Everyone has weekend plans it seems except me:

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2016 9:57 PM GMT
    This is just a reflective kinda question. I'm just feeling real annoyed right now. I've talked to several people, but non i know too well because I've only just recently met. Everybody has dinners and plans with friends and birthday parties. Of course, I haven't been invited to any of them.

    This is just depressing. It's partly in part because I moved to a new town and only know a couple people, and it's a small gay community within a large city so it's too small to really have a lot of options and too big to really know what everyone is doing. I was here Memorial Day weekend and not a single plan happened.

    What do you do when you find yourself in this Kinda predicament every weekend? I thought i had a couple friends, but the problem with moving to a New city is guys try to date or hookup with you first, before you really know your way around. Then when either party feels differently, they just part ways. The other problem is you get the initial interest Of new guys, til you find out what they're about. but now I'm on my 6th month here and it's gotten to the very pits of misery not ever having any consistent plans with anyone.
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    Jun 04, 2016 11:26 PM GMT
    I'm sorry you feel like this; we all know how depressing loneliness can be. Sounds obvious, but do you do anything outside of work? Activities like yoga etc. can be great ways to meet people regularly and establish relationships.
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    Jun 05, 2016 12:34 AM GMT
    Let's say I want to come over a friend's place. Can I do it? Very difficult because in my town most guys who have large enough apartments to receive guests either live very far from public transportation or want to get in my pants.

    Let's say I want to go out with friends. Will they invite me? If I do the passive approach and just wait, I might end up waiting a lot given that they know I hardly ever agree with where they choose to go, what to eat (oh no, not poutine please...) But if I take the active approach and ask Monday what are their plans for Saturday I might just participate and that's all it takes.

    In Brazil people can be really pushy to be your friend (which is really annoying if the interest is unrequited) but in USA and Canada you have to do the push yourself.

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    Jun 05, 2016 12:41 AM GMT
    Well I have a membership at a small gym here in town, but it's anytime fitness. Other than that, I'll admit I don't.

    I'm def. wanting to find things to do, but with these apps...these guys talk about meeting, but it don't be anything really creative. So just trying to get some ideas.

    I don't even bother going the bars out here solo like I used to in other cities because they're so White and cliquey. Nothing wrong with white, but adding cliquey to it is the issue. It's the same bars on 1 side of the street that everyone goes to. But in the past, bars is where I met most of my friends.

    I went back to where I used to live last month and there was so many people I knew. I don't wish to move back, but it's just like damn...in a new city you have to start all from scratch.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Jun 05, 2016 8:08 AM GMT
    Yup. In a new city, you'll have to start from the scratch. This is how it goes.

    Consider the fact that friendships do change once you leave your HS/college environment. Friendships start needing additional content to your usual, until-then, 'hanging out together.'

    You have already noticed that some people really want to jump your bones. The others may want to share some interests with you. And some may or may not be just common leeches...

    Develop interests that you can offer as friendship content, and try to connect with the like-minded folks. As bachian pointed out, if you sit at home, waiting for an invite to come... you may be waiting for a very long time.

    SC
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    Jun 05, 2016 10:41 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYup. In a new city, you'll have to start from the scratch. This is how it goes.

    Consider the fact that friendships do change once you leave your HS/college environment. Friendships start needing additional content to your usual, until-then, 'hanging out together.'


    This, definitely. Try to look at this experience as a challenge; you will need to push! But the payoff could be great because you'll be actively participating in the friendship from the start, as opposed to allowing passive ones to be formed (which is how most of us make our first 'true' friends).

    I'd say try a beginner's class in something you've been interested in before. Even if you don't make friends there over time, you can try another and you'll have had some fun with it!
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    Jun 05, 2016 12:28 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 said
    ...in the past, bars [are] where I met most of my friends.

    I went back to where I used to live last month and there was so many people I knew. I don't wish to move back, but it's just like damn...in a new city you have to start all from scratch.

    Well, then it seems like that would be a solution: doing what you know and what has worked for you in the past. The same approach has certainly worked for me before. Reminds me of one of those beach blanket movies from decades ago, "Where the Boys Are". (About Spring break right here in Fort Lauderdale, as it happens)

    Well, you wanna go where the gay "boys" are. You mention your local bars being White and cliquey, and your gay community being small. But is your perception correct? Atlanta is a very large city; there's GOTTA be a good number of gays, even if it's Georgia and many won't be publicly out. And doesn't Atlanta have a large Black population?

    Maybe you're not visiting the right places. Have you done Internet searches? Does Atlanta have any gay magazines, that would advertise these places, and things to do? You gotta go "where the boys are". It does no good to spend your Spring break in Wabash, Indiana. And if Atlanta has turned out to be your Wabash, maybe another move should be considered, if you can.
  • Dreamboi300

    Posts: 7

    Jun 05, 2016 2:05 PM GMT
    You will be ok bro if you don't go to the gym then sigh up for it you can meet people and get a good work out
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    Jun 05, 2016 2:16 PM GMT
    When I moved to New York, I knew a few people but not many, and often found myself alone. Luckily I don't mind doing things by myself, so I could keep myself occupied. I used to travel a lot for work and at first would sit in the hotel with nothing to do because I felt self-conscious. I eventually started exploring the places I visited by myself, and learned to enjoy it. That helped me get through the initial period of adjustment in NY...and there were definitely times I felt very lonely and wondered why I had moved. It takes a while to build up a group of friends you can count on, but be patient. Another benefit to having more free time for me was that it allowed me more time to work on myself and overcome some things.

    Another thing you can do is volunteer. I used to work for non-profit organizations, and we always desperately needed volunteers. It gives you something to do with interesting people, and it also makes you feel good about yourself.
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    Jun 05, 2016 4:17 PM GMT
    PhoenixNYC said
    Another thing you can do is volunteer. I used to work for non-profit organizations, and we always desperately needed volunteers. It gives you something to do with interesting people, and it also makes you feel good about yourself.

    Good suggestion. I did that myself within 2 months of moving to South Florida. Became a volunteer receptionist and phone operator at the Gay & Lesbian Community Center (GLCC, now renamed the Pride Center at Equality Park), and did other work. Gave me a quick education on the community (we had over a dozen reference binders at my desk) and I got to meet tons of key people, learned who did what and how things worked around here. Quite a few of these people are still friends.

    Later at a ceremony I was presented with a certificate as "Volunteer of the Year" which further established me. I was also volunteering with another organization, the largest HIV/AIDS non-profit agency in Broward County, and I believe the largest in the State. And also working with the SMART Ride, a charity bike ride to raise money for HIV/AIDS causes. By year's end I was a community regular and was being invited to one function after another, both official and private.

    Sounds selfish, and in one respect you could say it was. But I also earned it by working hard, and helping fellow gays & lesbians, especially those with HIV/AIDS. If I'm gonna live someplace I'm gonna jump right in with both feet. Not wait for someone to come knocking at my door, because that seldom happens. And it really can make you feel better about yourself than only haunting the gay clubs, although I do like that scene, too.
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    Jun 07, 2016 7:31 PM GMT
    Oops, forgot to mention: I don't live in Atlanta and I'm not referring to Atlanta. I forgot to change that. I just put that because it's the closest gay Mecca to where I am.

    I'm just north of there in Nashville. The ONLY way I've met friends in the past was thru bars, and then from there, that one friend knew someone who knew someone, and I met pretty much all my friends in Denver from 1 Adam who gave birth to the multitudes. I then another guy off adam4adam who I also became friends with, and we had mutually exclusive friends for couple of years.

    Truth be told. I just find I never find it easy to maintain friends outside of bars and online. There's been many times I've gone to meetup.com events and the "meet your husband in the veggie isle". I've been at gyms for years. I even approached a guy and got his number in the middle of the floor. But we didn't become friends and other than texting each other, never even met him again.

    Even in gay settings outside of bars, someone will talk to me, exchange numbers....maybe as a "pat on the back" from his friends for talking to me, but it rarely goes far. I almost feel like unless working side by side with people everyday and in their life all the time thru work (which, even when I used to work regular jobs, never found any gay friends that way, only straights) or some sort of network like gay kickball/football (I think those events are great, but I'm not really into that kinda stuff where I could twist an ankle, lose a tooth, or skin a knee because an injury could cost me a week or 2 of work and put me in a bad situation). I've been in 4-5 car accidents in my lifetime, but my worst major injuries were from playing soccer and football in school, and riding bikes. So, I'm just not into all that anymore.

    So yeah, it's just the options don't really offer many alternatives. I feel people these days are actually scared to meet new people and actually turn it in to something substantial. Especially gay people. They're okay with NSA and anonymous play, but they are AFRAID to bring someone into their lives. And I'm so tired of people I meet acting this way. ESPECIALLY the White guys who love Black men. 80% of the non-Black men I meet never include me in their plans. They'll even specifically say they only want NSA. Latins tend to be more forthcoming with introducing, whereas Black folks usually do, but if they don't...they tend to be as bad as the White guys because they either be DL and partially out, or they afraid if they bring you around their friends, you're gonna steal the show.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2016 12:08 PM GMT
    theanticock saidtheantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti


    Is there something I'm not seeing here? It's just a blank response...am I missing the point?
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    Jun 08, 2016 6:25 PM GMT
    I struggle with same issue. I have changed 3 cities in last 5 years, across three different countries with languages I had no clue about, which made it worse.
    It's hard to make new friendships, especially with gay guys. So I mostly hang out with straight people. Even then I have had weekends where I had no plans.
    I do go to many meetups, mostly about hiking, short trips, and some local concert. It's fun, but no good friendship or connection comes out of it.
    I stopped going to bars here because I hate smoking, and majority of people in bars smoke here.
    A friend of mine told me that you need to whore around, if you do want to have gay friends. That's how it usually works.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Jun 08, 2016 7:01 PM GMT
    I think it's is an age related issue. When you are young it is easier to make friends. People are transitioning into work from study so they need a whole new circle of friends. When you get to a certain age most people are settled. Either coupled with kids or set in their ways and busy with work/life so it probably is harder to meet new people.
    When you are older I think you need to be more patient and proactive.
    I'm in London and a few friends have moved country or have had kids, gotten married etc, so my social circle is reducing somewhat. I have weekends where I'm and alone and bored also.
    I've consciously been investing in new friendships and it works if you play the long game. I'm not so attached to these new friendships being gay or straight. I just want good friendships.

    A friend of mine introduced me to a couple who have just moved to London from the US. They are being very pro-active in their networking and are meeting new people. Going to all the events. I think you just need to make a big effort and also have patience. Invite people to do things you enjoy doing host a dinner party, go hiking or do something where you get to spend a lot of time to get to know new people.
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    Jun 09, 2016 12:43 AM GMT
    Why am I not surprised?
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    Jun 09, 2016 12:46 AM GMT
    __morphic__ said...
    A friend of mine told me that you need to whore around, if you do want to have gay friends. That's how it usually works.


    Rumor here on RJ is the OP is a rent boy. Evidently if you want friends you're not supposed to charge them. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3515

    Jun 11, 2016 1:43 AM GMT
    dont they have slowpitch baseball there? worst injury you get there is spilling your beer