Bumping into ex-Friends in public where you're not on good terms...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 04, 2016 11:35 PM GMT
    I'm curious what you all do in situations where you are no longer on speaking terms with friends. I have a former friend (platonic) where I ended the friendship two years ago because I felt like he and I had incompatible notions of friendship. Without going through the details, the way he handled it confirmed that I made the right decision for me. I did let him know that if he ever wanted to truly talk about it or if I misunderstood things that I'd be willing to talk about it in the future. But he's one of those "radio silent introvert" types and he never bothered to do anything to try to fix things. The guy even told me several times that I was a great friend and I helped him through a very difficult time in his life. But it wasn't enough to motivate him to even communicate about my concerns.

    Its cool and I've not communicated with him since (2 years). I have moved on to make some great friends since then but because Austin is a small town, I do see him on occasion. And when I do, it just reminds me that there are people out there who don't care about you. And this pisses me off. So far, we've just seen each other from afar in passing. But its just a matter of time before we're face to face. The LAST thing I want to do is say hello to the dude because I am not a fake person. To me he is someone that I used to know. And I'd rather just walk by him. Open to your thoughts, criticisms just be respectful please. Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 12:50 AM GMT
    How is just saying hello being fake? "Hello! I think your the most fantastic human being on the planet" would be fake. A simple hello is just a social thing we do. It's like saying "How are you?" We really aren't interested in hearing a blow- by-blow of someone's recent colonoscopy. It's just a social pleasantry.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 1:04 AM GMT
    Seems like the guy is still living rent free in your head and even though you ended the friendship, you're not over the treatment you received at his hands. How about writing him a letter, putting your thoughts and feelings onto paper can help you make sense of them and maybe move on. Don't send that letter, btw.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 1:19 AM GMT
    Not4u saidBowie just saying hello being fake? "Hello! I think your the most fantastic human being on the planet" would be fake. A simple hello is just a social thing we do. It's like saying "How are you?" We really aren't interested in hearing a blow- by-blow of someone's recent colonoscopy. It's just a social pleasantry.



    ∆ This. A simple "hello" or even a nod of the head is enough to break the awkward tension. Otherwise, just look right past him and pretend he's not even there. Both work.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 5:05 AM GMT
    Act like his mother never passed him through her cooch. I've realized that some people come into our lives but only for a short time. Wish him well and move.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 5:30 AM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 5:40 AM GMT
    woodfordr said... The guy even told me several times that I was a great friend and I helped him through a very difficult time in his life...
    that is a generous compliment.
  • Allen

    Posts: 341

    Jun 05, 2016 5:58 AM GMT
    Not4u saidHow is just saying hello being fake? "Hello! I think your the most fantastic human being on the planet" would be fake. A simple hello is just a social thing we do. It's like saying "How are you?" We really aren't interested in hearing a blow- by-blow of someone's recent colonoscopy. It's just a social pleasantry.


    I can't believe this fool has just said something I actually agree with. Oh well. It is what it is I guess.

    Saying "hello" is just a simple acknowledgement of his presence, nothing more. And it doesn't obligate you to do anything more. And when you do say "hello," do it politely and without attitude. It's a classier and more mature way to handle it. And if he gives you any attitude in response, simply ignore it and say nothing more. It's his issue at that point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 7:29 AM GMT
    Allen said
    Not4u saidHow is just saying hello being fake? "Hello! I think your the most fantastic human being on the planet" would be fake. A simple hello is just a social thing we do. It's like saying "How are you?" We really aren't interested in hearing a blow- by-blow of someone's recent colonoscopy. It's just a social pleasantry.


    I can't believe this fool has just said something I actually agree with. Oh well. It is what it is I guess.

    Saying "hello" is just a simple acknowledgement of his presence, nothing more. And it doesn't obligate you to do anything more. And when you do say "hello," do it politely and without attitude. It's a classier and more mature way to handle it. And if he gives you any attitude in response, simply ignore it and say nothing more. It's his issue at that point.


    You love following me around. Don'tcha? Any closer and your nose would be up my ass but you'd like that now wouldn't you good puppy?
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Jun 05, 2016 1:42 PM GMT
    If you're truly done with it, just be done. "Someone I used to know" -period. The drama of it all is optional, but never necessary. Is it really worth your peace? Let it go.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 306

    Jun 05, 2016 3:15 PM GMT
    [quote][cite
    Saying "hello" is just a simple acknowledgement of his presence, nothing more. And it doesn't obligate you to do anything more. And when you do say "hello," do it politely and without attitude. It's a classier and more mature way to handle it. And if he gives you any attitude in response, simply ignore it and say nothing more. It's his issue at that point.

    I agree with several of the posts. You are still holding a grudge. The only problem with a grudge is it is like an old proverb: "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." He obviously hurt you. But consider that you were kind, fair and generous to him, and he is....immature. Nothing more, nothing less. Just immature. Not an asshole, not a demon. He's human and he sounds emotionally shut down - which no amount of explanation - even on his part - will change. It will be many years before he blossoms into an emotional adult. Meanwhile, you're still having feeling about it. I understand: That happened to me once in my own life, but thankfully, it passed.
    As far as face to face? I echo what the other poster said: "Hello," delivered in a neutral tone, the same as if you were passing someone in the hall at work, says, "I acknowledge you exist," but no response is required of a co-worker you may not particularly care for. It's just civility. It's the same if you merely say his name and nothing else. It's just politeness, but more than that, it does not accelerate any anger, or pain in you (and, although you might feel a slight sting, it's less explosive than calling up anger inside you). You're not lowering your defenses, just being civil. Bathing in anger as you pass him just keeps the past alive. And name calling does the same. Reduce him to simply one of 6 billion human beings who share the planet with you - which is all he is, once you have gotten past the hurt that is so obviously still there (and there's nothing wrong with that, if you treated him well, and he was mean to you in some way). People who hold on to anger years after the event are only hurting themselves (and teaching themselves to seethe over the past, not seek release as they move into the future. And SEETHING is painful).
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 306

    Jun 05, 2016 3:20 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidSeems like the guy is still living rent free in your head and even though you ended the friendship, you're not over the treatment you received at his hands. How about writing him a letter, putting your thoughts and feelings onto paper can help you make sense of them and maybe move on. Don't send that letter, btw.



    Agreed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 3:30 PM GMT
    We all have people we don't care for , because of something which has happened in the past ...
    When it happens for me to meet one , i always nicely greet them , i leave my anger and resentment home ...no need to show bitterness while around friends or family .
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Jun 05, 2016 3:41 PM GMT
    First and foremost, you want to teach yourself how to let go. This is one the most essential survival skills these days.

    Your friendship ended the way it did. You have drawn your conclusions, have learnt your lessons, AND have learnt how to move on.

    Part quickly with the the notion of gratitude as in 'you have helped him through difficult times', behind you. Gratitude is never to be expected. The moment you start rightly(!) feeling that the dude should have some decency here, you are admitting to yourself that you had concluded a business deal. You have helped him and are now expecting some gratitude. It helps to ban the word from your vocabulary. Life gets better and easier, too.

    You want to remain civil. Even a 'hi', 'hello', a slightly raised hand as if waving him goodbye would do. It really does not mean much to anyone anyway.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 3:42 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidSeems like the guy is still living rent free in your head...

    +
    24hourguy saidIf you're truly done with it, just be done. "Someone I used to know" -period. The drama of it all is optional, but never necessary. Is it really worth your peace? Let it go.

    =
    Some of us attach more than others to the people in our lives. That doesn't mean we necessarily suffocate others though that can happen if you don't watch yourself, become insecure, obsessed, etc., but also you can attach to someone while allowing them--without intruding upon them--all the personal space in the world. So it isn't necessarily a fair assessment to judge someone as "dramatic" or as non "rent-free" just because they are not easy to throw another person away.

    Fact is that our thoughts are physical neurological connections of the brain. So when friends betray, not only do they inflict physical damage to us, but that damage depends on our wiring. If someone tends to attach a lot of emotion to a thought, they're going to be damaged more than someone with, say, an underdeveloped sense of empathy, for instance.

    So it might be less that you're letting someone live rent free and more that your roommate pushed you off a higher balcony with a better view but harder fall.

    It's lovely that some people can detach easier than others and "move on" with their lives without the burden of a past that won't let go, but also that can be somewhat or absolutely sociopathic, for how do you know you're not just faking or mimicking an attachment if you detach so easily.

    Perhaps there's some balance we all can either aim for or judge ourselves against. But probably the fulcrum doesn't stay still for long enough to calibrate, which helps to keep life so interesting.

    Also drama free doesn't sell advertising. So there!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 05, 2016 4:40 PM GMT
    You don't need to be friendly or fake about it. Just give a neutral 'hello' or 'hey'. No need for a conversation. Just move on.

    Like the others have said, drama only happens if you let it or want it to.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 05, 2016 6:25 PM GMT
    I can only think of three or four people I've known as an adult that angered me to the extent that I've not gotten over it. If I were to see one of them in a public place, I probably would either ignore them or take a swing at their ugly faces. Or shoot them. Yes, I've moved on and their actions are not impacting my life in any way but that doesn't mean I have to waste one more second of my life dealing with them in any way. I see no problem with that or that anger still rises when you see the guy. Just don't let it impact your life. And don't let the number of people you feel this way about get up to a very large number-- that might suggest there's something unhealthy going on with you.
  • carew28

    Posts: 662

    Jun 05, 2016 7:18 PM GMT
    There's a supervisor at my previous workplace whom I've known for almost 30 years. When we worked together, we never got along or liked each other. We were never close friends, but we interacted regularly. The feeling was mutual. We were cordial & polite to each other, though. I got laid-off after 22 years of employment, along with many other long-term employees, almost 10 years ago. This was due to "budget reductions". This supervisor, who'd supported the lay-offs, got a promotion & quite a substantial raise. I found another job, and continued on with my life. For many years, though, I felt extremely bitter towards this guy. When we'd run into each other occasionally around town, I always ignored him, and ostentatiously avoided being near him. A couple of times he said "hello". I gave him a dirty look, and passed on by without saying anything.

    Time mellows everything though, and it's been 10 years since I got laid-off. I still run into him at public events maybe about once every 3 years or so. The last couple of times, if he said "hello" first, then I nod in acknowledgement & give him a tight little smile. Or if I see him first, I say "hello. how are you ?" in a cordial, but not especially friendly tone of voice. He's replied the same way. We both kept walking, neither one of us stopped to chat. Is this being fake ? I don't think so. After all, he was part of my life for 20 years, and I do have many good memories of that part of my life. He wasn't a good part of it, but you have to accept the bad with the good. I actually feel better acknowledging him now, rather than ignoring him. When I ignored & avoided him, it was as if I'd been defeated and overcome by the circumstances of the situation. When I say hello him, I feel as though I'm the master of my destiny, and I can choose to acknowledge him.

    One thing, though. I never say "hi, how's it going ?" , which is how I greet friends I haven't seen in a while . That sounds too friendly. I only say "hello, how are you ?", which is pretty neutral.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2016 3:58 PM GMT
    Great advice fellas. Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2016 3:31 AM GMT
    He may feel really bad about it and WANT to talk but since he's the "radio silent introvert" just lacks the skills or thinks it's too late, doesn't know what to say, etc.

    But since you said you were over him, you can either ignore him or do the little acknowledgement smile/nod/whatever. The latter could turn into a conversation though and it doesn't sound like you want that.
  • Dreamboi300

    Posts: 7

    Jun 10, 2016 3:46 AM GMT
    Just smile and keep it moving