Will i ve able to be vulnerable again?

  • KyleKyu

    Posts: 6

    Jun 06, 2016 12:02 PM GMT
    Hi all,

    I think i need some input on an issue i went through over the past weekend.

    Okay. So, ive been dating this guy for a few months now and it isnt my first time around the block with relarionships but, it is a path for me to try new things i didnt with a new guy that i felt i should have done with previous relationships. 1 of those things being that i would be fully open about my feelings and problems with him, i thought somewhere along the line instead of guessing how ur partner is feeling and doing, communicating it would solve a lot of problems well...

    I tried to make a confession to him, even though i thought it was way too fast to be falling in love with this amazing guy and i also felt that it wasnt mutual, he still needed to know. I got down by his side and started speaking "babe, i think i have a problem.." he responded "what?!" And his reaction was so sudden i just reassured him that it wasnt majorly serious. Then i continued by saying "i didnt think i would feel the way i do so soon.." and the most unexpected reaction came about... he just started laughing, low at first but, it got louder and harder.. and he just kept laughing. For about 2 minutes i sat there.. stunned like what rhe actual fuck, then i started to get hurt... he was laughing at my feelings, at me.. at me trying to tell him i was in love with him. I havent felt so fucked up in a long time.. and now i dont know how to handle being open with him..
    After the fact i just tried to talk to him saying how much that hurt and he shrugged it off, even tho he said sorry it just didnt feel like he gave a shit.

    I dont think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with this guy again and the worst part is.. the feelings dont fucking fade
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    Jun 06, 2016 1:35 PM GMT
    i hope you dont contact him again
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 06, 2016 3:44 PM GMT
    Get away from him fast. I've seen guys go into irrational laughter when emotionally overwrought but this doesn't sound like that at all. The guy is not only unfeeling towards you, he's a sadist.
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    Jun 06, 2016 9:10 PM GMT
    Cut off all contact with the asshole. Refuse to see him ever again.
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    Jun 11, 2016 1:05 PM GMT
    I disagree with the above comments.

    It all depends on the context. What was the relationship like up to that point? What was the emotional temperature? How committed was the other guy?

    It's not hard to imagine situations where an ecstatic declaration of impassioned love, coming out of the blue, would seem very odd, if not laughable.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jun 11, 2016 3:07 PM GMT
    You are doing things completely right: telling your partner how you feel during the dating process is like putting up signposts of how your feelings are progressing, which so many guys don't do (fear of rejection being one reason, but also fear of vulnerability, which really doesn't help a relationship blossom. If you're afraid of what you feel, you're not ready for a relationship).

    His laughing at you was way out of line, regardless of whether it was out of fear (which it might have been: nervous laughter disguises other, less obvious emotions, such as dread: being caught off guard and not knowing how to respond) or just that he hadn't developed any depth of feeling for you in the past months. Maybe he's shallow, or emotionally unavailable. Whatever the case, that was the kind of reaction that someone being vulnerable never wants to experience again, and you're with to wonder if you can ever be vulnerable to this guy. However, you might still ask him - if you haven't already done this - what he thought was so funny about laughing when you were in a moment of being completely open about your feelings? Has he been demonstrating along the way that his feeling for you were deepening or has he kept it at that light, superficial level some people do when they can't go any further emotionally? If the latter, he's just not able to develop deeper feeling with you - or maybe not with anyone at all
    People tell me I talk a lot - and they're right - but I also find out, within the first few dates, what a guy's emotional history was like with his parents. That is a very, VERY big tipoff to what you'll be able to expect. Cold mother/cold father: usually the person will also have a rather chilly temperament, because they didn't get emotional or socialization support when they were growing up (and most of that occurs between 0-4 years old! How's that for shaping your life before you even know what emotions are?!). That's why so many people have such bad stories of dating: they don't ask about the growing up experience and what the parents were like. But this is moot for now and it won't be helpful with this guy, but it's good for future reference.

    I'm really sad to read this: it must have hurt like hell. He sounds very damaged , and right now, you need to protect yourself. And don't be talked back into dating him any more (if you are even thinking of doing that) until you've gotten a better idea of his sense of 1) empathy, 2) ability to communicate and 3), being able to truly say "I'm sorry." AND MEAN IT.
    But also, don't base future relationships on the past. He's one individual, so don't bring his inability to feel deeply along into another relationship (as so many people do). It'll just poison the next relationship if you bring the past along, but you sound pretty self-aware.
    So sorry, man.
  • KyleKyu

    Posts: 6

    Jun 19, 2016 2:52 AM GMT
    mcbrion saidYou are doing things completely right: telling your partner how you feel during the dating process is like putting up signposts of how your feelings are progressing, which so many guys don't do (fear of rejection being one reason, but also fear of vulnerability, which really doesn't help a relationship blossom. If you're afraid of what you feel, you're not ready for a relationship).

    His laughing at you was way out of line, regardless of whether it was out of fear (which it might have been: nervous laughter disguises other, less obvious emotions, such as dread: being caught off guard and not knowing how to respond) or just that he hadn't developed any depth of feeling for you in the past months. Maybe he's shallow, or emotionally unavailable. Whatever the case, that was the kind of reaction that someone being vulnerable never wants to experience again, and you're with to wonder if you can ever be vulnerable to this guy. However, you might still ask him - if you haven't already done this - what he thought was so funny about laughing when you were in a moment of being completely open about your feelings? Has he been demonstrating along the way that his feeling for you were deepening or has he kept it at that light, superficial level some people do when they can't go any further emotionally? If the latter, he's just not able to develop deeper feeling with you - or maybe not with anyone at all
    People tell me I talk a lot - and they're right - but I also find out, within the first few dates, what a guy's emotional history was like with his parents. That is a very, VERY big tipoff to what you'll be able to expect. Cold mother/cold father: usually the person will also have a rather chilly temperament, because they didn't get emotional or socialization support when they were growing up (and most of that occurs between 0-4 years old! How's that for shaping your life before you even know what emotions are?!). That's why so many people have such bad stories of dating: they don't ask about the growing up experience and what the parents were like. But this is moot for now and it won't be helpful with this guy, but it's good for future reference.

    I'm really sad to read this: it must have hurt like hell. He sounds very damaged , and right now, you need to protect yourself. And don't be talked back into dating him any more (if you are even thinking of doing that) until you've gotten a better idea of his sense of 1) empathy, 2) ability to communicate and 3), being able to truly say "I'm sorry." AND MEAN IT.
    But also, don't base future relationships on the past. He's one individual, so don't bring his inability to feel deeply along into another relationship (as so many people do). It'll just poison the next relationship if you bring the past along, but you sound pretty self-aware.
    So sorry, man.


    This was the type of insight i was seeking, I appreciate the very detailed and thought-out response.
    I've always been one for using past experiences to change future ones. That is how i ended up trying to express my feelings more openly so i could avoid having either of us have to guess. I think i'll also try not getting so worked up over the blatant asshole responses of laughing and crap and handle the situations better. While that hurt like HELL i also think i could have avoided it if i wasn't being so coy. Some other issues arised with us and it really didn't work out in the end (stuff like being compared to his ex's who were extremely fit and not being able to find some type of attraction to me on his end because i'm not where i want to be physically yet) that could have been the reason i got the original response in the first place.

    You can't be with someone who can't even look at you and smile.