you before trying to start a relationship with someone else. You're running out of genders.
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    Jun 08, 2016 3:14 AM GMT
    Not4u saidFailed marriage to a woman. Failed relationship with a man. The common denominator is YOU. Clean up the mess that is you before trying to start a relationship with someone else. You're running out of genders.

    As harsh as your comment is you are right in a way but maybe not the shitty way you meant it. I'm too nice, caring, and honest. Horrible people are a dime a dozen. Users, liars, abusers prey or have preyed on me because I think everyone is as good of a person as me. I'll never stop being a good person but I sure as hell need to become more confident in myself to demand what I deserve and not fall victim to pathetic losers. Somehow these losers manage to convince me that even though they have zero to offer I should stay with them. That's why I'm going to take this opportunity of being single to work on myself for once. Nobody is going to do this bullshit to me again. I'd rather be single than have ugly people in my life.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jun 12, 2016 5:09 AM GMT
    Being nice and caring is one thing. Being a martyr is another, and in order to avoid being a martyr, one needs to be able to distinguish emotionally health people from emotionally unhealthy people, which seems to be something you can stand some help with. I find when someone truly believes they deserve some kind and loving, they don't stay in relationships with people who are unloving, yet you have two histories that indicate you have gone down that path. You might be consciously saying you want someone kind, but your subconscious is saying the opposite: that you don't truly believe that.

    We ARE our history, because we made that history ourselves. Some things, of course, just "happened" to us, but that takes place in childhood, before you are able to make your own decisions. Once you reach adulthood, that history is of your own making. I don't like the way Not4u phrased it, but technically, his statement, although a bit unkind, is accurate. Don't blame this on others' ugliness or you'll stay trapped in picking emotionally abusive people to have relationships with. Look at yourself.
    I have a friend, whom I love dearly - and dated very briefly - who continues to blame his partners for the failure of the relationship, when it is clear that he has rejected healthier people (me, for one, but that was for the best. I realized I'd be better off as a friend. I wouldn't have made him happy - and he certainly wouldn't have made me happy in the long run, either). He is clearly uncomfortable any time I bring up the subject of genuine intimacy when he mentions guys he's talking to online: I see his leg start tapping on the floor furiously. I know what that response indicates: discomfort with the subject matter. But he has yet to face that fact and he is 63. But I also know his family history: his parents were very cold and emotionally undemonstrative, and - and this is not to put him down - that kind of environment makes him a prime candidate for picking the wrong people, because "Love" was never modeled for him, so he makes up his own definition, which would be fine if he kept his eyes open and not closing them in denial. I can just be there for him.

    His last lover, whom he moved in after a month of knowing him, gave him Hep C, and he's already HIV positive. I had to bite my tongue off not tell him he was clearly off his rocker, other than to ask him if he wasn't moving way too fast. And now he's got lesions in his rectum. I want to hug him and choke him at the same time for dong this to himself. This was clearly preventable, but he's in serious denial about his emotional (in)capability in picking out someone healthy, but right now he needs sympathy, not "tough love." He's having to face his mortality because of this last caper with the wrong guy, whom I am 100% positive he didn't even ask about any diseases the guy might have. But when they separated, the guy told him, and it was at this point he became indignant with the guy, when I know from looking at his computer, he advertises for bareback sex. Stupid? VERY. But he's a been a sweetheart of a friend, and this is not the time to give him a hard time.

    So, don't do this to yourself. Based on your posts, I think therapy could be very helpful for you, if only to have a professional who reflects your choices back at you and makes you look at why you pick those who aren't good for you. There are AlWAYS red flags in anyone who's abusive (excessive sarcasm, withholding emotional support, constant putdowns, reaffirming "you can't do anything right," to point out just a few red flags), but you seem unable to see them, or else you rationalize them to yourself and then it blows up in your face, and very badly at that. You do deserve better, but are you capable of recognizing what "better" looks like?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2016 6:30 AM GMT
    zoltar said
    Not4u saidFailed marriage to a woman. Failed relationship with a man. The common denominator is YOU. Clean up the mess that is you before trying to start a relationship with someone else. You're running out of genders.

    As harsh as your comment is you are right in a way but maybe not the shitty way you meant it. I'm too nice, caring, and honest. Horrible people are a dime a dozen. Users, liars, abusers prey or have preyed on me because I think everyone is as good of a person as me. I'll never stop being a good person but I sure as hell need to become more confident in myself to demand what I deserve and not fall victim to pathetic losers. Somehow these losers manage to convince me that even though they have zero to offer I should stay with them. That's why I'm going to take this opportunity of being single to work on myself for once. Nobody is going to do this bullshit to me again. I'd rather be single than have ugly people in my life.


    Excellent response.