20 years old autistic male. my life. and what has happened and what's going on.

  • joeisawesome1

    Posts: 719

    Jun 06, 2016 8:43 AM GMT
    this is going to be a really long post/anecdote, but before i type anything else, i just want to tell everyone, please do not judge me for any of this at all or criticize me for anything, because that's honestly that LAST thing i need to hear and the only thing it'll do is make me mad. To be honest, im not really looking for any advice at all. I'm just typing all of this to vent and to let everyone know what's going on whether anyone gives a toss or not.

    I WILL SAY THIS: a lot of this is going to be very gloomy BUT do not worry about me. Things are going much better for me now, compared to when all of this was going on. i guess...

    im a 20 year old male right now and i have type 1 diabetes, and a mild forum of autism which effects my mind. I also live with my adoptive parents. back in october of 2013 i got my first job working retail at a clothing store at the mall. i didn't like it at all though. it was stressful, the customers were rude and mean, the hours and shifts were way too long, my bosses and managers were really demanding and always kept telling me to try to convince the customers to buy as much stuff as possible and the holiday seasons were the worst. I HATED IT WITH A PASSION. i wanted to quit, but my mom kept getting mad at me every time i mentioned quitting and kept telling me that I can't quit. for some strange reason back then i felt like i had to listen to her. she kept talking me into staying. but i hated the job with a passion.

    a bit more background info: every since i was 14 i had depression, kinda, i always wanted to die because i didn't like my life and i thought it was boring and i had no friends in school and a lot of other stuff too. i never exactly was suicidal though, only because i didn't have the guts to hang myself or cut my own throat because i thought it'd be too painful. i did try overdosing many times but it was never successful obviously. RIGHT NOW THOUGH i don't really want to die at all, but i don't care about dying, but i don't have a strong aspiration of wanting to die... not sure if that made sense but im going to get to that soon...

    eventually, in may through august of 2014, i started slicing and cutting my wrist because i hated the job so much and because of a lot of underlying mental issues too (when someone does stuff like that it's never because of one reason). I wanted to be dead because i didn't like life at all. but eventually i stopped cutting my wrist because it wasn't doing any good.

    I graduated highschool in 2014, still working my retail job, and eventually i started college in january 2015 (i took a break in the fall 2014 semester) and i continued working my retail job too until december of 2015. my parents were planning on going on a vacation/road-trip to florida and they were going to take me with. I Really wanted to go too because i love Florida! and i love the palm trees too because i think they're beautiful and symbols of heaven. we were planning on leaving the first week of january. so i requested my days off of work for those days (whenever employees at my job wanted days off they had to request them with a computer scheduling system at the registers we used) BUT later on i found out they were rejected!

    i talked to my boss about it and she said those days were rejected because the store was doing inventory those days and all the workers had to be there, but then i told her that i was going to florida those days and she responded with: "well, i don't know what to tell you" and i was ENRAGED! but don't worry, i didn't freak out out at all. I hated that job with a passion! and i wasn't about to let it stop me from taking a long road trip to florida! so i went into the bathroom and wrote up a 2 week notice that i was going to quit and turned it in on my boss's desk.
    THAT WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! i know 99% of you guys will disagree with me on that but it certainly was to me and always will be!

    my last day of working there was december 24th 2015 and was the happiest day ever! i hated that place and i don't miss it at all! BUT i did not tell my parents that i quit and wasn't going to either. we eventually left to go to florida after new years 2016. on our way to florida, we stayed at a hotel in Louisville Kentucky. here's when things got out of hand...

    my parents and i were staying in one room, with 2 queen beds. my dad snores REALLY loud! and i couldn't sleep at all. i'm also have an app on my phone called 'grindr' and for those of you who don't know, grindr is an app for gay men and it detects guys who are close by you location-wise. My parents know i use that app too. when i entered Louisville Kentucky, i was getting A TON of messages from different guys who wanted to meet up with me.

    So, since dad was snoring so loud and obnoxiously and i couldn't sleep, i was going to leave and spend the night with one of the guys who wanted to meet me on grindr. BUT my mom was angry about that and did not want me to and we both got into an argument. my dad woke up and i got into an argument with both of them, and then they said they wanted to turn around and go home. THIS ENRAGED ME! I wanted to go to Florida!

    I then ended up saying "No way! I quit my job to go on this vacation and I want to go to Florida!".. that's how my mom found out i quit my job and she was enraged. she started yelling me for it, and i cursed her out and called her a 'b**ch' because i was pissed off. she then said that she was going to kick me out and not have me live with her AND I DID NOT CARE! remember, i never cared about dying anyway.

    MORE BACKGROUND INFO: prior to this incident, i would always tell my adoptive parents that i hated my job and that i wanted to quit, but they always would yell at me and tell me not too, and i would always tell them that one day, i'm going to run away, leave all my insulin behind at home, and die.. many of you guys may be wondering "well how would you die just from running away?" BUT you have to remember, i have type 1 diabetes and im taking insulin to stay alive. If i stopped taking my insulin, what would happen is: my blood sugars would go up really high, which would eventually cause me to go into a coma, my blood would become extremely acidic, all my organs would shut down and then i would die that would only take 4-7 days for all of that to happen
    and remember, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT DYING, because I would be leaving nothing behind at all! and no, i don't care about any of my parents or family missing me when i'm dead. i know that sounds selfish but it's true. If I'm not happy with life, there's no reason for me to keep living it!

    So, getting back to what was happening at the hotel room, I told my mom that i was going to run away and die. I left all my insulin behind and i told her quote-on-quote: "that's it! I'm leaving for good and you are never going to see me again! I'm going to run away VERY far away, without my insulin then i'm going to die and be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe."

  • joeisawesome1

    Posts: 719

    Jun 06, 2016 8:47 AM GMT
    sorry this post is really long.. i'm continuing it here:

    More background info: i recently become obsessed with Jane Doe and John Doe cases back in 2015. i think because of my autism i was so fascinated by them, and this may seem weird but at that time i wanted to die and become a John Doe and be found dead far away in a city far from home so no one would know who i was.
    Like this guy:
    and this guy:
    and this guy:
    (^another tip.. i made all of those videos too. they're part of my youtube channel i created for helping identify John Does, but I didn't want myself to ever be identified though)

    my Mom was still mad at me and didn't care and didn't even try to stop me when i walked out of the hotel room and left. I had one guy from grindr give me a ride to the greyhound bus station. It was cold in Louisville that night and since i was going to be outside when i died, i didn't want to die there. I wanted to be some place warm and comfortable for when i die, like Florida. I tried getting a bus ticket to Florida but they were too expensive, and i could only afford to go to Atlanta Georgia. so i got a bus ticket, and boarded the bus to Atlanta.

    after a couple hours, my stomach started churning up and i started feeling sick. I knew i was going to die sooner that i thought, but i was ok with it, but i was still in a bit of pain. it was early morning and we were still on our way to Atlanta but we stopped in a town called Chattanooga Tennessee. i was already on the bus for 11 hours (i left Louisville at midnight) and i already was feeling sick. I recognized the feeling of the keto-acid in my blood (that's what happens when a type 1 diabetic doesn't take any insulin) and i felt like i only had a day or 2 left before i'd be dead.

    MORE BACKGROUND INFO: believe it or not, i actually am spiritual/religious. i do pray to god whenever im feeling like im in a tough situation. BUT i don't think god was mad at me for what i was doing. I always feel that god understands exactly why i wanted to leave earth and exactly why i didn't care about dying and exactly why i didn't want to stay at all, and that if i was going to die, he would send me to a palm tree heaven or make me a ghost (either of those are fine with me) and i was 120% sure i would NEVER GO TO HELL! and still am to this day! and even if i did end up going to hell, I would definitely be able to escape! but that's a whole different story.

    while the bus stopped at Chattanooga, i decided to pray to god and i told him quote on quote: "god, sorry it had to end this way, but i'm pretty sure you understand exactly why i'm having this happen and why i feel like this. Please make my death as painless and fast as possible and please have a nice heaven ready for me, full of palm trees with all the other John Does i read about waiting for me and have all of our spirits be happy forever, OR have me stay on earth as a ghost and let my spirit drift around and explore freely forever."

    RIGHT AFTER I PRAYED TO GOD, my phone blew up with many text messages and many missed calls. my mom then called right away and she sounded very stressed out and worried and she asked me where i was. i told her i was in Chattanooga Tennessee. she then said she was very sorry about everything and told me to stay there because they were coming to pick me up. for some reason, i got really emotional and started crying (i know that's pathetic for a grown man to be crying but it did happen). i got of the bus and waited at the bus station for them. eventually after a few hours, they showed up and picked me up from the bus station, and we continued our road-trip to Florida and had a great trip.

    i could tell that whole situation was draining for them. i was really surprised though. i honestly thought they were going to be ok with me going away and dying since i didn't want to get a job or work at all (I didn't go back to college either, and really do not plan on it at all) but i did get all my student loans paid off.

    when we came back home, we did get into a brief argument about me not wanting to work or get another job. I thought eventually, they were going to kick me out and then i would be back on the streets going to die (I wouldn't have cared if they did either.) but surprisingly they've became extremely lenient about all of that and are fine with me not wanting to work or go back to school.

    Now they're helping me get on SSI, because i do have a mental disability, autism, and diabetes, which can really affect your mind and your mood.. think about it, you're pumping yourself with artificial hormones to stay alive and ur blood sugars are out of control. that puts the whole body under stress and effects the mind! it's even worse if you have to work with ur body under those conditions.

    things are much better for me now, but we are working stuff out. im fine with being on SSI for what's left of my life. I don't demand much stuff anyway. all i want is a computer (which i already have..) and my youtube and internet and i'm fine. i don't really plan on lasting very long anyway.. and i honestly DO NOT want too..

    I know a lot of you guys are going to say: "you need to man up and set goals for yourself!" or "you need some help and therapy!"
    well, i do not want help! i'm fine the way i am in my opinion and that's all that matters! and i was seeing a therapist but he got me pissed off and i ended up cursing him out, so im not seeing him anymore. and im getting psych-evaluations too because i think there's more wrong with my mind besides autism. but either way it doesn't matter to me.

    and as of now, i'm doing a lot better. but i just felt like typing all of this to vent. Feel free to share your thoughts on this but if you have nothing nice to say about me or my situation, then keep it to yourself!
  • joeisawesome1

    Posts: 719

    Jun 06, 2016 2:52 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidAll this talk about dying soon, not having much time, etc, is obviously not a sign of good mental health for a person as young as you. And agree, it could be a result of your autism and diabetes, and not meant by me as a criticism or putdown.

    yeah, you're right. it doesn't bother me at all though. i don't really care about it at all because if i die i'll be leaving nothing behind. I don't fear death at all but i don't exactly have a strong aspiration for wanting to die but i don't care if i do die. meaning i would never work or support myself at all and deal with the struggles of having to survive in life, it is DEFINITELY not worth it! but if things are handed to me and my life is very simple i'll stay alive.

    Art_Deco said
    What it does mean is that the SSI determination needs to be pressed urgently. With Type I you need routine monitoring and obviously an insulin supply. I don't know what your situation is at present in that regard. And perhaps also have some mental evaluation done.

    my adoptive parents get all my insulin for me now.

    Art_Deco said
    I have friends with diabetes that needs constant attention. Others who have HIV, some with AIDS, that likewise are care-intensive. Not oppressive care, but neither can it be neglected at all. I have epilepsy, and require meds twice a day to avoid seizures. It also apparently plays havoc with my short-term memory, I'm always acting befuddled, although my long-term memory is remarkably strong. Hence, I suppose, why I'm often happier to live in memories of the distant past than the things of today.

    But my friends all thrive. And if they're friends of mine then you can assume they're mostly late 50s and 60s. Not early 20s. True, not all had early onset of their diabetes, but some did their HIV. At a time when that was supposed to be a death sentence. Well, it wasn't for them. And diabetes need not be for you. The treatment options for Type I improve all the time.

    i'm not depressed about having type 1 diabetes at all. i really don't care about it to be honest. i'm kinda glad i do actually because it's sort of my "way out" if things don't go well for me. as in, if i can find a place to live at all and i end up homeless i don't have to worry about it for too long because my diabetes will kill me off because i won't have my insulin.

    Art_Deco said
    A few BTWs: a man being 135 pounds at 6'3" is virtually anorexic. And your profile pics seem to confirm that. Eat more! If I could indulge myself and eat my own weight in goodies every day you better believe I would. Get cracking!

    lol, i actually haven't updated my weight in a while. i'm actually 140lbs right now. but i'm definitely not anorexic at all. I eat a lot of candy every day.

    Art_Deco said
    I'd worn a medic alert bracelet for my epilepsy for many years. Not too long ago I decided to get a medic alert tattoo, my only ink, on the underside of my wrist, where first responders will likely check my pulse. I feel more comfortable knowing I have that lifeline. And I'm certainly not embarrassed to "advertise" my condition that was once considered a kind of disgrace. Although placing the tattoo under my wrist isn't too obvious, except to a responder.

    Perhaps you could do similar with your Type I. I'm sure you must wear some sort of ID bracelet or necklace.

    i actually never wear one don't really want to either, not because im ashamed of having diabetes (im definitely not at all) but just because i don't see a point in wearing a ID diabetic bracelet.

    Art_Deco said
    You know, lots of us have these problems, and have learned to not only live with them, but to thrive. You face them head-on, handle them, move on and say: "OK, next problem." And believe me, at my age there's always a next health problem. LOL!

    ummmm is that supposed to make me want to stay alive and live longer?... because to be completely honest, i'd much rather die young than grow old for no reason and have a bunch of health problems... no offense or anything...

    i really do appreciate your reply though but im not sure what your objective was.. i said i didn't need advice or help with anything at all because i really don't. i was just typing this all out to vent.
    again, don't misunderstand what im saying.. i don't mean it in an offensive or rude way at all. im just being honest. i do appreciate your concern and advice though but i just wasn't really looking for it quite. but don't worry about me though icon_smile.gif i'll most likely be fine. i guess.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2016 8:30 PM GMT
    joeisawesome1 said
    i really do appreciate your reply though but im not sure what your objective was.. i said i didn't need advice or help with anything at all because i really don't. i was just typing this all out to vent.
    again, don't misunderstand what im saying.. i don't mean it in an offensive or rude way at all. im just being honest. i do appreciate your concern and advice though but i just wasn't really looking for it quite. but don't worry about me though icon_smile.gif i'll most likely be fine. i guess.

    Fear not, you'll not hear from me again.
  • Nakedman1969

    Posts: 281

    Jun 06, 2016 10:17 PM GMT
    I have type one diabetes and I know what it does to a body. After 24 years of having it I had a kidney/pancreas transplant. I found out that it was causing my kidneys were shutting down and I was close to going on dyilas. But my doctor keep me from that. So please stay on your insulin and keep your blood sugar in check.
  • joeisawesome1

    Posts: 719

    Jun 07, 2016 2:21 AM GMT
    Nakedman1969 saidI have type one diabetes and I know what it does to a body. After 24 years of having it I had a kidney/pancreas transplant. I found out that it was causing my kidneys were shutting down and I was close to going on dyilas. But my doctor keep me from that. So please stay on your insulin and keep your blood sugar in check.

    and if i get insulin handed to me i will, but if i have to earn it, then no. did you not understand from the first 2 post of this thread that i do not care about dying?? no offense or anything but just saying.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2016 6:09 AM GMT
    Your poor parents.
  • joeisawesome1

    Posts: 719

    Jun 14, 2016 4:18 PM GMT
    Not4u saidYour poor parents.

    this isn't about them