Sex to cope from a breakup

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2016 8:59 PM GMT
    So as you guys may have read the last two years of my life have been a mess. I'll summarize then ask my questions:
    Married to a woman for 7 years
    Going through a painful, ugly divorce
    Found a boyfriend who was an alcoholic and physically abusive. I was with him for over a year. We hadn't had sex in the last 10 months.
    I'm just now single like as of a few days but I find myself spending hours looking at Grindr and porn. I also have contacted men about hooking up and have hooked up once already. My abusive boyfriend used to get mad at me because I would constantly hound him for sex via texts. I was faithful to him even though he didn't give me any and did lay off of him towards the end. I'm confused as if I'm just excited now that I can finally explore. I'm relatively new to being gay so is it I just want to fuck everyone phase? Am I trying to cope with my pain via sex? Am I a sex addict?
    I found my abusive boyfriend on Grindr and he was the second man I ever had sex with. I'm really confused. I want to move on and forward but don't want to fall into unhealthy and behaviors that leave you empty. I've had sone many issues I don't want another one.
    Fuck me. You figure out you're gay and you like gay sex and I find the one dumbass who was abusive and celibate to boot. Now my head is swirling with a bunch of bullshit. I need some advice. I appreciate everyone's support on here and I've listened and heeded a lot of people's advice on here.

    Thanks!
  • yngclassic98

    Posts: 4

    Jun 03, 2016 9:24 PM GMT
    It certainly sounds like you have gone through quite the ordeal over the last few years. No one deserves to be abused, and I'm sure you did not ask to be neglected. However, I am curious what you have learned from these experience. Do you know what you enjoyed and didn't enjoy? Can identify behaviors to steer clear of, or signs that make you excited? Sex is one of the easiest things to find in this world. Not everyone seeks monogamy, and and not everyone is concerned with intimacy. But some people truly are looking for something more meaningful than that the quick nut. You were with your wife for years, and then with your boyfriend... something made you stay. Now that you are away from them, I encourage you to ask yourself what you are looking for. Companionship ? Intimacy? Fun and freedom? Determine what you need and would make you happy and satisfied. It sounds as though you are a far stretch from being a sex addict. But I do think you might need a minute to yourself. Being gay is more than just having sex with everyone. You're allowed to find an identity separate from the bedroom. When you're feeling better about all that you've gone through, the sex won't be such a trial.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2016 9:35 PM GMT
    yngclassic98 saidIt certainly sounds like you have gone through quite the ordeal over the last few years. No one deserves to be abused, and I'm sure you did not ask to be neglected. However, I am curious what you have learned from these experience. Do you know what you enjoyed and didn't enjoy? Can identify behaviors to steer clear of, or signs that make you excited? Sex is one of the easiest things to find in this world. Not everyone seeks monogamy, and and not everyone is concerned with intimacy. But some people truly are looking for something more meaningful than that the quick nut. You were with your wife for years, and then with your boyfriend... something made you stay. Now that you are away from them, I encourage you to ask yourself what you are looking for. Companionship ? Intimacy? Fun and freedom? Determine what you need and would make you happy and satisfied. It sounds as though you are a far stretch from being a sex addict. But I do think you might need a minute to yourself. Being gay is more than just having sex with everyone. You're allowed to find an identity separate from the bedroom. When you're feeling better about all that you've gone through, the sex won't be such a trial.

    Basically all he wanted was one thing and so we weren't even sexually compatible in my opinion. So I still feel like I don't know what I want sexually. I want to try it all. That's why it is so exciting because I've had very little experience. With that said my mind tells me you're moving way too fast. Give it time.
    Ultimately I want a man to share my life with who loves my children as much as I do. I used to have fantasies about camping trips and road trips and walks on the beach with him. I've been devastated by this. Sex is just a distraction for me I believe and relieves my pain and stress. Ultimately I know it's short lived like any vice.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jun 03, 2016 9:41 PM GMT

    I don't know your story but it does sound as though you have issues with your identity to a degree and decisiveness. Do you have issues over-thinking things?


    I wouldn't worry so much that you are using sex to cope with a break up in an unhealthy manner. It just sounds like you're being a man who has had some odd relationships in his past.

    As long as you're staying safe and not launching yourself back into co-dependant relationships i wouldn't worry about normal socializing as being the unhealthy part of your life. Just keep your dating life simple for now. Are you capable of doing that?

    Have you been doing any looking into and work on why you allowed yourself to end up in an abusive relationship that wasn't fulfilling your needs?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 2:50 AM GMT
    I guess it's better than getting drunk.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jun 04, 2016 3:57 AM GMT
    zoltar said
    yngclassic98 saidIt certainly sounds like you have gone through quite the ordeal over the last few years. No one deserves to be abused, and I'm sure you did not ask to be neglected. However, I am curious what you have learned from these experience. Do you know what you enjoyed and didn't enjoy? Can identify behaviors to steer clear of, or signs that make you excited? Sex is one of the easiest things to find in this world. Not everyone seeks monogamy, and and not everyone is concerned with intimacy. But some people truly are looking for something more meaningful than that the quick nut. You were with your wife for years, and then with your boyfriend... something made you stay. Now that you are away from them, I encourage you to ask yourself what you are looking for. Companionship ? Intimacy? Fun and freedom? Determine what you need and would make you happy and satisfied. It sounds as though you are a far stretch from being a sex addict. But I do think you might need a minute to yourself. Being gay is more than just having sex with everyone. You're allowed to find an identity separate from the bedroom. When you're feeling better about all that you've gone through, the sex won't be such a trial.

    Basically all he wanted was one thing and so we weren't even sexually compatible in my opinion. So I still feel like I don't know what I want sexually. I want to try it all. That's why it is so exciting because I've had very little experience. With that said my mind tells me you're moving way too fast. Give it time.
    Ultimately I want a man to share my life with who loves my children as much as I do. I used to have fantasies about camping trips and road trips and walks on the beach with him. I've been devastated by this. Sex is just a distraction for me I believe and relieves my pain and stress. Ultimately I know it's short lived like any vice.


    In some sense, you have already answered your own question.

    If you see sex as vice you will always punish yourself to some degree for engaging in it.

    Your time to part with your troublesome past by virtually reinventing yourself has now come.

    You may find a professional help very useful if not entirely indispensable.

    Draw your line by shaking off most of the pre-conceived ideas you had uncritically adopted in the past. Start by seeing the things as they are. Grindr is neither good nor bad. It boils down how you use it. Marriage and relationships are neither good nor bad. What matters is how they function for the people involved.

    Everyone wants to be in a relationship these days, and everybody wants everybody else to be in a relationship, too. Relationships give people the false sense of legitimacy of some kind.

    Say, you meet a guy who says, "Dude, I am playing the field, and enjoying my life at the moment." Everybody else around is likely to turn light green with envy and shoot 'slut' over. If a dude said, "I am in a relationship.", we'd all sigh saying, "how nice". Dumb.

    Just like Grindr, relationships are neither good nor bad per se. You have just learnt that yourself.

    So, lean back. Stop buying into the ready made solutions for your personal happiness and seek your path to personal happiness very wisely. Leave out the public opinion. Focus on yourself and your own needs. Your key search word is compatibility.

    Consider the fact that sex is just one of the most essential needs we have. There is no great virtue of making this into a major issue of your life. Think of it as if you were talking about yourself being simply hungry. Sometimes, the time and the budget at hand allow for a sandwich or a hamburger only. At other times you may want to afford a great home-cooked meal. And yet, at other times you want to splurge a bit, too.

    Few people allow their natural need for food/sex to disrupt their lives. But many of us manage to get both while having reasonably settled and good lives. Why wouldn't you try to do the same?

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 5:30 AM GMT
    Is that you Dr. Drew?
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Jun 04, 2016 5:42 AM GMT
    I get the impression you really like being in a relationship. And if that's the case, do you think you might be trying too hard to replace the one you had with a woman with one with a guy ... now that you have accepted you're gay?

    You're just now coming to terms with your sexuality. And you need to give that some time. Take your time so that you could learn what you like and don't like, and what you want and don't want.

    I also must caution you, and many posters here might disagree with me on this. But you're going to find it a lot more difficult to find a relationship with another gay man, especially a monogamous one if that is what you're looking for. For one, there are obviously far fewer gay men than women. But to make matters worse, of those gay men, you're going to find a much smaller percentage seeking a relationship compared to women.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 04, 2016 6:41 AM GMT
    Sorry your first relationship sucked ... sound like you need to work on a little self respect because you should have dumped him 9 and half month before. Are you on drugs? Do you have a drinking problem? Are you still trying to deal with being gay? Before you go get involved in another relationship, get some help, clear your head and learn to love yourself first. Maybe you're guilting over having married a woman, when you knew better. Learn to forgive yourself. We are all trying to figure out our way through life and we learn from our mistakes. So don't make your life worse or unconsciously punish yourself to make up for the mistakes of your past.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 8:40 AM GMT
    This is a very old advise and very generic but can be very crucial. Maybe you should consider talking to a shrink.
    People sometimes think mental health is not as important, so seeing a shrink is seen as a waste of time and money. But I think it's good to talk about your feeling. And men, lots of time, has been indoctrinated that talking about their feeling is unnecessary, and many even think that it's very not manly.
    The thing is, when we have so much pressure and stress, our thoughts go awry sometimes. Talking about your feeling helps you sort it out, so you can think clearly.
    They will not tell you what to do and how to solve your problem most of the time, but they will ask questions, about you, and hopefully, they will help you discover yourself in a lot of ways. "Why you are unhappy", "Why you keep making the same mistakes", "Why you keep picking the wrong person as your partner". Those are just some general examples.
    So when you discover yourself and find those answers, you will learn from your mistake, learn who you are, learn what you really need, so you can make the best decision to cope and go on with your life. Whether what you really need is tons of sex, or focus on your family, or celibate for a few months, I don't know, but maybe you will find the answers yourself.
    So there. Just wanna point out that talking to a shrink can help, if you find the one who's good and willing to help, but you also have to make effort in the therapy session with them too. It has to be two way street.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 2:49 PM GMT
    in comment to the ^above; at $100/hour, professional help grows on trees. feel free to shop around and if the physc professional is not insightful tell him so. Find professional help, attend a few work seminars, talk to a friend, research on google are all things show your on a good path. If you have the cash take a working vacation sabbatical. Education and self help is key in a proper restart of your new life.

    zoltar said... Married to a woman for 7 years, Going through a painful, ugly divorce...

    -if your not yet divorced you should not be dating. Dont call it a date, its having super great sex on grinder
    -never say anything bad about your wife. never look back. go forward with your life.
    -If and when you become a divorced man be careful on your relationships as the probability of failure increases after each divorce. For example; 1st time divorce is 50% likely. 2nd time its 65% likely. 3rd time...
    -Keep in mind if the divorce rate is 50% that means half of the relationships are successful and intact for life, quite remarkable for them. No reason why this cant include you and me.

    no such thing as a diamond in the rough
    -Not a good sign; open a prospective boy friend's freezer and a bottle of vodka falls out. drugs, alcohol are totally bad. look for guys that are so busy with positive things in their lives they dont have time for the self destructive time out.
    -all men of any worth grew up in an accepting environment and have a loving connection to their family and community.
    -me, you and our peers should have excellent relationship skills. As proof look at how we treat our selves and others.


    relationships, gay or straight, are structured mostly the same.

    best of luck in a new life!





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2016 3:32 AM GMT
    pellaz saidin comment to the ^above; at $100/hour, professional help grows on trees. feel free to shop around and if the physc professional is not insightful tell him so. Find professional help, attend a few work seminars, talk to a friend, research on google are all things show your on a good path. If you have the cash take a working vacation sabbatical. Education and self help is key in a proper restart of your new life.

    zoltar said... Married to a woman for 7 years, Going through a painful, ugly divorce...

    -if your not yet divorced you should not be dating. Dont call it a date, its having super great sex on grinder
    -never say anything bad about your wife. never look back. go forward with your life.
    -If and when you become a divorced man be careful on your relationships as the probability of failure increases after each divorce. For example; 1st time divorce is 50% likely. 2nd time its 65% likely. 3rd time...
    -Keep in mind if the divorce rate is 50% that means half of the relationships are successful and intact for life, quite remarkable for them. No reason why this cant include you and me.

    no such thing as a diamond in the rough
    -Not a good sign; open a prospective boy friend's freezer and a bottle of vodka falls out. drugs, alcohol are totally bad. look for guys that are so busy with positive things in their lives they dont have time for the self destructive time out.
    -all men of any worth grew up in an accepting environment and have a loving connection to their family and community.
    -me, you and our peers should have excellent relationship skills. As proof look at how we treat our selves and others.


    relationships, gay or straight, are structured mostly the same.

    best of luck in a new life!


    Each day, as slow as my progress may be, gets a little easier and life geys a little better. We live in a world of instant gratification and getting over the issues I have had won't be instantaneous. I'm trying to stay mindful of that and be good to myself. Thanks to those who have helped
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2016 11:54 PM GMT
    After an abusive relationship people often blame themselves. I did that too, But my next 2 relationships were not like Jimmy, my first. One dot does not make a pattern. If you consistently seek out harmful relationships then you have a problem.

    Three's nothing wrong with liking sex and wanting to experiment. Your experience has been stifled and you are at an adolescent level in that respect. A lot of Gay men who come out late try to make up for lost time.