My Husband Is Very Depressed About The Orlando Massacre UPDATE: I need some help! See my most recent post. And ignore the Elephant Man's disruptive spamming on this site.

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    Jun 14, 2016 2:46 AM GMT
    He told me this morning. It surprised me to hear him actually say it. But I could already tell yesterday (Sunday), when he declined to attend any of the vigils that were being held in Wilton Manors. Which is 200 miles south of Orlando.

    You may have seen national TV coverage of these vigils, especially at our Pride Center. They were all over the local TV here. But he just couldn't go, and I wasn't all that eager, either. I can be stoic to a point, as I wish to be, but when guys are crying all around me, as we saw later on the TV coverage, well, I need to avoid that.

    As for my depressed husband, I've done what I know works best. He's better tonight. A visit with his oldest friend earlier today helped.

    He saw such incredible gay advances over his lifetime. And now something he interprets as a terrible setback. I'm pointing out to him how there's been a swell of international public support for LGBT, as a result of this. Maybe you guys can think of other things I can tell him.
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    Jun 14, 2016 2:53 AM GMT
    Great words...if they are sincerely true!!

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    Jun 14, 2016 3:06 AM GMT
    We all become depressed at one time or another. What happened to the gay community in Orlando was a horrific atrocity. It IS depressing. Let him ride it out. Just don't let him wallow in it.
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    Jun 14, 2016 3:09 AM GMT
    2Bnaked saidGreat words...if they are sincerely true!!

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    I kinda think they are true.

    And thanks for that quote. A little late here now, I just peeked in and he's sleeping. But I'll show this to him tomorrow. Our computer desktops are networked. Thanks very much! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 14, 2016 11:05 AM GMT
    It's next morning (Tue). It occurred to me last night that maybe this tragic event will form the impetus for a new Stonewall movement. Just as Stonewall was initially seen as a setback, an open assault on the gay community perpetrated by our government, it morphed into exactly the opposite. Always allow for unintended, and frequently surprising and even beneficial consequences.

    That event in 1969 was the beginning of the gay rights movement. Next weekend our town will be celebrating its annual Stonewall festival. We are also the site of the Stonewall Museum, and 2 miles away is the National Stonewall Archives & Library. Sometimes adversity brings advancement.

    Let us see what ultimately comes from Orlando. That's the message of positive hope I will share with my husband today. And certainly the international support for our community, an example of which 2Bnaked provided, will also help.
  • brickboy1966

    Posts: 359

    Jun 14, 2016 1:00 PM GMT
    No offense. But why do you need to avoid it?
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    Jun 14, 2016 1:47 PM GMT
    brickboy1966 said
    No offense. But why do you need to avoid it?

    From my previous above: "I can be stoic to a point, as I wish to be, but when guys are crying all around me, as we saw later on the TV coverage, well, I need to avoid that."
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 14, 2016 6:28 PM GMT
    The very real risk of a "Copy Cat" type of shooting this weekend, in the tightly packed, extremely gay friendly section of the French Quarter here in New Orleans, has me second guessing my weekend "Gay Pride" plans.





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  • tazzari

    Posts: 2933

    Jun 14, 2016 6:53 PM GMT
    I think we're mostly all a bit depressed, Art. But I'm seeing some positive things emerge. A 30-something gay doctor friend of mine (I used to coach him) has posted on Facebook that he's waking up from his millenial assumption that we won when marriage became legal - I think this kind of re-awakened awareness is a very good thing; in a way, perhaps like the what went on 15 years ago withg Matthew Shepard.

    Driving in to the bank today, I was surprised and pleased to see flags all along the street, and in the bank, one of the managers, a straight man, was wearing a US Bank Pride T-shirt, with "Pride" very large, in rainbow colors.

    Flags and T-shirts don't in themselves do much - I'm reminded of a posting elsewhere to the effect of "I'm sick of prayers and thoughts" - but maybe, just maybe, this will wake something up and we will see progress not only in LGBT matters, but also in sensible firearm control and better enforcement of our gun laws, as well as some serious thought about people on no-fly lists or with records of violence being able to acquire guns.

    Maybe, just maybe, this will push things towards a sensible national debate on several issues. But for that to happen, we have to confront the Trump types with their hysteria and simplistic, one-size-fits-all "solutions." We stand in a really bad spoty right now, but one that could also be a turning point. We'll see.
  • carew28

    Posts: 659

    Jun 14, 2016 8:29 PM GMT
    I think that the outpouring of condolences from throughout the country and the world shows how much people care about what's happened, and that's comforting. I also think that the gay community can't become too complacent about the way that things are, and take things for granted. It's still a dangerous world out there, and we do need to be careful.
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    Jun 14, 2016 8:42 PM GMT
    I was so pissed the other day. I wondered if it was going to fade at all. I felt a little better yesterday, but I can't watch much of the news coverage and definitely no survivor accounts. I just can't.

    I'm waiting patiently to see if the bars here in Dallas add metal detectors. I'm guessing they won't (money+inconvenience+perception). But anyone could bring a gun in there at any time, and we're in the midst of a rash of gay bashings for the past year. No one has been caught yet. I don't when I'll even feel like going out again. There's always bowling :/

    I became aware of conservative, religious, and Republican hate for us a long time ago. I've been watching them this whole time to keep an eye on what they're doing. It matters; they have power. And just last week I wondered if I was being too damn paranoid about People Out To Get Us...

    Backlash begets backlash. I think one unintended effect will be sympathy from places we don't usually get it from, as well as more conversations between us and families, friends, co-workers... more understanding or tolerance on a local level?
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 276

    Jun 14, 2016 10:33 PM GMT
    JackTX said
    I think one unintended effect will be sympathy from places we don't usually get it from, as well as more conversations between us and families, friends, co-workers... more understanding or tolerance on a local level?


    I was thinking this as well. there are people who have been against homosexuality expressing sympathy and condolences for the victims and their families. We didn't want it to get the point where someone walks into a gay club and opens fire, but this incident has given people a chance to stop and think "wait a minute - these young men and women have all been killed, just because somebody didn't appprove of who they wanted to have a relationship with. Where is the sense in that?"I'm sure it's not going to erase homophobia on a mass scale, but during this time, people who might not agree with each other are united in how sad they feel for such a tragic event to happen. hopefully that means something.
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    Jun 14, 2016 10:52 PM GMT
    rnch said
    The very real risk of a "Copy Cat" type of shooting this weekend, in the tightly packed, extremely gay friendly section of the French Quarter here in New Orleans, has me second guessing my weekend "Gay Pride" plans.
    icon_confused.gif

    Some people have asked me that question regarding our Wilton Manors Stonewall festival & parade. At latest word the event goes on this Saturday, and Bob & husband will attend. We discussed it and there really wasn't any debate. Here's the info link if you're within driving distance:

    http://wiltonmanorsstonewall.com
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    Jun 14, 2016 11:39 PM GMT
    Denial is a legitimate coping mechanism.
    In 1993 I couldn't go to one more AIDS funeral after 5 in one one month, 2 on the same day. Being that I was also HIV it was too close for comfort. Distancing yourself (not going to a vigil or a funeral) is probably a sign of temporary depression. He'll snap out of it and probably be MORE involved than ever.

    If there's any good long range effects I think the US will be more aggressive in protecting Gay men and women in Islamic states. Instead of blocking the Muslims totally, there are some we need to help specifically.
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    Jun 16, 2016 12:14 AM GMT
    TIMinPS saidDenial is a legitimate coping mechanism.
    In 1993 I couldn't go to one more AIDS funeral after 5 in one one month, 2 on the same day. Being that I was also HIV it was too close for comfort. Distancing yourself (not going to a vigil or a funeral) is probably a sign of temporary depression. He'll snap out of it and probably be MORE involved than ever.

    We will see. Today (Wednesday) was not good. In fact, a major worsening for him.

    We went for lunch with friends, as we usually do most days. He saw a news report on one of the big TV screens there, that a gay couple had both died in the Orlando massacre. And they were being given a joint funeral, and would be buried together.

    And he just broke down and started crying & crying. I tried to console & comfort him, but those are skills I don't have. I know, I should have them, but I just don't. My career meant I had to deny such emotions to myself, and today I have none to share with others, try as I might. And admitting my failure doesn't solve the problem.

    So he ordered a drambuie. He almost never drinks them, that's one of my drinks. And then had 2 more! Something I've never done myself. In 9 years with him I've never seen this behavior.

    From there we were supposed to meet friends at a gay club. He had a vodka drink there. And he started to get difficult & argumentative. Also very unlike him. So I closed us out, and bundled him into the car. We had a rather nasty fight going home. Or rather, he did. I declined to raise my voice or get agitated, and in any way provoke him further. I know better than to pour gasoline onto the fire.

    But this is all new to me, it's uncharted territory. This damn Orlando thing has really thrown him out of his orbit, in a way I've never seen in 9 years. In his anger he blames lots of stuff on me, and I just bite my tongue.

    I'll continue to wait. He's at his computer, as obviously I'm at mine. I'm betting that as the alcohol subsides he'll become more reasonable & approachable. But how strange - you live & sleep with a guy for 9 years, before you witness a completely different side of him. I'm hoping it's a passing situational thing, but I just fucking don't know how I can respond in the meantime! icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 16, 2016 1:05 AM GMT
    I am sure he's not the only one Art, Ive already been suffering from christian o phobia in PTSD form and this attack just confirmed what I already was fearful of. But "fear" is the religious (and republican) main goal see, fear drives people into submission so we can be controlled by them and "convinced" that America is under attack (the whole 9/11 ruse). More and more people are awakening to this ruse therefore those in religious power are losing their power, in the struggle. We as a community are considered "evil" in the war between good and evil when in fact, its the opposite within the power struggle for control and independence from religious dogma, they have to point their slimy fingers at somebody.

    The right wing goal is procreation, as long as the baby making factories continue, generations continue, but their fear is that us non procreating homos will take over in some way making those factories obsolete. Another right wing fear is population control, which goes against their biblical teachings of "go out and multiply". This could explain "why they hate us", as we hear more about Omar's closeted life, this directly puts the spotlight on those closeted, religious, republican bigots who hate us for being our true selves in the coming out process. I think this is what drives the religious and republican people the most crazy is that they are taught to suppress (or oppress) their feelings. I think if all of us just went back in the closet, the religious and republican would feel as though they could fit in

    They hate us and those who self hate themselves by living our lives in the open, in which their religious dogma and brainwashing tells them they cant do.

    In the aftermath and going forward, I would say to people, don't hate me for being out, proud and not living a lie, republicans and their extreme right wing christianly have a real problem with this and this attack on our people basically is saying, "go back in the closet, sneak around like you use to, that way we can do it too and be ok" (isn't this what catholic priests have to do?)


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    Jun 16, 2016 1:31 AM GMT
    Well Art, I'm sorry to read that your purported husband is depressed.

    We may disagree politically, but I would never wish depression on anybody. Er....well....I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel about Hillary and the democrats suffering an extended bout of post election depression...lol. But I digress.

    Fortunately, I think I can help you with this current problem. Mental health experts say that "depression" is simply anger turned inward. I'd say he's like most of us...and very angry about the Terrorist Attack in Orlando. I'm angry too. I'm angry because our government has failed us again. I'm even more angry because our government's leader, Barack Hussein O. and his liberal cohorts have responded that the "real" solution here...is to blame guns....to blame hate...and incredibly, to blame the Internet. Guns. Hate. The Internet.

    I suspect that your husband knows this democrat reasoning is bullshit. Subconsciously, he knows exactly that the problem is Radical Islamic Terrorism. I mean we read where this Radical Islamic Terrorist called 911 from the club and pledged loyalty to ISIS. Witnesses in the club claim he was yelling Allah Akbar. He traveled to Saudi Arabia. Twice. His father is a fanatical Muslim who hated gays. The Orlando Mosque was a place where the Imam was preaching that killing gays was an act of love.

    But your Dear Leader, Barack Hussein O, has instructed everybody, including your husband, to ignore all this, and tells us over and over to blame: Guns. Hate. The Internet. I think that your husband's subconscious mind, and his common sense, tells him it was obviously a Radicalized Muslim who murdered those 49 gay people. Your husband knows that if The Radicalized Muslim didn't have access to guns, he would have used a suicide vest...or just crashed his car through the building. And just who supports the muslims over the very gays your husband supports? Why....it's your very own dear leader.



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    The diagnosis here is obvious. Your husband, deep down in his subconscious....is a Donald Trump supporter....and I'd say a conservative one too.....possibly even a full blown, to the right of Attila the Hun, full fledged, far right wing Republican. That is his true nature. It's obvious. I suspect the constant left wing drivel you likely watch, is making a depressing situation exponentially worse for him. The cure is obvious. His true nature needs to come out. Tuning into FOX NEWS, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage will certainly brighten his mood, while banishing ALL left wing nonsense such as MSNBC, CNN and Huffington Post, etc. from all Internet or TV sources. I'm enthused to know that your husband is one of us. Thank you for sharing. Your next step is to let him be his true self, and I feel the depression will begin to lift as soon as he enters The No Spin Zone.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 16, 2016 1:38 AM GMT
    He is going through the cycle of grief ... we all know it well ... he will get through it in time :-)
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    Jun 16, 2016 1:40 AM GMT
    I well recall how a lot of people here in Canada were very distressed in the immediate aftermath of the 9/11 attacks. I thinks it's probably a normal defense mechanism at play when people fall into a funk at times like this. He's probably going through the various stages of grief right now. I recall "anger" is one of the stages.

    I'd say just continue to be supportive and understanding. He'll come round.
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    Jun 16, 2016 12:00 PM GMT
    Columbus PRIDE is June 17 through June 19....the events are expected to draw between 400K and 600K to the parade and festivals....making this a VERY high profile event....I LOVE the fun and refuse to surrender my desires and plans to anyone or any group. Security has been a HUGE topic in the local news this week, I am going.
    I believe every American needs to consider their options and possible reactions to take care of yourself and those you love.
    I have taken courses on "Active Shooter" events in the past, and will take a refresher before PRIDE....situational awareness is a necessary evil that is part of life now. This has been true for years, as crimes are evolving and always changing....The Active Shooter trainings are just tips on things to look for, places to avoid, places to hide, etc....Fore warned is fore armed!...Be safe and have fun.
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    Jun 16, 2016 12:41 PM GMT
    S2Ki said
    The diagnosis here is obvious. Your husband, deep down in his subconscious....is a Donald Trump supporter....and I'd say a conservative one too.....possibly even a full blown, to the right of Attila the Hun, full fledged, far right wing Republican. That is his true nature. It's obvious. I suspect the constant left wing drivel you likely watch, is making a depressing situation exponentially worse for him. The cure is obvious. His true nature needs to come out. Tuning into FOX NEWS, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage will certainly brighten his mood, while banishing ALL left wing nonsense such as MSNBC, CNN and Huffington Post, etc. from all Internet or TV sources. I'm enthused to know that your husband is one of us. Thank you for sharing. Your next step is to let him be his true self, and I feel the depression will begin to lift as soon as he enters The No Spin Zone.

    I don't judge it very ethical of you to hijack my thread asking for genuine advice into a cheap propaganda opportunity for your gay-hostile political ideology, and in the wake of our US gay community's greatest single loss. And to justify it with amateur psychology quackery.

    He's been a liberal Democrat all his life, as were his parents. He was out beginning in the 1950s, and the hard experiences he learned early in his life turned him into a more hardline Liberal than I am. Rather, his

    So that your insulting narrative to explain his distress is wrong on every count, and your so-called remedy, while it would serve your own political ends, would be even more harmful to him. But I'll remember, next time you rant about something, to apply your own "theory" to you. And outline how a steady diet of liberal media will cure what ails you so severely here.
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    Jun 16, 2016 1:46 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    S2Ki said
    The diagnosis here is obvious. Your husband, deep down in his subconscious....is a Donald Trump supporter....and I'd say a conservative one too.....possibly even a full blown, to the right of Attila the Hun, full fledged, far right wing Republican. That is his true nature. It's obvious. I suspect the constant left wing drivel you likely watch, is making a depressing situation exponentially worse for him. The cure is obvious. His true nature needs to come out. Tuning into FOX NEWS, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage will certainly brighten his mood, while banishing ALL left wing nonsense such as MSNBC, CNN and Huffington Post, etc. from all Internet or TV sources. I'm enthused to know that your husband is one of us. Thank you for sharing. Your next step is to let him be his true self, and I feel the depression will begin to lift as soon as he enters The No Spin Zone.

    I don't judge it very ethical of you to hijack my thread asking for genuine advice into a cheap propaganda opportunity for your gay-hostile political ideology, and in the wake of our US gay community's greatest single loss. And to justify it with amateur psychology quackery.

    He's been a liberal Democrat all his life, as were his parents. He was out beginning in the 1950s, and the hard experiences he learned early in his life turned him into a more hardline Liberal than I am. Rather, his

    So that your insulting narrative to explain his distress is wrong on every count, and your so-called remedy, while it would serve your own political ends, would be even more harmful to him. But I'll remember, next time you rant about something, to apply your own "theory" to you. And outline how a steady diet of liberal media will cure what ails you so severely here.



    Everything you just said....confirms that your purported husband is a conservative. icon_cool.gif The democrat party of his parent's generation and his youth is loooong gone!! FDR had the balls to pull out all stops to defeat the NAZIS in WWII. Truman had the balls to drop the atom bomb. Democrats today run away from it, and even blame the US for Japanese aggression. Political experts say if JFK were running today, his views would be judged CONSERVATIVE.

    http://ideas.time.com/2013/10/14/jfk-was-a-political-conservative/

    Save your MSNBC nonsense. I used to be a Democrat.....at least until I saw how Barack Hussein O has pulled the middle class down below 50%.....flooded our country with illegals....and now terrorist attacks are blamed on that we have too much freedom.

    I know all about the liberal media....the "blame America first" crowd. Their propaganda produces more whiny liberals......helpless crybabies who blame Republicans for everything, especially their own screwed up lives.....and how many can't get a decent job with their "women's studies" or some other useless degree....or that marijuana is sooo expensive AND illegal . And don't forget the "trigger warnings" and "white male privilege" and other garbage invented by so called "liberal intellectuals" ....a contradiction in terms if I ever heard one.
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    Jun 16, 2016 2:25 PM GMT
    I understand how your husband feels. This has been a very tough time for me and is bringing back some awful memories. I've seen too much gun violence in my life. In 1989 here was this really sweet and gentle man I knew in college. I had a huge crush on him and later found out he liked me as well. We were both too shy to ever initiate anything, and I'd become a stammering mess around him. One night he wanted to go to a party. A friend tried to talk him into going to the bar, but he really wanted to go to the party instead. He was shot and killed for being gay by straight guys who crashed the party. I still think about him all the time and wish I could have told him how I felt.

    In August of 2009, I was woken up to hearing arguing outside on the street and then several gunshots. I ran out of my apartment to the corner of 13th Street and Avenue A. There was a large crowd gathered and I could see EMTs working on a man. Two others suffered minor injuries. I found out later that Eric (Taz) Pagan, a bouncer for Forbidden City, was shot in the head and died soon thereafter at Bellevue hospital. I saw him all the time in the neighborhood, and he was a very friendly guy who spoke to everyone who passed by the establishment when he was on duty. The mother of his 14-year-old daughter died of cancer in 1995 and he adopted her 17-year-old sone. I grieve for his children who lost a mother to cancer and a father to gun violence. Every time I walk past that street, I still see the blood that was there for several days. I still hear the gunshots in my head and every time I hear a sound like a gunshot, I get scared.

    My partner was attacked in the vestibule of our apartment building several years ago before we started dating. A man started saying anti-gay things to him and choked him. My partner started to feel the life draining away from him and got a burst of energy. He was able to get away to safety, but suffered injuries in hid in the apartment for a week. I have to be careful with movies and TV shows we watch because he gets very upset when there are strangulation scenes. You may not know it, but there are a lot of strangulation scenes.

    Now I think in the back of my mind when I leave home it may be for the last time. When I say goodbye to my partner it's in the back of my mind that this may be the last time I see him. When I hug my friends it's in the back of my mind that this may be the last time I do this. When I hug family members and tell them I love them, I worry this may be my only chance to say goodbye. I often think, "This may be the day I die." Every day. When I go to the movies, when I'm out on the street, when I gather with friends, no place feels safe. I'm tired of living in fear.

    I started tearing up on the way home last night, and tears were in my eyes on the subway. When I was walking to get dinner, I saw a post on Facebook where an organization in Orlando came forward to offer help with the pets of victims and I lost it. I'm feeling hopeless right now. I'm tired of having that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Jun 16, 2016 9:02 PM GMT
    I am more pissed off than sad.
    Pissed off because this could have been prevented. He was under watch for fucks sake!! And his ex wife knew he was planning something horrible!!
    He told her and the bitch went with him to pulse!! He was not a homosexual in my opinion he went to pulse several times and it wasn't for the frickin cocktails!!!!!
    He was scoping the place out...planning it in his head.
    The nra should be held responsible
    and Obama as well sorry but he's the president of the USA and this has happened again!!!!! 4 years ago in the movie theater during Batman.
    How many fucking times is it gonna happen until they take for some action towards gun control????
    What a waste...50 people killed some barely in their 20's...
  • ChicagoSteve

    Posts: 1273

    Jun 16, 2016 9:31 PM GMT
    venue35 saidI am more pissed off than sad.
    Pissed off because this could have been prevented. He was under watch for fucks sake!! And his ex wife knew he was planning something horrible!!
    He told her and the bitch went with him to pulse!! He was not a homosexual in my opinion he went to pulse several times and it wasn't for the frickin cocktails!!!!!
    He was scoping the place out...planning it in his head.
    The nra should be held responsible
    and Obama as well sorry but he's the president of the USA and this has happened again!!!!! 4 years ago in the movie theater during Batman.
    How many fucking times is it gonna happen until they take for some action towards gun control????

    It's the United States Congress and Senate that should be blamed, not Obama! Those are the legislative bodies that have the power to change the gun laws. And they have not done it because they are all bowing to pressure from the NRA.