Dating someone - am I too impatient for something more serious?

  • FitBits

    Posts: 4

    Jun 05, 2016 11:05 PM GMT
    Disclosure about me: I recognize up front that sometimes, when I start seeing someone I like, perhaps I can get emotionally invested sooner than I should. I tend to only date one person at a time, and in a situation like this I get "committed" before there's any official commitment, which I'm sure only heightens my emotional investment in the person I'm seeing.

    I met someone 11 weeks ago, we hit it off immediately and have been seeing each other since. When we're together, he says all the right things to make me believe that he's really in to me, and will say things that make it clear that he has put thought into the possibility of this growing into a long term relationship. But he has also made it clear that he wants to take it slow. The problem for me is: this doesn't feel like a "normal" dating progression, at least not from what I've experienced in the past: normally you go on dates of different types of activity, sometimes dinner, sometimes day-dates, you eventually meet each others friends and go out in groups or to parties, etc., gradually getting to know each other in various settings. My dates with this guy are pretty much dinner and a sleep-over, or a sleep-over and breakfast, or just a sleep-over. I've made it clear to him that I'm relationship oriented, and I'm NOT looking for a fuck-buddy. He swears that's not the situation. In his defense, he travels a LOT for work, so many of these encounters are simply all that can be squeezed in. But he does also manage to squeeze in time to go out with his friends, which brings up my second issue: there have been times when I've been out with my friends, and he out with his friends, and we run in to each other and it's clear he doesn't want to interact at that time. He doesn't try to introduce me to his friends, or hang around to meet mine. He stays in one area of the bar with his friends, away from me and mine. I'm not trying to steal away his time with his friends, but at the same time it seems to me that while we're both there at the same place, it's the perfect opportunity to get some of of that variety of interaction in the dating process that I feel like we're missing. There's also somewhat of a third issue: despite his very busy schedule, he manages to squeeze in a lot of bar time, which makes me question whether or not he simply enjoys the single scene way too much to get into a relationship.

    I'm having a difficult time discerning whether or not I'm being overly sensitive because I can get emotionally involved too quickly, or if I'm being "played". I understand that 11 weeks is still not a lot of time, but the lack of progression concerns me. I mentioned these concerns to him a few weeks ago, and he seemed to understand, but underscored the fact that he wants to take it slow. At this point, I feel like I need to do one of two things: not push the issue with him any further than I have already, and just try to emotionally disengage myself enough from this relationship so that I can try to date some other people, and see if this guy (who I really do like) comes around when given enough time and space. But this simply goes against my inherent monogamous nature. I don't know if I have it in me to continue seeing him while seeing other people. My emotions tend to force me to choose one or the other. The other option is to simply cut it off with him completely, and then move on. I hate to give up because we have great chemestry and this could be something really good... or is that just wishful thinking?

    Or, am I just being way too sensitive and impatient, and should just let things ride for now?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Jun 06, 2016 6:13 AM GMT
    People may blame you for many things. But no one will ever blame you for the lack of clear perception.

    The true answer is that no one can see into the head of your current BF, and hence, no one really knows. The only thing anyone can do here is to speculate in a more or less educated manner.

    It is very true that there are guys out there, who for a very good reason want to take it slowly. Rushing into an LTR might have hurt them in the past, and they have learnt their lesson for whatever it may be worth.

    It is equally true that there are guys who are prone to investing too much of themselves into a budding LTR, too. You have had no problem admitting this.

    What you may want to do here is to talk in substantial terms on agreeing how slow is slow. The fact that he does not want to introduce you to his friends in the bar is not alarming in itself. But the idea of an open end process in which he arbitrarily controls all the dynamics IS scary. This may not be where you want to go.

    Consider saying, that you have now been dating for 3 or soon 4 months. You do not want to push anything but you would want to know if he plans any social interaction in the near future or not. If he needs 1 or 2 or even 3 more months you may or may not want to consider this. If he does not want to get into any specifics, you will certainly want to consider your position here and look into other available options.

    SC
  • Eleven

    Posts: 149

    Jun 06, 2016 6:51 AM GMT
    There is a very good reason why we take relationships slowly, its a time period where everything is easy breezy having fun, enjoying each others company without unloading heavy emotional demands that relationships bring, we need to find out if partners are good long term investments "sounds bad but its smart".....If he doesnt introduce you to his friends perhaps he is not ready for his circle to meet a new potential boyfriend or he is not ready to meet yours, especially if you guys hang at the same bars its a good idea because if it doesn't work out it could get awkward......Do not be alarmed by lack of progression, the best relationships are when you're friends with someone and the bond grows stronger over years.....if you throw everything in the basket from the get go, in your case 3 months its just too much to take on....If you find yourself caught up in your oen emotions or insecurities then do something to distract yourself, get a job, work out, there are plenty of things you can do to better yourself in the mean time so you look more like a potential candidate in this persons life, and yes that even includes dating, its not cheating because you're not married to this guy, it also shows that you're capable of enjoying yourself and other peoples company when he's not around.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 800

    Jun 06, 2016 9:26 PM GMT
    "Disclosure about me: I recognize up front that sometimes, when I start seeing someone I like, perhaps I can get emotionally invested sooner than I should. I tend to only date one person at a time, and in a situation like this I get "committed" before there's any official commitment, which I'm sure only heightens my emotional investment in the person I'm seeing."

    Do you make a point of telling all fellows you date, especially those you are feeling the especial harmony with, of this tendency?
  • FitBits

    Posts: 4

    Jun 07, 2016 12:36 AM GMT

    Thanks everyone for all the advice!

    FitBlackCuddler saidDo you make a point of telling all fellows you date, especially those you are feeling the especial harmony with, of this tendency?

    No, not in those terms. But I figured if I'm going to ask you guys to psycho-analyze both me and the guy I've been seeing, I may as well give you a head start. icon_wink.gif More specifically, when we first started seeing each other, he told me he was a bit afraid of getting involved with me, because I'm recently out of an 8yr relationship, and he thought I might need some time to be single. I explained to him that I've been single plenty of times before: I know what it's like to be single and I know what it's like to be in a relationship. I was very clear that I'm relationship oriented. But I didn't add in "oh, by the way, I might get emotionally attached to you soon!". And that's not really always the case with me, but I do definitely seem to lack the ability to date multiple people at one time (again, not something I disclosed, just an observation of myself vs. many other guys). It's much easier for me to focus on one person and see where that goes before moving on, at least once sex comes into the picture. Sex is an emotional thing for me (and I HAVE told him that). My mind simply wants to direct it to just one person that I have a connection with.

    But it seems at this point his concerns about me needing to be single may have been his own issues redirected at me. Recently through casual conversation the topic of Grindr came up. I shared that I've never had a Grindr/Scruff/etc. account, and he shared that he has. So of course, now that I'm questioning whether or not we are just too different in terms of commitment level, I'm wondering if he still actively uses it. I know this is a bit pitiful, but tonight I just had to load it up and see. He's on one of his business trips, so I installed Grindr, checked the city he's in, and damned if his wasn't the FIRST photo in the list. I fully understand that he has every right to do what he wants, we have no commitment. But I can't help but question: is he really a good choice for me? I already mentioned that he goes to bars very frequently, he apparently supplements with Grindr, at least when he's out of town (which is at least as often as he is home). I swear I'm not a prude, it just seems to me that after a few months of dating, if he were really interested in me, the desire to be constantly "looking" would subside.

    Are my views really that different from the vast majority of guys?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2016 4:06 AM GMT
    Hate to say it but it sound like this guy wants to continue to play the field . The online dating, bar crawling and hookup sites/life can be exhausting to some of us. Other men thrive on it (addicted?) and often times don't know when to drop out or know of any other way to live. I do feel it's odd he didn't introduce you to his buds and allow you the opportunity to do the same. If you can put up w/a bit more of this stick it out and see what if anything evolves(?). You're not getting all the time and attention you want but it doesn't sound so bad when you're together either. It is down time you could be exclusively dating someone else though since you're not interested in dating the field as you have said.

    For the record several fellas I know and myself as well have a history of going all in early on in a relationship. Sometimes and that can drive a prospective BF away quickly. This guy keeps coming back at least so you're doing something right..

    Best of luck bud. Kev
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2016 10:24 PM GMT
    This will solve your dilemma. First, know yourself and what you want. Next, be brutally honest with yourself about what his behavior is telling you about him ... you don't need to try to psychoanalyze him or change him ... instead just watch over time to see what he is telling you about himself by his actions, even if the message is ultimately disappointing. When you have gathered enough information decide whether he fits what you want and can live with or, if not, whether you're willing and able to change your desires/needs. Finally, act on your decision. Note that this will not work if you try to manipulate him into behaving or being someone he is not, since any change would be only temporary and then you'll be in a worse position than if you had just remained single.
  • FitBits

    Posts: 4

    Jun 22, 2016 2:28 AM GMT
    swimmersf said... just watch over time to see what he is telling you about himself by his actions, even if the message is ultimately disappointing. When you have gathered enough information decide whether he fits what you want and can live with or, if not, whether you're willing and able to change your desires/needs. Finally, act on your decision.

    Thanks for your message. I just saw it, but ultimately, that's exactly what I did. Actually, I watched his grindr activity. He's on there CONSTANTLY. All the times he complained about being tired because he didn't get enough sleep on his business trips? It's because he was on grindr until 4am when he had to be up for a meeting @6. He was also on it constantly when home. I decided if he still needed to be "looking" constantly after dating for 3 months, he wasn't interested in anything serious, so I ended it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2016 2:14 PM GMT
    I think you're just a fb for him. Sounds like he's playing you. Move on.