Confused bi guy in first relationship and unsure if its love!! Don't want to hurt the guy! And so don't know what to do!!

  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 15, 2016 1:24 AM GMT
    Ok, first up... I had a realjock profile ages ago and deleted it... Then I re-joined, although this is my first post under my new profile – so I’ll start by saying hi!..

    Second, I'm 29 and it feels kind of pathetic posting this, as if I am a lovestruck teenager! I think part of the issue is that I'm quite inexperienced in terms of relationships whilst I'm also simultaneously confused because of different, unrelated reasons and don't really know where to turn.

    The below might appear a bit muddled – but it is a representation of my head at the moment!!!

    So, hear I go... with a summary of my key points (I try to be a logical thinker, hence the list approach!!)

    - I suffer a bit from depression – not really relevant, but my head is a mess because of an early midlife crisis (hating work, and stressed about the lack of a career … ugh!)

    - I haven’t had many relationships but I always thought of myself as more straight than gay, fooled around with guys as a teen and not really again until a couple of years ago.

    - I had a thing with a girl last summer, but it didn't work out and James is the first person that I've met since who I have liked a lot. Obviously a guy (and no surprise, because I haven't been on any dates with girls since the short mf fling last summer).

    - I haven’t come out to any family or friends – but I think I would happily do this with James – but I only really want to if it is going to be a full relationship. I feel like we’re almost there, but not sure!

    - He is the first guy that I’ve actually got past the “hook-up” phase with. I love spending time with him… going on trips to the beach, bowling, cinema, playing squash, whatever!!... As well as of course lying in bed naked together … 

    - We have stayed in each other’s company for several consecutive days. It’s his first proper relationship too – so sometimes seems as if we’re moving too quick. But where’s the harm if we both enjoy each other’s company. He’s on holiday just now, and I am missing him, looking forward to his return at the weekend. For sure, I know that I would much rather be with him than on my own!

    - But I worry that I don’t fancy him enough. He is definitely cute and I really enjoy his company. But he isn’t perfect (of course no-one is!!), although I sometimes think about other hot people and hate to even think of cheating.

    - I also sometimes think I might prefer if he was a girl! It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I look at his cock and think I’d prefer a pair of breasts haha!!... I mean what the f**k!!!

    - I definitely wouldn’t hurt him though I know that much for sure. I really like and respect him as a person. This is also part of the reason why I am scared about getting in too deep – I don’t want to hurt either of us – and I know that, as this would be his first serious relationship


    Ok, thanks for listening!! I’d love to hear some advice!

    Thanks to all..

    Completely separate topic, and irreleveant, but I feel I should mention what happened in Orlando. If anyone is reading this from there, then I hope that you feel the peace and love from the UK 

    xx
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jun 15, 2016 2:24 AM GMT

    I suppose if you are confused we are going to be too!


    As you are saying you aren't the most experienced person in relationships, so it's understandable that it's a little overwhelming. Toss in the whole bisexual aspect and the prospect of coming out to friends and family and all of a sudden your relationship you aren't really sure about is taking on this whole other meaning that you also aren't really sure about. Try not to get those two things confused and put more meaning on one or the other.

    Your sexuality doesn't need to be defined so much by this particular relationship. Neither does your life.

    If you are annoyed with work and life in general, it is tempting to put more emphasis on other issues such as identity and relationships to help compensate for what you feel is lacking in other areas. That's a thing too. I do that. : )


    Basically, there's a lot going on here and that's good. Better than a boring life where you think you have everything all figured out and nothing surprises. Enjoy being young, or relationship-young, and figuring things out. There really isn't any right or wrong answer here. Whatever happens, you'll be able to handle it, you'll be forced to. LOL

    So i don't and probably can't have any answers for you, other than to take a step back in your mind and understand you'll look back on all of this some day, some day soon as time flies, the same way you look back on your teens and your early 20s. You'll get some shit right, some shit wrong and no matter how much shit you get right or wrong there will be new problems facing you so just enjoy this fun thing you're experiencing without over-thinking it too much.

    As long as you aren't lying to anyone you are allowed to be unsure. James doesn't need to know every thought you have, i promise you you don't know every thought he has.

  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 15, 2016 2:46 AM GMT
    Thanks mate. I guess it's all about perspective!!

    I'm a complete thinker, about everything, a heart on sleeve kind of guy, and it grates that I feel like I've got so much going on that I don't feel able to talk about with anyone.

    Thanks though. It's a good point that we've all had life experiences where it felt as if the world was about to end, only to look back a few years later and realise that it's all survivable.

    Cheers, appreciate the reply - hope that the good karma follows to you!!
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jun 15, 2016 11:31 AM GMT
    If you think you're going too fast, then the first step is to set times to be together and stick with that for now. One of the reasons people have this issue is they start the relationship without considering the emotional stages. If you're seeing someone 5x a week, your proximity is ahead of your emotions. You're getting ahead of yourself by investing in a relationship when you're not even sure of the depth of your emotions.(You kids!!!)

    2-3x a week is plenty when the emotions are developing. Every day is not, because you're sending out the signal, "I'm totally into you and only you". I mean, you're not spending time with anyone else, so that's the message being generated.

    Now you're either going to backtrack - which will raise doubts in him - or else you sit down, and communicate that you like him and this is wonderful, but you're feeling that your emotions haven't caught up to the amount of time you spend together , "wonderful as it is."
    Try not rushing into things simply because it "feels good." If it feels good at 6 months, that's one thing. But in the early stages - it's infatuation, given how you say you "like doing things with him," instead of you like HIM.
    Slow it down and try to repair any hurt feelings. And don't mislead him by acting more "into" him than you are. He should know to slow down because of your inner doubts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2016 1:57 PM GMT
    self love is an important ingredient in a relationship. You should consider working on your depression thing as it might drag down your relationship with James and other people in your life. You guys have actual health insurance so use it. Life is short dont spend a second moping around in a negative state of mind.

    if you from the UK consider posting on gayspeak dot com too. At least from the standpoint that forum might be more for the emotions you are feeling.

    if you get serious with James, or any other man, you will have to consider coming out of your closet. Dont do it just for him but you cant share a life with any partner if you dont have a life in the first place. Do it for yourself. Well adjusted citizens dont care if you have a boy or girl friend. The citizens that are not accepting are the ones you need to slowly filter out of your life.

    Be constant in your relationships and communicate well. Start with this one. as the above^ post says its your first significant relationship but no need to diminish its importance in your life, it could be your husband. The straight dating pool is well defined but men on men relationships are limited, we are not the 10% of the general population they told us we were back in the 1940's. So take good care of him, be level headed and consistent.

    Sex is a significant part of a relationship but in no way the major part. Be in a straight, gay or bi relationship, if any relationship at all, because you can structure your life better with a husband rather that a wife. Maybe you would be more successful single? If you put a label on yourself others will will label you too, if you accept your self others will too.
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    Jun 15, 2016 2:37 PM GMT
    You are both new to committed relationship land. The two of you have to work out what works for the two of you. We can give guidance, what we did or would do, in similar situations.

    You need to speak openly and honestly with James about the fears, uncertainty, and doubt you have. Only way to address it. Put it in flowery language, or blunt speak, when it comes down to it, you have to talk about expectations, and needs. Proceed slowly and with caution to make sure where you both want and need things to be.
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    Jun 15, 2016 4:31 PM GMT
    Hey mate ,
    I also have tittering between males and females my whole life , i need both and there is nothing i could do ....
    Now that said , i always have been upfront with the person( male or female ) i was dating , then and promised them monogamy .. Honesty and respect cannot be compromised if you love someone ...
    So before you get to deep into this relationship , be sure you can stay monogamous , or you will hurt your partner ..
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 15, 2016 5:06 PM GMT
    I think you'd be crazy to not let yourself love this guy. Listen, mate, love doesn't come around every day, as you know, and it certainly sounds like you're falling. Don't avoid it, don't schedule it, don't worry about it, don't second guess yourself, don't slow down, don't assume you know what's best for him. He is a fully equal guy and can think for himself and decide who to love for himself. Let yourself drown in happiness and stop worrying about the future. If Orlando teaches us anything, it is to love now and to not let our petty insecurities stop us from using the time we have to make life wonderful. And as to the tits/dick thing, everyone has some sexual fetish that we can embrace... or... just keep in our back pocket for fantasy. As long as you love holding this guy and sex is good, don't worry about the other.
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    Jun 15, 2016 7:39 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI think you'd be crazy to not let yourself love this guy. Listen, mate, love doesn't come around every day, as you know, and it certainly sounds like you're falling. Don't avoid it, don't schedule it, don't worry about it, don't second guess yourself, don't slow down, don't assume you know what's best for him. He is a fully equal guy and can think for himself and decide who to love for himself. Let yourself drown in happiness and stop worrying about the future. If Orlando teaches us anything, it is to love now and to not let our petty insecurities stop us from using the time we have to make life wonderful. And as to the tits/dick thing, everyone has some sexual fetish that we can embrace or just keep in our back pocket for fantasy. As long as you love holding this guy and sex is good, don't worry about the other.


    +1
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    Jun 15, 2016 11:51 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI think you'd be crazy to not let yourself love this guy. Listen, mate, love doesn't come around every day, as you know, and it certainly sounds like you're falling. Don't avoid it, don't schedule it, don't worry about it, don't second guess yourself, don't slow down, don't assume you know what's best for him. He is a fully equal guy and can think for himself and decide who to love for himself. Let yourself drown in happiness and stop worrying about the future. If Orlando teaches us anything, it is to love now and to not let our petty insecurities stop us from using the time we have to make life wonderful. And as to the tits/dick thing, everyone has some sexual fetish that we can embrace... or... just keep in our back pocket for fantasy. As long as you love holding this guy and sex is good, don't worry about the other.


    This! Love with abandon - complete and total abandon. If you hold back, it ain't love.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jun 16, 2016 4:54 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI think you'd be crazy to not let yourself love this guy. Listen, mate, love doesn't come around every day, as you know, and it certainly sounds like you're falling. Don't avoid it, don't schedule it, don't worry about it, don't second guess yourself, don't slow down, don't assume you know what's best for him. He is a fully equal guy and can think for himself and decide who to love for himself. Let yourself drown in happiness and stop worrying about the future. If Orlando teaches us anything, it is to love now and to not let our petty insecurities stop us from using the time we have to make life wonderful. And as to the tits/dick thing, everyone has some sexual fetish that we can embrace... or... just keep in our back pocket for fantasy. As long as you love holding this guy and sex is good, don't worry about the other.


    Yes, but he's not IN LOVE with the guy. And when a post says 'I don't want to hurt him', there's enough cause for there to be concern about the degree of communication not being communicated and less emphasis on the falling-in-love (aka infatuation) stage. holding a guy isn't the same as loving the person himself. I still think he should put the brakes on: there's too much ambiguity and confusion in the opening post. I have rarely seen genuine Love happen from something as simple as holding someone and having good sex. Nietzsche said that relationships fail, not because of a lack of love, but from a lack of friendship. And friendship comes from listening to and caring about someone else's well-being.
    Slowing down and sharing his concerns is the most honest course of action.
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 16, 2016 9:59 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI think you'd be crazy to not let yourself love this guy. Listen, mate, love doesn't come around every day, as you know, and it certainly sounds like you're falling. Don't avoid it, don't schedule it, don't worry about it, don't second guess yourself, don't slow down, don't assume you know what's best for him. He is a fully equal guy and can think for himself and decide who to love for himself. Let yourself drown in happiness and stop worrying about the future. If Orlando teaches us anything, it is to love now and to not let our petty insecurities stop us from using the time we have to make life wonderful. And as to the tits/dick thing, everyone has some sexual fetish that we can embrace... or... just keep in our back pocket for fantasy. As long as you love holding this guy and sex is good, don't worry about the other.


    Wow!!... So many replies and so much advice!!... WIll reply in process!..

    Love the positivity of your post, thanks mate!!
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 16, 2016 10:08 PM GMT
    Not4u said
    Destinharbor saidI think you'd be crazy to not let yourself love this guy. Listen, mate, love doesn't come around every day, as you know, and it certainly sounds like you're falling. Don't avoid it, don't schedule it, don't worry about it, don't second guess yourself, don't slow down, don't assume you know what's best for him. He is a fully equal guy and can think for himself and decide who to love for himself. Let yourself drown in happiness and stop worrying about the future. If Orlando teaches us anything, it is to love now and to not let our petty insecurities stop us from using the time we have to make life wonderful. And as to the tits/dick thing, everyone has some sexual fetish that we can embrace... or... just keep in our back pocket for fantasy. As long as you love holding this guy and sex is good, don't worry about the other.


    This! Love with abandon - complete and total abandon. If you hold back, it ain't love.


    Could be... I'm a complete thinker (probably do too much) and I don't committ easy. This doesn't mean I don't feel for the guy, just that I haven't muttered those 3 little words - simply because I do get to attached easy and don't want to get too excited too quick (for both our sake!). Still though, I do get butterflies when in his company...whatever the f*** that means!!
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 16, 2016 10:56 PM GMT
    neffa saidHey mate ,
    I also have tittering between males and females my whole life , i need both and there is nothing i could do ....
    Now that said , i always have been upfront with the person( male or female ) i was dating , then and promised them monogamy .. Honesty and respect cannot be compromised if you love someone ...
    So before you get to deep into this relationship , be sure you can stay monogamous , or you will hurt your partner ..


    Absolutely agree with you and am on the same page in regards to all of what you say.
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 16, 2016 11:05 PM GMT
    kzen64 saidYou are both new to committed relationship land. The two of you have to work out what works for the two of you. We can give guidance, what we did or would do, in similar situations.

    You need to speak openly and honestly with James about the fears, uncertainty, and doubt you have. Only way to address it. Put it in flowery language, or blunt speak, when it comes down to it, you have to talk about expectations, and needs. Proceed slowly and with caution to make sure where you both want and need things to be.


    We have spoken about it - I am very loyal, wear my heart on the sleeve and am too honest to lead someone up the garden path. My reason for posting here is simply to get a fresh perspective.
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 16, 2016 11:26 PM GMT
    pellaz saidself love is an important ingredient in a relationship. You should consider working on your depression thing as it might drag down your relationship with James and other people in your life. You guys have actual health insurance so use it. Life is short dont spend a second moping around in a negative state of mind.

    if you from the UK consider posting on too. At least from the standpoint that forum might be more for the emotions you are feeling.

    if you get serious with James, or any other man, you will have to consider coming out of your closet. Dont do it just for him but you cant share a life with any partner if you dont have a life in the first place. Do it for yourself. Well adjusted citizens dont care if you have a boy or girl friend. The citizens that are not accepting are the ones you need to slowly filter out of your life.

    Be constant in your relationships and communicate well. Start with this one. as the above^ post says its your first significant relationship but no need to diminish its importance in your life, it could be your husband. The straight dating pool is well defined but men on men relationships are limited, we are not the 10% of the general population they told us we were back in the 1940's. So take good care of him, be level headed and consistent.

    Sex is a significant part of a relationship but in no way the major part. Be in a straight, gay or bi relationship, if any relationship at all, because you can structure your life better with a husband rather that a wife. Maybe you would be more successful single? If you put a label on yourself others will will label you too, if you accept your self others will too.


    Thanks mate. I am not a fan of labels either, but I am also the type of guy who likes to be honest and open with my family. I want to be able to share the same life updates with my folks irrespective of if I am dating a guy or a girl - but if I was to suddenly announce that I was seeing a guy there would be a fair bit of surprise! That's one of the reasons why I feel a bit uneasy - I only really want to make the so-called announcement when I am sure about the situation that I am in and, in the meantime, feel like I'm being a bit dishonest to my parents - as I am now spending more time seemingly going to play squash with a seemingly random friend!
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 16, 2016 11:45 PM GMT
    mcbrion saidIf you think you're going too fast, then the first step is to set times to be together and stick with that for now. One of the reasons people have this issue is they start the relationship without considering the emotional stages. If you're seeing someone 5x a week, your proximity is ahead of your emotions. You're getting ahead of yourself by investing in a relationship when you're not even sure of the depth of your emotions.(You kids!!!)

    2-3x a week is plenty when the emotions are developing. Every day is not, because you're sending out the signal, "I'm totally into you and only you". I mean, you're not spending time with anyone else, so that's the message being generated.

    Now you're either going to backtrack - which will raise doubts in him - or else you sit down, and communicate that you like him and this is wonderful, but you're feeling that your emotions haven't caught up to the amount of time you spend together , "wonderful as it is."
    Try not rushing into things simply because it "feels good." If it feels good at 6 months, that's one thing. But in the early stages - it's infatuation, given how you say you "like doing things with him," instead of you like HIM.
    Slow it down and try to repair any hurt feelings. And don't mislead him by acting more "into" him than you are. He should know to slow down because of your inner doubts.


    Hi mate,

    Thanks for your advice on both of your posts!

    And, yes, I feel like a kid haha!

    I will try to hold back, although 2-3 times a week will be tough though!

    We first met about 3 months ago, and have seen each other A LOT, especially in the 3 weeks or so before he went on holiday – the key reason, being that he is a student so has lots of spare time as he is on his summer break. He is going on holiday again in a few weeks (which is good I guess cos will give us both space).

    He studies full time during office hours and I temp in restaurants at the moment (dreaded career crossroads!), so we will be working almost opposite shifts when he goes back to uni. It will be at the other extreme!

    I would say though that I do like really like him as well as liking spending time for him. It feels like we’ve almost got the magic recipe. Whether or not IN LOVE, I'm not sure - I do think about him a heck of a lot. But I want to be sure before I make the declaration. If he was a girl, then I am pretty sure that I would be falling for him more easily which, to me, means that I need to get my head round my sexuality.

    I would also emphasise that he knows most of my doubts that I have mentioned in my original post. I’ve spoken about much of it to him (all except for the point about how I sometimes I think about other people). I am very up front to him though and wouldn't want to hurt him.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Jun 20, 2016 8:49 PM GMT
    Given that you've told him what you've told us, you're being authentic. A person can ask for nothing else.
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    Jun 21, 2016 4:34 PM GMT
    This is so awesome, OP!!!! Your post made me smile.

    I think you're worrying too much. You only live once. Make sure that you always communicate... This is the number one thing for a successful relationship. Second thing, as mentioned by Neffa before, is to always be true and faithful. It sounds as though you'll are very compatible. Make sure this compatibility doesn't turn into neediness though... Don't get me wrong, I don't say that in a bad way. What I mean is that you mentioned that you both will be working separate shifts... If one day he says, "let's see each other tomorrow because I'm tired/have to study/just need some downtime", learn to respect and expect that. I've had guys that i've dated come back with, "But do you not want to see me?" "Do you not like me/my company anymore?" This gets emotionally draining. Learn to support each other emotionally, and this will work out in your favour in the long run.

    With regards to the coming out, that will come in time. When you feel comfortable, do it. I'm sure they already know, but like I did for my family, "I'm telling you because this is a part of my life that I've felt like I've hidden for a long time, and I don't want to anymore."

    Lots of luck man, I'm happy for you, and keep us posted. icon_smile.gif

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 21, 2016 5:26 PM GMT
    mcbrion saidGiven that you've told him what you've told us, you're being authentic. A person can ask for nothing else.


    Yep, cheers mate, I'm definitely being honest and genuine! I'm not into messing with other people's minds!...
  • linclark86

    Posts: 17

    Jun 21, 2016 5:39 PM GMT
    GTPSean saidThis is so awesome, OP!!!! Your post made me smile.

    I think you're worrying too much. You only live once. Make sure that you always communicate... This is the number one thing for a successful relationship. Second thing, as mentioned by Neffa before, is to always be true and faithful. It sounds as though you'll are very compatible. Make sure this compatibility doesn't turn into neediness though... Don't get me wrong, I don't say that in a bad way. What I mean is that you mentioned that you both will be working separate shifts... If one day he says, "let's see each other tomorrow because I'm tired/have to study/just need some downtime", learn to respect and expect that. I've had guys that i've dated come back with, "But do you not want to see me?" "Do you not like me/my company anymore?" This gets emotionally draining. Learn to support each other emotionally, and this will work out in your favour in the long run.

    With regards to the coming out, that will come in time. When you feel comfortable, do it. I'm sure they already know, but like I did for my family, "I'm telling you because this is a part of my life that I've felt like I've hidden for a long time, and I don't want to anymore."

    Lots of luck man, I'm happy for you, and keep us posted. icon_smile.gif

    Cheers,

    Sean


    Thanks man, love the advice!

    And yeah, no need to worry about neediness, we're both pretty chilled and independent so there is no need for any stress!

    Cheers for now!