Gay with staight

  • Triggerman

    Posts: 528

    Jun 04, 2016 4:44 PM GMT
    I work at a gym. I am a trainer. I am pretty openly gay to anyone that asks though most everyone thinks I am straight. Members and all. Small gym so I assume all my coworkers know, front desk guys and gals, sales people. Never a problem. One guy is a former Marine, cool dude but he has told me he has ptsd and other issues. But not a problem, we both ride Harleys and he wants to ride with me as he is not from San Diego and does not know the backroads. Cool. So, I text him last week, hey let's do a ride. But before, I want to be above board. I am a gay man. If that makes a difference. His response was unsettling. "Do not ever contact me for anything that does not deal with gym business." It was not like I was looking for a buddy to ride with. It was all him, dude let's ride, dude where do you take your bike for service? I assumed he knew I was gay since everyone knows. I don't make I an issue but I answer honestly when coworkers ask. Strange
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    Jun 04, 2016 4:57 PM GMT
    your sexuality is no one else s business.
    A well adjusted citizen off the street should not care and only want the best for you.
    icon_eek.gifSo why at the age of 53 are you asking this? Tell us?

    -Everyone has their limitations and greatness but other wise can be guaranteed to be completely different
    -You know there are people NOT well adjusted, after 30 years they are still shooting up abortion clinics.

    Just me but meet up, go for a canyon motorcycle ride, basically you put on your helmet and your in your own world. If something goes very bad you have a ride to the hospital. No where in any of this is burgers & a beer bonding is included. Bet he thinks other wise.
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 528

    Jun 04, 2016 5:07 PM GMT
    why at 53? Don't know. Because it happened when I am fifty three? If it happened at 47, I would say that.
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    Jun 04, 2016 5:18 PM GMT
    Why did you have to wave your sexuality in his face like that? Never bring up your sexuality until it's an issue. This is what makes (some) straight people uncomfortable with gay men.

    It sounds to me like he's a closeted guy. Chances are, he knew you were gay but wanted to just let things happen naturally without you saying the words. With closeted guys, saying those words will kill it every time. When you tell them you're gay, in their mind, it means they are gay if they hangout with you. Of course if you're wanting more than a roll in the hay with this guy, maybe it's for the best.
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    Jun 04, 2016 5:53 PM GMT
    pellaz saidyour sexuality is no one else s business.
    A well adjusted citizen off the street should not care and only want the best for you.
    icon_eek.gifSo why at the age of 53 are you asking this? Tell us?

    you know there are people not well adjusted, after 30 years they are still shooting up abortion clinics.


    And bashing people in the head with baseball bats.
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 280

    Jun 04, 2016 6:20 PM GMT
    I think it's fine that you confirmed your sexuality to him before meeting up. We shouldn't need to out ourselves to everyone we meet (it's not like straight people say to new acquaintances "by the way, I'm straight, is that a problem for you?") but lots of people do just assume everyone they meet is straight, and there are people who haven't considered being associated with homosexuals, so sometimes it is kind of necessary to let them know up front in case an awkward moment comes up later. And from his reaction it seems like you did the right thing. If he was all right with it, he would have said "no problem, doesn't bother me".

    He did say not to contact him unless its about gym business so he hasn't completely gone off you. I don't know anything about his ptsd or "other issues"you mentioned, but maybe what you told him unsettled him for some reason and perhaps he needs a bit of space to figure things out. If he does have a problem with you personally, its his problem, not yours.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 04, 2016 6:22 PM GMT
    I'm not sure I would have thrown that out there like you did but I understand your thinking and consider the motivation honorable. These days I just don't care if people know or don't know. I just live my life and they can think whatever they want. But if this guy has issues, well they're his issues, not yours. I don't know if he is closeted or phobic but either way, he's an asshole.
  • tiddlypush

    Posts: 43

    Jun 04, 2016 7:22 PM GMT
    the guy is an asshole.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Jun 04, 2016 7:25 PM GMT
    When it seems appropriate, I bring it up in a way that makes it seem totally mundane and something that could not be interpreted to be an issue. Using that approach I have never experienced a negative reaction.
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    Jun 04, 2016 10:31 PM GMT
    The guy is homophobic - not uncommon in ex-military.
    He may also be clueless, if he works there and had no idea you were gay. (OTOH, you say most people think you are straight). But you are in San Diego, one of the most conservative and religious areas of California

    No accounting for other's feelings. But now you know his. I would keep my distance in the future. Unlike Radd, I really doubt he has a gay bone in his body. Just one of your run-of-the-mill homophobic ex-mil biker guys.
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    Jun 04, 2016 11:48 PM GMT
    His loss, but I never tell. If someone can't figure me out or guess, I keep everything straight forward.
    Gay----the word----Is not always accepted like----the gay me! I just act normal. I am not a flamboyant person
    and when I talk about CARS I am dead serious!!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 05, 2016 12:14 AM GMT
    Chalk it up to his ptsd and move on....
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Jun 05, 2016 6:12 AM GMT
    I agree with Radd that he might very well be closeted--maybe closeted bisexual. But I disagree that you were waving your sexuality in his face. Based on what you wrote, you did it precisely the way I would have. And I see nothing wrong with it. The issue is now his to deal with, so I'd just ignore him from here on out.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jun 05, 2016 7:59 AM GMT
    Radd saidWhy did you have to wave your sexuality in his face like that? Never bring up your sexuality until it's an issue. This is what makes (some) straight people uncomfortable with gay men.

    It sounds to me like he's a closeted guy. Chances are, he knew you were gay but wanted to just let things happen naturally without you saying the words. With closeted guys, saying those words will kill it every time. When you tell them you're gay, in their mind, it means they are gay if they hangout with you. Of course if you're wanting more than a roll in the hay with this guy, maybe it's for the best.


    This...

    Yet, you did an honorable thing. He chose to take a rain check, and the life has just moved on. His loss. Not yours.

    Now, we are free to speculate that he may be a closeted case, a homophobe, wanted an DL thing or whatever. Your openness about your sexual orientation, for better or worse, makes you incompatible. You have just saved yourself from some inconvenience down the road.

    I have learnt to read my big red flags. I am a very open-minded guy. I believe in the freedom of thought and the freedom of expression, too. So, I used to be tolerant of the people who openly stated views that are either racist, discriminatory or outright stupid. I thought, I'd disagree, but it was their life, so I should leave it to them... Each and every one of those people turned out to be an asshole in the end...

    The moment someone reacts in a way this dude has done, I move on. Life is too short for being wasted on assholes.

    SC

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2016 1:47 PM GMT
    I don't hide the fact that I'm bisexual, it just doesn't come up unless it's about sex. Though having a male fiance is a good indicator that I'm not straight.

    The fact that you brought it up may have indicated to him that you were thinking something sexual was up, or possibly going to be up. Why bring it up unless you were expecting sex, could be his thought process.
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    Jun 05, 2016 7:31 PM GMT
    kzen64 saidThe fact that you brought it up may have indicated to him that you were thinking something sexual was up, or possibly going to be up. Why bring it up unless you were expecting sex, could be his thought process.

    I'm glad to see that someone finally responded with what seemed obvious to me.
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    Jun 05, 2016 7:37 PM GMT
    I'm all for being open, honest and up front about one's sexuality if it can conceivably be relevant. To me, it'd been relevant on an overnight camping trip where you may have shared a tent. I'm not sure if sexuality is relevant on a backroads biking trip, be it on a Harley or a Vespa scooter. Though I see your point. You don't want someone with PSTD going off on you, much less in some remote location. So I think in this instance your decision was sound, but his reaction not entirely unexpected. I think a lot of people are okay with gays IF they're discreet about it. I hear that's how it works in the Middle East, but it's surprising that that's how it may still work in the good 'ol U.S.A.
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 280

    Jun 05, 2016 8:25 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    kzen64 saidThe fact that you brought it up may have indicated to him that you were thinking something sexual was up, or possibly going to be up. Why bring it up unless you were expecting sex, could be his thought process.

    I'm glad to see that someone finally responded with what seemed obvious to me.


    He said "I am gay" not "I think you're hot and I want to fuck you". Though a lot of people with a lack of awareness towards homosexuals do seem to interpret it that way.
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    Jun 05, 2016 11:02 PM GMT
    Good on you--I would have taken the same approach. The reality is that some straight or straight-identified people still have a problem being "buddies" with gay men. Better to disclose than to be sorry later. BTW, in my humble opinion disclosing doesn't mean you're interested in having sex with the guy.
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    Jun 06, 2016 2:01 AM GMT
    His boyfriend didn't "sign up" for his particular type of shit and dumped him in the middle of the sand box...he's over all men.
  • Eleven

    Posts: 159

    Jun 06, 2016 6:33 AM GMT
    Why did you feel the need to tell him your sexuality? Were you expecting that you guys would end up fucking at the end of the trip? Its just very confusing for str8 men if you say that to them as a disclaimer prior to hanging out with them because it indicates that there may be bum jacking involved in which case raises a red flag. I'm gay and depending on who I hang with my gender changes, its never been an issue in my adult life because I don't give guys the impression that I'm going to molest them, its usually they who put it on me "in a joking way of course" because I'm reserved about my sexuality but open about my gender and they appreciate me for being me, me being defined by everything BUT my sexuality.
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    Jun 06, 2016 12:00 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidGood on you--I would have taken the same approach. The reality is that some straight or straight-identified people still have a problem being "buddies" with gay men. Better to disclose than to be sorry later. BTW, in my humble opinion disclosing doesn't mean you're interested in having sex with the guy.


    I didn't think or say that he was interested in sex, just that it could be perceived that way.

    All my life, I've never had anyone tell me they were gay, it was either obvious they were, or didn't matter to whatever was going on.

    Just my opinion.