In the closet

  • mnagu

    Posts: 12

    Jun 07, 2016 2:59 AM GMT
    I'm in my early 30s and still in the closet. On top of that I've never even messed around with a guy. It's finally hit me like a train and I feel so stressed and anxious now. I don't feel like I have anyone in my life I can directly talk to about this.. I know this sound ridiculous to almost all of you, but I just had to get this off my chest.
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    Jun 07, 2016 4:31 AM GMT
    The closet is a prison from which you and you alone can release yourself. You're at the same time both prisoner and warden.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Jun 07, 2016 9:56 PM GMT
    find the nearest college, they have a group to talk about coming out. it will help.
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    Jun 07, 2016 10:41 PM GMT
    Not4u saidThe closet is a prison from which you and you alone can release yourself. You're at the same time both prisoner and warden.


    and everyone has one: gay, straight, or bi.

    Since you are in your 30s, you have built a life that revolves around the exclusion of expressing your interest for other males. Slowly begin introducing yourself to this kind of life on an external level and everything will come around. It's not a race, it's about growth, and i'm sure you have had a lot of growth in other areas in your life, it just so happens that you haven't put as much focus on growing this particular part of your life. Many young guys are out and have grown in that department, but are probably lacking elsewhere, like have a career or solid resources, etc. Look at what you have and be grateful for that, and begin taking steps to achieve what it is that you truly desire in life.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Jun 07, 2016 11:18 PM GMT
    not easy as u think..but one step @ a time. U'll get there
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2937

    Jun 07, 2016 11:37 PM GMT
    To23 had some great advice.

    I would imagine that living where you do makes it even harder - but is is SO worth it: the closet is a hell, and coming out is like having a huge load off your back. It takes adjustment, even of your own self image, and how you imagine others are seeing you, and it's a process. But at the end of the process you will be a stronger, wiser, better balanced, happier person - as well as a richer and more honest friend to all the people who know and like/respect you.

    Getting to know other LGBT's and forming a circle of gay friends is a process as well, but one often leads to another. Don't try to rush it, or feel you have to be friends or even boyfriends with anyone who comes along - let it evolve over time. Post here lots - you'll make some friends, maybe even meet some. Google for some gay groups that are into some of the things you're into; that might help. Read some good books on the LGBT experience, you won't feel so alone.

    The very best of luck to you!
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    Jun 08, 2016 2:21 AM GMT
    Good luck to you. I went on vacation in Montana last summer and I know that there are glbt support groups in some areas of the state. You are certainly not alone even it might seem that way to you. Even on apps like Scruff you'd find guys in Montana looking to meet up, and not just for sex (not that there's anything wrong with that). It's never too late to start taking control of your life.
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    Jun 08, 2016 2:24 PM GMT
    the average well adjusted citizen should not care if your gay or straight. They may just care a little if your functional and living well. At a minimum; you should surround your self with these type of people.

    Your sexuality is no ones business till you decide to share it.
  • jeep334

    Posts: 408

    Jun 08, 2016 2:45 PM GMT
    pellaz saidthe average well adjusted citizen should not care if your gay or straight. They may just care a little if your functional and living well. At a minimum; you should surround your self with these type of people.

    Your sexuality is no ones business till you decide to share it.


    Awesome, awesome thoughts from pellaz. It is your life and your decisions. Make the best of it because you're the only one who can.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 08, 2016 5:40 PM GMT
    Ya gotta start changing your status quo. In America in this day, it is cowardly to be closeted unless you're a child reliant on a parent (who's an asshole). You will never develop self-respect until you decide to be a man and stand up for yourself. Seems so much harder than it is. You'll see. The hard part is the first one or two people you tell. From then on it gets so much easier and you will start feeling so much better about the world and yourself. Seriously. Do it.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Jun 08, 2016 7:26 PM GMT
    Right now there are two different men in your life: the one you've been pretending to be, and the one you want to be.

    The first one ain't working. It's time to give the second one a chance.

    The guy you want to be is just like you, but more confident, less afraid, and a hell of a lot happier. You can be that guy. All you need to do is let yourself live the way you already know is right for you. Find someone who can help you - it may be a gay man, a friend, a stranger, maybe even your mother, but I guarantee there's someone close by you right now who can and will help you sort this out and feel much better about yourself.

    It won't be easy at first, but it won't be any harder than going on the way you've been.
  • interestingch...

    Posts: 694

    Jun 10, 2016 12:37 AM GMT
    Being out doesn't necessarily solve all problems, it may even cause more, its a gamble, the trick to it all is self acceptance, so it doesn't matter if you are in or out, its nobodies business apart from our own, there is no shame in keeping it to your self and don't let anyone pressurise you into coming out if you don't want to. If you fall in love with someone then you may make your mind up then, its up to you entirely, I actually find it embarrassing the way many gay guys behave, attention seeking and sleeping around, I don't do that, I am not your average guy, gay or straight, you can't put a specific label onto me, I am way more complex than that, maybe you are the same, I did actually meet someone a few years ago which changed me, him too I expect, it didn't work out for various reasons but maybe if circumstances had been different then I maybe with him now, who knows, it wasn't meant to be. I am on my own and have been most of my adult life, I can live that way as I'm used to it and can do it pretty well but meeting the guy I really liked did make me think about what I was missing, don't rush into anything, things will happen or not when they are meant to so try not to put yourself under pressure for your life being a certain way.
    Give yourself a break, maybe take up yoga which will help you focus and calm the mind, its very beneficial and after going through some pretty bad stuff, I took it up which helped immensely in recovering fully from the things that happened in my life, best thing I ever did for myself, just got a few injuries I am getting over before doing the next qualification
    Hope that helps
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2016 1:08 AM GMT
    Welcome man. I came out at 36 years old. There are PLENTY of guys who came out later in life so its never too late. Here are quotes that helped me to become courageous enough to let others know who I really am.

    1. "Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs

    2. “Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.” Megan Cabot

    Lastly I encourage you to read this page and see other stories just like yours... http://www.realjock.com/gayforums?searchtext=coming+out&sort=2

    Good luck!
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    Jun 10, 2016 2:00 PM GMT
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 21 and I'm in the closet too. I'm only out to a few close friends but closeted to everybody else. It's hard because I would love to date but I just don't have it in me to come out right now. I know I like guys but I just haven't FULLY accepted myself and it's a struggle. & I've messed around but I stopped because I got tired of it. If you ever want to talk about it, I'll be more than glad to talk . Having someone to talk to who is going through the same thing makes it easier ..
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    Jun 10, 2016 4:46 PM GMT
    while in the closet you have to carry around all that junk that is just not you. Odd but pretending your some else uses up bandwidth in your life you could apply to a more constructive use.
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    Jun 10, 2016 5:55 PM GMT
    Hey, don't feel bad, I only came out in 2014 at 50 years old. Good advice above.
  • mnagu

    Posts: 12

    Jun 11, 2016 1:46 AM GMT
    Thank you everyone for your advice! I already feel loads better, my anxiety has diminished considerably and I feel confident about starting my journey.
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    Jun 11, 2016 3:51 PM GMT
    mnagu saidThank you everyone for your advice! I already feel loads better, my anxiety has diminished considerably and I feel confident about starting my journey.


    Just remember to be yourself.
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    Jun 11, 2016 5:30 PM GMT
    We've all been in the closet at one time or another. Some longer than others. Some via marriages. The constant theme however is that YOU must accept who you are before you can make that move. It would seem that you've not been there yet but that perhaps the tide is changing for you. Once you accept that you're gay, then you can move on to formulating a plan to make it irrelevant in your life. You don't have to come out blazing and shouting from the mountain tops, you can just live your life and if the subject arises, don't deny it. You can confide in someone you trust but ask them not to tell others. It's yours to decide. You can begin experimenting with other guys if you wish or not. You control your own destiny but until you accept who you truly are, you can never open the door of the closet and step out with success, in my opinion.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Jun 11, 2016 11:46 PM GMT
    Lots of good advice here, so I'll only say that, in my experience, having a few gay men and lesbians as friends helped me coming out a lot. Good luck to you, man!
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    Jun 12, 2016 5:20 AM GMT
    mnagu saidI'm in my early 30s and still in the closet. On top of that I've never even messed around with a guy. It's finally hit me like a train and I feel so stressed and anxious now. I don't feel like I have anyone in my life I can directly talk to about this.. I know this sound ridiculous to almost all of you, but I just had to get this off my chest.

    There are some gays that will demand that you come out this very second. But come on, this isn't like buying toothpaste at the store. It's a personal journey and only you can decide when you're ready. Gotta prepare yourself for all the positives and negatives. I would ignore those coming out videos on YouTube. Sometimes, the experience isn't as great as people make it to be. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Good luck man! icon_cool.gif